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NEWSLETTER: "CAN BRITAIN PLEASE COLLAPSE SO WE CAN GET ON WITH THE NEXT BIT?"

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"Can Britain please collapse so we can get on with the next bit?"
This Week:
* A DAD - Talks about dating (involves poo)
* KUNT (& THE GANG) - Writes his autobiography 
* NEWSLETTER - On time like a stopped clock 

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   for a rainy day"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   

B3ta email 702 - 17 Nov 2018

Taste this issue with your eye-tongues: 
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue702

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: HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

  We've decided to support Christmas starting at
  the beginning of November, it's not like
  November is any good is it?

  Anyway, on with the bollocks. 

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: ALPHABETICAL BREXIT
  Draft agreement sorted into order, at last 

  Henry writes, "I took the Brexit Draft
  Withdrawal Agreement, extracted the words, and
  then put them into alphabetical order. It
  probably makes just as much as sense and is in
  as much of the national interest as the real
  one – and by the time the newsletter goes out,
  they'll probably both be just as valid."
https://twitter.com/thelemonpress/status/1062803218718171136

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If Hollywood Rebooted Films With Woman In The
Title With A Male Cast

Cat Man
The Scent Of A Man
Pretty Man
The French Lieutenant's Man
When a Man Loves a Man

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: DAD USES DATING APPS BLOG
  Sexy time for all concerned

  Bumbling Dad writes, "Hi B3ta.  Long time
  subscriber and newsletter sponsor. I write
  sporadically and anonymously, this midlife
  dating blog."

  Ha - we've checked it out and it IS quite
  funny, we particularly enjoyed this story about
  having to cut up the poo of a potential shag.
  https://www.bumblingdad.co.uk/2018/06/wordsdont
  -come-easy-to-me-but-numbers-do.html

  Bumbling Dad is also hopeful you might vote for
  his blog in the blog awards.
https://blogawardsuk.co.uk/vote-entry-categories/

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People who buy the 6 pint bottles of milk are
Tories.

6 pints = big fridge = big house = Tory.

Fact.

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: JOHN LEWIS AD REDUBBED
  You asked for it, you got it

  Another year, another shitty John Lewis ad to
  make you feel sentimental and buy a load of
  overpriced tosh for the loved ones at Xmas and
  Chairman L'Mao writes, "I redubbed the John
  Lewis Ad. Hope you like it."
https://www.b3ta.com/links/I_redubbed_the_John_Lewis_Ad

  BTW: Our favourite yearly John Lewis tradition
  is the bloke with the same name on Twitter who
  gamely puts up with all the complaints about
  broken toasters. Why the hell the department
  store hasn't just bought him off we don't know.
https://twitter.com/johnlewis

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A phone is a £600 torch that also sends tweets.

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: SUPPORT CHARITY MAN
  Asthmatic sponsored run

  Invisible Wizard writes "I'm running 2018km and
  I'm raising money for charriddee!  I've managed
  1900km so far - about a marathon each week,
  give or take a few Parkrun 5km events. It's all
  about Asthma UK, cause I'm asthmatic, and it
  nearly killed me, twice - but it does kill lots
  of other people every year."
https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/2018km-challenge


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: I AM THE EGGPOD vs BEARDYMAN
  Paul McCartney - McCartney II

  B3ta's favourite podcast (well, your editor was
  on episode 1) this week features Beardyman
  talking about the 1980 LP McCartney II.
https://audioboom.com/posts/7076232-i-am-the-eggpod-episode-10

  BTW: We wonder if Beardyman remembers visiting
  B3ta HQ in about 2005 and recording a terrible
  terrible song with us that remains unreleased
  but is still sitting on our hard drive? This is
  not a blackmail threat.

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Did you know that John Lennon had a cat called
Jesus? Named around the time of the "Beatles
bigger than Jesus" controversy. Presumably so he
could joke, "I was just saying we were bigger
than my cat."

