» Guilty Laughs

Occasionally...
I serve on our jewellery counter at work. It is unusual but it does happen.

One day I happen to be serving when two gentlemen walk in. They are both very jolly, rather rotund and look rather similar. Oh and they are very, very gay.

I was happy to serve them with a selection of wedding bands which they were looking at and I asked a fateful question... do you know what sizes you are.? One of them replied...

"Oh we know the sizes, we spent yesterday evening comparing rings".

SOMEHOW I managed to control myself but serving through gritted teeth with a ventriliquist's dummy style smile lasted only until they had left and I was in the stockroom hooting like a hyena.
(Sun 25th Jul 2010, 21:12, More)

» Schadenfreude

Arse Train...
When I regularly used to visit an ex who lived in Bath I had to catch a train to Bristol Temple Meads and then change for Bath there.

One day I dived into the first train to arrive (a 150/2 on the way from Cardiff to Portsmouth just so you know and my autistic brain can let out ALL the details) and ended up stood by the doors as it was pretty full and I only had a ten minute journey in front of me. The guard wandered past in the direction of his end (oooh err missus) and I suddenly spied three girls running to get on...

... the first two made it, for they were more lithe and less plump, the third one made a jump for it just as the beeping started. As it stopped she hit the step into the saloon JUST as the sliding doors slammed shut...

...on her arse. She stood there totally wedged with both cheeks firmly stuck between the doors until the units electrics worked out there was a blockage and reopened them. No one in the carriage could have helped her purely as everyone was helpless with laughter. She took it in good humour although turning a fantastic shade of scarlet.

The image of that chubby chick with her bumcakes firmly fixed in that doorway like a fat hamster stuck in a rotastack pipe will go with me to the grave.
(Wed 23rd Dec 2009, 16:28, More)

» It's Not What It Looks Like!

Easy...
I have had an aversion to wearing underwear for years, my thin waist means i end up with a permenant wedgie, so getting changed at work always takes some timing to make sure no one else is going to burst into our little cloakroom.

One day a few years ago I was getting changed in there with a good mate so imagine the scene...

He was topless, I was bottomless changing my trews at which point he asks if I would like any free condoms (he ran a youth club so had a lot lying around and I am a cheapskate). I replied yes and so as he held out said jonnies, still half starkers and with me bending over about to pull up my bottoms... in walked our boss. He paused for a heart beat, then slowly closed the door.

I could barely finish getting dressed for laughing.!
(Sun 12th Dec 2010, 9:03, More)

» * PFFT *

Ah farts ARE funny...
Let me see...

1, Ex girlfriend who only ever ate Kormas for some unknown reason and was quite ladylike otherwise, would trump her arse off in bed. I remember cuddling up to her one night and having the unmistakable aroma of arse wafting up from under the duvet. She swallowed the ball off her tongue bar one day and I suggested if she had to guff she pointed herself away from people... instant new nicname... "The Musket".

2, Friend of mine at work once turned up for his shift and told us this little story... "I woke up and to my utter horror found my girlfriend's ring about 2 inches from my nose, cheeks held apart by her as she let fly with a massive postern blast which sent her into fits of giggles. And she looked such a nice girl normally.!

3, Sitting eating breakfast with my bro one morning he dropped a fart that sounded EXACTLY like a motorbike passing outside. I even looked out the window.!

3, My workplace is mostly populated by women, but upstairs it is us men that dominate (shopfloor versus stockroom) and this leads to a massive amount of chuffing, guffing and breaking of wind. The worst are post curry or chinese with my bum giving resounding smells but sod all noise. The slightly chubbier staff have the extra bummage to create noises usually only found eminating from the back of badly maintained buses.

And 4, The fine art of nipping into your brothers room while he is brushing his teeth at night, farting mightily into the pillow then running away. Brilliant fun.
(Sat 14th Jul 2007, 17:45, More)

» Political Correctness Gone Mad

My Favourite Insult...
A certain black ex-employee at my work was getting a bit uppity about another white employee who was telling him what to do. All very fairly as the black dude wasn't always pulling his weight and did spend a surprising amount of time smoking himself into a total stupor whilst outside of working hours.

On one particular occasion the black dude, lets call him Bob, got upset and when he got fed up with being constantly told to get the fuck on with working (as the lazy bugger was pissing around) he had a little arguement with the white guy, let us name him Ted...

Ted: Stop fucking around and do some work
Bob: Will you stop going on at me, it's cos I'm black innit.?

Ted: I don't care if you are bright purple, you're still a lazy cunt.!
(Fri 23rd Nov 2007, 19:07, More)