» My Collection

Scientific study of blobness
When the Tampax woman came to our school for The Talk, I was rather amazed when she told us that we lose around 1/2 cup of blood per month. I asked how she knew this and did someone have to sit on a cup for 6 days *snort* She said they just collected the used tampons and weighed them. Soaked weight - dry weight = 1/2 cup of dead uterus apparently. Ok, I'm sure you can work out what I collected. I put them all into a big Nivea tin as we didn't have any scales at home. Then I completely forgot about them. 2 weeks later I remembered, but they had gone all blue and black.
(Wed 17th Jan 2007, 23:55, More)

» Why should you be fired from your job?

I can beat any claim of "I do nothing"
I actually, truly did nothing in my last job for the last 5 months. I didn't turn up to work, I didn't check my emails, I didn't answer my work mobile. I'd just had enough and stopped coming in, but since I had 4 managers and a 'mentor' they must have all assumed one of them was working with me. Oh wait, I did do one thing. Fill in my timesheet every month with "37.5 hours training". But one day a recorded delivery letter arrived to say I needed to come in and discuss why I had been training for so long, and I resigned since the game was up. They even let me keep my work laptop AND gave 2 weeks extra pay as a bonus for never having a sick day. Best. Job. Ever.
(Mon 13th Aug 2007, 10:26, More)

» Childhood Ambitions

It's ok to laugh.
I remember vividly, aged 4, wanting to grow up with white skin so that I wouldn't get called Paki and Nignog. Nowadays I not only get called Paki, I am also called Coconut by other asians.
(Fri 30th Mar 2007, 20:05, More)

» Guilty Secrets

Sorry Ron
Aged about 7 or 8, I was at a neighbours house playing with their strange kid who never went to the same school as anyone else. I was showing him the hi-LAR-ious trick of putting the end of the toilet roll in the bog and flushing it, causing most of the roll to unwind and flush away. He put his very young pet kitten on the cistern while I set things up. *flush* *plop* "meowp". The kid was in tears of course but I knew that both our parents would never believe the truth (ie that we didn't flush kitty on purpose, he/she/it just slide and fell in mid-flush) so I menacingly told him to keep his mouth shut. Saw him a week later crying in the street by a road drain. I'm really, really sorry Ron. I sleep at night by telling myself you would have been sent back to your old boarding school and bummed to buggery if we'd said anything.
(Fri 31st Aug 2007, 15:43, More)

» Family Holidays

Holiday 84
Two weeks in Canada. Day one we went to Wonderland (fucking ace theme park) and I won a Hanna Barbera plastic cup. Day two mum and dad decided to visit some friends on the other side of the country, leaving us abso-fucking-lutely free to do whatever we damn well pleased for the rest of the holiday. Nothing but lovely sunny days, the sweets and fizzy drinks are in full flow and the $1 bags of cheese puffs are as big as a pillow. Cartoons all day every day if it was too hot to go out, and people in the street would say 'Hi there lil lady!" instead of "Why don't you go back to where you came from darkie?" We'd never had takeaway pizza or real ice-cream before (this was 1984 after all) so we pigged out constantly. On the last day we stopped off at a weird place called Macinac Island which didn't have any cars but was full of nothing but fudge shops. Handmade fudge, smooth and delicious, made right in front of you like a Roald Dahl fantasy. (I just googled it to check it wasn't a figment of my imagination.)

And no holiday since has ever topped this one.
(Sun 5th Aug 2007, 22:03, More)