» Cringe!

Just last week, I was upstairs
And my girlfriend was downstairs, feeding our baby daughter. She yells up the stairs, "She's just been sick all over my hair!"

So I yell back "Well, it could be worse, at least it's not spunk."

She yells "Errr.... Johab. My mother's here."

Ooops.
(Fri 28th Nov 2008, 23:11, More)

» Food sabotage

Manked camping
One weekend camping at a festival, my friend rather kindly offered to make tea - as everyone was still suffering from the night before, this was a most welcome offer from her.

As the tea was supped, someone commented that it really didn't taste good.

A bit of investigation, sniffing the kettle, and checking the various bottles of liquid around, it was discovered she had mistaken the bottle of Bacardi for the bottle of water.

Everyone was drinking boiled rum with sugar, milk and teabag.
(Tue 23rd Sep 2008, 10:58, More)

» Devastating Put-Downs

A comedian to a heckler
He'd been pointedly ignoring the guy for a few minutes, but eventually shook his head in disappointment and said "Mate, you've got it the wrong way round - the idea is to make ME look like a cunt."
(Thu 24th Nov 2011, 23:24, More)

» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

Double girlfriend bruised cock shame
One day a work buddy of mine managed to slam into the side of a van on his motorbike - being a heavily built chap (he was a nightclub bouncer on the side), he was essentially uninjured.

Apart from his tackle.

Apparently his schlong very quickly went red and purple from the bruising, and his nuts ballooned to the size of oranges.

He couldn't walk, and the hospital were quite concerned about the general look of this and his future procreative ability, so they kept him in for a few days until he could walk unaided and to ensure the swelling was going down.

Did I mention he was a nightclub bouncer? One of the perks of the job was getting lots of lovely ladies throwing themselves at you night after night.

Now he had several liaisons on the go at once, and when they couldn't get hold of him on his mobile, or at home, they asked at the club. Who promptly told each one they could find him at the hospital.

So, imagine the scene, two girls turn up simultaneously at his bedside:

"Hello, who are you?"
"I'm his girlfriend."
"Err, no, I'm his girlfriend"
"Like fuck. Mike, what's her problem? Fuck off love."
"You get to fuck bitch, tell her Mike!"

And now a third lady enters the fray, and Mike has three harridans, screaming at each other, screaming at him, and the poor bastard can't get away from it, and all he can do look mournfully at his lap and the injured, useless member therein, and consider the 4 things he regretted doing with his cock.
(Fri 13th Mar 2009, 12:35, More)

» Housemates

Housemate wank drug death attempt
I got a phone call one evening from one of my housemates, J, saying he was sure that our other housemate Ahab (well, it's the first pseudonym I thought of, ok?) should have been going to work for his nightshift, his light was on, he hadn't been seen all day, and his door was locked and there was no response to all of J's banging.

Locked? The doors don't have locks... so I instruct J to just shoulder-barge the door until he either a) breaks it down or b) gets a response from Ahab.

Now, I knew that Ahab had been spending a lot of time and money on recreational drugs and drinking, and I just had this horrible image that the bastard had managed to kill himself in my house.

Luckily I get a call back from J five minutes later saying that although Ahab had barricaded himself in, and was clearly off his mash, he'd grunted a semi-coherent response and was in fact still alive.

I got back at the weekend, and J told Ahab to tell me what he'd told him. Apparently Ahab had drunk and smoked quite a lot, then popped a few magic beans and done some nosebag, and decided that he'd pull the chest of drawers across the door (so as not to be disturbed with a lack of lock) and spread his grot mags in a wide semi-circle, and have a really good, out-of-this-world, wank.

Unfortunately, he'd fallen into a deep slumber, and failed to make it into work, which is where J and I came in to the story.

"And tell him the rest" says J.

"Oh yeah" says Ahab "I woke up to find I'd puked down myself".

"Oh mate" I say, shaking my head.

"Yeah, and I pissed myself"

"That's really bad. Really bad" I say, thinking in that state, he's lucky to be alive and not to have choked on his own vomit.

"I know, I know" he says "I could've easily shit myself an' all."
(Thu 26th Feb 2009, 15:51, More)