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- a member for 10 years, 6 months and 29 days
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- has posted 5 stories and 8 replies on question of the week
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» "Well, that escalated quickly"
In a night club in little town called Leeds...
ol' young Halfaxa was dancing away to the classics with soon-to-be mrs. Halfaxa when mutual friend shows up. Pleasantries exchanged, plan to go to the bar made.
Bit of background info on mutual friend, she's been know to be dodgy, bitchy, a part-time sex worker and all round class(less) act but, has been known to be fun so we let it slide.
At the bar I'm leaning at, waiting to be served, mutual friend taps my shoulders and says "Can you git us one too?". I motion yes and make the money symbol with my hand to indicate that I'll need more than what I have on me (£10 note at the moment), a £5 note is pressed into my hand and I turn back around waiting to be served.
Moments later mutual friend pushes next to be and tries to grab all the money in my hand. I turn and ask if she decided she didn't want a drink now, to which she replied yes and I give her the £5 back.
She protests that she gave me the £10 that bad been in my hand since before she came along, I try to calmly explain that no, that was not the case. She told some sob story how that was her only money now to which I explained to her yes, she can have her £5 back, she tries grabbing my money out my hand again and then pushes my face throwing her £5 on the floor and storming off with the lad who'd be desperately trying to get attention from her all night.
For the rest of the night she screamed liar at me when ever she walked past (having gentlemen buy her drinks for the rest of the night it seems), I left early as I had better things to do with soon-to-be mrs. Halfaxa and to this day we don't talk to her.
The grand irony is that the drink she asked for cost more than £5 and I was going to pay the rest anyway. oh I'm also scottish so I know exactly how much money I have on me, the stupid cunt.
This is more a gripe than a funny story really.
(Sun 12th Jan 2014, 14:03, More)
In a night club in little town called Leeds...
ol' young Halfaxa was dancing away to the classics with soon-to-be mrs. Halfaxa when mutual friend shows up. Pleasantries exchanged, plan to go to the bar made.
Bit of background info on mutual friend, she's been know to be dodgy, bitchy, a part-time sex worker and all round class(less) act but, has been known to be fun so we let it slide.
At the bar I'm leaning at, waiting to be served, mutual friend taps my shoulders and says "Can you git us one too?". I motion yes and make the money symbol with my hand to indicate that I'll need more than what I have on me (£10 note at the moment), a £5 note is pressed into my hand and I turn back around waiting to be served.
Moments later mutual friend pushes next to be and tries to grab all the money in my hand. I turn and ask if she decided she didn't want a drink now, to which she replied yes and I give her the £5 back.
She protests that she gave me the £10 that bad been in my hand since before she came along, I try to calmly explain that no, that was not the case. She told some sob story how that was her only money now to which I explained to her yes, she can have her £5 back, she tries grabbing my money out my hand again and then pushes my face throwing her £5 on the floor and storming off with the lad who'd be desperately trying to get attention from her all night.
For the rest of the night she screamed liar at me when ever she walked past (having gentlemen buy her drinks for the rest of the night it seems), I left early as I had better things to do with soon-to-be mrs. Halfaxa and to this day we don't talk to her.
The grand irony is that the drink she asked for cost more than £5 and I was going to pay the rest anyway. oh I'm also scottish so I know exactly how much money I have on me, the stupid cunt.
This is more a gripe than a funny story really.
(Sun 12th Jan 2014, 14:03, More)
» Theft
Donkey Kong's Eyes of Shame
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Wavey lines get it?
Years ago when I was but a wee nipper waiting in the magazine section of the fine establishment that is ASDA I discovered something, a Calendar for the new year that was coming up featuring various Nintendo character's with the large neck-tie wearing ape that is Donkey Kong on the cover along with an "Official Nintendo Magazine" logo.
Now being the bright lad I was, I realised this meant the calendar was supposed to come free with this "official" magazine and indeed I did spot it in the rack sans calendar. Burning with determination to have Mario and his uncanny crew stare at me all year long, I stuffed the calendar in a near-by Playstation magazine (Blasphemy!), for I could not convince my parents to purchase an Nintendo Magazine for we had no Nintendo machine at home but, we had recently just purchased a Playstation.
The plot was a foot, swallowing my pride at the heinous act that I was about to commit I sheepishly walked towards the Parental units brandishing the Trojan Magazine that hid the true prize. Request for the Magazine was asked and accepted and onto the Asda conveyor belt it went.
Sat in the car on the way home, I thought to myself that I had become a criminal mastermind, I had conned a large shopping chain out of a free promotional item, I could be rival Indiana Jones for the cunningness of my slight of hand, maybe even be his new Shortround!
Once we got home guilt had overcome me when I pulled my sordid prize from it's trojan sheath whilst in the solitude of my bedroom, there was Donkey Kong on the cover staring intently at me, he knew I had acquired this calendar through foul play, his round beady, souless eyes piercing my soul.
