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NEWSLETTER: "B3TA TO MAKE 300 BOARDERS REDUNDANT"

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This Week:
* SONG - Fred & Rose
* LOLS - Lolclits. Yes.
* CREDIT - The Crunch visualised

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving with
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       the Woolwich"

B3ta email 368 - 6 Mar 2009

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue368/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: SPONSORED LINK
  1000 things you should know about horses!

  You love horses, best of all the animals - but
  did you know horse meat is usually very lean
  and with a sweet taste reminiscent beef and
  venison? Oh bugger it - truth be told our
  sponsored linky peeps dropped out at the last
  minute.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1842368516/b3ta-21

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Satisfaction, Love and Sudoku

   >> Manly Satisfaction <<
  Awe-inspiring tribute to the classic Benny
  Benassi vid, starring b3tard Forkit and one of
  his mates shaking their derrieres, wielding
  power-tools. Mercifully, it's in black and white
  - full colour may have proven a little too much
  for us.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Total_Satisfaction


  >> "We're like Fred & Rose" <<
  Kunt & the Gang's stab at a touching love song.
  Immense respect is due simply for being willing
  to cavort through town dressed as Fred and Rose
  West. Great art demands great sacrifice.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-ApfJ4a-6Y


  >> Automatic Sudoku solver <<
  "I'm going to win the Metro Sudoku prize every
  day from now on," brags Duvet of farts.
  "Apparently, all those years doing a PhD
  weren't a complete waste." To explain: Use your
  iPhone to take a picture of a Sudoku puzzle.
  This clever app then automatically recognises
  and solves it all for you, in about 5 seconds.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Its_a_research_project_honest


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Housemates

  After we last asked you about your maddest
  housemates we thought you'd learn from the
  experience. But no. Here's page after page of
  loopy people sharing flats:
http://b3ta.com/questions/housemates/

  * CAT BURGLAR - "Just this morning, having
  spent a highly enjoyable snooze in the gf's bed
  after she'd buggered of early for a job
  interview, I reluctantly dragged myself out of
  bed. Quick shower and a shave I am ready to
  take on the world! The world, however, has
  different ideas. One of the girlfriend's
  flatmates has dead-bolted the door and I am
  locked in. After a short time hunting for a
  spare key (no luck) I consider my options. This
  brings me to the kitchen. The flat is in an old
  council estate with a walkway running past the
  kitchen and front door. I find that one of the
  windows opens fully and I can escape! I fashion
  a loop of Macguyver-esque string so I can pull
  the latch on the window closed after my escape.
  I climb out and breathe the sweet, fresh air of
  freedom, turn around and pull the window shut.
  Success! The latch clicks into place and the
  house is once again secure. Eager to get going
  I turn around and walk to work with a spring in
  my step... and spring straight into the warm,
  welcoming arms of the wonderful, ever vigilant
  Metropolitan police force. Arse. Took half an
  hour of providing work, home and personal
  details, contact number for girlfriend,
  verifying my identity, emptying my bag to prove
  that 'no, you probably wouldn't want to steal
  cycling gear that smells THAT bad' and them
  promising to return when girlfriend & flatmates
  are in to ensure that I am who I am and that
  nothing has been stolen." (Squash)
     
  * DISH WASHER - "I've never had a dishwasher.
  This isn't the greatest hardship endured by
  man, but it'd be nice. The worst thing about
  this yearning is that I had one once, for a
  day. We'd moved into a new house that was a bit
  of a shithole but had the all important
  dishwasher. After a long day of unpacking,
  building Ikea furniture and smoking weed, K who
  had not been smoking proclaimed that she'd
  stack the dishwasher. I was first up with a
  raging thirst. Stumbled to the kitchen,
  retrieved glass from dishwasher, filled glass
  with cool, refreshing water and... Oh good god,
  it was like ingesting the crushed bones of a
  mummified Gandhi. I ran the tap, but that was
  clear and fresh. I moved my attention to the
  glass which had a strange, frosted appearance.
  All of the crockery, cutlery and glassware
  turned out to be covered with this thin film of
  white powder. We quizzed K on her dishwasher
  skills. She explained that she had taken the
  dishwasher powder from under the sink and had
  run it as the instructions indicated. All very
  well, but none of us had brought any dishwasher
  powder. "But I found some under the sink!" She
  showed us. It was plaster of fucking Paris!
  Everything had to be binned as we couldn’t get
  it off. The dishwasher we tried to flush out,
  but it coughed, burped, farted and died for
  evermore. If we'd cut away the shell, I guess
  we'd have had a perfect ceramic model of an
  Indesit 4200."
  (NakedApe)
     
