» Neighbours

Albert the Knob
My area's a bit of a croak estate, so it's full of oldies with nothing better to do than find things to complain about.

Unfortunately next door to me is an old Scottish twat and his wife.
He constantly complains about anything, even though my wife and I are out all day and give him no reason.

He complained once that some branches of my tree were overhanging his garden (by around 2 feet I think, about 25 feet up). He said he'd consulted the C.A.B. and was within his rights to cut them off. I would have done it for him, but after that I let the crippled 70-year-old do it himself.

Anyhow, I built a nice big 12'x12' brick shed at the end of my garden, and felt the rough, unpainted, offcut adored side facing him needed something to finish it off. So I put this on the apex;

4.bp.blogspot.com/_T27jvCPoJf4/SkN76kUgoTI/AAAAAAAAb1E/P8i7Gz0FHL0/s1600-h/SHED_P1010682_crop.JPG

It's been up for a while now. My wife suggested I pained it pink, but that wouldn't be subtle enough, would it. I want it to slowly dawn on him...
(Thu 1st Oct 2009, 14:43, More)

» Failed Projects

We just didn't think it through...
Many years ago I was helping a friend build a nice big garage across the end of his garden.

He had a partially complete LWB Land Rover parked where we were going to build. We tried pushing it but those fuckers weigh a ton, so he suggested he'd get the starter motor wired up and "Just move it up the garden a bit" later that day.

The next morning we arrived to find it 150ft away, right up to his house, with a trail of flattened wendy houses, swings and sand pits in it's wake.

Apparently he'd started it, ground it into gear and set off, only to remember he hadn't connected the brakes. Struggling to get it out of gear, the 4WD behemoth crashed it's way towards his kitchen, much to the shock of his wife washing up at the window at the time.

We laughed about it for a few weeks, until we realized we'd built the garage with no way of getting the Land Rover out of the garden now.
(Thu 3rd Dec 2009, 16:35, More)

» Surprise!

BBQ Bruce
A colleague told me that he’d once gone to a neighbour’s house for a BBQ.

When excusing himself to go to the toilet, his neighbour said “The bathroom door sticks, you’ve have to push it a little.”.
Sure enough, the door resisted, so in his words “I gave it a bit of a shove with my shoulder.”.

One broken lock and a rather surprised neighbour’s wife seated on the throne ensured he didn’t get invited back again.
(Fri 5th Apr 2013, 7:27, More)

» My Arch-nemesis

Honestly, it's not my fault
I live on a croak estate. Most of the people are over 60, so my wife and me are seen a bit as the youngsters in the street.

My neighbours, being at home all day with nothing to do, often fabricate reasons to complain or at best comment on. Albert (the knob) has already been mentioned. When I got fed up with his "leaves from your tree are falling in my garden"-type moans I put this nice apex piece on the side of my brick shed facing his garden;

4.bp.blogspot.com/_T27jvCPoJf4/SkN76kUgoTI/AAAAAAAAb1E/P8i7Gz0FHL0/s1600-h/SHED_P1010682_crop.JPG

It's massive, and he still hasn't noticed after nearly a year.

My real nemesis though is the old fart from 2 doors down. He and his wife have always been quite abusive (the neighbour between us left ecause of them).

For some reason they started to accuse me of having stolen their cat, just because they can't always find it. I usually laugh at them, but the last time I was out washing the car and he came up to me with a 10 minute tirade of abuse and shouting. I laughed a fair bit at first, especially at the "I'll fucking do you" coming from a fat 71 year-old to a fairly fit 44 year old with 38 years of karate training.

Eventually I told him to piss off, then went inside and rang the police to report him. Result! 2 hobby-bobbies turned up, and took my statement. They even asked if he had mental illness problems (how impartial is that?).

They went to see him the next day, them came back to me some time later. He's been given an ASBO essentially, and told to keep away.

He's still a nemesis, but now I can go past his house with a wry grin, meowing, and watch him stomp off indoors like a loon.

I was thinking of putting up one of the "Cat found - tasted like chicken" posters. Any other ideas??
(Thu 29th Apr 2010, 13:28, More)

» Real-life slapstick

Rent-a-Ninja
'Twas the dead of night in a large creaky farmhouse, somewhere in the depths of middle Earth or Wales as it's now called.

My friends and I had driven from Essex that morning, and after a hearty meal, we'd all collapsed with our partners into our respective rooms, dotted around the corridors of the uneven upstairs floor.

I awoke with the urge to piss for England. With the usual boner mother nature supplies in these circumstances, both to prevent you from letting go when you're asleep and also when you're awake in front of the crapper.

Using all my Ninja skills, I quietly got out of bed, not waking my girlfriend, and crept towards the door, feeling my way as I went. Every footstep was accompanied with a load groan or squeak from the misshapen floorboards.

Once out of the bedroom, I faintly remembered the way to the bathroom, down a long corridor. I had to walk either on the extreme edges, or on the skirting board, bracing myself against the opposite wall, in order to be as silent as possible.

I knew I was getting close, as I could faintly see the bathroom door ahead. Encouraged by the sight of my goal, I pressed on...

One thing I hadn't thought of though, was exactly where all the other doors were. With only 2 steps to go, feet braced on one wall, I moved my hands for a final push and fell through the unlocked door of my friends room, performing an almost perfect roll-and-stand manoeuvre.

Their bedside light was on.
They were having "Special cuddles"
I'd burst in completely without warning, standing in my trollies, sporting a rather magnificent semi.

No-one laughed. It wasn't exactly Harold Lloyd slapstick.
(Tue 26th Jan 2010, 14:39, More)