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NEWSLETTER: "THIS NEWSLETTER IS NOT LATE, YOU'RE EARLY"

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This Week:
* LIES - "How Hitler helped write this newsletter"
* BOLLOCKS - "Swollen to the size of a balloon"
* TITS - "We are men who've seen them. On Wikipedia"

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're chasing the 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      Dragon 32 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     ... together"

B3ta email 709 - 15th Feb 2019

Read this issue smelling your own farts:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue709

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1 like = 1 bit of contextual information that AI
will use to help build a deeper understanding of
how to profile you for advertisers.

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: SHEEP! RULES THE INTERNET NEWS
  Yes, that's Sheep! Like Wham! 

  In news from the B3ta diaspora, Sheep! has been
  making a lot of noise of Twitter with his
  perplexing question, "If baguettes could move,
  how would they move? Give your reasoning."
  275k+ likes, Christ on a baguette. 
https://twitter.com/sheepfilms/status/1093487138832900098

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Things that would win a referendum that would be
a bad idea:

* Dissolve parliament
* Bring back hanging
* Abolish TV licence
* End income tax
* Closing all cycle lanes
* Murder legal if you think the other person
looks at kids funny
* Invading France

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: HOW TO CREATE A 1980s SCI-FI SPACESHIP SHOT
  Using only a washing up bottle and some glue
  
  Ronofthesouth got bored at the weekend and
  decided to work out how to create the kind of
  spaceships shots you might have seen in Alien.
  Not bad job at all.
https://b3ta.com/links/Creating_a_1980s_sci_fi_spaceship_shot

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Eminem's 2000 hit Stan is dominated by the pencil
sound effects all through the verses. Stan writes
his fan letters in pencil. Eminem writes back in
pencil. Are these people 5 years old?

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: REES-MOGG COMMON PEOPLE
  Yeah it was made by a b3tan

  That Rees-Mogg animation that's everywhere?
  Created by old school b3tan @swedemason. He
  writes, "I got some work! The Mourinho plan was
  a success and I'm now working with the guys at
  Joe. This is the first fruit."
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Jacob_Rees_Cock_er

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Reusable cups from coffee shop have created a world of adult-toddlers with sippy-cups.

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: EGGPOD VS ROBMANUEL VS JOHN LENNON
  Words for your earholes
  
  B3ta editor Rob Manuel on the EggPod podcast to
  talk about John Lennon's Plastic Ono Band. Not
  the best LP ever, but probably the best podcast
  ever recorded.

  BTW: The podcast is run by B3tan Chris Shaw AKA
  CCC, who is the same guy who pulled of the
  'Monkeyman superhero hoax' (check Wikipedia)
  and used to cheer up the newsletter by getting
  his local paper to print weird classifieds
  about dog poo.
https://iamtheeggpod.com/2019/01/29/episode-15-rob-manuel/

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Ever noticed that the tube station Marylebone is
named after Simon Le Bon's sister?

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: SUPPORT BREEL'S BOARD GAME
  Friend of dotty

  Remember Breel? He of the ear socks from the
  early bashes? He's kickstartering a board game
  and wants your help. It's called "go dotty" and
  we're looking forward to connecting the dots
  and playing it. 
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/godotty/go-dotty-board-game

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BLACK MIRROR EPISODE: There's a bug in twitter
that reveals all the time you voted for the cunty
option in your friend's polls.

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: SITES IN BEEF
  Stuff from outside the official B3ta universe

  * SOOTY & SWEEP - This clip where Sweep's
  relatives come to stay is like drinking helium
  at a kids' party.
https://twitter.com/archivetvmus71/status/1090310637102747648

  * WHICH SPOTIFY SONG WAS PLAYED THE MOST? Bound
  to annoy the purists when they find that
  which-is-best isn't a good guessing technique. 
https://www.topofthespots.com/ 

  * CUTLERY DRAWER SIMULATOR - The best
  simulators are pointless simulators
https://ded.increpare.com/~locus/Schubladesimulator/ 

  * A TUBE MADE OF SPLIT SECONDS OF FAMOUS SONGS
  - specifically to test if this is copyright
  infringement or not.
https://twitter.com/EclecticMethod/status/1088465760207421440

  * TOM BAKER SAYING "WHAT?" THE SUPERCUT - the
  fourth and best Doctor saying 'wot wot wot'
https://twitter.com/pipmadeley/status/1087129455250804736

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Along with the slow death of the physical media
is the parallel death of "having a stereo".
Replaced with a black speaker you can also shout
at to time eggs.