  * 2 GIRLS 1 CUP - "I share with two
  good-looking women who have a bit of a problem
  tidying up or doing the dishes, particularly
  after they've been in the house alone for any
  length of time. I'm not particularly vindictive
  but enough is enough and so today I have hidden
  most of the crockery and furniture. We'll see
  just how much of a mess they can make with one
  cup." (horace wimp)

  Special mention goes to brackishboy's box room
  ball-pool:
http://b3ta.com/questions/housemates/post378705

  
  >> This Week's Question <<
  We'd like your puns. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/puns/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> LOLClits <<
  Lolcats meets the Vagina Monologues. It's...
  uh... we... Oh just go look at it, it's funny.
  Unless you're at work. And are not a
  gynaecologist.
http://www.lolclits.com/


  >> Faith No More return to blog <<
  Vintage rockers Faith No More have recently won
  the prize for the longest gap between blog
  posts. "We've broken up"... eleven years later
  "We're back!" It's amazing anyone even knew the
  password.
http://www.fnm.com/news/


  >> "Pronounced 'Gemmell'" <<
  Such is the power of Twitter that a software
  developer can feel justified in posting an
  audio guide to pronouncing his name... and
  within minutes someone else will have made a
  dance track taking the piss. BTW: they are all
  friends in real life - software development is
  like pro wrestling.
http://twitter.com/mattgemmell/status/1227154380
http://twitter.com/macdevnet/status/1227447853


  >> Cerrie Burnell <<
  This new, one-armed kids' TV presenter has been
  in the news a bit lately, for being too 'scary'
  for children. Anyway, this is her profile on
  the CBeebies website - check out her favourite
  game.
http://tinyurl.com/bm8469


  >> Frankie Boyle's website is fucking mental <<
  Panel show favourite Frankie Boyle has a
  website. And much like you'd expect, it has
  publicity pics, reviews and tour information.
  It's just that, for some reason, these are
  scattered through a rambling web comic which is
  mostly about suicide and the perverted sexual
  exploits of superheroes. We urge you to read it.
http://www.frankieboyle.com/


  >> Jurassic Park Erotic Fan Fiction <<
  Does not disappoint. The best website ever?
  Quite possibly.
http://ijpeffwa.friendsofsmash.co.uk/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  For those too busy to google their own lols

  >> Puppet Coldplay <<
  Lovely vid from Coldplay that reduces them all
  to marionettes performing at a village fete.
  Some nice touches and we particularly liked the
  horrid roadie.
http://www.coldplay.com/videolitii.php


  >> Literal Penny Lane <<
  The Beatles get the merciless literal video
  treatment. Horse montage! 'Nuff said.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Literal_Penny_Lane


  >> Rockers say: Do drugs <<
  Music video explaining how to manufacture
  illegal drugs using commonly-available
  pharmaceuticals from your local supermarket.
  The elaborate procedures you have to go through
  look, frankly, terrifying. Stick to the heroin,
  kids.
http://keithschofield.com/wintergreen/


  >> YouTube musical mash-up <<
  YouTube vids of people playing instruments all
  run together to create new tracks. Impressive
  stuff.
http://thru-you.com/


  >> The credit crisis visualised <<
  This has really been doing the rounds lately.
  And it's no surprise - a clearly-expressed
  explanation of why everything started to go to
  Hell in a hand-basket. TLDR: Greed.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Credit_Crisis_explained


  >> Rat staring contest <<
  The international rat stare-off season has
  begun once again. We go into the first round of
  playoff with a couple of very strong
  contenders. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2jEM5aHHJc


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Fat birds lols & a name change

  * DON'T GOOGLE IT, REALLY DON'T - Jannie
  splutters, "A company not a million miles from
  here has changed its name from Haden Building
  Management  to Balfour Beatty Workplace. The
  directors were allegedly gob-smacked when it was
  pointed out to them what you'd get by Googling
  BBW. I've just done it and BB Workplace doesn't
  even make it on to the first page of results."

