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NEWSLETTER: "HANDED TO DAVID CAMERON ON A PIECE OF CARD"

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This Week:
* OBAMA - cellphone footage leaked
* HORDAK - what's he up to?
* FUCK YOU - Daily Mail, says podcaster

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're recording MP3s     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   on C90s and sending 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    them via pigeon..."

B3ta email 554  - 9 Nov 2012

Read this issue out to Siri to confuse it:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue554 

   Wanks :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   No wanks : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: PLAY THE FULL ENGLISH GAME
  (Sponsored link)
  
  Oldskool adventure web game, brought bang up to
  date by Channel 4 Comedy, featuring the voices
  of Richard Ayoade and Kayvan Novak. Play it now
  before it's removed and we all go to jail for
  making obscene jokes. It's for a new animated
  sitcom, you know. You can also win artwork
  signed by the cast. Get playing, you sods.
http://www.channel4.com/fullenglish


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
 
  >> Where are my fucking keys?? <<
  "Can't find your fucking keys?" chirps Golden
  Age b3tan reverend_dan. "Well, I made this with
  a co-worker, after a distressing key-related
  incident that could have been prevented. It's a
  public fucking service."
http://wherethefuckdidileavemykeys.com/


  >> Surprising retro toy review <<
  "This might be for a bit of a niche audience,"
  worries shoepie. "But I hope you enjoy it." For
  anybody who's missing Hordak...
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Surprising_Retro_Toy_Review


 >> Light-plotter = 4D printer <<
  Such is the outlandish claim of Ben RethinkFX.
  "This animation is shot entirely in-camera, the
  figure having been animated in 3DS Max and then
  plotted by my custom-built 3D light painting
  system." Clever stuff.
http://www.rethinkfx.com/projects/lightplot


  >> Old-school phone-porn <<
  "For no reason whatsoever," begins Mr
  Eraserhead, "I started collecting vintage smut
  featuring telephones with curly wires and now I
  can't stop." Curly, curly 70s smut, about as NSFW
  as you like. Those phones *are* weirdly sexual
  - wonder what the fetish will be in
  contemporary stuff.
http://telefonosexy.tumblr.com/


  >> Leaked White House tape <<
  Obama's cameraphone footage leaked - sadly just
  too late to save America from four more years.
  Ah well. "We made this the other weekend to be
  all hard-hitting and political and that,"
  explain a sheepish Cope&Dalton.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Leaked_White_House_Tape


  >> The Human Condition <<
  "Been away for a while being a responsible dad
  and stuff," writes swedemason. "Back on it
  now." If you ever wondered why people with no
  jobs feel like crap, look no further than this
  hypochondriac mashup. Jesus Christ, our bodies
  are crumbling to dust and Jeremy Kyle still
  exists.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Human_Condition


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: SMALL SYNTH, BIG SOUNDS
  Novation MiniNova synthesizer (sponsored link) 

  MiniNova is a mini-synth with a monster of a
  sound-engine. It also has  a super-powerful
  Vocoder and VocalTune effect. You can plug other
  instruments into MiniNova and run them through
  the effects and Vocoder (and Rob Manuel wants
  one ;-) WATCH VIDEO
http://bit.ly/TyNkeF


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Water, Boats and all that Floats
  
  Last week we asked for your maritime stories.
  Worth it for the photo of Branson:
http://b3ta.com/questions/waterboatsfloats

  * SHARK - "My first-ever night dive, already
  apprehensive. After an ill-advised beer, me and
  my two friends jump off the back of the boat,
  grab the anchor rope, and begin a slow 30m
  decent. If you've ever been off-shore at night,
  you'll know it's completely black. Turn your
  torch off and you're not even sure if your eyes
  are open. Eerie as fuck. I reached the anchor
  first, and glanced over my shoulder to check on
  the two spots of light approaching, when the
  rear light shot up rapidly. The front light
  spun round. Both shot forwards, backwards, up,
  down, round and fucking round; weird jerky
  movements like they were being attacked. With
  no frame of reference, my head shut down.
  Everything spatial disintegrated. I panicked,
  squeezed my eyes shut and tried to think about
  anything else other than where the fuck I was.
  The nausea passed, but after spinning around
  and screaming bubbles, I was just suspended in
  blackness. I very slowly began sweeping my
  outstretched torch hand in a circle. About
  halfway through I spotted some rocks  thank
  fuck, the sea bed. I managed to find the anchor
  and surfaced, "I lost me mates! I think a
  fucking shark got them! A FUCKING SHARK!"
  "Alright, calm down," said... my mates. Behind
  them a Japanese woman, an instructor with a
  group of novices, explained she'd thought us
  part of her group who'd gone in unprepared.
  She'd wrestled them back to the surface. Now,
  if someone's late, these same friends always
  ask, "You don't think a FUCKING SHARK'S got
  them?" Twats.
(Wet-chinned bag shanker)
  
