» Guilty Secrets

ropey bird, paid off children!
Me and my best mate whizzed out of our tiny minds in the local pub circa '95. Ropey bird walks in (actually a mates wife), shes pissed out of her head and is locked out of her house. Now we already know she is a total spunk dump and do the honorable thing. We walk her back to her house and break in.

She also had her three kids with her who, although it was way past midnight, would not go to bed in order for the inevitable to happen to their mother.
A cunning plan was hatched by me. The kids were each paid the princely sum of one english pound to go to bed. They agreed and left their grot money on the mantlepiece.

Right, we thought as the pair of us ploughed straight into this monstrosity of a woman. I have never seen anyone so ugly and only have one head. It mattered not as we greedily helped ourselves to a tit each.

Things progressed and we took her up to her chamber. A good old fashioned spit roast ensued, even though we were momentarily interrupted by one of her kids walking in on the three of us and calling mummy a trollop. Fair enough though.

The guilty bit is still to come. On our way out I sneaked back into the front room and swiped the kids three quid so I could get some smokes from the 24 hour garage on the way home.
Any more proud and I could burst.
(Fri 31st Aug 2007, 17:01, More)

» Being told off as an adult

nazi
Not too long ago my eldest lad was playing football in the street. The nearest park is too far away for him to go on his own in the current paedo epidemic.

The ball lands in old german bastards front garden so my lad walks in the garden and picks it up.

Cue the old fascist ,who had probably been waiting for this all day, to storm out of his house as though the football was some kind of jew egg and take the ball back into his house.

My lad knocks the door and politely asks for it back.

"you can have it back after i have put a knife through it" he screams as though he was asking for his papers at a checkpoint.

My lad is in tears and reports back to me with what has happened.

I do what any father would do and go round there to sort him out.

"if you are going to put a knife through that ball because it lands in your garden, I am will put a knife through your cat and nail it to your door the next time it shits in my garden"

That told him. Fucking german cunt. And we got the ball back.
(Fri 21st Sep 2007, 16:44, More)

» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

friday phone tennis
In my office on a Friday afternoon we are generally besieged by cold callers selling various crap, anything from mobiles to bog rolls.

Anyhoo, nothing gives us more pleasure on a Friday than a game of phone tennis. The rules are simple: when someone asks, for example, to speak to the person responsible for ordering your paper clips. (like we have a whole department for that) you pass them over to another chap in the office.
Unfortunately you have accidentally transferred them to the wrong department. Much fun ensues:

caller: can you put me through to the person that deals with paper clip ordering please?

me: oh yes no problem. (leave them on hold for one minute and transfer them to the person sitting two feet away from me. (rob)

rob: hello, canteen.

caller: oh, I need to speak to the paper clip ordering department.

rob: we don't have any need for paper clips in the canteen love. Although we do recommend a staple diet! I'll just transfer you. (leave on hold for a minute first though to ensure maximum hilarity)

me: (in strong pakistani accent) Ello, delivewies how may I be helping you.

Caller: Can I be put through to the person who......

repeat until it is time to go home. The record is 9 or ten transfers, with at least 4 counts of casual racism.

have fun with it.
(Fri 28th Sep 2007, 17:02, More)

» Terrible Parenting

naive swearing
Mrs spluff driving around with the kids, gets cut up and proceeds to call the bloke a wanker. Nothing wrong with that at all. I am told this by my 9 year old son. Conversation goes like this:

Son: Mum swore at someone in the car today.

Me: Really what did she say?

Son: I cant tell you its swearing.

Me: Oh ok then

Son: She said wank with E and R on the end!

I nearly shat. Bless him.
(Fri 17th Aug 2007, 16:44, More)

» Too much information

plain old wrong
Whilst just 18 my best mate and I would regularly go to the local and get pissed. I would phone him at his mums house and he would walk 200 yards to my house and we would then carry on a further 200 yards to the pub.

All pretty normal stuff I am sure you would agree.
However I phoned him early one evening for the purpose of arranging one of our notorious drinking sessions. Straight away I could tell he was being a little...er..cagey on the phone. Never the less we made arrangements to meet later.

I quizzed him later regarding his awkward tone earlier that evening. To which he answered as if it was no big deal:

Oh, sorry about that, my mum was just pushing my piles back up my arse!

GIP.

true, unlike a lot on here. You know who you are.
(Thu 6th Sep 2007, 18:23, More)