  * YEAH YEAH YOU KNOW ABOUT THOMAS WANKER - he
  did the music on Buffy, but apparently he's so
  sick of Brits taking the piss on the internet,
  he's now changed his name to Thomas Wander.
  Poor old sod, he's waving the white flag of
  cowardice. Wankers should all stand proud.
  (thnx Timothy Pryde)
http://www.thomaswander.com/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Evolution Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to demonstrate 
  how animals will evolve in the future.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * CAT - the self-stroking mechanism will
    be a feline feature by the year 2274 
    (2 Can Chunder)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9220407

  * STANNAH - it's the evolution of Nan 
    (The Great Architect)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9217775

  * NECK - as buildings get taller, the 
    giraffe effortlessly adapts 
    (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/9217972

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/evolution/


  >> New challenge: Credit Crunch TV <<
  To mark the news that ITV is shedding 600 
  jobs, open up Photoshop and suggest 
  cheaper versions of well known TV and 
  Radio shows, showing how today's credit 
  crunch will affect tomorrow's television.
  Challenge suggested by The Great 
  Architect.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/creditcrunchtv/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * LINUX VOLUME MIXER - with words that will
  make men with beards go "Wooooo!", P-Nuts tells
  us, "Back in the dim and distant past of B3ta
  email 357 you asked for an INTERNET VOLUME
  MIXER. Well, I've made a program to enable
  that sort of thing, but only for super-geeky
  Linux types." As we're media arty gays who
  dream about Steve Jobs's penis, we're on Macs
  and have no idea about such dark arts, but
  still if you're that way inclined:
http://paclientmonitor.sourceforge.net/


  * TESCO VALUE BEN GOLDACRE - Le Brian belms,
  "Ask and ye shall receive - as requested in
  last week's newsletter, I present:"
http://www.thiscausescancer.com/


  * PEEP SHOW MARKETING PEOPLE HAVE HEARD OF B3TA
  - "The Peep Show characters are interacting
  live on Twitter in an experiment in interactive
  fiction and comedy", writes someone who works
  for a PR company. We wouldn't normally bother
  alerting you about such stuff, but we're mildly
  flattered that they've included a small shout
  out to the B3tans from DobbyElf.
http://twitter.com/peep_show/friends


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Ultimate Crab Battle 

  Jimkopelli shouts, "You lot have been slacking
  off and not putting games in your newsletters
  for a while - here, have one that skips all the
  tedious levelling up and collecting items and
  goes straight to the boss battle. It's as
  absurd as Burn The Rope while also being on a
  laser shark that poops torpedoes." This is win.
http://www.kongregate.com/games/wiesi/ultimate-crab-battle


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * DYSON GOOGLE BOMB - Robneymcplum says, "Maybe
  too late for this week's newsletter but that
  new advert on TV for the Dyson Ball hoover has
  ridiculously smug twat James Dyson on it, and
  at the end it smugly states 'just search the
  internet for Dyson Ball' Now, assuming people
  will and assuming they would use Google I would
  like as many people as possible to upload as
  many pictures as they can onto the web called
  Dyson Ball, therefore ruining his smug
  advertising plan. And hopefully some filth, for
  no other reason than to amuse me."

  * MAN LITTER EXPERIMENT - Sarah demands, "I
  want to know if it is possible for a man (or
  filthy woman) to use a cat litter tray for a
  week? What brand of cat litter is better at
  keeping the human smell at bay? Do you have to
  sieve the lumps out daily? Does it actually
  save you money in the long run? Pictures would
  be good."

  * MYLEENE KLASS WANK CHALLENGE - Sarah also
  demands, "On another note my boyfriend would
  like someone to knock one out whilst watching
  10 Years Younger." The challenge being
  presumably that although Myleene is a perfectly
  attractive woman, the cross cutting with old
  hags having their faces cut open might wither
  the old chap. Or maybe you like that sort of
  thing.

  Send contributions and suggestions for things
  YOU'D like to see via the magic that is the
  mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: We read everything. Even the "stop sending
  this bilge, you weren't funny in 2002, you're
  not funny now" ones. That doesn't mean we
  reply, as entering into dialogue about why
  we're shit makes us grouchy.

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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by mictoboy,
  leningrad, Tyronne, krang, Lee Robertson, Tim
  Helliwell, SiX, ben someaddress, Si o doom,
  beaverwastemanagement, heartfineart,
  the_log_knows, El Guirri, mr.dogshit, godawful
  Top Tippery by stopmeandslapme. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlol via Prof
  UnderCover. Care cups to b4ta.

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  TOP TIP:
  
  Email clients Outlook Express, Gmail, etc,
  won't allow you to send the message "You are a
  cunt". Try to send an email with that title to
  your boss, it won't let you.

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  SICKIPEDIA:
  
  The BBC has revealed its schedule for 9/11, it
  will be showing a double bill of Fawlty Towers.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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