As any child would do, I place the calendar in between books on my book shelve never to bee seen again, to guilty to hang it up there it stayed for years, my own personal tell-tale heart and never spoke of it again.
Eventually the Calendar disappeared naturally one day (still trying to figure that one out, I'm just glad to be rid of it!) but, the effects of this event were lasting as it has lead me to this sordid, despicable life of buying Wiis, Gameboys and controlling ever-so slightly italian stereotypes into committing mass genecodie against rather innocent bi-pedal tortoises.
Truly it was a crime worst than even Hitler himself could commit and he is reet jealous.
TL/DR: I stole a free calendar from one magazine by placing it inside another. Hardcore.
(Thu 7th Nov 2013, 13:40, More)
Donkey Kong's Eyes of Shame
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Wavey lines get it?
Years ago when I was but a wee nipper waiting in the magazine section of the fine establishment that is ASDA I discovered something, a Calendar for the new year that was coming up featuring various Nintendo character's with the large neck-tie wearing ape that is Donkey Kong on the cover along with an "Official Nintendo Magazine" logo.
Now being the bright lad I was, I realised this meant the calendar was supposed to come free with this "official" magazine and indeed I did spot it in the rack sans calendar. Burning with determination to have Mario and his uncanny crew stare at me all year long, I stuffed the calendar in a near-by Playstation magazine (Blasphemy!), for I could not convince my parents to purchase an Nintendo Magazine for we had no Nintendo machine at home but, we had recently just purchased a Playstation.
The plot was a foot, swallowing my pride at the heinous act that I was about to commit I sheepishly walked towards the Parental units brandishing the Trojan Magazine that hid the true prize. Request for the Magazine was asked and accepted and onto the Asda conveyor belt it went.
Sat in the car on the way home, I thought to myself that I had become a criminal mastermind, I had conned a large shopping chain out of a free promotional item, I could be rival Indiana Jones for the cunningness of my slight of hand, maybe even be his new Shortround!
Once we got home guilt had overcome me when I pulled my sordid prize from it's trojan sheath whilst in the solitude of my bedroom, there was Donkey Kong on the cover staring intently at me, he knew I had acquired this calendar through foul play, his round beady, souless eyes piercing my soul.
As any child would do, I place the calendar in between books on my book shelve never to bee seen again, to guilty to hang it up there it stayed for years, my own personal tell-tale heart and never spoke of it again.
Eventually the Calendar disappeared naturally one day (still trying to figure that one out, I'm just glad to be rid of it!) but, the effects of this event were lasting as it has lead me to this sordid, despicable life of buying Wiis, Gameboys and controlling ever-so slightly italian stereotypes into committing mass genecodie against rather innocent bi-pedal tortoises.
Truly it was a crime worst than even Hitler himself could commit and he is reet jealous.
TL/DR: I stole a free calendar from one magazine by placing it inside another. Hardcore.
(Thu 7th Nov 2013, 13:40, More)
» Bizarre leaps of logic
Leaving Early
I've been known to be employed and this tale takes place in one such place of employment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I called up in the morning to say I had been throwing up early in the morning but, as I was feeling better I would only be about 30 minutes late.
When I walk through the door co-worker #1 tells me co-worker #2 (who isn't scheduled to work that day) would be coming in at 4pm to process some stock and I could leave early if I wanted to. I said I'll considering it but, that I really was feeling better.
Through out the day I spotted co-worker #2 had been coming in and disappearing on their day off anyway. Weird, I thought but, whatever do what you want with your day off.
4pm arrives and co-worker #2 comes in and starts processing this stock and I'm asked again if I want to leave and again I politely decline, go back to work. 50 minutes later co-worker #2 storms up to me shouting that the only reason they were here was so that "you could go early and that I didn't like wasting a day off like this!" (despite repeatedly coming in anyways) and generally acting as though I had turned down a gift from God/Jupiter/Osiris/Eddie Murphy.
Dumb-founded I stared at them blankly and said plainly "Go home then?"
Apparently this plan was devised between Co-workers #1 and #2 with the slight error of not telling me about it and expecting me to be psychic.
Sorry if this story is a bit crap.
(Sun 15th Dec 2013, 13:20, More)
Leaving Early
I've been known to be employed and this tale takes place in one such place of employment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I called up in the morning to say I had been throwing up early in the morning but, as I was feeling better I would only be about 30 minutes late.
When I walk through the door co-worker #1 tells me co-worker #2 (who isn't scheduled to work that day) would be coming in at 4pm to process some stock and I could leave early if I wanted to. I said I'll considering it but, that I really was feeling better.
Through out the day I spotted co-worker #2 had been coming in and disappearing on their day off anyway. Weird, I thought but, whatever do what you want with your day off.
