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ally's site (featuring music and cartoons)
yay
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- a member for 21 years, 2 months and 11 days
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ally's site (featuring music and cartoons)
yay
Recent front page messages:
none
Best answers to questions:
» Stuff You've Overheard
a couple of phone mishaps
not exactly a mishearing, but wrongly-sent text
messages are so much fun!
1. I once got a text from my friend, intended
for his girlfriend. It said "hey sexy, how's
the shopping going?". It's great having a name
beginning with A, people accidentally phone you
and text you all the time.
2. The other week I got a wrong-number text
message which said:
"If you don't go out with me tonight, Roger's
going to get it. You and me, Queens Park,
tonight, xxx"
I replied saying "I think you got the wrong
number", and got a further message which said:
"Fine, be that way"
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 9:42, More)
a couple of phone mishaps
not exactly a mishearing, but wrongly-sent text
messages are so much fun!
1. I once got a text from my friend, intended
for his girlfriend. It said "hey sexy, how's
the shopping going?". It's great having a name
beginning with A, people accidentally phone you
and text you all the time.
2. The other week I got a wrong-number text
message which said:
"If you don't go out with me tonight, Roger's
going to get it. You and me, Queens Park,
tonight, xxx"
I replied saying "I think you got the wrong
number", and got a further message which said:
"Fine, be that way"
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 9:42, More)
» Stuff You've Overheard
celebrity overhearing
I was once at a star-studded charity event,
and from my table, I overheard Jeremy Clarkson
talking to Paul McKenna. All I heard was
Jeremy saying:
"and it was undoubtedly THE WORST blowjob
I have EVER had".
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 9:36, More)
celebrity overhearing
I was once at a star-studded charity event,
and from my table, I overheard Jeremy Clarkson
talking to Paul McKenna. All I heard was
Jeremy saying:
"and it was undoubtedly THE WORST blowjob
I have EVER had".
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 9:36, More)
» World's Sickest Joke
very long joke (no apologies, because I'm a bastard)
One day, little Timmy is walking home from school on Friday afternoon when he sees a poster which says "Circus in town on Saturday - 20p admission". Timmy rushes home, opens his piggy bank and finds that he has exactly 20p. He sleeps with the coin held tight in his hand all night, and wakes up the next morning, ready to go to the circus.
He gets to the circus and waits in the queue. When he gets to the front, he hands over his 20p and gets in. First, he goes to see the trapeze artists, twirling gracefully through the air. Then he sees the lion tamer, holding back the lion with a whip and an upturned chair. Then, finally, he gets to the big top. 2 clowns come onto the stage in a tiny car. They do the wallpaper sketch, and throw water over each other, then they say "we need someone from the audience to tell a joke". Timmy's hand shoots up in the air, and he screams "ME ME ME!!!". The clowns pick him out of the audience.
The first clown says "what's your name little boy?". Timmy replies "my name's Timmy". The clown says "ok Timmy, we're going to make a horse, what part of the horse do you think you'll be?"
"Will I be the head?"
"No"
"Will I be the tail?"
"No"
"Will I be the fetlocks?"
"No.... you'll be the arse!"
The whole crowd erupts with laughter, and Timmy rushes out of the circus in tears. He decides then that he will get those clowns back for what they did.
During the year, Timmy gets a job to save up some money. Then he sets aside 20p for the circus, and uses the rest of the money he earns to take night classes to teach him the art of witty come-backs. The next year rolls around, and Timmy once again sees the circus poster. He gets the 20p he had saved for the circus, and holds it tight in his hand all night, ready to go to the circus the next morning.
The morning finally arrives, and he gets to the circus and waits in the queue. When he gets to the front, he hands over his 20p and gets in. First, he goes to see the trapeze artists, twirling gracefully through the air. Then he sees the lion tamer, holding back the lion with a whip and an upturned chair. Then, finally, he gets to the big top. 2 clowns come onto the stage in a tiny car. They do the wallpaper sketch, and throw water over each other, then they say "we need someone from the audience to tell a joke". Timmy knows that the clowns won't recognise him, since they've been travelling around the country all year, so he puts his hand up. Once again, the clowns pick him out of the audience.
The first clown says "what's your name little boy?". Timmy replies "my name's Timmy", this time with much less boyish enthusiasm, as if he's going through the motions. The clown says "ok Timmy, we're going to make a horse, what part of the horse do you think you'll be?"
"Will I be the head?"
"No"
"Will I be the tail?"
"No"
"Will I be the fetlocks?"
"No.... you'll be the arse!"
The whole crowd erupts with laughter.
At that point, Timmy stands square up to the clowns. He looks them in the eye, and with a steely determination, replies...
FUCK OFF YOU RED-NOSED CUNTS
(Fri 10th Sep 2004, 14:43, More)
very long joke (no apologies, because I'm a bastard)
One day, little Timmy is walking home from school on Friday afternoon when he sees a poster which says "Circus in town on Saturday - 20p admission". Timmy rushes home, opens his piggy bank and finds that he has exactly 20p. He sleeps with the coin held tight in his hand all night, and wakes up the next morning, ready to go to the circus.
He gets to the circus and waits in the queue. When he gets to the front, he hands over his 20p and gets in. First, he goes to see the trapeze artists, twirling gracefully through the air. Then he sees the lion tamer, holding back the lion with a whip and an upturned chair. Then, finally, he gets to the big top. 2 clowns come onto the stage in a tiny car. They do the wallpaper sketch, and throw water over each other, then they say "we need someone from the audience to tell a joke". Timmy's hand shoots up in the air, and he screams "ME ME ME!!!". The clowns pick him out of the audience.
