Well, the other guy had a utility belt


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(Fri 15th Nov 2019, 16:17, More)

» Asking people out

I work 3rd shift in grocery,
and very lonely. A customer, who sometimes lingered to chat while I worked, revealed enough about herself for me to realize that she was what I was looking for. So, I said, "Madam, come to my house and I will put on Barber's Adagio for Strings and have my way with you."

She freaked out and I spent weeks certain that I would be deservedly dismissed for being nuts. Instead, she invited me out to coffee and later became spouse #2.
(Fri 11th Dec 2009, 22:09, More)

» What nonsense did you believe in as a kid?

What are traffic signals but cenotaphs?
A grade school [USA 1952]classmate said that she would see visit me on Saturday. I waited and waited in my front yard. She never showed up. At school, I learned that she died, hit by a car, in her attempt to cross a busy street between my house and hers. I was six years old, so of course I knew better than to reveal a connection.

By the next academic year, the city installed a traffic control device to give pedestrians a chance to cross.

I concluded that death was necessary for the installation of a traffic signal. The business area had probably seen a bloodbath in its time.

Of course, I know better now, but, having made the macabre connection, I still think about her death at stop lights and when asked about childhood misconceptions. I'm not worth dying for.
(Wed 25th Jan 2012, 17:13, More)

» Bedroom Disasters

Abrupt waking incident:
My wife and I, working students attending the university, did the typical 1970 mattress on the floor back then. She was supposed to wake me up so that I could get to my overnight job but did't watch the time closely. She shouted, "You're going to be late!"

I bolted up and took a step into a solid wall, which knocked me flat on my back. Even with the lights on and all, I immediately repeated the first act with the same result.

The third time, I did get up and out, grabbing my motorcycle helmet and putting it on to drive the car.
(Thu 23rd Jun 2011, 18:21, More)

» Shops and Supermarkets

I work the graveyard shift at a store
open all night. I had tap dancers circle me to the music overhead, gymnasts doing flips and cartwheels down my aisle, a female bodybuilder who stripped off her street clothes to run through her posing routine, and a paint department fire that made the ceiling look like the bottom of the tea kettle over the flame.

My cohorts all like best the visit from two lewd lesbian lovers, who used my flattop (rolling work table) for tongue-wrestling, crotch-pawing, nipple-pinching fun. I kept the action in my peripheral vision and behaved as though this was just an ordinary misappropriation of my work equipment.

The one facing me eventually said, "Look. It's not even bothering him."

I replied, "I'm a [name of company] professional and the only judgment I make is how best to fill your grocery needs."

What I didn't tell them was that I had internet and I'd seen this movie before. They left, performing some less audacious displays of affection on the way, but nothing trumped the routine done for my benefit.
(Sun 13th May 2012, 14:09, More)

» More Terrible Hotels

A single, bare 15-watt bulb centered in a 12-foot high ceiling
gave sufficient illumination to see the sixty or so cockroaches sharing my room. (I extrapolate from the actual fifteen I counted in the basin.) Multiple smoke detectors with failing power chirped throughout the building.

The scuffle opposite my room woke me up for the cockroach cotillion. A thief, having lost his wallet in the room he broke into, returned to fetch it, but the hotel guest had since returned.

I don't know what kind of place it is that the police can arrive in five minutes after a fight starts.
(Mon 1st Dec 2014, 19:18, More)