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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 175: "ONE MORE REASON TO DO SOD ALL WORK"

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This Week:
* INTRODUCING - Tokyo Sexwale
* JOEL - Winners song
* BUNNY - Extreme Bugs Bunny

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 175 - 24 Mar 2005

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue175/

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: ADVERT
  MSN

  "Check out belching woman in this MSN viral
  and learn the perils of leaving your webcam
  unattended."
http://clk.atdmt.com/GBL/go/msnkxuim0040000001gbl/direct/01/


  >> Advertise in B3ta <<
  Want to buy this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  Rathergood, weird name song & guess the object

  >> Joel sings... <<
  "It's spring time," writes Veitch. "Joy is
  flooding my soul, and so I've made the
  happiest thing in the world." Featuring his
  new band 7 Seconds Of Love, it certainly is
  energetic.
http://www.7secondsoflove.com/winners/


  >> Strange name worship <<
  "My friend made this short Flash animation,"
  boasts Craig, "based on my joyful
  mispronounciation-based South African leader
  song. I hope you like it!" We do Craig, we
  do. If we could afford to give you a special
  badge then we would.
http://www.hootsmon.com/fergietron/tokyosexwale.swf


  >> Guess the object <<
  "I wonder could you help me", enquires Neil,
  "about two years ago I was out on the piss,
  and on the way home I found this box. It's a
  normal cigar box but inside it's full of these
  little pieces of paper, ranging from really
  thin to card thickness. I've not a clue what
  this could be for and I reckon it to be the
  product of a deranged mind or something."
  Readers! If you know then get in touch.
http://www.identity.ie/whatsinthebox/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Useless Information

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  
  Last week we asked you for the rubbish facts
  that are clogging up your brains:
http://b3ta.com/questions/uselessinformation/
  
  * "There is such a thing as a scale for rating
    poo - it is called the Bristol Stool Scale
    and it rates poos from 1-7. Apparently, from
    a medical perspective, a 4 is ideal."
    (harryfreeze)
     
  * "Koala bears may spontaneously combust when
    isolated from their group due to a build up
    of eucylyptus oil on the tops of their heads.
    They cannot reach this area to clean it and
    rely on other koalas to groom them, hence
    when isolated for a long time the oil builds
    up and in extreme heat can ignite and explode
    the koala. This has been blamed for many bush
    fires." (Dill)
     
  * "The Norwegian for 'Do I dare to meet them?'
    is 'Tore jeg mote dem?' I know this because
    in 1987 I watched the Norway entry of the
    Eurovision Song Contest with Ceefax subtitles-
    and my mum took a photo of me watching it
    and that caption is on the screen (with
    the English underneath) It's so sad..."
    (knife_of_justice)


  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to tell us about the flashbacks
  you experience with particular songs. Go on,
  talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/flashbacks/


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: IS IT REAL?
  Don't email in - it's just for fun

  The Objective: Christian Ministries run a science
  fair that teaches kids to disprove evolutionism
  with such rigorous experiments as 'My Uncle Is
  A Man Named Steve And Not A Monkey' and through
  making a scale Noah's Ark full of gerbils. It's
  almost too idiotic to be true - or is it?
http://objective.jesussave.us/creationsciencefair.html


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: SITES IN BRIEF 
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Hyped-up rabbit character <<
  Kids today - they're all into "extreme".
  And it's the marketing men's mission to see
  they get extreme - whether they want it or
  not. This update of Bugs Bunny makes a good
  point, with a maximum of gratuitous swearing.
http://www.csh.rit.edu/~rage/TLGmedia/anim_pages/anewbunny.htm


  >> David Blaine's morbid tricks <<
  Ah, if only David Blaine wasn't such a master
  of the arts of illusion. We'd love to believe
  that he would actually pull out his own heart
  live on TV. But that didn't stop us from
  recoiling in fear and dismay when we saw this
  video clip.
http://www.lookatentertainment.com/v/v-663.htm


  >> Microphone-nuzzling politico <<
  Cheers to our Russian correspondent for sending
  us this brief clip of a Lithuanian right-wing
  politician caught off-guard by the camera. He
  seems to be seeking oral comfort from the mike,
  like the metal nipple of a robot mum.
http://www.compromat.ru/main/ne_rossiya/litsustauskas.htm


