» Childhood Ambitions

The need...for speed!
I wanted to be a fighter pilot. Sadly, I have fucking chronic asthma, so my chances of pulling negative inverted g's in a hell fire dogfight are limited to Afterburner.
Actual career? I.T. Support. Get in...
(Thu 29th Mar 2007, 14:21, More)

» Personal Hygiene

The return of the stinker...
I've worked in Education for a few years now as a tech support bod so as you can imagine I've come across a wonderous and varied cross section of life. Somewhere deep in the West Midlands, whereupon I was granted an office in the engineering block of a large FE college, I was made aware of an odorous offender called James. Now, don't get me wrong here, James was a bit hindered in the old grey matter, and despite this was a wizz with electronics. Seriously, this guy used to bring in TV's older then me he'd fixed. But James had a problem.
James probably hadn't taken a bath since, well, ever. You'd smell the guy coming WAY before you'd see him. We lived on the first floor of said block, and due to the wonders of osmosis, could aid ourselves in hiding...not that it ever did us much good mind, as James had radar for finding one electrical technician in particular, and I happened to share an office with said chap. Poor Mr H, I still feel sorry for him now...what made it worse, is James used to turn up on the hottest day of the year without fail.
Worst time I can imagine, one Thursday in the hight of summer. Sun shining, windows open, birds singing, peach of a day...then, from beneath the door, comes the waft of creeping death. Seriously, it was an indescribable smell, a heady mix of stale b.O. ammonia, solder rosin and wet dog with a hint of arse nugget. Me and Mr H looked at each other and dived for the lock, culling the lights and hitting the deck in total silence. The smell is getting stronger, footsteps are coming closer...then comes the call:
MISTER H**P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BANG BANG BANG goes our door, bouncing off it's plinth.
We remain in silence.
Again, BANG BANG BANG.
MISTER H**P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm now choking on this guys fettered attire and he ain't even in the room yet.
This goes on for five minutes. I'm now desperate for a piss. Then, muffled voices down the corridor! Huzzah! Other people!!!!
That doesn't stop James though. He asks where Mr H is, and a kind person points out he's defiantly in his office. At this point, the door is tried and we are forced to open it...and there he stands. It's 23 degrees outside, and James is wearing an overcoat that was so thick you could have crossed the North Pole in it, a clutch of carrier bags full of old PCB and by god, the most offensive breath this side of a barrel full of vaginosis infected swabs. I make my excuses and leg it, the smell still fresh in my nostrils, to the sanctuary of another office far far away.
Apparently he stayed for two hours despite being asked to leave several times...security escorted him away in the end. Took us three days to fumigate the office....
(Tue 27th Mar 2007, 9:57, More)

» My first experience of porn

SINS!
I remember it well. I was about 11, home alone for an hour cus by older sister was at work and my parents had gone shopping. I was a trustworty sensible kid ya see.
Anyhow, I had gone for my coat out the cupboard a few weeks earlier and saw a huge, black VHS case neslted under a few blankets. Memory served me well, and low that night I did open said box and drop it into the VCR...
Private Video presents...PRIVATE SINS.
Pure Germanic porn filth.
I watched in bemused fashion as two birds in PVC took it it turns to mash there lady parts into some lucky fella's face before going two up on him and having a good old snog at the same time.
Over the course of a few weeks I watched the whole vid, using counter reset 0 to take it back to the exact same point where I had found it. No body ever knew. Rar.
When I was 16 my Dad actually told me where he kept his Porn stash and told me I could copy it if I wanted. I was the Porn King of my college. Yeeeehaw. Made a small fortune.
(Fri 26th Jan 2007, 14:38, More)

» Where is the strangest place you have slept?

On a table....
Flat out, utterly at peace and unable to be stirred...in the middle of some god awful wedding of some distant relative of an ex. I awoke, to find people cleaning up bottles and glasses round me, and my ex's family laughing and taking pictures. I was then carried back to the car, and woke up the following day in the hallway/porch of their house. I protested and demanded to be left there in my drunken stooper, and not exactly being a small lad, they had dutifully left me there. Apparently I got bored someway through the afternoon and drank the bar dry of Jack Daniels...cost? Coooo, bout £60. Best sleep ever though.

Ohh first post!
Length? God you'd LOVE it!
(Thu 4th Jan 2007, 12:00, More)