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NEWSLETTER: "BROGRAMMERS: CODERS WHO LOVE BRO-JOBS"

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This Week:
* FACEBOOK - On its way out?
* LAST BLOOD - Rambo/Spectrum tribute
* TOILETS - your surprising opinions

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're injecting heroin
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   into our toes to keep
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     warm... together"

B3ta email 526  - 27 Apr 2012

Read this issue doing an impersonation of Siri:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue526 

   Subs :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Blubs : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  30m of ethernet cable for three quid

  This week we've finally tackled making the
  internet work properly on the TV. The wireless
  was too iffy and, whatever we tried, those
  magic plugs and repeaters couldn't get a
  reliable signal. So we thought fuck it, bought
  30m of cable and used cable clips to make it
  follow the skirting board. Wish we'd done it
  years ago. We can now do all the cool modern
  stuff like controlling the telly from our iPad
  (via Boxee) and streaming movies from our NAS
  box. Fuck yeah. It's like living in 2009.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000IAHNRK/b3ta-21  
  
  
  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Buy some ads so we don't have to pimp ethernet
  cable. FFS.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Facebook, Fish, Wanking and Politics

  >> Facebook is killing itself <<
  "Does every website, corporation, institution
  or even pan-global empire eventually collapse
  under the weight of its own arrogance?" asks
  Dan Bull. "I made a rap song full of easter
  eggs, with the help of fellow B3tan null. Now
  I'm trying to get it into the charts."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Facebook_is_killing_itself


  >> The Abyssal Zone: Nature's lava lamp <<
  "I have spent the last few weeks painstakingly
  cutting up footage of scary-looking fish from
  Blue Planet," confesses video-fishmonger Mr
  Eraserhead. "This is the result."
http://bit.ly/Iw5jyE


  >> Base Wanking <<
  "I made a new thing with butters innit dude!"
  exclaims Joel Veitch. "It's a celebration of
  the glory that is Base Wanking, and it's also
  the rudest and most juvenile animation in the
  history of man." You've been warned.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Base_Wanking


  >> Ian Bowler's Electile Dysfuntion Ep 3 <<
  "Right-wing dogsbody and mayoral candidate Sir
  Ian deals with setbacks on the campaign trail
  in a typically dignified and restrained way,"
  writes alter-ego Natt Tapley. NSFW some swears.
http://bit.ly/JK78v3


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: YOUR THOUGHTS ON TOILET MACERATORS
  They chop up your poo and go whrrr!
  
  * NOISY - "They chopped the poos down into a
  pulp and sounded like a chainsaw, couldn't use
  it at night because it woke everyone up. Never
  remember it blocking, however!"

  * FIRE - krang writes, "My girlfriend had one
  at her rented house. I did a really big poo
  that it couldn't handle and it caught fire.
  The fire brigade turned up and everything. I
  didn't tell them what had caused the fire."

  * SPEW - sanity challenged writes, "We had one
  where I used to work. Unfortunately the dream
  of having one you'll never need to clean is
  short-lived - it wasn't long before the thing
  regularly blocked up, spewing ground-up waste
  back into the bowl. And this was in a shop
  full of ladies who were slightly phobic of
  pooing in public, so it was only dealing with
  loo roll. Manly mega-dumps may make it
  explode."

  BTW: The general use of a macerator isn't to
  flush big poos but to allow a toilet to be
  fitted in a room with only a narrow drain.
  Popular in guesthouses and crappy flat
  conversions.
  
  BTW2: Bela Lugosi's Dad recommends, "Can't
  help with your chod-churning issues but I
  can't recommend Harpic Power Plus toilet
  cleaner highly enough. I bought it to clean
  under the rim but it decimates panslime like
  nothing I've seen, you don't have to do any
  more. And you can get it in Poundland. I'm so
  alone."


