» The Worst Journey in the World

the worst......ever
My worst journey by far, and there have been many during this period, was when I worked as a ticket inspector on the trains. I only lasted two months on the job and this is the story of my final night. I’d had enough abuse at this point from kids calling me “Rozzer” to old ladies telling me to “Catch some real criminals”. WTF! I check tickets, I’m not a police man. This last bloke took the cherry though.

It was a miserable day and I was on the London to Manchester, on a Friday night. Not too bad when the day starts but as the night progresses you get all the scum coming out and heading to the cities for promises of booze and fighting. The chavs are bad enough, but the real nasty pieces of work are the business men who think they so much better then you.

Which brings me nicely to the point. I was busily doing the rounds on the train, which was absolutely heaving with bodies. Loads of commuters coming out of London all squished in like sardines. It was taking ages to check all the tickets, collect the unpaid fares and generally being worn down by the sneers and the attitude. I knew I only had to get past this carriage and I was left with the food and 1st class.

Finally I make it to 1st class and there’s this little fat man (obviously pissed) and stuffing his face with food. Before I’ve even spoken he’s told me to *uck off and then rants about he had a ticket but he’s not going to show me. To cut a long story short, we had a bit of a row (i.e. he slung insults at me, I only wanted to see his ticket). It was getting boring so I threatened him with the old “I’ll have to get the transport police” line. To my utter amazement he wanted to get arrested. He literally begged me to call the cops. Then he babbled on about the press and going to court.

I had enough so walked off and avoided him for the rest of the journey. When we finally pull into Manchester I can see him still sitting on the train. I bugger off far a quick fag before starting the return journey and I spot him marching towards me. Again he demands to be arrested but I just can’t be bothered with this so I tell him that I’ve spoken to the Station Manager and decided he can go. He turns and shouts to me that me and my company are a bunch of gutless wonders!!! Since when did I own a train company??

I’m left standing speechless when the station manager actually does come over. “Did you upset him or something?” he asks. I calmly take off my cap, hand him my ticket dispenser and change pouch, and said “*uck this. I quit!” Then I hopped onto a train and headed home.

No apologies for length, I never got one!
(Thu 7th Sep 2006, 17:42, More)

» Conned

Hoof Hearted
When I was younger I had an arguement with my brother about a nasty smell that was lingering in the air.

"wasn't me!" I said
"wasn't me either" said my brother
"Was too!"
"Was not. I can prove it. Smell my bottom."

I lent forward towards his bent over arse and inhaled deeply. At which point the complete bastard farted a wet sloppy one.

I'll never fall for that one again ( I was 27)
(Tue 23rd Oct 2007, 8:53, More)

» My Saviour

a running joke
I took part in an organised charity run and managed to keep pace with a raise cute looking girl. My only goal was finishing the race before her. That was it.

Sadly I was unfit and fat, and she quickly shook me off her tail. Imagine my surprise when, near the finish line I see her lagging. I reclaimed that lost distance and just as I glided past her, she stops and vomits all over her trainers.

I'd love to say I stopped and helped but I just thought "Fuck that..." and carried on running. And, like most encounters I have with women, I finished before her.
(Thu 9th May 2013, 13:53, More)

» Lego

Lego
I must admit to being a bit addicted to Lego during my teenage years. I even took on a shitty washer upper job in a nearby restaurant to fund my shocking habit. In the end I had quite a collection that would bring me hours of joy.

I can remember clearly the hazy summer days spent slaving away putting dishes in the gigantic washer, anticipating the end of day when I got paid my paltry £5.50 (this was before minimum wage).

I'd rush to the nearest shop and spend ages appreciating any new stock and weighing up my options. With stealth and practised precision I would quickly buy my prized possession and run home with haste.

Finally, in the solitude of my bedroom and with my newly acquired Lego I would wank myself blind.

No, hang on, not Lego. The other one. Porn mags.
(Wed 30th Oct 2013, 8:45, More)

» Personal Ads

he loves the pussy..........and the bum?
I had the misfortune to work for a company where my two immediate workmates consisted of a full grade-A pervert and a family man. One dull morning forementioned pervert approached me in a very excited state. I assumed at this point he was on the verge of telling me about last nights escapades where his spit roasted a prozzie with his dad (but no, he saved that for Wednesday)

He stood hunched over me, his whole body jerking as though an electrical current was flowing through him. The white spittle that had gathered in the corners of his mouth sprayed liberally over the back of my head as told me of a startling discovery. It turns out that whilst surfing a swingers website for some local fun he discovered an advert posted by our very own "family man".

This was too good an oppurtunity to miss so we got straight on the interweb and pulled up his details. There he was, photos and all, praising the joys of munching on a juicy pussy. At this point I should mention that I knew his password to his hotmail account that he was using for these personal ads. Mainly because he lacked any imagination and all of his passwords were the same.

I decided to take a quick look (re:repeatadly log in and snoop around) at his hotmail account. This was possibly, one of my biggest mistakes ever. There were about six or seven replies from men, mostly old and fat, holding their limp todgers in their hands.

The worst one was a reply to a reply from the "family man" where he stated he was very keen to "fuck and suck" and that he was a "new boy on the block". This was followed with a picture......of him on the bed holding his engorged member for all to see.

Everytime I saw him with his wife and kids, a small blob of bile would bubble up into the back of my throat.
(Fri 14th Sep 2007, 9:15, More)