NEWSLETTER: "IT'S ANOTHER FUCKING NEWSLETTER AND WE'RE ALL CLOSER TO DEATH"
This Week:
* CHALLENGE - Celebrate 60 years of Doctor Who
* JOHN HIGGS - Promises Doctor Who book
* KUNT AND THE GANG - no Who reference here [*1]
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | by backing it up on
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| 98MB Zip drive"
B3ta email 885 - 24th Nov 2023
Read this issue in your best Dalek voice:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue885
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their pets move house
* ANGRY PEOPLE IN NEWSPAPERS, BEST OF 2023 -
Grant Donachie writes, "Have you ever
found/linked a good resource for 'angry people
appearing in the newspaper posing with the thing
that's making them upset'? I checked the B3ta
newsletter archive and couldn't put my hand to
it, but I could look at these for hours and it
may be worth linking that if you haven't
already." Well actually it's run by old B3ta
moderator Scary Duck and we have linked it a
couple of times before, but fuck it, it's be
nice to old B3tans week, so in it goes.
https://apiln.co.uk/apiln-the-best-of-2023-so-far/
* HIGGS TO WRITE DOCTOR WHO BOOK - Our favourite
author John Higgs - fresh from his 10 year KLF
anniversary and his book on the Beatles - is
tackling Doctor Who next. It's like he's writing
our personal wish list. Maybe he'll write a
psychographic history of the Amstrad CPC 464
next.
https://johnhiggs.com/my-next-book-exterminate-reg...
* WILL THERE BE A "PROPER CHRISTMAS" NO 1 THIS
YEAR? - Kunt of Kunt And The Gang fame writes,
"Like LadBaby, we are retiring from the Xmas No
1 race. After 5 years of sausage roll hell, the
UK deserves a proper Xmas No 1 so we are backing
Proper Christmas by The Krackpots, a mystery
band who no one knows the identity of, a bit
like Banksy. Out 08/12."
http://properchristmas.info
* B3TAN T-SHIRTS - Happy Toast is flogging his
famous drawings on t-shirts and we're plugging
it in case you're stuck for ideas for Xmas
presents. And also to say thank you for the many
years of service he's put into our image
challenges. Told you it was "be nice to old
B3tans" week.
https://www.redbubble.com/people/happytoast/
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: B3TA SITE UPDATES
We're not 100% trapped in 2004, you know
Thanks to Wil Hadden for keeping the old place
going and making sure a few updates have gone
live including:
* 404 NOW FOUND - We've updated our 404 page
with some of your submissions - check out our
404 page here, and if you fancy submitting an
image for it then the challenge is still open.
https://b3ta.com/404
* OLD FRONT PAGES - Oooh look, we've got
infinite scroll for images on the front page. We
probably should have provided a route to the old
FPs twenty years ago, still, better late than
never.
https://b3ta.com
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
It's that time to talk about f-f-f-f-f-fasion
Our lovely sponsored Hebtro recently fucked up
making some denim shirts by sending off some
thick jeans fabric for stitching and they've
come out very heavy and tough. Which is sort of
cool, as running with interesting mistakes is
how new things happen. But your IRON SHIRTS for
Christmas now.
https://hebtro.co/product/iron-shirt
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions shat out like shit
Each week the collective minds of Fesshole
masturbate into a huge dustbin and we scoop
globules out and occasionally ask members of the
unsuspecting public "does this smell off to
you?"
* SNITCHES GET STITCHES - "Caught my boss
cheating on her husband. Under the Bro Code I
anonymously told her husband & gave proof. They
divorced. The boss spiralled into depression.
The company collapsed and now I'm unemployed. No
good deed goes unpunished, eh?"
* PUBIC HOUSE - "When I turned 18, my old man
took us to the pub for my 'first' pint. Lovely
gesture that was going really well until the
bartender greeted me by first name and asked
where the rest of my mates were."
* WISH WE HAD MORE OF THIS STORY - "My wife got
incredibly drunk and told me she was leaving me
because she was in love with someone else. The
next morning she didn't mention anything about
it, and I can only assume she doesn't remember
she said it. It's been over a month now and I
feel like I can't say anything."
Follow the account that's only got followers
because people mistook it for the MySpace page
that celebrates Paul McCartney doing his "oooh"
face. Oh and the link is for 'best of October
2023' so it's worth a click.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/17269710461030...
Come to the shows - we have tickets available
for Northampton, Leicester and Cambridge. And a
good time is promised to all.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the second Fesshole book The New Fesstament,
which is like the first except in the follow
crucial ways:
1. A slightly bigger font because your editor
had to squint for the last one
2. Entirely different confessions of course
3. It's yellow rather than red
4. There's a bit more 'read-y' text, it's not
overwhelmed with it, but we upped the ratio.
