» Devastating Put-Downs

My Freind
Gareth had started seeing a large lady, my other friend Jonsey asked him:
"Christ, Gareth shes fat, why are you seeing her?"
Gareth came back with the best answer ever:
"I like fat girls, because everything feels like tits."
(Fri 25th Nov 2011, 10:35, More)

» Messing with people's heads

Noise
A few years ago I lived next door to an old lady, she was nice but the inevitable happened and she popped her clogs.
So her grandson decided to move into the house. He liked Reggae music, loud Reggae music and would sit outside at the back of his garden with the house windows wide open listening to “Best reggae Hits 93” on repeat and at full volume, day after day after day. The same fucking album. After several attempts to get the twat to turn UB40 and friends down only for the volume to be insanely loud again the next day. To save my sanity I hatched a plan.
If you have ever had an older car you may have experience the sound of the windscreen wipers coming out of the stereo, this is because the wiper motor gives an interference signal that is usually blocked by a suppressor.
I had an old bench grinder, one with a massive 2000w motor. I clipped off the suppressor from the motor with some wire snips and rebuilt the grinder .
The next day the usual happened at about 2pm when he awoke and decided to put on Reggae hits, The Volume creeps up, I plug in the grider the other side of the wall to his stereo.
“Red, red wine CHSHK Go to my head CHSSScK Make me forget that KCHSSScK Still need her so KCHSSScK Red, red wine KCHSSScK it's up to you KCHSSScK.”
The volume goes down to a level that I can live with, off goes the grinder, up goes his volume on goes my grinder.
The best thing is that he thought that the Stereo had developed a fault and took it in for repairs, that took a couple of weeks, and he took it in three times.
(Mon 16th Jan 2012, 16:30, More)

» Books

Jane Eyre.
Its fucking shit, the worst piece of drivel I have ever been forced to read. I would have rather nailed my testicles to the school desk rather than read this guff in GCSE English.
The book is basically about some soppy bint that becomes a teacher in a posh blokes house.
This drippy tart falls in love with posh bloke and wants to marry him but at the wedding someone points out that he is already married and his missis is locked up in the attic.
Now this is where you would think alarm bells would start ringing and the plod would be involved, but he doesn’t he just says “Shes Mad”. And everyone seems fine about this.
Hold on, she’s Mad? She is locked in an attic, I bet she is fucking furious.
If she is indeed insane why does no one question whether she has been attended to by a mental health specialist? Has she been diagnosed with any mental health issue and should the treatment really be hiding her in the attic and occasionally throwing scraps of food at her and changing her turd bucket ? Who is the mad one here, poor bitch in the attic or this posh bloke. I wouldn't be surprised if he is probably the great great great grandfather of Josef Fritzl .
Anyway the soppy bitch Jane runs away from the wedding. Lucky escape if you ask me, before she would know it she would be tied up in the cellar and Mr posh would be playing snooker with her eyeballs.
Unfortunately there were no chapters where the posh bloke dismembers corpses, I think someone died of constipation, but there is a bit where Jane describes flicking herself off. Its not that good, but my English teacher (the one that got arrested in some toilets lezzing it up with another woman) did get quite excited about this.
And she occasionally looks at the moon, which is odd because she isn’t a werewolf or related to Patrick Moore.
She then goes and pokes a Saint before going back to find that Mr Posh house has caught fire and he is now a cripple (he has a bad hand and iffy eyesight) and she marrys the nutter.
Its shite, proper shite, a long rambling boring book that I have summed up better than the original novel. I have no idea why this book is a “Classic”
(Fri 6th Jan 2012, 11:02, More)

» Money-saving tips

Money saving
I brew my own beer, its easy, only I don`t add one bag of sugar, I add three (somtimes 2 sugars and 2 jars of honey) and top the barrel up with water to make 22 litres.
This increases the alcohol content to about 10%.
The only thing is that its too bloody strong and makes anyone drinking it go blind.
However a 2ltr bottle of pop from Lidl is 19p, so I put 40% eye murderer in and 60% lidl pop, its still strong enough to do the job and it tastes a lot better and you get to keep your eyesight. It works out at about 30p a pint.

Also I have an old Mercedes that runs on Veg oil which is £1 a litre in Tescos at the moment. I also get used veg oil free from various places and once you have sieved bits of chip out of it and bunged it in the tank it drives fine. The car is worth about £200 scrap value and no one would be crazy enough to steal it. I can also abandon it anywhere and not worry about car park dings as they wont make any difference.
Its never let me down as there are no electronics in it to go wrong, just a great big agricultural diesel engine that is good for 500,000 miles. And smells nice when going along too.
It was for sale but I have decided to keep it. www.rat-look.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=8730&p=125494#p125494
(Fri 11th Nov 2011, 10:07, More)

» Shops and Supermarkets

I work for a DIY chain
. I won’t say which one but I have to dress like an inmate from Guantanamo Bay. I have encountered most of the idiots. Sometimes I answer the phone with customers asking questions such as “How much paint do I need to paint my house?”
“I`m sorry, I have not seen your house, how big is it?”
“Average size”.
Scummers that "Forget" to pay for things in their trolley.
I sold a blind man a huge hammer drill as he wanted to remove tiles in his bathroom.
The woman who was `in a hurry` that decided to stop and complain for twenty minuets that she had to queue like everyone else.
Our trolley boy who hides near the burger van, brings one trolley back at a time and carries a bag full of hard core porn.
We found a homeless man asleep in the gulley between the shelves who told us to "Fuck off" as he was trying to get some sleep.
Constantly explaining to customers that if the paint is "Buy one get one free" you don`t get to keep the free one and get a full refund on the one you bring back, you get half of what you paid back .
Someone telling me that it was "illegal" for me not to refund an item even though he had no receipt and we didn't stock it. He was going to his solicitor, I asked him to let me know how he got on.
A fat man throwing half a door handle at me because I refused a refund because we don't sell just half a door handle.
I also had a customer try to bring back some wallpaper, that had been hung then taken down, as it was “Upside down”. They wondered why they wouldn’t get refunded.
(Thu 17th May 2012, 8:51, More)