  >> Double-decker cat pram <<
  Would you like to take your pets out for a
  walk, but are concerned they might get the
  benefit of exercise as well as fresh air?
  We can't, for the love of fuck, work out just
  who and what this weird collection of cages
  on wheels is for. Zoom in on the pic for a
  good close-up view of some unhappy cats.
http://www.hammacher.com/publish/72079.asp?promo=xsells#


  >> Left-brain/right-brain quickfire quiz <<
  The questions come at you from both sides:
  One side maths, the other colour-matching.
  The object is to see both how clever you are
  and which side of your brain you favour. In
  practice though it made us panic and spack
  around the screen in ungainly panic.
http://www.tetris1d.org/zigah/twinoo/twinoo.php


  >> That girl in my spam <<
  Spam. Like an old friend it greets you from
  your inbox every day. Rob of Cockeyed.com
  noticed one rather lovely face (and dress)
  cropping up again and again and launched a
  one-man mission to find out her true identity.
http://www.cockeyed.com/citizen/spam/alicia/alicia.html


  >> "Fuck my sex foot" <<
  Foot fetishists: Enjoy vaginal sex, but dislike
  women? The makers of 'Kaylani's Foot' are aiming
  right at you. It's a sexy prosthetic lady foot,
  with a handy fake vagina in the heel. Classy.
http://www.extremerestraints.com/stat/ec322.html


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Gummy tiger and huggy tiger

  Aww. Look at this tiny feline yawning his little
  head off. Looks like butter wouldn't melt in his
  mouth - or indeed that he'd be able to chew it.
http://www.animalyawns.com/Tigers/Cheyenne-4.jpg


  It's very cold on the icy steppes of Siberia,
  so hats off to this friendly tiger warming his
  human chum Michael Moore with a big matey hug.
http://www.goyk.com/temp/potd/tiger_hug.jpg


  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


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: GEEK OF THE WEEK
  Solar Death Ray

  Building a gigantic parabola of mirrors to focus
  the power of 112 suns onto hapless household
  objects sounds like a lot of fun. However, the 
  site's owner sternly warns us, "The Solar Death
  Ray is dangerous. Donít build one. Iím surprised
  I haven't burnt or blinded myself yet. The fumes
  from molten plastic canít be good either." Click
  through to Target Gallery to witness the molten
  results of his own reckless experiments.
http://www.solardeathray.com/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  Preggers game, film quiz & solid Easter egg

  >> Spunk invaders <<
  "After being subjected to my baby nephew's
  constant wails," hisses Naive Amoeba, "I
  decided to make a game which involves using
  a rubber diaphragm to bounce sperm away from
  an egg." Blimey, this amused us for a few
  minutes, although mainly because there's soon
  to be the skitter of tiny claws at B3ta Towers
  with a mini-Manuel on the way.
http://www.naiveamoeba.co.uk/index.asp?dir=2&id=10


  >> "Who's that extra?" film quiz <<
  "Remember me?" enquires Scott, "You liked my
  other stupid stuff like the Evil Clown Generator.
  Well, I just made a rather pointless flash
  game that tests your knowledge of obscure
  Hollywood actors." Working on the "Shit, I've
  seen him somewhere but..." principle, this quiz
  is fucking tough.
http://scottsmind.com/wherehave.php


  >> Solid Easter egg <<
  As kids we were always disappointed with
  Easter Eggs being hollow. What a rip-off.
  J0nnyspence obviously feels the same.
http://mysite.wanadoo-members.co.uk/j0nnyspence/egg/index.htm


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from Daily Sport Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted you to muck up pictures
  of David Sullivan because we felt vaugely
  annoyed that his newspaper was taking b3ta
  images and selling them on mobile phones.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/davidsullivan/

  We asked b3ta legend Freddy Woo to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Freddy Woo writes -

  #1 "Photo Booth - I'm not saying David has
     a face like an arse. But this is. (Darryn.R)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4386193


  #2 "Graphic Design Dept - David is stealing
     our pics, so this steals err.. someone
     elses. (purpleonion)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4386132

  #3 "Hair cut - trust monkeon to take the
     sideways approach. Nicely observed, yes
     David has got a crap hair cut."
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4401199


  Our challenge promted the Daily Sport to get
  in touch, they wrote:

  "At Daily Sport we love b3ta. Our publisher,
  David Sullivan, contacted us today to say how
  much he enjoyed your current Photoshop Challenge.

