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NEWSLETTER: "MAKING A PIG'S VAGINA OF IT"

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This Week:
* FEAR - sex-mad Anne Robinson
* GLOWING - glowstick toilet
* CUTE - baby costumes
* CONFUSED - our demographic

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "Sometimes we write
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    this newsletter 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      naked... together"

B3ta email 439 - 30 July 2010

Read this issue as a typed-in audiobook:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue439/

     Gay wasps:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Transgendered bees: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  B3ta advertising works!

  A few weeks back we ran an ad for
  StyTV who were hoping to find the next
  big comedy double act. They thought B3ta would
  be a great place to look. And you know what? It
  worked! So, introducing the winners as found
  through the newsletter: Dadd & Fryer! Their
  first challenge is to take £5 and become
  entrepreneurs. Being sort of useless, their big
  business idea is selling "egg portraits". Do
  they succeed or fail? Only one way to find out. 
http://bit.ly/stytv


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING #1
  Weakest Link, 90s & Budget beer

  >> The Weakest Link - Anne goes mental <<
  "I was bored, so this happened," confesses
  Slurpy J, as Anne Robinson derails a round of
  the Weakest Link to follow her own, predatory
  sexual agenda. Mind bleach, please. 
http://snurl.com/weakestlinkmadness


  >> 1990s <<
  "My wife often mocks me for being trapped in
  the 90s," bleeps melancholy Ginger Fuhrer Rob
  Manuel. "So I did a video/song about it." Like
  an M Night Shyamalan film, we won't ruin this
  by telling you there's a twist.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1990s


  >> Crap beer stunt <<
  Inspired by that enormously expensive beer
  that's sold in dead squirrels, Tom Scott
  attempts his own, super-budget version. Full
  marks for going through with it and for mailing
  it off to the brewing company asking for
  feedback.
http://www.tomscott.com/beer/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Guilty Laughs

  The best laughs are the ones that you really,
  really shouldn't be having. Go have some:
http://b3ta.com/questions/guiltylaughs/

  * MR JINGLES - "I have one of those friends who
   posts status updates to Facebosh to inform all
   of *everything* that happens in her life.
   Recently, her status updates ran thusly: [15:46]
   ...has just rescued a mouse from a horrible
   sticky mouse trap. Sooo cruel it was just,
   like, glued there! yay me! [16:11] Turns out the
   mouse lost quite a lot of fur and skin on his
   poor belly from the trap. I'm gonna nurse him
   all better and call him Mr Jingles like in the
   Green Mile! [16:39] Has just given Mr Jingles a
   soothing bath/wash and is gonna build him a
   little home to live in! He gonna be a circus
   mouse! ;o) [16:54] Mr Jingles is nibbling away
   at biscuit crumbs! Soooooo cute! [17:44] Would
   anyone like to come to Mr Jingles housewarming
   party? Hee hee! Found an old wooden box in the
   garage and have put some cotton wool and an old
   cat bowl of water in there for him! Don't tell
   anyone I've taken in a lodger! Hee Hee! x
   [18:29] OMG! I was only gone 5 minutes and Mr
   Jingles drowned in his water bowl :o( :o("
   (R. Jimlad)
     
  * KIT-E-SPLAT - "My friend Anthony loves animals.
   A few years back, he had two cats, Mel and Pepsi.
   One night he phoned me in floods of tears and
   told me that Pepsi had been run over. I made
   the appropriate soothing noises, waited for him
   to calm down, then offered to go down and keep
   him company. He said no, he'd just needed to
   tell someone and felt better now. I hung up the
   phone and turned to my neighbour Chris, who'd
   been watching telly with me. "What's up?" he
   asked. I told him about Anthony's cat. "Which
   one was it?" "Pepsi." "Ooh," says he, "there's
   nothing worse than flat Pepsi." I almost choked.
   (Smash Monkey)
     