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Sporting Woe

  We asked for your memories of organised sport,
  mostly to see if it was as bad for you as was
  for us. It was. Read on:
http://b3ta.com/questions/sports/

  * MAGNET CHICKEN - "Working at the local tip
  over one summer we invented MAGNET CHICKEN.
  The rules are simple, climb inside an empty
  skip and take it in turn to throw magnets at
  one another. Your average tip is lousy with
  discarded stereos; a swift toecap to the
  speakers yields a collection of magnets. As
  your empty skip is basically a 5m long steel
  corridor, a thrown magnet will veer off and
  stick to the wall with a wonderful 'SPANG'
  noise. The aim of the game is to see how hard
  you dare to throw a magnet at your friend. So
  I tossed the first magnet, pitifully it
  slammed into the left wall whole feet away
  from my opponent. He retaliated by overarm
  bowling a 3lb monster from a car subwoofer at
  me at lightning speed. 'WANN-NNG!' the whole
  skip reverberated as this thing slammed into
  the wall next to my head, missing my eye by
  millimetres. "You cunt, have some of... THIS!"
  I replied wrenching the magnet from the skip
  and hurling it back at him. My cack-
  handedness resulted in the magnet clearing the
  top of the skip and landing out of sight with
  an almighty reverberating KER-SPANG. Leaping
  out of the skip we were confronted by a
  horrifying sight. A middle-aged man,
  pale-faced and shaking with terror was frozen
  to the spot, halfway through removing an oven
  from his boot. An oven with a crater-sized
  dent in it, centered around a speaker magnet."
  (willenium)
     
  * REVENGE - "The Kids Who Were Shit At Sports
  had to set athletics stuff up for the Kids Who
  Were Good At Sports. So we used to make all
  the hurdles different heights, and random
  distances apart. It was fun to watch from the
  sides." (Pope Shax IX)
     
  * 'LYMPICS - "The Paralympics is PE gone mad."
  (browser)


  >> This Week - Morning After Souvenirs <<
  Woken up clutching something you've no memory
  of obtaining, let alone what it is? Talk
  through the hangover here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/morningaftersouvenirs/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Make any website 3D <<
  Creative abuse of CSS lets you render most
  websites as a disorientating cluster of
  hovering rectangles. And they want to eat your
  eyes.
http://www.edankwan.com/lab/3dit 


  >> Logical fallacy poster <<
  A handy giant-sized poster, to help you win
  all internet arguments. Or at least a handy
  reference as to why they leave you so annoyed.
http://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/poster


  >> American Civil War photos <<
  Fascinating collection of mid 19th-century
  photos detailing people and places of the
  American Civil War. 
http://bit.ly/A3goLb


  >> Fake identity generator <<
  Slightly sinister site that randomly creates
  new personal details for filling out forms
  anonymously.
http://www.fakenamegenerator.com/


  >> Read Korean in 15 minutes! <<
  Comic strip talks you through the deceptively
  simple Korean alphabet.
http://ryanestradadotcom.tumblr.com/post/20461267965


  >> Nyan Waites <<
  Does what it says on the tin.
http://nyanwaits.com/


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: HOW TO MAKE TODDLERS SLEEP
  Your tips shared
  
  * TIN FOIL - Ndusting writes, "Kids can and will
  sleep past 05:30 but the room needs to be
  blacked out. In Spain we have true blackout
  blinds; otherwise they will wake as soon as
  there's any light. One trick we used at my
  in-laws place on the coast; tin foil on the
  windows does the same job. My brother in law
  took the piss... until the following morning
  when they were up again at 05:00 and we slept
  until 07:30."

  * SPECIAL ALARM CLOCK - [Name lost] recommends
  a this awesome alarm clock that trains your
  children to stay in bed by displaying a moon
  at night and a sun in the day. MOON MEANS
  SLEEP. LEARN IT CHILD PIGEON.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B002APJCNE/b3ta-21


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like a video tape but using internet

  >> Wolverhampton tourism 1972 <<
  Got a time machine but no money? Why not
  vacation in the scenic Black Country town
  known as 'the Venice of the Midlands'.
  Wonderful archive footage. BTW: Make sure you
  check out other John Swallow vids on the
  archive - legendary and amusing Midlands
  reporter.
http://bit.ly/lRCjuv


