» Worst Nicknames Ever

Logger
Three junior schools filtered into our high school.

Week one was spent checking out the fit birds who came from the other schools, hearing the dirty rumours about said birds, and watching the slack jawed retards clash to determine who was the hardest in the school.

We met a lad on our first day who was introduced as Logger.Initially he seemed more popular than most of the council estate white trash I schooled with, as alot of his junior school mates seemed at pains to introduce him to the rest of the school.

In hindsight, I ought to have been suspicious, this was, after all, the eighties, "john's not mad" was still fresh in our pre adolescent minds, and " joey deacon" was still the insult de jour.

The reason they were so anxious to introduce him was that, Logger, had pleaded with them not to perpetuate his nickname. A nickname he earned, aged 5, first week at school, when he shit himself.

It didn't end here, every time a new kid turned up at school, during his orientation someone made sure logger's secret was passed on.

At sixth form same thing happened. He left half way through sixth form.

Finally, logger got his first job, at a branch of the Nat West 11 miles from our home town. I can only presume he thought it would be a fresh start, where people would refer to him by his christened name! Sadly, no, someone during school lunch hour got on a bus travelled 11 miles walked up to the fittest female trainee bank clerk and said, " excuse me do you know XXXXX XXXXX?, you do? well aged 5 he shit himself, and since then he's been called logger, can you carry on the good work?" she agreed, and still to this day, aged 32 he's still referred to as Logger.
(Thu 18th May 2006, 16:45, More)

» Famous people I hate

Dermot O'Leary
I have long suggested that the only way to deal with O'Leary is shooting him in the face. Chirpy, boy next door bonhomie, faux earnest solidarity with X factor fucktard hopefuls, guilty association with every shit tv experience ever and the tepid dross that the charisma-vacuum plays on the radio - Captain...........!!! for shitting sake. Ballistic facial death!!!!!!!!!
(Thu 4th Feb 2010, 12:45, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

Twanging One's Banjo
....is when an uncut young man, rips the part of his foreskin from the place where it attaches at the base of the glans penis(bell, helmet, whatever)

It usually coincides with an episode of vigorous sexual intercourse. Consequently, the engorged member bleeds profusely!

I did it aged 18 and thought I'd bleed to death, and/or never use the spam javelin again.

Happily it recovers quickly. It's very common, a number of my mates experienced the same horror!
(Wed 19th Jul 2006, 15:18, More)

» Missing body parts

To injure yourself once with a circular saw is unfortunate.......
..twice takes my alcoholic woodwork teacher, Mr Macy. He was within sight of pension when his missus left him and he took to the bottle.

First, he cuts his thumb clean off and it gets sewn back on.

Second, a year later, he is sawing something he dozes off, nods his head forward and he cuts his forehead!! This needless to say, it woke him out of his slumber quickly so he avoided serious injury.
(Fri 2nd Jun 2006, 14:06, More)

» Never Meet Your Heroes

Bobby Gillespie
The spastic primal scream front man was a bit of a hero of mine when I was at college. Hard drugs, Rock and roll, and motor neurone dancing! Anyhoo when I moved to the smoke I was most dissapointed when I met the whey-faced gimp. Scoring crack, being blown by a dusky strumpet? no, buying fucking halibut, in a fish mongers in fucking yuppy islington. Not just that, he was pushing a buggy, and a it were a cunting three wheeler....... more like a bastard.
(Thu 25th May 2006, 22:34, More)