  * KNIFEY - "I was on the phone to my Gran about
   a year ago, and she was telling me about the
   nasty cut she got on her hand while cutting
   some cheese. In great detail. She explained how
   much blood was dripping from her hand onto the
   floor, how she wrapped the wound in a tea towel,
   how she shuffled with her Zimmer frame to the
   bathroom, how she cleaned the wound and all
   the trouble of getting a plaster on before the
   bleeding finally stopped. I sat patiently and
   sympathetically listening to my poor old Gran's
   tale. Finally, she cleaned herself up, shuffled
   slowly though to the kitchen again, where the
   bloody knife was still sitting and slowly took
   it over to the sink, gave it a good wash, and
   then Zimmered back to the cheese-board, knife
   in hand. She positioned herself in front of the
   cheese-board, picked the knife up, and promptly
   dropped it, pointy tip downwards, into her foot.
   Fortunately my Gran is a bit deaf, and did not
   hear the strangled guffawing at my end as she
   explained how she had to shuffle back though to
   the bathroom with a sharp knife protruding from
   her foot, trying not to bump it with her Zimmer
   frame as she inched her way forward."
   (eukaryote)


  >> This Week's Question <<
  What's been your very ouchiest moment? Talk to
  us here and make us wince:
http://b3ta.com/questions/ouch/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Naughty wood animal kids' book <<
  Clever ad for German porn channel is rammed
  full of innuendo.
http://snurl.com/naughtynuts


  >> Disguised weapons <<
  Deadly weaponry, cunningly concealed as
  everyday household objects. Like if
  Transformers were real, but made out of small
  knives and coke cans.  
http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=84


  >> thingsididlastnight.com <<
  One of them there one-gag sites - made us
  giggle.
http://thingsididlastnight.com/


  >> Mila's Day Dreams <<
  Mila's mum clearly gets bored when her baby is
  asleep, so Mila winds up getting posed and
  photographed in lots of fantastic scenes.
  Someone needs to start doing this with drunk
  students, as it puts shaving eyebrows to shame.
http://milasdaydreams.blogspot.com/


  >> Can you guess what this is? <<
  Surprising reveal of peculiar decorative
  object. It looks a bit like delicious oreo
  biscuit, but it is not that. At all.
http://snurl.com/ohnowtf


  >> Edible cups <<
  Picnic glasses moulded out of jelly.
  Afterwards, throw them away or eat them.
  Probably throw them away, as they  look pretty
  unappetising.
http://snurl.com/jellycups


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING #2
  Trilogy lists, Geordies & TV hats

  >> Best trilogy ever? <<
  Spurred on by the release of Toy Story 3, "I've
  done a super-good analysis of all the movie
  trilogies ever," explains Zetsumetsu. He
  certainly raises a few eyebrows by choosing
  Twilight as mathematically the best movie
  trilogy of all time, but there's no arguing
  with Science. Ok, ok, that last sentence was a
  lie, just so you'd click the link.
http://snurl.com/besttrilogyever


  >> The Geordie mating song <<
  "More voiceovery silliness from me," brags
  Leemondus as he demonstrates how the Geordies
  charm each other to bed, and the birds from the
  trees.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Geordie_Mating_Song


  >> TV Hat around Shoreditch <<
  For those who've never seen a TV hat, it's
  essentially a techno-snood that more closely
  adheres to the crown of the head. Bubbling with
  enthusiasm, CR3 took his brand new gadget for a
  photo-shoot around Shoreditch. "BEST DAY EVER!"
  he slightly unconvincingly claims.
http://cr3ative.co.uk/tvhat/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Moving pixel shiny-shiny

  >> Two-legged kitten <<
  It's not really explained what happened to this
  baby cat's two front paws - perhaps they're
  just carelessly misplaced. Anyway, delight in
  his cute, kangaroo-like antics. Look, no hands!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Two_legged_kitten