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: HELP MAKE SISTER OF MERCY BOOK HAPPEN
  To make the editor of this newsletter happy

  Rob Manuel writes - "I'm an old Sisters of
  Mercy fan, this might shock you but it's true
  and last year I did a bit of work with the
  publishers Unbound, and whilst there I
  introduced a writer and Sisters historian Mark
  Andrews to them because there's never been a
  Sister biography. Please help make this happen
  by pledging because I just want to read the
  damn thing."
https://unbound.com/books/sistersofmercy

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Things we'll get back after Brexit:

Old money
Imperial measurements
Answering the phone like "Kettering 6542"
Picking up the phone and going "operator?"
Radio 4 returning to the Home Service
Bobbies on bicycles
Cheeky milkmen
Old county lines restored
Churchill's ghost for PM

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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Beatles movies

  Peter Jackson is turning 55 hours of previously
  unseen Beatles footage in to a new movie, so
  let's jump on that bandwagon and movie up The
  Beatles. Photoshop them in to films or give us
  some lovely song based cinema puns.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/beatlesfilms

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Do you see the shampoo bottles occasionally left
in gym showers as a soapy bonus - or worry about
a serial killer who operates by leaving poisoned
body wash in communal changing rooms waiting for
a victim to rub death into their unsuspecting
scalp?

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: FOLLOW UPS
  Other bits of news in tiny cat food chunks

  * MISSING RULE OF THREE POD? The creators have
  radio show being repeated at the moment on
  Radio 4. To be fair it's very different
  content, being a comedy rather than chat about
  comedy, but it's fun to see what our favourite
  podcasters do for their day job. Normal podcast
  service returning later this month.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0bfydqz

  * SPECTRUM GAMERS WANTED - "I'm filming
  interviews with people about their memories of
  the Spectrum and its 80s games as an academic
  project and short documentary. UK only at the
  moment. Email [email protected] if
  interested."

  * BROS'S CLAIM THAT THEY'RE NOT SUPERSTITIOUS -
  put to the test by B3tan Dr Dunno.
https://twitter.com/christhebarker/status/1091298226995634176

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Just a bit of cosmic ordering: the people who
made the Bros documentary should make a Five Star
documentary.

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Some inspiration to start you off
 
  * IS BRITAIN GREAT AGAIN? A single page website
  dot com which displays random NO gifs from
  imgur and plays a midi version of Rule
  Britannia.

  * CHEGGERS PLAYS BOT -  a code tribute to the
  late, great Keith Chegwin that works by
  reposting jokes from other Twitter funny people
  without credit.

  * AN OFF SWITCH FOR PIERS MORGAN - blocks his
  tweets, mentions in media, his ITV TV show,
  people talking about his tweets, anything to do
  with Gillette, anything to with Gregg's sausage
  rolls. Together let's make him toxic, that if
  he gets on his shit horse about something that
  that gets block too until brands plead with him
  never to say anything again.

  * THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE TOOTLES OFF TO
  AUSCHWITZ - would be an unforgettable and
  probably unbroadcastable sketch. Don't make it.
  We're sorry for even thinking about it.

  Send your work to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

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They say hair of the dog cures a hangover but
we've been licking it since 10am and we've only
succeeded in giving him an erection.

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: CREDIT
  Edited by Rob Manuel & ClickBait Robot with
  extra stuff from Monkeon.

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Celebrity Squares:

* Rectangular Rippon
* oBlongdie
* Kitey Mingogue
* Rhombus Weasley

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: PATREON THANKS

  * BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX
  MORRIS*, *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES
  PETTS*, *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*,
  *MR PHIL DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
  *ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
  *BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
  BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
  *CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
  MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
  *JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
  *MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
  *PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
  NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
  GOODE

  * BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
  @MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
  INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
  DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
  ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
  WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
  AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
  WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
  COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
  FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
  MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
  BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
  GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
  SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
  FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG
  TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
  DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID
  AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
  GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
  DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN
  DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
  BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
  FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
  LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY,
  GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
  GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
  NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
  COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
  IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN
  RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
  JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
  JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
  O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
  JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
  ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
  DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
  MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
  MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
  FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
  HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
  WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
  THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, J&#463;M
  MCN&#463;VEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
  PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE
  MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK
  WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN
  HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON,
  MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
  COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS,
  MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
  MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
  CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
  BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
  PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
  PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
  PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
  RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
  MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
  AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
  ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
  ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
  RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
  RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
  SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
  MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
  STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
  ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
  SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
  ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
  TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
  REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
  TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
  WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
  APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
  CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
  JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
  CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
  ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
  ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
  CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
  NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
  KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
  STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH
  MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
  KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
  RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
  TIM BEACHY

  * BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper,
  Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam
  Kaczmarek, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren,
  Alex Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail,
  Andrew Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben,
  Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
  Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner,
  Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina
  Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan
  Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer
  Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David
  Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
  Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham
  Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh
  Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan
  Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers,
  Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths,
  John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball,
  Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
  madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt
  Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth,
  Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick
  Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul
  Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul
  Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
  Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob
  Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan,
  Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner,
  Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley,
  Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane,
  Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim
  Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East,
  Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of
  Philadelphia.

  Please bung us your cash:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta


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People who run down the narrow bit of spiral
staircases - how are you like this?

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: AND SPECIAL THANKS TO ED
  For being our biggest patreon

  Follow him on the Twitter. Go on.
https://twitter.com/edzitron

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: TOP TIP
  Make your own Nigel Farage by teaching a frog
  to be racist. (NoStrings)

  Add your own at:
http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips

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