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NEWSLETTER: "AND IT SEEMS TO ME, YOU DIED YOUR DEATH, BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T BUCKLE IN..."

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This Week:
* TITS - Bizarre prosthetic mammary fetish
* JACKO - Halloween mask
* CHALLENGE - Lady Diana, princess of hearts

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  "We're loaddowning the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  kiddie pron... together"

B3ta email 297 - Mundus patet 2007

Stick this up your browser chuff:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue297/

        Stage6:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
       Joost:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Bizzare prosthetic mammary fetish <<
  Did you know the web is full of perverts? When
  you think you've seen them all, there's always
  another to make you go "do people really wank
  to this?" BTW: The nipples the size and shape
  of cocks is a nice detail.
http://www.mastasia.com/main.htm


  >> Shave your body <<
  "Ok...ok I know it's a commercial for a body
  groomer," confesses Mr Greywood, "but I almost
  pissed myself at certain parts in the
  FAQ/demonstrations part." Us too. Especially
  the rather homo-neurotic suggestion that you can
  make your penis look larger by shaving your
  man-minge. 
http://www.shaveeverywhere.com/


  >> Another Daily Photo Thingy <<
  So a bloke takes a photo every day for 8 years.
  Our conclusion? He looks better with short hair
  and without the glasses, but a mirror could
  have told him that.
http://www.c71123.com/daily_photo/index.php


  >> Jacko mask <<
  You know your plastic surgery has gone to shit
  when it's a viable business to sell an
  impression of your face as an effective
  Halloween mask. Who next? Our money is on
  Victoria Beckham.
http://snipurl.com/itsvitiligohonest


  >> Confess everything <<
  Is our question of the week not enough for your
  texty voyeurism? Then get your clicky ass down
  to unburdened where you can choke on your linky
  corn-flakes with gems like, "I got my mistress
  pregnant and had to pay for an abortion. I took
  the money out of my secret slush fund account
  to pay for it. She would have kept the baby if
  I had wanted to. But I didn't want to have to
  explain child support to my wife." You're best
  off skipping the "I biffed another forum
  member" dullness though.
http://snipurl.com/1rt0j


  >> DIY PDA <<
  Is there a device that doesn't want to organise
  you? There's a calendar on our laptop, phone,
  iPod and probably digital watch if we had one.
  So the latest tech to enter this competitive fray
  is decided low-tech: a bit of paper.
http://www.pocketmod.com/


  >> Rattle Snake Bite <<
  You don't want to look at these pics. Trust us.
  For once they are seen they can not be unseen.
http://www.rattlesnakebite.org/rattlesnakepics.htm


  >> Goatse cake <<
  Ruin a loved one's birthday with a disgustingly
  lifelike cake modelled on the notorious anal
  shock site. Extra points for artistic use of
  strawberry jam.
http://www.urod.ru/files/kakku8.jpg


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Dirty Trade-Secrets

  Last week we wanted the dirty secrets that only
  those in the trade know about. We're truly
  scared by the confession of a Sydney IVF clinic
  worker that he cloned himself:
http://b3ta.com/questions/dirtysecrets/

  Here's three of the less prosecutable stories:
  
  * "HELICOPTER PILOTS tell customers that the
  heaviest people have to go in the back of the
  machine for centre of gravity issues. This is
  partially true. But really it is so the
  boyfriend gets in the back and the chicky-babe
  in the short skirt sits up front. We then use
  our immaculately-polished instrument glass to
  look up her skirt." (bellboy)

  * "THE FUNERAL OF A LOCAL CIVIC DIGNITARY: the
  bereaved relatives had requested that
  'Jerusalem' sung by Kings College Choir be
  played during the committal to the flames. The
  task of sourcing the music was given to the
  rookie, who - unable to find a copy of
  Jerusalem, had decided to substitute a 'similar
  song'. It was for this reason that the dearly
  departed's coffin sailed through the curtain to
  the sound of "Achy, Breaky Heart" by Billy-Ray
  Cyrus, the deceased having died from a
  coronary." (Lunar Jim)
     
  * "UGLY KID BATTLESHIPS: I'm a teacher and
  invigilate exams. Deathly dull work, until we
  brightened it up with Ugly Kid Battleships.
  Each seat has a reference number, and myself
  and the two or three other staff would stroll
  around writing down the numbers of where we
  thought the eight ugliest kids sat. We would
  then meet and try to guess each other's
  numbers. Endless variations - smelly kid, geeky
  kid etc. We also play Slow Pacman: one would be
  Pacman and the others were Ghosts. We'd chase
  around the exam hall at slow invigilator speed.
  If the ghosts got to a corner spot the tide is
  turned for five minutes." (bambambambambam)

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Been creatively insulted recently? Talk to us
  here you fuck-muppet:
http://b3ta.com/questions/insults/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Religion, Goth Winkies, Plumbing and Shit

  >> Greybloke gets religion <<
  Madridiot's monochrome man in the street muses
  on mortality and which of the world's major
  belief systems he should join up with.
http://b3ta.com/links/Some_Grey_Bloke_Choosing_my_religion


