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NEWSLETTER: "ASK DAVID HASSELHOFF YOUR QUESTIONS"

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This Week:
* CAT GIF + MUSIC - The best thing ever
* WHISTLING - taken to a whole new level
* CONSPIRACY - Your pet theories explained

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      Euro... together"

B3ta email 508 - 9 Dec 2011

Sum of four consecutive primes (113+127+131+137):
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue508/

       Lovers:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
      Shits:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINKY
  2 for 1 on comedy tickets

  Dan is here to tell you all about Dave's latest
  offer. (Whereas Dan, on the other hand, has
  principles goddammit). 
http://youtu.be/JYl5XOrvVjQ


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Bears, Nazis, Jesus, Beans & Ham

  >> Coke Polar Bears find a wormhole <<
  Coca Cola's new Christmas advert takes an
  unwarranted turn. "I'm doing 25 vids leading
  up to Christmas" explains an ambitious dogfood,
  "This is only no.2."
http://goo.gl/1jzZY


  >> Freigeist <<
  "This weekend I made a game with 3 random guys
  I didn't know at all (from Australia and the
  USA - what a time zone nightmare!)" explains
  MarkP0rter. Use the power of hallucinations
  (and your arrow keys) to escape the death camp
  of nazi lizards.
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/585053


  >> Jesus (Baby with a Beard) <<
  "Dear mister rob," comes the little note down
  our chimney. "Please can you give our festive
  nativity video a shout in your mailout?" Knut &
  the Gang have truly blown the special effects
  budget for this sacrilegious Christmas miracle.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_1nJPEs5SU


  >> Baked Beanz <<
  "This is a bit weird - that's why I thought I'd
  plop it on b3ta first," offers totally eustus,
  proving that beans are indeed the musical fruit.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Baked_Beanz


  >> Ham. Ham ham HAM HAM HAMHAMHAMHAMHAMHAMHAM <<
  "We made a ham thing!" squeals Joel Veitch,
  reminding us of the true meaning of Christmas.
  Dressing your friend's wife in a ham bikini,
  crushing things with a pig's leg, digitally
  adding flames. FYI: All of Joel's home videos
  are like this.
http://b3ta.com/links/Ham_For_Victory


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: ASK DAVID HASSELHOFF
  He's touring UK and we're asking him stuff

  David Hasselhoff is doing some UK gigs ('An
  Audience With...' kind of thing; anecdotes and
  even singing) and we figured it would be fun to
  get B3tans to ask him some questions. The plan
  is we'll go and meet him on Monday, armed with
  your questions, video it, and stick it all
  online. So what do you fancy asking him? C'mon,
  you must have a question for the Hoff? 
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/AskDavidHasselhoff/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Conspiracy Theories

  Last week we asked for your favourite conspiracy
  theories - the ones so good you almost believe
  them. Tinfoil time:
http://b3ta.com/questions/conspiracytheories/

  * BADGER BADGER BADGER - "When I was wee, my
   family would amuse ourselves on the interminable
   car journey to Devon by counting the roadkill
   and guessing what it was; a macabre version
   of those iSpy books. "A badger!" I exclaimed,
   pointing out of the window with glee at a
   mutilated corpse on the hard shoulder. 'Don't
   be silly,' my mum said, a smile playing at her
   lips that at the age of seven I was yet to
   recognise as 'I am going to troll my child for
   shits and giggles', 'Badgers don't exist.' The
   world I thought I knew was a fiction. Those
   funny black-and-white big-rat animals were in
   fact entirely made-up. What else was untrue?
   I had already dealt with the discovery that
   Santa, God and the Tooth Fairy were lies. Was
   anything real any more? I whimpered. 'But that
   looked like a badger,' I protested. 'They're
   pretend,' my mum insisted. 'Someone plants them
   on the roadside as a trick.' For years, I took
   it to be true. Badgers weren't real. It stayed
   with me until my teenage years, when a chubby,
   awkward Queen of Cheesecake decided to show off
   her superiority by correcting someone who
   claimed to have seen a badger. 'Don't be silly,'
   I said. 'Badgers don't exist.' The chorus of
   laughter still rings in my ears." 
   (Queen of Cheesecake)
	 