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: KUNT AND THE GANG BOOK
  Give the old twat some cash you cunts

  We love Kunt and all of his gang. We first
  featured him in ooh about 2007 or something
  with his brilliant "Use My Arsehole As A Cunt"
  track and was saddened when he gave up his
  musical career last year to take up painting
  and decorating.

  However the lure of media celebrity has drawn
  him back into the fray once more, this time to
  write his autobiography.

  You can Kickstarter it here and Kunt as says,
  "Oh look. I've written a book. It took fucking
  ages. It's got 358 pages."
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/kuntandthegang/i-kunt-the-autobiography-of-kunt-and-the-gang 

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THE CORRECT ORDER TO WATCH "THE STAR WARS" SERIES:
1. Star Wars (then stop)

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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Ronseal

  Here's the best images from last week:

  * MAGAZINE JOKE -  from Monkeon.
http://b3ta.com/board/11270357

  * CAR JOKE - from LS18.
http://b3ta.com/board/11270467

  * BANKSY JOKE -  from DerpyDad.
http://b3ta.com/board/11270275

  * See all the other images from the 'Ronseal2'
  challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/ronseal2


  >> This week: Replace an instrument <<
  Grab a picture of a musician, remove their
  musical instrument and replace it with anything
  that tickles you.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/replaceinstruments

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that was made by our enemies
  
  * SEX CRIMINAL DELETION ROW - Kate Bush has
  removed Rolf Harris from the reissue of some
  old LP and we've enjoyed reading the fans
  losing their shit in this comments thread as
  reading other people's rows what passes as
  entertainment these days. BTW: If anyone wants
  to put Rolf back, maybe a mash-up of Two Little
   Boys and Man With A Child In His Eyes?
http://www.superdeluxeedition.com/news/kate-bush-removes-rolf-harris-from-the-2018-remaster-of-her-album-aerial/ 

  * SLAYER MIXED WITH BENNY HILL MUSIC - all
  kinds of wrong, Benny Hill is wrong, Slayer's
  lyrics are monumentally wrong, but together
  it's somehow joyous.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMujPu-beoQ

  * ODD BEATLES SLAVERY CONNECTION - The legacy
  of slavery pops up in British culture in
  unexpected ways. Penny Lane by the Beatles,
  named after Penny Lane in Liverpool, which was
  named after slave owner James Penny who gave
  evidence to Parliament in defence of slavery.
  Who knew?
http://www.bbc.co.uk/liverpool/content/articles/2007/02/15/abolition_penny_lane_feature.shtml 

  * TYPEWRITER TYPE-INS - enjoyed these
  instructions on how to 'type in' photos of
  celebrities like Kojak on your typewriter.  
https://twitter.com/PulpLibrarian/status/1060620985148301314

  * WHEN AI GOES WRONG - this collection of
  anecdotes about AI getting stuff wrong is
  hilarious. E.g. "In an artificial life
  simulation where survival required energy but
  giving birth had no energy cost, one species
  evolved a sedentary lifestyle that consisted
  mostly of mating in order to produce new
  children which could be eaten (or used as mates
  to produce more edible children)." 
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/u/1/d/e/2PACX-1vRPiprOaC3HsCf5Tuum8bRfzYUiKLRqJmbOoC-32JorNdfyTiRRsR7Ea5eWtvsWzuxo8bjOxCG84dAg/pubhtml


  * FREELANCER WOE - as set to gifs from Star
  Wars. (Sent in by brent. Thanks Brent. Branks
  etc.)
https://twitter.com/FreelanceWars

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: LAST WEEK MATT ROUND WAS LOOKING FOR CRISPS
  Now he wants people to make models

  If you:
  * Have several small cute animals 
  * Like making crude models of things out of
  cardboard
  * Want to help make some daft videos then he
  may have a project for you (some pay involved &
  there’s a clear brief)
https://twitter.com/mattround/status/1062419721331634182

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: OH FUCK OFF IT'S GOASTE CORNER
  Sorry sorry sorry

