» Abusing freebies

Free bar disaster...
I once got a nice freebie from my Mum who worked in marketing. She couldn't attend so sent me and the future Missus bryce in her place. Big mistake.
It was at a very posh hotel and it kicked off with free champagne on arrival that me and the missus took full advantage of. Then dinner and more drink. The after dinner drinks at the bar. I held up surprisingly well but the missus was wrecked by 10pm. I was fairly pissed off as it meant having to leave my free malt whisky supply, but I had no other option than take the boozy girl home.
We make it to reception without incident, but can't see any taxis outside. I leave the girl sitting outside (thinking that the fresh air might help, and that she can't walk too good anyway) and go into reception to see if they can get me one. For some reason at this point the girl wants to come see me and starts staggering towards the front door. They have one of those automatic revolving doors that starts moving when it senses your approach... Disaster! This is too complicated for the pissed up wench to negotiate and she gets the timing all wrong. Thunk! Head trapped betwixt door and door frame! Needless to say myself and the reception staff started howling with laughter, pointing, calling friends to look etc.
I never got another freeby from my mother again...
(Tue 13th Nov 2007, 16:27, More)

» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

Bridge Shit
The village where I grew up had an old railway bridge crossing the main road. The track was turned into a cycle path and was a great place to muck around as a kid.
Things started innocently enough, until the teenage urge to up the ante and shock each other and society kicked in. Over the weeks we progressed from standing on the bridge looking at the traffic. To spitting on the cars/busses as they went under. Then praying for and targeting open sunroofs etc. This culminated in us holding onto my mate Steve while he launched a firm turd onto the unsuspecting motorists...
We couldn't beat that. I think we took an interest in girls soon after. Thankfully.
(Tue 24th Jul 2007, 17:48, More)

» Things we do to fit in

I gave up sex for gansta rappers!
I work in media and sometimes get to 'work' with a wide variety of VIP's, footballers, celebutards and the Krankies.

It is quite varied and includes everything from writing press releases for nobodies who want to become somebodies that are 100% fake. To having to pick up half naked clients out of the gutter at 3:30 am. To being a 'facilitator' who does everything from pick up coffee and dry cleaning to coke and worse.

On one occasion we were having a bunch of people over from Puff Daddy's label in New York, among them was 50 Cent at the time his rising star prodigy. I didn't have much to do on this one, only arrange for appropriate transport, hotels and entertainment for approx. 20 of them... Now they flew in on Thursday evening and were going back out on Saturday, so as requested I had arranged for them to be on the guest list at a very hot night club with a prepaid bar bill of £15K. I didn't have to do anything else for the duration but not one to miss out on a Friday night for free I put myself +1 down on the list so I could impress a hot little minx with my power (and free drinks).

The Friday came round and I picked up my lady friend and took her for some pre-drink drinks. She was looking hot and being really flirty with me. It was looking like filthy sex was a sure thing.

We caught a taxi to the club but as we stepped out and past the huge line of people waiting to get in there was some sort of fracas going on at the door. I sobered up instantly as I sized up the situation. A REALLY wasted 50 Cent had somehow exited the club and was trying to get back in. He was ranting at the bouncers who weren't having any of it (I wouldn't believe some twat trying to blag their way in either). I could tell that they were about 3 seconds from applying knuckles to his $10 million face. My client was in severe jeopardy.

So what could I do but interject and tell the bouncers that I was on the list and this person was my +1. I watched as my date's face shattered and broke like a cunted mirror.

"Shit!" I thought, "The things I do to get Fiddy in!"



Sorry.
(Fri 16th Jan 2009, 23:53, More)

» Family Holidays

Reichstag...
Travelling round Europe in a large camper van when I was around 15. Had a great trip but the close confines made doing what normal 15 year olds like to do on a mutliple daily basis difficult.
One day in Berlin I managed to escape and get some peace and quiet. That's right, I done a wank in the epi-centre of German politics, the Reichstag.
(Wed 8th Aug 2007, 15:13, More)

» Spoilt Brats

I was a bit spoiled...
Back in the day I had grown up abroad and it was pretty normal for us to have several servants (I believe they are referred to as 'helpers' etc. now).
When we returned back to the UK we reverted to 'normal', however no one told a young (4yr old) brycemonkey this.
We happened to go out for a curry (very exotic back then) in the busiest curry house in Glasgow. The place was packed. The was a que down the street of people trying to get in. Every table was packed.
After a bit I felt some pressure on my bladder and being a 'big boy' I was sent off by myself to take care of business. I must have met a member of staff while I was in the toilet. I chose to relate this encounter to my parents sitting at their table at the bottom of the stairs, by shouting at them from the top of the stairs. "MUM, DAD! THEY LET THE SERVANTS USE THE TOILETS IN HERE!!!"

All noise in the busy restaurant stopped. My parents hoped that the earth would open up and swallow them. It didn't.

I'm much better now though.
(Tue 14th Oct 2008, 10:25, More)