» School Days

Surely not the only one...
Mistaking "Home clothes day" for fancy dress. Cue me turning up to a playground teeming with kappa tracksuit clad five year olds: I was dressed as Robin Hood.

Tights and all.
(Fri 30th Jan 2009, 18:31, More)

» Procrastination

Maths Coursework
In order to delay having to actually do my A level maths coursework, I constructed a series of lies that eventually required far more effort to maintain than just doing the twunting thing would've.

When questioned on the first day of a new academic year why I had not handed in said coursework on the last day of the previous term, my brain ( dulled by a slovenly summer) came up with the following response:

"Oh, I posted it to you over the summer. It was recorded delivery, so if you were out when it arrived they would have taken it to the depot"

This was a less than perfect response for several reasons, the most obvious of those being that my teacher had never given me his address. Clearly he wanted to watch me squirm, as he then asked me to bring in the proof of recorded delivery bit of paper. The next day.

Right, time to construct an alibi.

1) Go to reception and request teacher's home address. Fairly easy
2) Run to post office at lunch time, obtain a blank recorded delivery form. Not too hard, since you only have to pay for them if you actually intend to send them
3) Go to Starbucks, tip extortionately for already overpriced coffee. Then ask coffee serving man (Barista? I Don't think so) if I can borrow date stamp. Fiddle with stamp to show a date sometime in the middle of previous summer.
4)Take now addressed, date stamped proof of recorded delivery back to teacher as triumphant proof that you did indeed post coursework.

To which teacher replies "Okay, print off another copy and bring it in tomorrow" Fucksocks

6) spend all night up to the eyeballs in f(x) graphs actually doing the sodding work, having wasted all day creating a pointlessly elaborate alibi

I think the moral of the story is think of better lies.

Oh, and 4 years of lurking probably counts as procrastinating too.
(Tue 18th Nov 2008, 14:16, More)

» Cringe!

Chugging
For a (very) brief while, I earned a crust as a street charity seller. You know, the people that pester you when you're walking down the street and have far better things to do. To say I was bad at the job was an understatement. It was the Friday of my first week and I had failed to sign up a single person. I found myself on a street in Sutton, hopelessly attempting to lure people away from their shopping and stop and talk to me.

Now truth be told, I had woken at a ridiculous hour to get there and my enthusiasm was somewhat flagging (getting told you're a fucking disgrace on a daily basis can do that for you!). I stopped bothering with all the 'quirky' stopping techniques my boss insisted upon such as "pay them a compliment" which translated to "only bother stopping people you'd want to shag" (in his case at least). So I was churning out the same phrase, give or take a few words like some kind of do-gooding dalek. The most original thing my sleep starved brain could come up with was:

"Hi there, could I stop you for a quick chat about..." insert horrific charity statistic here

or

"Hi there, could I stop you for a brief chat about..."

So there I was, alternating between the words quick and brief with varying success, until I stepped up to a rather attractive lady, and decided to burst into full enthusiasm mode. Sadly my brain failed to keep pace, resulting in me issuing the following phrase.

"Hi there, could I stop you for a queef...."

Yes, the words quick and brief had collided in my head to form a most lethal portmanteau. Worst of all, having requested that this stranger fanny-fart, I was so cringe ridden that I was unable to say anything else. Her look of abject disgust is etched into my mind, as she quickly stormed off, I could at least be contented by the fact that this is only the second most embarassing incident of my life!

More to follow...
(Thu 27th Nov 2008, 20:38, More)

» School Days

Sticky mess
A year 12 physics lesson and we're learning of the joys of viscosity. The experiment basically involved pouring honey over a glass plate and timing it as it spread out. In order to ensure a constant volume of honey, we chopped the bottom off film canisters and placed them on the glass plates. Simply fill the canister with honey, then remove the canister and watch as the honey slowly spreads out over several mind numbingly dull minutes.

Simple enough. However, for one individual this proved a far too complex task. Rich was, shall we say, hard to like. He was once heard to utter the phrase "Of course we're only using the jag while the Bentley's being serviced" and was basically Richie Rich without the kidapult or rollercoaster in his back garden.

Rich finds the careful spooning of honey a far too laborious task, so he instead decides to pour the honey staight from the jar. Of course he needs a good look at what he's doing and so he picks up the film canister and holds it about an inch from his face. You see, Rich had completely failed to notice that there was no base to the canister and, viscous as the honey may have been, there was absolutely nothing to stop it running all over his shirt, tie, trousers, pretty much everywhere.

I stared in disbelief at this kid intently wondering why its taking so long to fill what is effectively a tube. All the while he's adding another layer of honey glaze to his clothing. A couple of classmates start to laugh and Rich too starts to chuckle, horrendously unaware of what's going on. At this point I'm pretty much on the floor I'm laughing so hard.

I think I almost stopped breathing when he held the canister up and peered curiously at the bottom ...
(Fri 30th Jan 2009, 0:49, More)

» The Credit Crunch

New definition of cheap
I found myself trying to calculate the VAT reduction on a damaged advent calender. In Woolworths. On the 22nd of December.
(Sun 25th Jan 2009, 15:30, More)