  CapnLee has written to us to tell us about this
  "nerdiest goatse" and we're now making you
  suffer our pain:
https://wargamesbuildings.co.uk/epages/950003459.sf/en_GB/?ObjectPath=/Shops/950003459/Products/AndSh

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories
  
  * YORECOMPUTER BLOG - Thanks to Terence Eden
  whose written a tribute to our old computer mag
  bot. https://shkspr.mobi/blog/2018/11/yorecomputer-examining-1980s-popular-computer-culture/ 
  
  * PAC SNAKE - Barbarossa writes, "A few weeks
  ago you asked for mashups of classic computer
  games, an example given was a cross between
  pacman and snake. Well, I've done one in
  Scratch." Flash only - so no phones sadly.
https://phosphorus.github.io/app.html?id=259027786&turbo=false&full-screen=true


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Make some bollocks and tell us. Free ideas:

  * FUCK THE SUN - A bot that replies to every
  request from @SunPictureDesk asking to use
  pictures with a message pointing out A. you can
  say no and B. the going rates for selling
  pictures / video to news orgs.

  * HELIUM BUBBLE-WRAP - lighter than air
  packaging should lower the postage costs.
  (suggestion from Baz Mclean)

  * RETRO METRO - we bet if the Metro had a pull
  out where the reprinted a few pages from a 100
  year old newspaper every day it would be
  incredibly popular.

  Make sure you tell us about this stuff you make:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

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: PATREON THANKS
  You lovely people

  *STOOBERT*, *JOSH MCMILLAN*, *TOM JENKINS
  BATES*, *JON GRANT*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*,
  *KATE*, *JAMES PETTS*, *STEWART NOLAN*, *MARK
  MCCREADIE*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*

  GEORGE STEPHENSON, NAT KING COLESLAW, ANDREW
  WREN, JAMES CRONIN, ALISTAIR, IAN SHEEN, MARK
  ADAMSON, ANDREW FLEMMING, ALAN CHARLTON,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, JAIMIE VANDENBERGH,
  CHRIS BLAKENEY, BEVAN JOHNSON, CRISS MORENO, JO
  APPS, CHRIS LOCKE, ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, GREG
  MCGOWAN, RICHARD BARCLAY, PATRICK CATES, 24-7
  DEATH, TOM WRIGHT, JON BINSTEAD, SIMON
  NICHOLLS, CHRIS CARLINE, BRIAN EELES, MICHAEL
  TRINDER, 5 + REWARD DESCRIPTION, EUGENIE VT,
  TOM DOLAN.

