» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

Databases
I worked in a video shop for 10 years and we had handy little notes on all the customers' accounts.

Helpful things like

"never rewinds"

"will try it on"

"likes a bit of porn"

"fucking deviant"

"you know you would if she offered"

"stop looking at his ears"

"she gives me wood"

"lying bastard"

"i know she's 14, but I really would"

We had to wipe them all off when a lad with autism did work experience there because he kept reading them out loud.
(Thu 27th Sep 2007, 20:54, More)

» When were you last really scared?

yes dear, it was very funny.
Oooh about 13 years ago when still courting the now Mrs Smorgasbord, she'd driven over to York with her friend Nat and wasn't due back until late.

I'm waiting for her to arrive back and thinking she's a pushing it a bit.

All of a sudden I get a horrible feeling of fear, for no reason, for about ten seconds. Then the phone rings: it's her, obviously very upset. I'm seriously freaked.

"Christ, what's wrong? Are you OK?"

"Yeah (sob) I'm OK, (sob) It's, it's Nat, (sob) the car, It just..."

That feeling when the mixture of horror and adrenaline reaches your feet? Fuck, I was close to passing out from it.

"HA HA HA! Only joking, I'm just dropping Nat off. Back in ten minutes"

Can't believe I still married her.


Length? Irrelevant, it's still catatonic from shock.
(Thu 22nd Feb 2007, 21:14, More)

» Road Rage

Go on, one more.
Every day on the way to work I have to go nearly all the way around a motorway junction's roundabout. Of course, I'm in the right hand lane as I'm taking 4th exit.

At least once a week there'll be a twat in the far left lane who is heading for the same exit. I can see them pissing off all the other drivers who are struggling to turn off around them as they sit in the wrong lane all the way around, so recently I've started fighting back.

This only works about every fourth time, but keeps me giggling for weeks. If I time it right, I can end up next to one of these twats as they approach the motorway slip road that is before our exit. I'm in the correct lane, he's on my left with no indicators on. My lane continues, his turns off.

Oh, the looks they give me as they get forced onto the motorway...

Next junction's a good 5 miles as well.
(Mon 16th Oct 2006, 12:31, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

megan fox
yeah, I can see the blow-job lips, but outside of that she's just your everyday half-thumbed freak.
(Sat 17th Oct 2009, 0:38, More)

» Blood

DIY mouth abortion simulator
I had one of those tooth/gum things where your gums bleed a bit. Well, they bled quite a lot if you sat there sucking at your teeth.

So, one morning I woke up and was sucking away while pondering whether to get out of bed or not. After a while i realised there was a fair bit of blood in my mouth. Being human, and therefore curious, i decided to see if i could completely fill my mouth with blood. Turns out i could.

It also turns out that if you leave it in your mouth for about half an hour, it congeals.

So when I finally got up to spit it out, rather than filling the loo with lovely runny blood, i dropped a large, red chewy ball of what looked like what i can only imagine an abortion would produce.

Unfortunately i didn't have a camera to hand, and the antibiotics cleared it up, otherwise there would be some clicky goodness for you.
(Sat 9th Aug 2008, 20:59, More)