The first clown says "what's your name little boy?". Timmy replies "my name's Timmy". The clown says "ok Timmy, we're going to make a horse, what part of the horse do you think you'll be?"
"Will I be the head?"
"No"
"Will I be the tail?"
"No"
"Will I be the fetlocks?"
"No.... you'll be the arse!"
The whole crowd erupts with laughter, and Timmy rushes out of the circus in tears. He decides then that he will get those clowns back for what they did.
During the year, Timmy gets a job to save up some money. Then he sets aside 20p for the circus, and uses the rest of the money he earns to take night classes to teach him the art of witty come-backs. The next year rolls around, and Timmy once again sees the circus poster. He gets the 20p he had saved for the circus, and holds it tight in his hand all night, ready to go to the circus the next morning.
The morning finally arrives, and he gets to the circus and waits in the queue. When he gets to the front, he hands over his 20p and gets in. First, he goes to see the trapeze artists, twirling gracefully through the air. Then he sees the lion tamer, holding back the lion with a whip and an upturned chair. Then, finally, he gets to the big top. 2 clowns come onto the stage in a tiny car. They do the wallpaper sketch, and throw water over each other, then they say "we need someone from the audience to tell a joke". Timmy knows that the clowns won't recognise him, since they've been travelling around the country all year, so he puts his hand up. Once again, the clowns pick him out of the audience.
The first clown says "what's your name little boy?". Timmy replies "my name's Timmy", this time with much less boyish enthusiasm, as if he's going through the motions. The clown says "ok Timmy, we're going to make a horse, what part of the horse do you think you'll be?"
"Will I be the head?"
"No"
"Will I be the tail?"
"No"
"Will I be the fetlocks?"
"No.... you'll be the arse!"
The whole crowd erupts with laughter.
At that point, Timmy stands square up to the clowns. He looks them in the eye, and with a steely determination, replies...
FUCK OFF YOU RED-NOSED CUNTS
(Fri 10th Sep 2004, 14:43, More)
» Best Comebacks
not me, but a friend
once, in a maths lesson, my friend discovered his ruler had been nicked by someone sitting the other side of the room. during a very quiet moment, he stood up and shouted...
"GIVE IT BACK OR I'LL CRAP IN YOUR BED!"
(Thu 29th Apr 2004, 15:02, More)
not me, but a friend
once, in a maths lesson, my friend discovered his ruler had been nicked by someone sitting the other side of the room. during a very quiet moment, he stood up and shouted...
"GIVE IT BACK OR I'LL CRAP IN YOUR BED!"
(Thu 29th Apr 2004, 15:02, More)
» Embarrassing Injuries
my 3 weeks of hell
a little background information - I have muscular dystrophy, and therefore use a wheelchair. since I was about 3, I had been going to Riding for the Disabled Association (RDA), riding bastard horses.
WEEK ONE
it was a lovely saturday morning, I was 11, and I had to go and ride a bastard horse. at the very beginning of the lesson, another horse bit the horse I was on, right on the arse. naturally, my horse wasn't very happy about this, and bucked 3 times. on the 3rd time, I fell, breaking both my legs. right at the neck of the femur (the strongest bloody bone in the body and I break both of mine at once). it was too far up to plaster, so the doctors just pinned them and sent me on my way. since I was already in a wheelchair, no one noticed the difference when I was back at school
WEEK TWO
I was outside, in the back garden. just under my brother's window. I was talking to a friend, but apparently we were being too loud, so my brother decided to throw something out of the window to make us quieter. I saw a blue flash before I had the intense urge to put my hand over my left eye. I had been cut JUST below my eye, by the sharp edge of a Windowlene sachet.
WEEK THREE
in my brother's attempt to make up for the previous week, when I said I wanted to go outside, he volunteered to help me. my wheelchair at the time was a manual thing, with detatchable handles for portability. he slotted the handles in, tipped the chair up to get it over the lip of the door, and was promptly left standing in the door frame with two wheelchair handles in his hand while I was lying on the floor with 2 broken legs, a black eye, and a lump emerging on the back of my head where I had smacked into the threshold.
(Tue 7th Sep 2004, 12:52, More)
my 3 weeks of hell
a little background information - I have muscular dystrophy, and therefore use a wheelchair. since I was about 3, I had been going to Riding for the Disabled Association (RDA), riding bastard horses.
WEEK ONE
it was a lovely saturday morning, I was 11, and I had to go and ride a bastard horse. at the very beginning of the lesson, another horse bit the horse I was on, right on the arse. naturally, my horse wasn't very happy about this, and bucked 3 times. on the 3rd time, I fell, breaking both my legs. right at the neck of the femur (the strongest bloody bone in the body and I break both of mine at once). it was too far up to plaster, so the doctors just pinned them and sent me on my way. since I was already in a wheelchair, no one noticed the difference when I was back at school
WEEK TWO
I was outside, in the back garden. just under my brother's window. I was talking to a friend, but apparently we were being too loud, so my brother decided to throw something out of the window to make us quieter. I saw a blue flash before I had the intense urge to put my hand over my left eye. I had been cut JUST below my eye, by the sharp edge of a Windowlene sachet.
WEEK THREE
in my brother's attempt to make up for the previous week, when I said I wanted to go outside, he volunteered to help me. my wheelchair at the time was a manual thing, with detatchable handles for portability. he slotted the handles in, tipped the chair up to get it over the lip of the door, and was promptly left standing in the door frame with two wheelchair handles in his hand while I was lying on the floor with 2 broken legs, a black eye, and a lump emerging on the back of my head where I had smacked into the threshold.
(Tue 7th Sep 2004, 12:52, More)