  lee burnett, Bloonface , Shane McHugh, Joe
  Banner, Chris Garratt, Jim Woodward, Rebecca
  McManus, Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Martin Davies,
  George Preston, Chris Saunders, Mike Middleton,
  Richard Matthias, AuntieSash Hazlewood, Brad
  Gregory, Graham Licence, Paul Rose (Mr Biffo),
  Ed Can Do, C Bond, Fergus McKay, Steve herman,
  Alex Walsh Atkins, Mick Curtis, Craig Turner,
  Joshua Thomasson, Dog Byte, Fearghas , Chris
  Gough, fourstar , Jonty Wareing, Nathaniel
  Bandersnatch, Montocat , Rob Affleck, Rhys
  Wynne, Marina de Joslin, Jasper Koning, Ryan
  Rhodes, Chris Whitworth, James Macinnes, Geoff
  Tidey, John Higgs, Daniel Chote, Geoffrey
  Balme, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Mark Wilson, Paul
  Cherry, Nick Ross, Ian Beveridge, Alex Mastin,
  Raul Arreola, Faith H. Martin, David King,
  Jaymie Thomas, Sam Russell, David Knoll, Ben
  Watson, Simon Holmes, Steve P, Gaynor Clarkson,
  Saleem Ahmad, nicholas martin, Jim MacArthur,
  John Hammersley, Andy Yates`, Andy Webber,
  David Gardiner, Adam Molloy, Simon McDougall,
  Craig Tonks, Anna , Peter Gosling, Jason
  Stewart, Dave Nattriss, Philip Kinchington, Ian
  Boltz, Matt Drewry, Derek ROBERTS, Robbie
  Lesiuk, Bertram Wooster, Adam Inglis, James
  Clayton, Jim Frayling,  Mike Middleton, Scott
  S. Kramer, Joe Simmonds, Julie Brumlik, Rob
  Mahon, Paul Leader, Ivan Kelly, J&#464;m
  McN&#464;ven, Paul Healey, Andy Ashton, Tom
  Rees-Williams, David Mills, Martin Beer,
  midnightrambler , matsimpsk , Jim Halfpenny,
  Dave Tickle, Matthew Forman, Gareth Noyce,
  Chris Paterson, James Woods, pookong , oliver
  bewes, Iain , Adam Cooney, Sam Anderson, Albion
  Gray, Rupert Hull, Simon waterfall, Paul
  Westerman, Courtenay Ferris, Andy Tillett, Essy
  Dave, Martin Peache, Jerry Quartley, Bertil
  Hansson, Carl Morgan, Mark Hibbett, Daniel
  Brown, Rich Pope, John Matthews, JOHNNY
  WATTERS, Jamie Taylor, Adrian Woodfield, Stuart
  Ashen, Vicki Jakes, Jane Baker, Paul Smith,
  Will Goulden, Simon Cowan, Robin Whitmore,
  Steven Smith, Matthew Wilkes, Dan Stott,
  Siobhan McNally, Bill Atkinson, Starlord
  Mixtape, Gneissrocks , Steve Prowse, Tyronne
  Mann, Andy Storrar, Jay Roche, Peter Willman,
  Sarah Williamson, Kevin Johnston, Tom Gleeson,
  Ed Cook, Catroaster , Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
  mil jamieson, Tom Crick, Ben Burton, Peter
  Ashtray, Adam Atack, AC , Derek Law, David
  Catley, John Foster, Matt Buchanan, Matthew
  Collinge, Joey moore, Mark Hill, Joe McNally,
  Tom Ryan, Peter McMinn, Ryan Doran, Konrad
  Petrusewicz, Wil Hadden, James Donnelly, Frank
  Hollis, sean casely, Al Davidson, martin
  mackenzie, Gus Nicol, Martin Holloway, Mike
  Davis, Steve Thornton, Tim Mouncer, peter
  wouda, Fraser Lewry, Matthew Morris, Rob
  Vincent, Chris Shaw, Rick Lindley, Greg
  Neilson, blossomshed , Jude Evans, Kev Adams,
  Simon Smith, @mattdawhit , Brian Lancaster,
  Iain Henshaw, Mathew Smith, Gia Milinovich,
  Fiona James, Robert Hills, Anne-Marie Scott,
  James Kerry-Barnard, Greenfox , Neil de
  Carteret, Stephen Waller, Luke Mepham, Stuart
  Alldred, Adam Lloyd, Andrew Scheuber, Chris
  Branch, Jonathan Wooddin, OBiW4N SHiNOBi,
  Dominic Haigh, TownsendsPublisher , Steve
  Anglesey, Iain Brassington, Heidi Colthup, Ross
  Carter, Chris Evans, Edward Almond, James
  Golbey, Johnnie Shannon, Alex Lovett, Peter
  Coombe, David Ault, Kate Devlin, James
  Shakespeare, Tim Weaver, Lisa Westhaven, James
  O'Malley, Emma Lay, RossOverThere , Tim Jokl,