  * TITS TITS TITS - "The X-Files, the cult 90s
   Sci-fi TV series created by Chris Carter was
   all about alien invasions and conspiracies and
   would Agents Mulder and Scully get it on. However
   you may not have realised that there was a hidden
   agenda behind the series. No one asks why he was
   called Fox. It isn't a common name and it's never
   questioned in the series. Some think that it is
   because the program is made by 20th Century FOX,
   but this misses the hidden message. One of the
   driving points was Mulder's search for his
   missing sister. Mulder's missing sister is
   called Samantha. Add her brother's name and you
   get 80s Page 3 Stunna, Samantha Fox. Chris
   Carter was in league with 20th Century Fox,
   which is owned by Rupert Murdoch, to bring the
   Sun newspaper, also owned by Rupert Murdoch,
   and Page 3 girls to the US through subliminal
   mentions of its biggest star. This may seem far
   fetched but if you read the X-Files encyclopeda
   and look closely at the original script on
   page 18 you can see that in the first draft,
   Agent Scully was originally called Agent
   Busty McTitts." (lordofallhesurveys)
	 
  * MM DD YY - "Americans only put their dates
   in the wrong order to make it look as if they
   have a large number of very short months. The
   rationale behind this is currently unknown, but
   is undoubtedly sinister." (StapMyVitals)


  >> This Week's: Biggest sexual regret <<
  We'd like your biggest sexual regrets:
http://b3ta.com/questions/sexyregrets/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Animated cat GIFS + music <<
  The internet always seemed a bit pointless.
  UNTIL NOW.
http://procatinator.com 

  
  >> 9/11-inspired office block <<
  Not sure we'd like to work here very much.
  Also the trees are an optimistic touch;
  the wind there would be awful.
http://twurl.nl/om2t4c
  
  
  >> 3D comic <<
  Not shitty Hollywood 3D, more like the parallax
  scrolling you'd get in ambitious 8-bit
  fighting games like Way of the Tiger. Keeping
  our references up to date there.
http://hobolobo.net/


  >> Genetic portraits <<
  Guy photoshops together members of the same
  family, with fascinating results.
http://goo.gl/Gipf7


  >> The 53 worst family Christmas photos <<
  Amusingly goofy-looking families. But remember,
  a family is the best defence against all the
  shit the world throws at you, even if they are
  terminally uncool.
http://www.topito.com/top-pires-photos-famille-noel


  >> Microwave for One book <<
  Amusing reviews - "It used to be that I got
  home from work and the only thing I'd want to
  put in my mouth was the cold barrel of my
  grandfather's shotgun. Then I discovered Sonia
  Allison's Chicken Tetrazzini, and now there
  are two things."
http://goo.gl/KAGGL


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Exactly like TV, without the depressing news

  >> David Attenborough's Wonderful World <<
  The BBC's most incredible nature-porn, combined
  with Attenborough's mellifluous tones - what a
  wonderful world indeed.
http://t.co/9d16I5Vp


  >> 90s Computer games addiction <<
  A premonitory warning from 1990, as TV cameras
  follow the plight of a 13-year-old boy addicted
  to playing games. Now we're all at it.  
http://www.f1a.me/b2L33


  >> Epic whistler <<
  Chunk of talk show gold, as a luxuriantly
  be-mulleted man whistles his heart out. Worth
  checking out faces in audience, as people are
  simultaneously delighted and bemused.
http://t.co/IMg71hFH


  >> Fun with maths <<
  Enthusiastic mathematician James Grime explains
  how to work out the shortest road between four
  towns. Genuinely ace and reminded us of really
  enjoying maths at school (but pretending not to
  because it just wasn't cool).
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Math


  >> School portrait <<
  Jaded photographer tries to teach kids to be
  unhappy. The result is, of course, adorable.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/School_portrait


  >> Operatic human road bridge <<
  It seems unfair to criticise this bloke's ability
  to hold a tune, as he's lying in the ground and
  being driven over by cars. Repeat this stunt for
  the X-Factor final please.
http://youtu.be/6DKgstOctyQ


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Funny as "funny bone" not "funny ha ha"

  * CLIFF "THE VAGINA HUNTER" RICHARD - an
  amusing edit on Wikipedia caught by Google.
http://goo.gl/lkOkF


