NEWSLETTER: "WHAT'S YELLOW AND REALLY NEEDS A SHIT? MUST TURD"
"What's yellow and really needs a shit? Must turd"
This Week:
* STUFF - there's stuff in this this damn thing
* MORE STUFF - and we promise more stuff
* AND TITS - nope, this bit is a lie
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving up to buy
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | rat-meat for a Christmas
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| treat... together"
B3ta e-fax 756 - 11th Dec 2020
Read this issue whilst googling "how to cook rat":
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue756
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
Other than choosing which sauce for rat
>> What did you want to be before you grew up? <<
Matt Round is asking for help and says, "I
might do a thing about the jobs we wanted as
kids vs what we ended up doing, but I’ll need
a LOT of survey responses to even consider it.
Only 3 quick questions & it’s anonymous,
please fill it in & RT this"
https://t.co/ZppmNa4qlU
>> Buy Ashens' Movie <<
Ashens movie "Ashens and the Polybius Heist"
is out and proving a hit - you can download it
via Amazon and YouTube. If you squint you
might spot the editor of this very newsletter
making a tiny cameo at the end.
https://www.watchpolybiusheist.com/greatbritain
>> Win a book <<
Chris Barker is doing a give away for his book
of Newspaper covers. Complete with a foreword
written by the most centrist dad of them all,
and founder of the soup dynasty, Alistair
Campbell.
https://twitter.com/christhebarker/status/13366074...
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What's hard and makes cars crash?
J.G. Bollard
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions, fessed up for cheap shares
Each week we ask you to spit your lies into a
box and publish the ones that either make us
laugh or boggle:
* "Every night at 9pm, my cat sits in my spot
on the couch in front of the TV. I put on a
wildlife show for her to watch till she falls
asleep. It's our little thing at the end of
each day."
* "My brother split up with his girlfriend,
and removed her from the family WhatsApp. But
we all really like her, so we created a new
group with her, but without him. This has now
become the main family WhatsApp."
* "Mum's fiancé reacted to me coming out by
saying "you can't bring some puff to the
wedding". Well the joke's on you, Chris,
because it's your son I've been seeing for the
last 6 months."
Join the 97,0000 (holy shit!) arseholes who've
typed over a 1.2 million words into a tiny
Google form. Link goes to the best of October
so share it for greatness.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/13309542598741...
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Alan Moore's drag name is Alanis Morissette.
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: BUY A SWEARY SCARF YOU SEXY PEOPLE
Gazooks! A scarf that swears!
Hebtro are now selling scarfs with swearing on
them, buy them or indeed buy their "action
blankets" which are basically ponchos with
branding that made our kids go "Dad you're
wearing a poncho you wanker" and we replied
"you can take the piss when a clothes company
sends YOU free clothes like you're an
instagram influencer you little shits"
https://hebtro.co/product/sweary-scarf/
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Baby rats should be rittens.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff made by other people using their thumbs
* SPREADSHEET CLOCK - A working digital clock
using Google Sheets conditional formatting and
regex. Next week - a barometer made out of a
Lotus 1-2-3 database.
https://rebrand.ly/sheets-digital-clock
* WHO IS STREAMING NEAR YOU? Find people who
are streaming to absolutely no one. Don't
laugh at them, as this is the modern
equivalent of practising guitar in your
bedroom and dreaming about Wembley Stadium.
https://nobody.live/
* THE ONGOING SCAM OF PRINTER INK - our cheapo
tip to run a printer is don't. Really, just go
to a print-shop if you need anything in colour
and run a cheapo black and white laserjet at
home - also ideal for printing out ascii porn
for a 1980s style wank.
https://pluralistic.net/2020/11/06/horrible-produc...#inkwars
* TEMPLATES FOR BOXES - are you short of boxes
in your life? Then print out these boxes and
make your own, and simulate what it's like
living as someone who orders lots of boxes
from Amazon. Live the dream you shits.
https://templatemaker.nl/en/
* READ TWITTER LIKE A CENTRIST MUM - This is a
nice way of finding out what political bores
of all persuasions are currently yacking on
about without having to follow any of them.
Bookmark this, then block them all, the
political tits.
https://socialbubble.so
* GUESS MUSIC TRENDS GAME - quite enjoyed this
format where you have to draw a graph to guess
how MP3 sales (etc) have fared through the
years. Basically everything being quite lively
years ago and then sinking in the last few
years reminds us of our penis.
https://play.storylinegame.com/public/play
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Sad about Maradona. Fond memories of her Sex book.
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round.
BONUS FUNNYISH BULLSHIT IF YOU BOTHER READING
THIS FAR DOWN: Your 'cancelled after one
season sci-fi Netflix show' is your mother's
maiden name backwards followed by your PIN
number.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Mark (Mavis), Joshua Rackstraw,
Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri Bionic, Chris
Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris Smith, Daniel
Malbon, James Heaver and Phil Lovell. Please
join the patreon so we can afford to buy
sausages. And a special thanks to the Hebtro
gang. Buy their scarves. Eat rats. Stay safe.
http://patreon.com/b3ta
