» Darwin Awards

I'd come out of a bad relationship with a madwoman...
Who ended up stalking me for a number of months.

After about a month of not hearing a thing, no drive-bys, not so much as a muffled fart in the bushes, I figure, she's finally got over it, and I'm free to roam once more.

Fast forward another month, it's a quiet summer Sunday in Brisbane, Australia, I'm sitting on my back deck with a beer, enjoying the sun, the breeze, and most of all, the peace and quiet with the new girlfriend, when I hear a knock on the door.

"Probably just the Jehova's again, I'll piss them off and be back in a sec" I say to her, and I get up to go answer it.

Front up to the door, pull it open, and BLAM, something hits me in the chest like a barefisted Mike Tyson pick up line, and the second worst pain I've ever felt(EDIT: The absolute worst was being stung by a box jellyfish while surfing), like someone had just hammered a red-hot nail into me.

Yes, b3tans, You're guessing correctly - THE CRAZY BINT SHOT ME IN THE FUCKING CHEST.

I've collapsed backwards, with barely enough presence of mind to kick failingly at the door to try and kick the thing shut - the young miss whose company I was previously enjoying rounds the corner just as another .25 round thumps into the solid oak door - Luckily I've managed to kick it closed at this point.

Of course, she freaked out, called the Ambulance and police on her mobile - the latter managing to catch the mad bitch in question about 3 kilometers away, trying to throw the rifle into a creek that runs through the nearby park.

Happily, she had fired a little too eagerly - she missed the main part of my chest, missed the sub-clavian artery by about half a cunt hair, and managed to lodge the thing just around my armpit after it clipped bone.

Docs managed to pull it out, and I happily handed it over to the police as evidence - though, the also retrived a raving mad ex-girlfriend/stalker, and a slightly muddy .25 rifle from the creek.

She's now doing roughly her 4th of 15 years in prison, and I'm living in Leeds, about as far away from mad bitches with rifles as I can get.

Apologies for the length, but not the caliber.
(Fri 13th Feb 2009, 13:55, More)

» School Trips

Like superman, After the horse.
We were on a bus trip up to Surfer's paradise for an end-of-year trip, and one of the lads, Daniel, starts hearing the call of nature, about five minutes into the hour trip.

After 20 min of clenching, one of the other lads offered him an empty bottle of softdrink to piss in, which he gladly took them up on.

So, he's filled the bottle, and he's turned back around to the rest of us, still with the cap of the bottle off, and asked what to do with it - we told him to throw it out the window, which he does.

Immediately, we hear a siren and see some lights, and we're shitting ourselves as the bus gets pulled over to the emergency stopping lane, and the driver opens the door.

No sooner has the door hissed open than a motorcycle cop comes stalking up the steps, absolutely Covered, Head to toe in Piss and holding a softdrink bottle.

On the upside, I guess its not like his day could have gotten any worse after that.....

(Apologies for length. No apologies for the shit joke you expected about it.)
(Fri 8th Dec 2006, 21:47, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Sly Nintendo bastards....
Look Very careful and only read the letters with a gold star under them.




(For those too lazy/blind/stoned - U-R-MR-GAY)
(Sun 15th Jun 2008, 5:45, More)

» Cheap Tat

Cheap, but definitely....
Not useless.

Here I am wandering around Cash Converters(The local chain of Hock-shops) and I see a second hand Palm pilot TX, unboxed, no manual, but with charger and aluminum case, along with three 2 gig SD cards. hmmm, poke around for the price tag, don't find one, so ask the manager about that "calendar thingy in the display case" and pointed to it, he pulled it out, and it didn't have a price anywhere.

He also admitted he wasn't really sure what it was.

So what does he offer me for a almost brand new, damage free, (at the time) Current year Palm Pilot?

Seventy Australian dollars.

My response? "For a fuckin' calendar thing, You've got to be joking. How about you thirty?"

To which came "How about forty?"

"Fair enough, we have a deal."

And that, my friends, is how I got a (at the time) Four hundred dollar, Near Brand new palm Pilot for forty bucks.

Length, about four inches, but all but a quarter of an inch is screen.
(Sat 5th Jan 2008, 1:01, More)

» The Weird Kid In Class

The Trainspotter
We had this one bloke, and he had three distinct qualities - He was Giant, about seven foot tall, had an abnormally large head, and he was a mad as a bag of hammers. Interestingly, He had an incredible, encyclopaedic knowledge of trains - beyond your usual train-spotter, he knew every train the the Public transport fleet by the markings and graffiti on them.

Being the kind, understanding children we were he was mostly picked on, until the day he hit the principal with a desk, at which point he got more thumbs up than a fingerless gynaecologist.
(Tue 23rd Jan 2007, 7:16, More)