» We have to talk

A sort of confessiony "we need to talk"...
I used the "we need to talk tactic" to get out of one of those awkward first 'longer than three months' relationships....

It took two hours to work up the nerve to phone her....thirty seconds to bring our "relationship" crashing down. A brief dialogue goes like this:

Me: We need to talk
Her: Is it bad?
Me: *after long silence* Yes

Get to meeting place (the park, it was the mid-point.....honest)She's already crying, brief hug, she drops the "I love you" bomb. What did I do? What could I do? I wandered off with a new found sense of guilt of course. This is because of the why behind the "we need to talk".

What I said was "We need to talk since I haven't seen you for more than five minutes in the last two weeks. I think we should break up"

What I meant to say was "We need to talk. I think we should break up because you introduced me to your friends and family as someone who you expect to be around for a lot longer than I intend to be around and your dad has weirdly started treating me like a son in-law. I also said I love you whilst in your bedroom because I'm a horny 17 year old who wanted sex and you've taken it way too serious. It also has a lot to do with the massive amount of pubic hair you have, I don't know how to bring this up with you without feeling completely awkward in my own skin as I'm 17 and your massive bush scares me. Also there's this girl in college who will obviously let me do stuff with her, and I don't have to say 'I love you' in her bedroom, and I think she has a shaven haven, which still scares me but I think I'll know what I'm doing with lady bits if I can actually see them. It's not me, it's definately you!"

Turns out, college girl was totally insane. I went out with her for a year and her haven was indeed shaven. I didn't need to say 'I love you' to her, I did have to say 'take your finger out of there' on one occasion and 'please stop hitting me' on many others. I had many "we have to talk" moments with her, my favourite being the revenge for my witnessing her cheating on me. I screwed her brains out, done every dirty thing I liked with her and rolled over for the post-coital catching of breath. She says "I love you" I say "we have to talk" cue a nice emotional scarring for her and some dignity for me.

A few months later I met a fantastic girl. We went on holiday to Mexico after a few years of dating and on the first night I say "we have to talk"....cue a long talk about all the good she's done for me and how I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I produce engagement ring, and she says.............

Press 'I like this' for the answer.

So I Press 'I like this' and she says "Yes"

Apologies for the mammoth length of this, I've just finished a dissertation and it looked shorter in comparison. They always look shorter in comparison....
(Thu 26th Apr 2007, 2:27, More)

» Foot in Mouth Syndrome

Not Me, But My Mum....
When going out for a loverly romantic meal with girlfriend, we decide to meet at my house prior to leaving. Her mum who was dropping us at the train station was having a brief chat with my parents when the local ice-cream van pulls into our street (hooray).

On pulling up he rings a bell to signify his glorious presence to which, girlfriend's mum says "ooh we don't get that, he usually just plays the chimes down our end" (we live at separate ends of our wee "town")

Now the best bit....
Mum says in response to girlfriend's mum "Ah you see you must live down the posh chimes end, and we live down the rough bell-end".

Mum, get your coat! She's a great lass though. She also once asked my brother and I completely out of the blue "what's felching?". Needless to say she was shocked when we told her.
(Fri 23rd Apr 2004, 1:28, More)

» Foot in Mouth Syndrome

Not one To say To Your Girlfriend's Mother...But I did!!!
When on the usual stop-off at my girlfriend's on the way home from uni I was showing off a birthday card I'd bought a friend. It was of the usual b&w photo with funny caption. Anyways onto the embarrasing bit....

I shows card to girlfriends mum as it's relatively tame, then for some reason I'll never know I, decide to describe in detail a card that says "if you try it with the left hand it feels like someone else is doing it". You can guess what it's in reference to. (Wan-king, for those of you who may never have batted your bishop)

I swear I actually heard my grave call me at the moment it occurred.
(Fri 23rd Apr 2004, 0:44, More)

» Sleepwalking

Sexsomnia
Apparently I suffer from 'sexsomnia' (look it up on Wikipedia). On more than one occasion I have initiated a bit of midnight luuuurvin'. Woke up once with the ex-Stevros on top, banging like a barn door in a twister. It would of been rude to stop, so I finish the task at hand, was greeted to a nice breakfast the next morning.

Many other occasions I have undressed m'lady during the night (she gave up fighting me off about a year ago). Unfortunately now I have been diagnosed diabetic, in my worked up state during my sleep my body temperature goes up, and my blood sugar goes down inducing what can only be described as a stiffy induced hypo. I now call Lucozade a "sex aid"

Other sleep-walking antics include waking up with my guitar wearing only my boxers on the kitchen floor. Being punched in the face by my older brother for jumping on his bed and staring at him for a creepy amount of time.

Haven't ever pissed in anything other than the toilet though, that would be odd.

*Penis gag goes here*
(Thu 30th Aug 2007, 14:16, More)