  >> Ain't Nobody Got Time For That <<
  Sweet Brown's house burning down earlier this
  month was a real bonanza for the internet's
  lolmongers. Here's her amazing interview
  autotuned into something quite extraordinarily
  catchy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFEoMO0pc7k 


  >> "Say no to unplanned pregnancy" <<
  Another amazing ad, from the team that brought
  you Chuck Testa. Hilarious and knowing.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/say_no_to_unplanned_pregnancy


  >> Tactical gameshow move or madness? <<
  Tense showdown at the end of supercomplex game
  show Golden Balls. It's basically the
  Prisoner's Dilemma, where both contestants try
  to predict the other's move - then one takes
  matters into his own hands. Action starts at
  2:35.
http://bit.ly/Ih34C3


  >> Flying geometry <<
  Crazy, rotating shape propels itself by
  flipping inside out, like the hovering Rubik's
  Snake from our anxiety dream last night.
http://bit.ly/HVsZP4


  >> Brilliant YouTube comment <<
  Much, much funnier than it sounds. Bloke
  creases up as he reads out a message from a
  fan, whose abuse of English borders on genius.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Man_Laughs_at_Youtube_Comment


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: FOLLOW FRIDAY
  Des'ree and her shit lyrics
    
  Des'ree once sang "I don't want to see a ghost
  / It's a sight that I fear most / I'd rather
  have a piece of toast." A rhyme so notoriously
  banal that few have forgotten it. Including
  this newly created parody account featuring
  such delights as "Murdoch is quite an old man.
  He's not young like that Gok Wan. Listening to
  Duran Duran. Missing Madeleine McCann."
https://twitter.com/desree_life


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: FRIDAY GAMEY GAME TIME
  Rambo's Last Blood

  Celebrating 30 years of Sinclair Spectrum this
  week with this experimental sequel to Rambo:
  First Blood (which was basically a remake of
  Commando). Here Rambo dies and attempts to
  atone for the pain he's caused, by hugging
  the souls of the dead.
http://www.javidpower.com/lastblood/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Superheroes Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to create new 
  hoaxes

  Your favourites included:

  * HELL - life hasn't been the same for Anung
  Un Rama since he moved the family to Peckham
  (ham o' shanter)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10750384

  * PUSSY: 	 takes a back seat
  after an unpleasant visit to the vet (Ninj)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10749273

  * ARMED: in which Dr. Otto Gunther Octavius
  packs the shopping in near- record time
  (HappyToast) 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10748108

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/superheroes/


  >> New challenge: Disappointment <<
  What form does it take? What causes it? This
  week's challenge is to show us what
  disappointment looks like.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/disappointment/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * ORDINARY DAY FOR CHARITY - All that jumping
  out of planes and marathons dressed as a cow?
  Foolish, wasted effort, according to
  Mushybees. Watch his pitch here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uld0JM1Em-s


  * PURPLESTOCK II - Professor Kenny Martin
  writes, "I'm running Purplestock again this
  year; the charity gig that I started in memory of
  Jess. This year's is on May the 5th, in Derby.
  Is there any chance of a mention in next
  week's newsletter please?"
http://www.purplestock.co.uk


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include... Ah fuck
  it, here's some thoughts about e-paper.

  * E-WALLPAPER - imagine Kindle screen
  electronic paper all over your wall. You could
  change your wallpaper with an app. Or change
  your friends' wallpaper to cocks and alter the
  password.

  * E-PAPER KINDLE COVERS - imagine if your
  electronic books actually broadcast via the
  cover what you were reading? 

  * E-INK TATTOOS - why even have a Kindle when
  you could read Pride & Prejudice on your e-ink
  tattooed penis? Genius UI - If you need big
  print then just get an erection.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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    Friends:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Twats:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @TomChivers,
  mitsusproogi, Fadgebadger, TheTrampSurveyor,
  @editorialgirl, @viralfactory, @blanalive,
  @seth_weisfeld, WiL, unclepills, Smale, jams,
  @GigerPunk, @The_Tonks Image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols inspired by @DanielKelly84.
    
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Convince people you own an iPhone by ending
  all of your emails with the line: Sent from my
  iPhone. (Woodlouse)

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