4pm arrives and co-worker #2 comes in and starts processing this stock and I'm asked again if I want to leave and again I politely decline, go back to work. 50 minutes later co-worker #2 storms up to me shouting that the only reason they were here was so that "you could go early and that I didn't like wasting a day off like this!" (despite repeatedly coming in anyways) and generally acting as though I had turned down a gift from God/Jupiter/Osiris/Eddie Murphy.
Dumb-founded I stared at them blankly and said plainly "Go home then?"
Apparently this plan was devised between Co-workers #1 and #2 with the slight error of not telling me about it and expecting me to be psychic.
Sorry if this story is a bit crap.
(Sun 15th Dec 2013, 13:20, More)
» Christmas Tales
This Christmas
...my lovely, dearest girlfriend got me a little hand written tag with our future address written in Chinese on it so that when we move over there next month, should little Halfaxa get lost all he has to do wave said tag in front of a taxi drivers face and hopefully be taken home and not wake up in a bath tub full of ice with various organs missing or sold into male prostitution.
No Christmas next year though.
(Sun 29th Dec 2013, 13:46, More)
This Christmas
...my lovely, dearest girlfriend got me a little hand written tag with our future address written in Chinese on it so that when we move over there next month, should little Halfaxa get lost all he has to do wave said tag in front of a taxi drivers face and hopefully be taken home and not wake up in a bath tub full of ice with various organs missing or sold into male prostitution.
No Christmas next year though.
(Sun 29th Dec 2013, 13:46, More)
» Celebrity Encounters III
An Opportunity missed
This tale take place entirely in the past...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our tale of Celebrity Encounterdom takes place on a autumn day some two years ago just past the chain store 'Cafe Nero' situated at the base of the ascent to Manchester's Picadilly Train station.
Walking towards work from previously stated station of trains, I percieved with my two eyes a set of girls giggling and turning their heads towards a gentleman in a black coat pulling along a bi-wheeled suitcase. Curiousity burned inside me like a vindaloo curry in my girlfriend, I peered towards the gentleman of intrest and core-blimey! It was Mister James Carr, professionally known as 'Comedian' Jimmy Carr, star stuck by the fourth wall being broken by this television based personality existing in the same reality as myself, he walked right past me as I caught the look of fear in his eyes at the admittandly scabby girls pointing at him, aswell as the prospect of most likely having to take a train like a normal human-plebian.
It was not until he had completely walked by that I remembered...
I fucking hate Jimmy Carr, I find his jokes abusive, unimaginative and his face overall unpleasant and that was my only chance to ever tell him this personally (as I would not be found at any of his 'performances'). This regret will follow me till his grave, after that no shits will be given as the young folk say.
TL/DR: (Now edited for the reading pleasure of eViLegion) I walked past Jimmy Carr near Manchester Station and was so starstuck cause "ee's off da telly", I forgot to tell him how shit I thought he was. Being totally Spineless I decided not to chase him down, grab him by the collar and shout my opinion in his face like any decent person would. Que Sera Sera!
Also fellow b3tian Radagast whilst was not 'touched up' by the Saville creature he did recieve a pat on the head from it, if you ask nicely he might show you the photographic evidence.
(Thu 5th Dec 2013, 14:02, More)
An Opportunity missed
This tale take place entirely in the past...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our tale of Celebrity Encounterdom takes place on a autumn day some two years ago just past the chain store 'Cafe Nero' situated at the base of the ascent to Manchester's Picadilly Train station.
Walking towards work from previously stated station of trains, I percieved with my two eyes a set of girls giggling and turning their heads towards a gentleman in a black coat pulling along a bi-wheeled suitcase. Curiousity burned inside me like a vindaloo curry in my girlfriend, I peered towards the gentleman of intrest and core-blimey! It was Mister James Carr, professionally known as 'Comedian' Jimmy Carr, star stuck by the fourth wall being broken by this television based personality existing in the same reality as myself, he walked right past me as I caught the look of fear in his eyes at the admittandly scabby girls pointing at him, aswell as the prospect of most likely having to take a train like a normal human-plebian.
It was not until he had completely walked by that I remembered...
I fucking hate Jimmy Carr, I find his jokes abusive, unimaginative and his face overall unpleasant and that was my only chance to ever tell him this personally (as I would not be found at any of his 'performances'). This regret will follow me till his grave, after that no shits will be given as the young folk say.
TL/DR: (Now edited for the reading pleasure of eViLegion) I walked past Jimmy Carr near Manchester Station and was so starstuck cause "ee's off da telly", I forgot to tell him how shit I thought he was. Being totally Spineless I decided not to chase him down, grab him by the collar and shout my opinion in his face like any decent person would. Que Sera Sera!
Also fellow b3tian Radagast whilst was not 'touched up' by the Saville creature he did recieve a pat on the head from it, if you ask nicely he might show you the photographic evidence.
(Thu 5th Dec 2013, 14:02, More)