  Catherine McAllister, Steve Laker, Damien
  Smith, Jim Dabell, John Faragher, Eric von
  Borstel, Malcolm Franks, Richard Beckett, ,
  William Garratt, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, Iain
  Moffatt, Justin Brett, Louise Allen, David
  Green, Riven A Buckley, Robin , Luche , Ian
  Appleby, Pete , Tobie Fysh, Gavin Tommey,
  Stuart Richards, David Barton, Jess Baker, Tom
  Freke, Jan Spielhoff, Sean Flanagan, Mike
  Congreve, Chris Johnson, John Field, Emma
  Sykes, Carl Mesner Lyons, Ross Dobson, David
  Stark, Adam Beardwood, Danny Kodicek, Dominic
  Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson, Chris Goode, Andrew
  Robinson, Nicky Hewgill, Michael Kitt, Tim
  Beachy, Rose Johnson, Paul Topping, Connor
  Parslow, Daniel Moeller, Irene Semanchuk,
  Alexandre Strube, Craig Naples, Richard Speed,
  Alastair Dodd, Rhys Jones, Joseph Mulvaney,
  Julie Beacock, Sentient Meatbag, Dan Tasse,
  peter royal, Harry Wearne, Duncan STrickland,
  Andy Candler, Peter Cooper, Deny Coughlan, Russ
  Anderson, Nick Kent, Jonathan , Phil H, Andrew
  Anderson, Ian Silvester, Ben Webb, Graham
  Freeman, Dave Gee, Wine School of Philadelphia,
  John Griffiths, Nick Murdoch, Rob Potter, James
  Meers, 5telios , Paul Mancini, Al Napp, Tanya
  Kant, Jon Ramster, David Whittam, Jace Otting,
  BSG , Andrew Harris, Chris Ward, Adam Tickner,
  Peter , Emily Payne, Tim Polglase, Ted Bowyer,
  Matt Carr, Bobod , Michael Bryan, Richard
  Midwinter, Neil Ives, Mark Ryan, Ben Chapman,
  David Bond, Ben , Robert Simpson, Gary Sharp,
  Andy Shirling, Fenris Games, James , Jim
  Lucking, mark madgwick, Ben Sugden, Russell
  Webster, Sham Courtney, Louis E, Andrea Vail,
  Rohan , Sam Brown, Marc Lindberg, Hugh Noble,
  Nigel Ford, Gwyn Fisher, Matt Loren, Centuries
  of Sound, Amy Oliver, Christina Freeman, Paul
  Braithwaite, Tom Clark, Gregg Kuljian, Richard
  Abraham, Paul Slade, Alex Wrottesley, Ivan
  Shiel, Claire Allen, Iain M Barker, Dan Fairs,
  Tony East, Cat Conner, Jennifer Moquin, Claire
  Zolkwer, Seirian Hanner, Thea Mallett, Nick ,
  ben cowell-thomas, Robert Purkis, Oli , Andy
  Nattan, Alex Wren, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Ilya
  &#268;olak-Anti&#263;, Adam Kaczmarek, Mike
  Carter, Daz Wright, Stewart C. Russell, John M,
  P Underwood, Thepfy , Hadleigh Charles, Mark
  McIntosh, Stephen Williams, Peter Wood, Darren
  John Harris, Mike Booth, Simon Lumb, Tim
  Knight, FuzzyFreaks , Stephen McAuley, Phil
  Barns, wigglywigglyworm , Lyra Jay, Lee Ball,
  Richard keeling, David Ellinor, Rachel Tougas,
  Ben Groom, Mr Flibble, Dave The Hammer Parry,
  Emma Nicol, Paul Bayfield, Swedemason , Jon
  Bounds, Stéphane.

  Other thanks: Rob Manuel for writing this
  shite. Monkeon, HappyToast, Matt Round, Wil &
  Krix for other stuff.

  Bung us some money. Thank you.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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: ED ZITRON - "WHY I'M ADDICTED TO PELOTON"
  Patreon ad
  
  "I wrote for Motherboard about why I'm addicted
  to peloton and how it helps keep my obsessive
  thoughts about my weight down" writes Ed. 
https://motherboard.vice.com/en_us/article/vba4dx/my-gamer-brain-is-addicted-to-the-peloton-exercise-bike

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  SAVE MONEY ON YOUR WEEKLY SHOP. By being a
  thieving cunt at Tesco. (Edenmonster)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/  

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