  "You may have noticed that in our Internutter
  column we have ceased to promote any images on 
  mobile phones, and, in future, we will leave
  any tags your contributors put on their work in 
  place. Keep up the good work!"

  Right. Hopefully this bit of silliness is 
  resolved. Newspapers. Please take note:
  all most people want is credit for their
  work, and if you're planning to do t-shirts
  or other money making stuff. Just get in
  touch with the artist. It's not hard.


  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, b3ta challenge winner Darryn.R gave us
  the suggestion, "Tragic Roundabout"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/tragicroundabout/


-------------------------------------------------

: STOP TELLING US

  * SEARCHING FOR CITROEN LOGO on google images
    produces an interestingly NSFW take on their
    double chevron.

  * WHOREPRESENTS.COM doesn't quite live up 
    to its domain name.


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * MORE NOKIA FACTS - spiny informs us that "the
    'dit dit dit dah dah dit dit dit' bleeps that
    Nokias make when you get an SMS is actually
    Morse code for 'SMS'." That makes a lot of 
    sense - we'd always thought they were calling
    for help.


  * THE CHAIN REACTION GAME of last week's
    newsletter prompted a lot of readers to invoke
    super-brain nerd status because of their high
    scores. Comp_wizard11235 seems to have the
    best claim. "It's not that hard," writes this
    vast, disembodied brain in a jar. 

    "After a chain reaction runs, it leaves areas
    of pieces pointed in the same direction. You
    can't start another reaction in such a region,
    but it's excellent for propagating reactions. 

    "So just start a second reaction in untouched
    spaces right next to a region that has been
    aligned by previous reactions. Most likely,
    the reaction will run through several hundred 
    tiles."


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: B3TA SALUTES
  Gay lion farm

  Sadly, not quite what the name might suggest,
  but we loved these 1930s publicity shots of
  Mr and Mrs Gay's Hollywood lion ranch. It's
  great seeing this fairly ordinary married couple
  nonchalantly arsing around with giant cats.
http://www.alamedainfo.com/Gays_Lion_Farm.htm


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Stampy death

  There's not much depth to this deadly game of
  elephant and parrot. You simply have to avoid
  being crushed by the monstrous tusker's clumsy
  foot. But we enjoyed its cuteness combined with
  the constant, demented screeching in French.
http://home.tiscali.be/dinodino/jeux/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * BIRMINGHAM EGG - Take 5 scotch eggs, cut in
    half and cover in masala sauce. Place in
    Balti dish and serve with naan and/or chips. 
    We'll send a b3ta t-shirt to anyone who cooks
    this up, eats it and makes a lovely little
    photo log / write up of their adventure.


  * COFFEE ART WITH COCKS - loving this image
    of a lion made with coffee froth. Maybe
    you could get creative and do one with
    cocks. Or a minge.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/tonx/1356415/in/set-48921/

 
  * SOCIAL ENGINEERING - apparently you can get 
    free pizza by walking into a takeaway behind
    some people, looking as if you're with them,
    noting their name and order and phoning back
    in 10 minutes saying "the ham was raw" and
    asking to pick up a fresh one.
    

  * METRO - create fake copies of the newspaper,
    with crazed stories, leave them on the Tube
    and observe people's reactions.


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS: 

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by ruski, 5700, whatsinaname212,
  mrtinybrain, Geordie Al, amazongirl, dr_fonz,
  James Hopkin, Rob T Firefly, C-Bean,
  whatsinaname212, fraggledrew and Geordie Al
  Top Tippery by Tim Sheridan
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the IPO b4ta millionaires. (76547)
  
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  TOP TIP:
  If you're accidentally forced to take cocaine in
  a very hot and humid country, simply acquire a
  common slab of marble (small) and place it in the
  microwave for 4 mins. Presto! you now have a
  cutting surface that is extremely porous and
  absorbs all moisture from your precious gak,
  leaving it fluffy, dry and splendidly granular.
  The marble retains the heat internally too, for
  a good working timescale of 15-20 minutes.

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