  * DUTCH POLITICIAN - tomtarrell writes, "One
  for your funny names corner. The unfortunately
  named Dutch politician, Mr Tiny Kox. He
  probably drives a Ferrari."
http://goo.gl/j40HT


  * GOATSE BOOK - aljwhite writes, "I was
  looking for economics books on Amazon.
  Surprised to find a Goatse." Hmm, never
  realised Superman was just a big goatse.
http://goo.gl/J0u8w


  * MORE SCAT - dazsnow writes, "Jumping on the
  scat bandwagon, there is a popular clothing
  band that you'll find in shopping centres in
  China, alongside H&M, Zara and so on. It's
  called 'Scat' and despite selling mainly pink
  girly styles and me being a manly man, I once
  ventured into the shop just to ask the
  assistants what exactly they thought 'Scat'
  meant in English. 'Why, Sexy Cat of course'
  came the reply. Well that's cleared that one
  up then. This link is all in Chinese but the 3
  English words add testimony to my report."
http://baike.baidu.com/view/1680863.htm


  * HAIRY EBAY AUCTION - @themella writes,
  "Looks like a bear that's clipper-shaved
  everything but its wrists."
http://goo.gl/hkOlX


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Acronyms Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to misinterpret
  acronyms, or invents new ones

  Your favourites included:
 
  * NSFW - whatever you do, don't click.
    Just don't (Bobby Bob Bob)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10620052

  * DRIFT - spectacular driving from 
    wheelchair-bound physicist (E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10623734

  * B3TA - mighty yet disturbing Star Wars/
    Total Recall mashup (Q4nobody.co.uk)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10620102

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/new-acronyms/


  >> New challenge: NASA <<
  This week's challenge is to boldly go 
  where no man has been before, and 'shop 
  NASA's extensive photo archive. Moon 
  stuff. Space ships, etc.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/nasa/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * FREE HAPPYTOAST XMAS CARDS - "Blue Peter
  style original artwork for sale and general
  charity tin shaking", offers tip-top
  photoshop gent HappyToast.
http://www.happytoast.co.uk/Xmas11.html


  * SEXY YEAST BREAD - sittingduck writes, "Is
  it possible to make dough with flour and a
  yeast infection? Sort of... a lactobacillus can
  be used; it's at least partly related to the
  Candida-type of yeast that causes thrush. Both
  are present in the healthy human body. The
  bread is called sourdough. To make sourdough,
  get some bread flour (wholemeal is best for
  the starter), add water till it's a sort of
  spunk-consistency paste, and let the yeast in
  the air get to it. Wave it around your kitchen
  for a bit. Then cover it with cling-film and
  stick it somewhere warm for a week till it's
  bubbly. Next, find one of the 100,000,000
  sourdough recipes online on how to make it.
  It's trickier than the packets but tastes
  awesome."


  * CYRIAK INTERVIEW - the king of Adobe
  After Effects fesses up all.
http://goo.gl/zL5Mx


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Estimate your piss

  The next time you need a wee, take a guess at
  the quantity (1 pint? 2 pints?). Carry at least
  four pint glasses to the loo and see if you're
  right. To play this game is to win.


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * COMIC SANS BANDS  - Do a project where you
  remake band logos and album covers with comic
  sans. And clipart.

  * LEGO DEFRAG - Araucaria asks, "I'd put
  together a Lego construction with the kids and
  had the urge to rearrange the bricks so the
  colours were grouped instead of being mixed up.
  What it needed was a Lego defrag, but I'm too
  talentless to animate such a thing, so if
  anyone wants an idea..."

  * TURNIP CAKE - Can you make a carrot cake but
  use turnips?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Sexy people:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Wankers:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by some twat with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @Webboinit,
  mart.simpson, oAmadeuso, Hellzapoppin,
  a_gnome, Tribs, Beau Bo D'Or, sinisterduck,
  bigandclever, @sadeagle, @TheMichaelMoran,
  King Ralph, GoldBarr & augsav. Top Tippery by
  Theophilous Thunderwulf. Additional linkage
  and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
  Trinder is QOTW bloke.

  
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  TOP TIP:
  Save money on expensive toilet paper by wanking
  straight into the toilet.

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