  * ROPE - "So there I am, on a nice, little run
  down to the final marker at the end of a race
  when I capsized. Bugger, arse, shit. So have a
  quick glance at the ropes before righting, just
  to make sure nothing is tangled. "Red and
  white, main; fine. Yellow, vang; fine. Black
  and yellow... black and yellow? Which one is
  black and... Holy bejeebus-sweet-mother
  -of-fuck" I do a rather good impression of a
  submarine-launched ballistic missile as I exit
  the water vertically and cling for dear life to
  the top of the boat, as far aware from that
  bastard as possible. Outside of breeding season
  they're fairly docile; but finding a sea snake
  next to you is never much fun."
(SpangleDangle)
  
  * ANCHOR - "I used to work as a flotilla
  skipper in the Greek Islands. You get to guide
  a bunch of novices around the islands, briefing
  them in the morning and dealing with the chaos
  in the evening mooring of 12 yachts in a small
  harbour. In the last yacht: drop anchor,
  reverse in, tie up, cold G&T. Well, in this
  case not quite. It was a tricky mooring and I
  had to lay out a 2nd anchor using the
  inflatable tender. I've done this so many
  times: you sit the anchor on top of the tender
  and give it large in reverse, to pull the
  anchor and chain away from the yacht and drop
  it in the deeper water. Except when the chain
  ran out, the sharp part of the anchor punctured
  the tender, causing one side to deflate rapidly
  with a large bang. Now I had the attention of
  everybody in the harbour. The anchor stayed
  stuck the RIB, slowly pulling it and the still
  running engine under water. I jumped in to free
  it, only to get it caught in my shorts - the
  only way to avoid being dragged down to the
  seabed was to release the belt on my shorts and
  say goodbye to my radio and wallet. Climbing
  into my friend's wee boat, she and the harbour
  got to see I'd also said goodbye to my
  underpants."
(Muntered Tinny)


  >> This Week - DESTRUCTION & DEMOLITION <<
  What's the biggest thing you've taken down?
  Please don't say you did it carefully.
http://b3ta.com/questions/deconstruction/


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: CHRISTMAS GIFTS FOR UNDER A TENNER
  via Brainbox Candy (sponsored link)

  Secret Santa has the ability to turn people into
  dribbling wrecks. Make it easy this year and
  head over to Brainbox Candy, where the choice of
  hilarious gifts for under a tenner, plus next
  day delivery, means you'll actually get
  something decent for a change. Also check out
  their outrageous Xmas cards.
http://www.brainboxcandygallery.com/page28.htm


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Saccharine facebook sentiment <<
  If your social media feed isn't overflowing
  with revolting, syrupy bullshit, here's a
  gallery of inspiration to snark at.
http://vomitinducing.tumblr.com/


  >> 27b/6 hostile work environment <<
  Curmudgeonly graphic designer David Thorne
  scans in the many complaints made against him
  by hapless workmate Simon.
http://www.27bslash6.com/f26a.html


  >> Creepy surveillance cameraman <<
  Bloke wanders round Seattle, filming people
  without their permission. His point being to
  contrast how how angry we get when a person
  sticks a camera in our face, with how passive
  we are about surveillance recordings.
http://bit.ly/RvPsln


  >> A slower speed of light <<
  Clever computer game from MIT uses the laws of
  special relativity. Your aim? Match the speed
  of light by collecting objects, while the
  behaviour of the universe around you changes
  from your increased speed.
http://bit.ly/RJk5Yh


  >> People playing chess on rollercoasters <<
  Inspired by an xkcd comic, some excellent,
  cerebral posing at amusement parks.
http://xkcd.com/chesscoaster/


  >> 90s music magazine archive <<
  Specifically, this is b3tan Monkeon's
  meticulous archive of top 90s music mag Select.
  A treat for the nostalgic, or actual young
  people researching some sort of ironic revival.
http://selectmagazinescans.monkeon.co.uk/?cat=686


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: AMAZON TAT
  Useful guff and the occasional funny review

  * SOAK YOUR NUTS - possibly the best book title
  ever and the woman on the cover looks so
  pleased to offer you a nut-soaking, how could
  you say no?
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1570672644/b3ta-21


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV with a 15 sec ad break every two mins

  >> Banthapug <<
  Cute. Nerd-fluffy. Watch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjighCDPt-k


  >> Cockney Romney <<
  If Mitt Romney had won the election, we'd be
  demanding to see his passport about now
  because, well, listen to this. Comment win by
  BertnotErnie: "Romney, you plonker."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cockney_Romney


  >> Morphing paper fish <<
  It is a vase? Is it a fish? Is it a hat? Or
  some unspeakable combination of all three??
  Aï aï cthulhu ftagn.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Morphing_paper_fish


  >> Fuck you Daily Mail <<
  Softly-spoken, but telling attack on the
  cynical fucks who run the UK's most popular
  news website. Uh, we just need to check if
  we're running one of their ads this week. Okay,
  well this is worth 20 minutes of anybody's time.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fuck_you_Daily_Mail


  >> Monkey pool <<
  Tiny, mischievous primates break every rule of
  poolside conduct. But, dawww, they so cute.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/This_pool_needs_some_rules


  >> 'Terminator' arm <<
  The world's most advanced prosthetic limb gives
  us new hope that the day is nigh when we can
  lop off our natural extremities and become
  cyborg overlords. As an aside, there is
  something quite odd about designing an advanced
  robot that can operate a computer mouse. That's
  not the way we saw the future going.
http://bit.ly/XprBuQ


