Follow the star!
(Pro tip: never ask an astrologer for directions.)

»» I've uploaded a better version of this to YouTube
_cfbq
(Mon 16th Dec 2013, 20:26, More)

From NASA's secret archive...

(Sat 14th Apr 2012, 0:12, More)

have a pearoast

(Thu 22nd Mar 2012, 0:30, More)

Going anywhere nice for the summer?


(Sat 22nd Aug 2009, 9:23, More)

OM NOM NOM

(Wed 11th Jun 2008, 15:00, More)

» God

I was an altar boy for a while
The cassocks were hell. Fart inside one of those and the warm gas would slowly float upwards and out via the only possible route — i.e., around your neck :-(

On one occasion I was given the task of ringing a bell at some point during the service, but completely missed the cue because I was holding my breath and turning purple. They never asked me back again.
(Wed 25th Mar 2009, 15:27, More)

» Getting Old

I had to dig out my birth certificate a while ago
It had the price marked in the corner.
Two shillings and sixpence :-(
(Thu 7th Jun 2012, 22:12, More)

» Drugs

November. It's dark. And it's late. The doorbell rings.
The bloke standing outside my front door appeared to be in an advanced state of dope-induced paranoia. Shuffling from one foot to the other. Eyes the size of saucers. A typical stoned university student, in other words. Said he'd got lost walking back from the pub and needed directions back home.

Turns out his place was way over the other side of Exeter. A brisk half-hour walk at the best of times. None of my local boozers are worth that much effort, so I guessed he must have wandered over from some other part of town altogether.

I'd just finished pointing him in the general direction of his street when a crunching sound came from under his foot. There was a genuine look of horror on his face.

"Oh no," he said, "I ju... I just trod on a snail. D..D..Do you think I'll get sent down for that?"

I toyed with the idea of telling him that killing molluscs during the hours of darkness carries a mandatory life sentence, but I was itching to get back indoors. It was cold out, and it was starting to rain. I told him he'd probably get away with it and sent him on his way.

Five minutes later the rain was really crashing down. (No, he didn't have an umbrella :-D)
(Tue 21st Sep 2010, 5:12, More)

» Vomit Pt2

Shortly after stumbling on board an overnight bus from Osaka to Tokyo
About a seven-hour journey if I recall. Not that I remember much of it, having spent the whole day drinking at a wedding.

I was much younger and stupider then. It won't happen again.
(Thu 7th Jan 2010, 17:27, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

how does gravity work?
it's quite baffling
(Fri 16th Oct 2009, 0:06, More)