» I was drunk when I bought this

Another...this time Facking London.
Don't remember anything I bought to be perfectly honest... But was woken up by a maid day after payday in St Georges Hotel - Regent St ...Approx 36 pound coins on the floor and a kids barbie bike in the bathroom? (WTF???) The room I was in was in fact a suite with a 12 seater boardroom. I then go down to the hotel reception where all the staff just snigger at my questions of "Where the f#ck am I and did I ride into the hotel on this (holds up kids barbie bike)? Not getting many answers I then proceeded to nearest cash machine where I thought I could find out some more info on my night out... But only discoverer my available funds (After payday) were -£340.00. Meaning that I had in fact blown my entire wages along with my £1000 over-draft and another 300 notes to boot! This of course had a long-lasting, damaging effect on me and decided that life in soho was just too much so I quit my job, checked myself into my parents where I had the "fear" for a number of months.

So if anyone sold me a kids barbie bike in soho one summer evening in 2004 or know's how i managed to spend a few grand in one night, then please do let me know!!

Yours,
A Blunder!
(Thu 9th Jun 2005, 18:07, More)

» Misunderstood

A mistunderstood wank statement
I went to a festival this year and on my return checked out my bank statement to assess the damage. Now, I don't know if the mobile BANK VAN done this on purpose (and If they did - nice one!). However, my statement clearly shows that I frequented a Wank Van several times over a weekend and spent quite a bit of money. Now I scare my bank manager at the best of times, so I dread to think what he'll think next time I ask to borrow yet more money and he takes a look at my account...hmmm.
(Fri 7th Oct 2005, 17:39, More)

» Toilets

Social Crapper!
okaaay... Out in the West End at the concrete bunker that is known as The Social (A DJ pre-club bar for those who don't know). I had been given some extremely strong marching powder and I basically done way too much in one huge hit! 5-10 mins later... I start to quiver, my heart is banging out of my chest and I'm losing grip on reality big time!! But worse that that.. I just explode back door stylee and shit myself in the largest of ways!! Anyway, I leg it to the cubicle (only one cube in the social!) and have to decide whilst quivering my shitey nuts off - How to clean up and get outta this mess?

I remove my jeans followed by my stinky-soiled pants and in my higher state of paranoid fear I try to set fire to my pants to get rid of the evidence... But these soiled calvin's were not gonna burn!!! So, I left a nice present for the cleaner hidden behind the u-bend! But I also had to clean up the sticky remains on my arse and sacks. So, the only way to get totally clean without a shower is to get some water and soap from sink. So I get some toilet paper and creep out of the cubicle to the sink where I soak the tissue and apply soap. But as I do this, some geezer stumbles into the toilet! He just stares in amazement at this tragic sight - Naked, fucked-up, lost-it coke cunt standing there in t-shirt & socks, absolutley off his bleedin' tits with a shitty arse exposed. I just start to laugh and ask him to give me a minute - His face was priceless!!! Anyway, he leaves and I continue to make the journey from cubicle to sink several times whilst random punters were coming in to have a lash, But needless to say, I did eventually get cleaned up without getting caught and carried on partying!

Hmmmm....Later......Laughed, I nearly shat!

(No apologies for length...only to the cleaner who later found my shitty present!)
(Fri 2nd Sep 2005, 13:01, More)

» Crappy Prizes

Junior Spurs Raffle 1981'ish?
Well... I was a junior spurs member! Yes, a wee yid at the tender age of 7!! (And yes, this was in the glory years at the lane!!) However, being a Junior Spurs member meant absolutely fuck all! Apart from, the christmas party they had every year for all JSM's at White Hart Lane.
So, I arrive and I collect my raffle ticket on entry and just casually walk around the Bill Nicholson suite trying to locate my hero then... Glenn "Your fucking naughty spazzers" Hoddle. But unfortunately no luck... He had some eye injury, so that basically pissed all over my JSM party!! But I still had the raffle to go... So I'm sat there and on stage is Ray Clemence (oi, big nose!), Mark Falco (Who?) & Steve (Ever so nice) Perryman. So the first number (3rd prize) is called... "67" or something... and I don't react until my mate reminds me that I'm actually holding that ticket. I then get sooo excited I accidently piss a little bit and jump up and shout "House". Of course all the team and young crowd laugh at my supid bingo call!!! Anyway... I get to the stage complete with wet patch on my nylon "Spurs" trackie bottoms and Steve Perryman gives me a fucking football the size of a outspan orange - NOT EVEN FUCKING SIGNED! The largest, shittest corporate diary you've ever seen - Like, what the fuck is a 7 year old going to do with a A3 pissin' desk diary? And wait for it... A fucking spurs egg cup... I HATE FUCKIN EGGS!! So I'm well pissed at my raffle prize and then as I walk off stage Micky "The Joker" hazard starts taking the piss out of the small wet patch as I walk off the brightly lit stage!! Nice One Spurs... it still hurts to this day you overpaid bunch of tossers!
(Wed 10th Aug 2005, 15:48, More)

» I was drunk when I bought this

Facking Tenerife!!!
Whilst attending a stag do in Tenerife I managed to lose the "stag" gang...which resulted in me being stranded and absolutely smashed on lager, lager, lager!! (Must also point out here that I was also still getting over the previous nights xtc munching session....urghhh nasty!)Anyway, I ended up chatting to this rather sexy (Beer goggles as standard)lady who ushered me into a nearby hotel. Obviously I thought I was game on...but no - She gave me copious amounts of sangria and at some point I foolishly signed my life away on same naff crime share apartment - So now I have two weeks every facking year in Playa das Crapos in Decemeber...yes, December!!!! The worst part of it was that I was unaware that I had done this until I returned home and saw bank payment for the £1500 deposit which was then followed by post informing me of my luxury apartment...ahem! Anyway... I've learnt my lesson but still painfully reminded every year of my foolish drunken spend whilst sat at the pool with a bunch of whinging pensioners. Oh well, only another 2 more years to go before I can get out of the contract!! "Crimeshare Tossers!"

: (
(Thu 9th Jun 2005, 16:17, More)