  >> Unicorn Wizard <<
  Brain-meltingly awesome is the aesthetic
  they're going for. Successfully? We'll let you
  know when our brains re-coalesce. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gbra-rKXzk4


  >> Stewart Lee - Observational Comedy <<
  Stewart Lee tries his hand at observational
  comedy. Or is he satirising observational
  comedy. Anyway, it's very clever.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Stewart_Lee_Observational_Comedy


  This is obviously all in aid of promoting Lee's
  new DVD and we urge you to check it out, and
  give him your money and support, so he's not
  compelled to wander the streets of Kentish
  Town, begging for succour.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B007RD9OLE/b3ta-21


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  3 lies: often not funny, seldom about names and 
  never in the shape of a corner.

  * UNFORTUNATE URL - @sandersonjones recommends,
  "Song Room, an Oz charity that helps poor
  kids play music."
http://www.songroom.com


  * BIG PENIS BUILDING - m477hew writes,
  "Cock-shaped architecture. The symbol of the
  future." Yep, and this is, of course, on
  purpose - literally, the rich waving their
  willies at us.
http://bit.ly/Ssdsqw


  * RUDE AUTHOR NAME - stevenawright writes,
  "Just reading about Lance Armstrong and
  stumbled upon the former director of the
  WADA. He's even got a book." Blimey, what a
  brilliant name, and the cover also looks exactly
  like someone pounding their dick.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0470838701/b3ta-21


  * GOATSE CORNER - Jimski writes, "After a long,
  *long* time lurking I finally got round to
  emailing you something half usable. Nestle Milo
  Chocolate Malt." Blimey. It's the phrase "made
  with malted barley" that really makes us go
  ewww.
http://bit.ly/YXvaHR


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: BLOCK FRIDAY
  Twitter accounts to block because they're 
  funnier than us and it makes us jealous

  * PIPPA TIPS - a spoof on the Middleton
  sister's books that state the bleeding obvious,
  e.g, "a haircut is a great way to deal with
  over-grown or untidy hair. Hair salons & barbers
  can do this for you in exchange for money."
https://twitter.com/Pippatips


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: GAME
  Text-based multiplayer FPS

  We've always enjoyed the gag of making text
  adventure versions of arcade games. The
  legendary comp.sys.sinclair Crap Games
  Competition once had a version of
  Tetris that began, "You're in a deep dark cave. You
  see an L-shape fall towards you. You can move it
  left, right or rotate." And on a similar tip but
  better, because it's fucking multi-player, comes
  this.
http://eigen.pri.ee/shooter/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the spiders challenge

  Last week we wanted you to celebrate spiders.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * SPIDERS FROM MARS - David Meowie is one cool
  cat who wins this competition by a whisker.
  (Doctor When)
http://b3ta.com/board/10875363

  * CHARLOTTE'S WEB - the famous kid's story
  pointing out exactly what's so great about "some
  pig". (moistness)
http://b3ta.com/board/10876049

  * CERN SUPER SPIDER COLLIDER - try saying
  "spider collider" out loud - it's delicious to
  say. ( The Twisted Omentum )
http://b3ta.com/board/10875219


  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/science/


  >> New challenge: Solve stuff with Science <<
  It's a scientific fact that everything is better
  with science. So this week's Challenge is to use
  science to solve everyday problems.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/science/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.
 
  * ERRATUM - Noely Noel writes, "Hey, I
  suggested a link for the newsletter,
  unfortunately you gave me credit for producing
  the fireworks labels when it was another user
  altogether. I gazzed him and apologised, might
  you put a rectification in the next
  newsletter?" We are sorry. We'll walk from
  village to village thrashing ourselves with old
  newsletters.


  * ERRATUM II (ERRATA) - Mekon74 follows up,
  "Your lovely news newsletter (552) prominently
  features my rude fireworks. Thanks for that.
  It's nice to know they're appreciated, but
  you've credited them to Noely Noel. Who's that
  then? My B3ta name is Mekon74. It's a small and
  relatively unimportant issue, since it's not my
  real name, but it's still a bit annoying." We
  are sorry, so sorry. There's no-one to blame
  but our useless selves. 
  

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * FREE STUFF - nobody has sent us anything
  interesting in the post for ages. Go on. Make
  our postie sweat.
  
  * TIPS ON HOW TO BE AN ADULT - we run a comedic
  internet newsletter, we clearly struggle with
  such stuff.
  
  * A MAGIC SOLUTION TO BLACKHEADS - surely we
  should have grown out of them by now?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  High Achievers :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Bye-bye leavers:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by R. Jimlad, c@bbage,
  Dawn Of The Bread, TheTrampSurveyor, davescfc,
  Pew Pew Pew! Lasers!  tim, &#8207;@alergy, @lost_78,
  @MatofKilburnia, @LeeRedders & shkspr.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  We love Matt Round.
  Subjlols via prince-igor.
  Top tips via A Vagabond.
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Make people think you're clever by having a degree. 

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