  >> Dr Jones <<
  Indy gets a job at a school, but falls foul of
  bureaucratic headmaster Tom McDonnell. Lovely
  little musical number.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dr_Jones:2


  >> Cow poo fetish <<
  Jumping in puddles is fun, but cow-pats? Here's
  39 videos of people loving being up to their
  ankles in bullshit. Odd to suddenly stumble on
  a brand new, clearly popular, sexual kink.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_uzB1GxhUUk


  >> Keyboard man <<
  Nuance-perfect recreation of Keyboard Cat.
  We'd love to see this guy do Charlie Bit My
  Finger and Tub Girl.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Keyboard_man


  >> Make love! <<
  Saw an ad for this song on TV - oddly placed
  amongst the kids' programming - but actually a
  charming song telling everyone they should have
  more sex. We entirely agree - especially as it
  comes from a bloke who looks like an old Ben
  Goldacre. Ben Oldacre maybe.
http://snurl.com/makelove


  >> Toilet vs Glow-sticks! <<
  So what happens if you pour the contents of 32
  glow-sticks into a toilet cistern and then
  flush? You get some very high young blokes,
  giggling with delight, that's what.
http://snurl.com/bogrush


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Introducing Euan Kerr

  OK, the old joke is "Wayne Kerr" but we reckon
  "Euan Kerr" is one louder. itsDanBull writes,
  "He's the editor of the Beano. Not much on him
  online. Best I found is this Telegraph article
  where he hints that Walter The Softie is gay."
http://bit.ly/cLBW6z 


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Big Ben Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to work on
  London's most famous clock. And yes, we 
  know that Ben is actually the name of the 
  bell. But life's too short, etc.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * PISA - Ben heads to Italy for some
    hot architectural action (Bad Horsey)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10130915

  * FACTS - the truth about Ben, told via
    the medium of info-graphic (sepang)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10131076

  * SAD - Ben's hopes for recognition 
    cruelly dashed (Joe Scaramanga)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10131281

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/bigben/


  >> New challenge: Prequels <<
  These week's challenging challenge is to 
  invent the movie & TV prequels to famous 
  films: The Dambuilders, Reservoir 
  Puppies, Indiana Jones & The Second-Last 
  Crusade, etc. Mental.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/prequels/


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: FRIDAY GAME
  International Karate

  Old nerds will be in rapture at this
  pixel-perfect recreation of the Commodore 64
  game International Karate. We managed to get
  through the first few levels by kicking and
  then gave up. Exactly as we played it 25 years
  ago.
http://www.international-karate.de.vu/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * ALCO TRAMPS! Just swilled out our mouths with
  mouthwash and wondering how much of this stuff
  would get you drunk? Please try this so we
  don't have to.

  * SINGING FLESHLIGHTS - looking at the
  Wikipedia page on this wank-aid, we reckon you
  could squeeze the opening and sync it with some
  singing. Maybe get four of them and do Bohemian
  Rhapsody.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fleshlight

  * TECH LIFE-LAUNDRY - somebody to come round
  out house and eBay all the useless old tech we
  accumulate my buying the flavour-of-the-month
  gadgets, Kindles, iPads, Palm Pilots etc.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by summerfieldmartin,
  sinisterduck, social hand grenade, thomchem,
  masakatsu, aMac, chickenlady, Ariaxen, Pew Pew
  Pew! Lasers! NIKCY HEWGILLL, Dave! Top Tippery
  by MeekMan. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by   Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke. Saxenfraxenraxen to b4ta.
  
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TOP TIP:

  Never watch YouTube videos while signed in on a
  computer you share with your partner. The front
  page always displays recommendations quoting
  the videos you've watched (for instance
  "Recommended for you - The Armando Iannucci
  Shows - App...Because you watched The Armando
  Iannu...") That example was fairly innocuous
  but when the front page is flooded with Cheryl
  Cole, Katy Perry and cow manure clips, you may
  find it difficult to explain away.
  

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