  >> Goth-touching song <<
  Angsty, doom-laden remake of koit's ode to the
  joys of touching naughty things (aka 'The Winky
  Song').
http://www.mattyjohn.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/flash/GothWinky.html


  >> Rabbit shit <<
  "Here is an animation I have done with rabbits
  doing massive poos," beams Andy Martin.
  "Thought you guys might like it." And like it
  we do - it has a weird Terrance & Philip meets
  Space Invaders ambience.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBvr0tc--Sw


  >> Maniac plumber <<
  A mesmerising central performance makes a
  peculiar treat of Captain Bubbles's short film
  about tradesmen on the rampage. Cracking
  special clown effects too. Link is to part one: 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/124769


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  No monkeys drinking pee, sadly

  >> Tightrope between the Twin Towers <<
  Startling news footage from 1974, as Frenchman
  Philippe Petit prances about on a tightrope
  slung 1,300ft up between the World Trade Centre
  towers. It's a freaky thing - and partly, of
  course, just to see the towers again.
http://b3ta.com/links/Guy_tightropes_between_the_Twin_Towers


  >> 'Pricasso' <<
  Talented exhibitionist paints portraits with
  his knob. They're not too bad really, although
  you wouldn't want one - it'd be a bit like he'd
  rubbed his willy on your face.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5sLx1L0IsP0


  >> Turn a torch into a laser <<
  Not only is this an extremely cool thing to
  have - a hand-held burning laser - but we love
  the voiceover, which makes the whole project
  seem very easy: "Just remount the diode in an
  AixiZ Laser Module..."
http://snipurl.com/arghmyeyes


  >> Wanking dog <<
  A randy pooch frantically administering
  self-love while balanced precariously on his
  hind legs. Worth a look. Not sure if it's NSFW
  - almost certainly if you happen to work with
  dogs of conservative morals.
http://www.redtube.com/6303


  >> Bearforce One <<
  A boy band of gay bears. Starts a little slow
  but how can you hate a quartet of chunky,
  bearded blokes belting out camp classic
  covers. It's like the b3ta iPod on party
  shuffle.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twQlpFrm5iM


  >> Toilet seat bidet/enema/colon cleanser <<
  Wince-inducing ad for a bathroom accessory that
  leaves you thoroughly cleaned. If you sit
  through the testimonials to about halfway
  through you get to see a woman wiping shit off
  her hand. Yes, well, your mileage may vary.
http://shanghaiist.com/2007/09/10/new_bidet_that.php


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Now incorporating 'cock photo weekly'

  * DICK TRICKLE - Famed stock car racer. We
  couldn't keep a straight face when this profile
  started talking about the time "Trickle headed
  south".
http://www.stock-car-racing.net/Dick-Trickle.htm

  * GIANT COCKS FROM SPACE - well, visible from
  Google Earth's spy in the sky. Here's one on
  the Isle of Wight:
http://snipurl.com/spacecock


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Ninja Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to devise ninja
  weapons out of ordinary objects.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * IKEA - Smart förvaring för hallen,
  tvättstugan, vinden, källaren och garaget
  (Mighty Nibus)

  * PRICKS - Every ninja needs a hedgehog cosh
  (Cape Perna)

  * STARS - Impressive appearance of the
  memed-to-death Tesco cliché in the top three
  (Monty Propps)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/ninja/


  >> New challenge: Diana <<
  It's been a full decade since the People's
  Princess tragically lost her life, and b3ta has
  never properly paid tribute. It's time to put
  that right.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/diana/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  MC PIKEY ON MYSPACE - long-term readers may
  remember Issue 46 where we introduced urban
  poet MC Pikey, who was in reality, the Ginger
  Fuhrer's wife... Apparently the MP3 was listened
  by a few, as a quick google reveals comments
  like, "...much better than MC Pitman who I
  considered to be menacing and largely
  unassuming..." Anyway, we thought Pikey needs
  his own Myspace page, and as a special treat,
  two extra tracks recorded at the time.
  Altogether now, "Norf London!"
http://www.myspace.com/mcpikeymcpikey


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * HOTORNOT PHOTOSHOP CHALLENGE - BeardedWhumpus
  wonders, "take a photo of someone, photoshop it
  to make them look nicer, and put both pictures
  on Hot or Not. The point being to find out: How
  much fitter can photoshop make you?"

  * A FACEBOOK APPLICATION GENERATOR - there's
  probably a business model here. Create a couple
  of simple 'white label' facebook apps, you know
  the type: give a gift, or those vampire /
  zombie games of tick. Allow developers to
  customise the GFX and roll them out to their
  users. You'll be rich, maybe.

  * BUTTON THAT TAKES "TRAFFIC SHAPING" and
  SHOVES IT UP VIRGIN MEDIA'S ARSE - their
  service has been rotten since they took over
  Telewest, and now they've broken our torrents.
  Bunch of hamtouchers.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Yank Meoff,
  FILTHIO, phix65, ebuckling, fse357, waxdart,
  scottaldred, jangle, dazd, dominic fitzsimmons,
  hahn, Alex Conroy and deeko99 Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subject line props
  to dbroon.
  
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  SICKIPEDIA:
  What's got wings and sucks blood? Always Ultra.	
http://www.sickipedia.org/tag/periods

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