SO NOW BUY IT
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Your weekly link delivery
* PAGES FROM CEEFAX CELEBRATION - Broken TV have
been counting down the Top 100 most broadcast
BBC shows for over a year and things are hotting
up for TV nerds now we're in the top 5.
Crashing in at number 4 is the contentious Pages
From Ceefax and, present-and-correct, is this
version where you can read the article in
Teletext whilst listening to some lovely KPM
library music.
https://brokentv.uk/2023/11/21/available-to-anyo-e...
* TEST FIRE ALARM GAME - An enjoyably silly
reaction-time game about testing your fire
alarm. Not much effort has gone into the
pretence that it's from 1996, though. View the
source and not a nested table in sight.
https://everything-is-fine.com
* ARE YOU PITCH PERFECT? A game-of-the-day that
actually feels like you might learn something if
you play it enough. Wordle, but with musical
notes. Put on your Rick Beato head and try to
play back the tune on your mini piano.
https://perfectpitchpuzzle.com
* HOW BIG WERE THE CLANGERS EXACTLY? A thread
about calculating the size of Clangers. Next
week: can you actually make soup from a Soup
Dragon?
https://mastodon.social/@_thegeoff/111444077638080...#
* ELVIS COSTELLO'S DAD - neat clip of Ross
McManus clearly having all the talent of his son
and more. Nice to see him referenced without it
being the R. Whites lemonade clip.
https://b3ta.com/links/This_is_Ross_McManus_Elvis_...
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: ANON_OPIN REACHES 200,000 FOLLOWERS
Meaningless number celebration
Pleased to notice our opinion robot has reached
the 1/5th of a million mark, as no one calls it.
We kinda see it as the b-side to Fesshole, it's
less popular, but it's the one the "fans" REALLY
like.
Anyway, here's some opinions that have been
popular recently. Maybe if you're a politician
standing for office you could campaign on these:
* LOCKDOWN CASH - "Everyone who had to work
through lockdown should be given a three month
paid holiday at a time of their choosing to make
up for it"
* BOOZE RULES - "Day time drinking should be
normalised. Who the fuck wants to go out at 8
and stay up till 3am getting pissed. Start at 12
be shitfaced by 7, kebab, hit the sack at 8 and
then you've not wasted the entire following day
with a hangover in bed."
* TRUTH - "Not a single fucking thing in Britain
is better than it was 13 years ago."
Celebrate our numbers by unfollowing and
blocking this bullshit that we pretend we're
above but actually quite enjoy:
https://twitter.com/anon_opin
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Pigs!
Last week we asked you to celebrate David
Cameron's return to Government by using Corel
Draw to manipulate pigs.
* MONKEON's take on Tom Hanks's most
age-problematic movie
https://b3ta.com/board/11401163
* ECLECTECH's revival of a meme that's now 11
years old, blimey, everyone is old
https://b3ta.com/board/11401331
* NINJ's version of The Mission's best single
https://b3ta.com/board/11401203
* See all the other images from the 'Pigs!'
challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/pigs/popular
>> This week: Happy Birthday Dr Who <<
This week marks Doctor Who's 60th anniversary.
To celebrate, let's make some pictures
celebrating all things Who.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/happybirthdaydrwho/popul...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you up the brain minge
* DALEY THOMPSON'S RETIREMENT DECATHLON - with
events like queuing at the post office for your
pension and posting angry shit on NextDoor dot
com
* PREMIER INN UNLIMITED BREAKFAST COMPETITION -
we want a competitive website for people sharing
the biggest breakfasts they've shoved down their
fat necks at Britain's finest morning eatery.
* CAPTAIN TOM SIMULATOR 2000 - Matt Round asks,
"did anyone ever do a captain tom game? not too
late, could now really go for it with bonuses
flashing on screen about your daughter being
able to afford a spa, etc"
Stick an email in our email pipe:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: Last week we asked you to start a website
called BLAG BRAG about all the stuff you've
stolen and no one did but we did get this email
from Tosh Web: "We stole a table from upstairs
in a pub (The Salutation)in Nottingham, we
didn't know what to do with it so we took it
back and got caught sneaking it back in, we got
barred."
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (I literally used to run
that Maccaface Tumblr Rob)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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[*1] Well actually, the beat on that track is the
Glitter Beat again which is in triplet time, the
same as the Doctor Who theme, as celebrated by The
Timolords in Doctor In The Tardis, which
ultimately, inspired Kunt to try to get to No 1.
It's all connected innit.
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'DATING' FESSHOLE
"I was just on a date with a woman and, while
showing me a video on her phone, saw she
received a text that said 'well, looks aren't
everything.' Oof"
