» I'm going to Hell...

Hull for this very reason
Back when I was 10 and he was 7, Me and my brother Richard were sat on the back seats of my Mum's Granada at a set of traffic lights in Milton Keynes.

We hatched a cracking wheeze where we'd both pretend to be mongs and spack it up towards the car next to us. Cue much cocked hand pawing at the window, drooling and slack jawed mongishness, The woman driving the neighbouring car nudged her husband noticing the two drooling cabbages in the back of the Granada with a look of pity upon her face.

That's not the reason I'm off to Hell though. When my Mum caught sight of us she started to give us both a good hiding through the front seats much to the distress of the watching woman.

We made my Mum look like an utter monster who randomly leathered the shit out of poor defenceless retard kids.
(Wed 17th Dec 2008, 12:49, More)

» Down on the Farm

Jason & the muckspreader
My Father used to be a farmer and on his farm he had a chap called Jason. Jason was the nicest guy you could meet, public school educated, very well spoken, as big as they come and had that good natured demeanour that comes with the knowledge that he could crush your head were he so inclined. He would work the harvest and other times during slack periods at his Father's business and Jason could do pretty much any task on the farm.

We had a 200 head herd of fresian cows and cows in that number produce a phenomenal amount of shit, shit that is the best fertiliser for silage fields. One day Jason was tasked with muck spreading one of the fields about three miles away from the main farm buildings and merrily got on with his task, flinging high pressure liquid shit from his tractor pulled muck spreader until a hiccup occurred. The stream of faeces petered to a trickle, Jason pulled up and went round to the side of the machinery pulling out a broom handle wedged in the trailer for such purposes and robustly tried to dislodge the blockage.

As he thrust at the offending article he parried it aside releasing a gush of foul smelling bovine excrement from the still running machinery into his face and down his body. Poor Jason trudged the three miles back to get hosed off rather than beshit the tractor cab - I still remember the boom of his well spoken voice "Oh John, I've been a terrible twat!"
(Mon 28th May 2012, 20:59, More)

» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

The most Wildean of grown up retorts
Last year I was driving through the streets of Sheffield on a road I know well when I approached a roundabout where the road takes an interesting turn. The filter lanes of the roundabout give you two options, A: Left turn only. B: Right & straight on.

As I was going straight on I got into the right lane and proceeded just as a middle aged chap in an Audi whipped up the left hand lane and tried to poach my spot in the road. As I was in the right and not expecting this crazy manouvre I carried on forcing him to stay in his second choice lane.

When I pulled to a halt the chap drew parrallel with me bellowing "You stupid cunt! The left lane's for road ahead you fucking prick!". Which left me with only one path of reply ........ I stared straight at him, cocked both hands to clawed right angles, pushed my bottom lip out with my tongue and belmed "Mnnnurgh! JOEY!" at him.

The reaction was a suitably enraged executive and I tootled off with the satisfaction of the truly immature
(Thu 17th Sep 2009, 20:27, More)

» Hypocrisy

The Great British Public
Apologies if this has bindun but I'm not trawling through X pages of posts.

The British press and the British public are guilty of the greatest hypocrisy of all - Their attitude towards Jade Goody. If we look back a year ago when Jade was embroiled in the "Shilpa popadom" bruhaha when the public and the fourth estate were baying for her blood for alleged racism. Look back at all of the shite that she's also fed the press and they in turn have fed the peon masses - Jade sucks off some moron in BB - Jades Mum in shoplifting drama - My estranged Dad - Boyfriend beats the shit out of some poor fucker. The public, up until this point, have fucking loathed her with a venom normally only reserved for Myra Hindley.

Fast forward a year "I've got cancer" say Jade. Suddenly everyone's hailing her as a brave princess, wedding this, Jade's love that .... Even the fucking Home Office let her violent ex-con fiancee alter his HDC curfew to marry her. They'll probably shut down the M25 so they can transport her body ala Lady Di with snuffling, weeping council types lining the route.

I'm unaffected, She's still an annoying pig in a dress.
(Tue 24th Feb 2009, 11:56, More)

» Anonymous

We had a French friend who used to knock about with our wee clan many years back
Many a happy and spazzed out BBQ was had at weekends where we'd all bring meat, beer, deserts or snacks. Chaps like myself would be satisfied having many several beers but others would indulge in a phamaceutical adventure only rivalled by shamen - Alain fell in to the latter camp, however, on the night in question was abstaining due to a day out planned for the next day. That evening we'd drunk & eaten our fill and Alain was nose down in a bowl of a desert which I'd bought but mischiveously added a special ingredient. The greedy fucker troughed the lot down and a short while later was smashed out of his gourd, hugging every one there and dancing like a loon.

After he'd come down and zonked out we popped him on the sofa confident that the day out with his bird was a sure fire washout. True to our prediction he surfaced about 3pm looking like he belonged in Resident Evil, "Alright Alain?" chirped a knowing soul. "Merde!" he replied in washed out tones "Fucking MDMA or shit in that Angel Delight".

I shrugged in a faux Gallic gesture and quoth "Ah, non. E Mousse."
(Tue 19th Jan 2010, 22:15, More)