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NEWSLETTER: LATEST NASA PROBE FINDS MARS IS SMALLER THAN IT WAS IN THE 70S

 
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This Week:
* REVOLUTION - by crows
* CHRIS MORRIS - three hours of genius
* ALIEN - movie typography nerdfest

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving our penis     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    for a rainy day" 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    

B3ta email 645  - 5 Dec 2014

Read this issue on your circuit bent dusty bin:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue645 

    Sub :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Snub : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Korg Monotribe

  We've wasted much of our evenings recently
  making cheap and cheerful acid house with the
  best musical toy we've ever had. It goes bleep.
  A LOT. Seriously - we can't recommend this hard
  enough. 
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0050G7VR4/b3ta-21 

  
  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK

  >> UKIP Christmas Dinner Argument Simulator <<
  Jimbobabu writes, "Get some practice in now for
  that festive political dust-up with the folks
  in this choose-your-own adventure game."
http://ukipchristmas.wordpress.com/


  >> Crow Revolution <<
  Eddache writes, "The birds are revolting!" This
  is great; very Monty Python and possibly a
  comment on Russell Brand's slightly vague ideas
  of social transformation. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Crow_Revolution


  >> Terminator Emusis <<
  HappyToast writes, "I made this, I have no idea
  why :D" Nor do we, Happy Toast, but we're glad
  you did.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Terminator_Emusis_I_have_no_idea_why_D


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: USVSTH3M
  The other 'b3ta-ish' project

  * 24 EXPERIENCES OF LOSING WEIGHT - your Ginger
  Fuhrer has written a thingie about losing
  weight (then gaining it again - the fat fuck)
http://goo.gl/0OFST4


  * ARE YOU DOWN WITH THE KIDS?  - 12 questions
  that rate whether you're up to date.
http://games.usvsth3m.com/down-with-the-kids/


  * HOW MIDDLE CLASS ARE YOU? - Our 100%
  scientifically-accurate test will find out how
  middle-class you are, and then tell you which
  British sitcom character you're like.
http://games.usvsth3m.com/how-middle-class-are-you/


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Follow @b3ta on Twitter because you're worth it.
https://twitter.com/b3ta

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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Horrible Hotels
 
  Last week we asked for more stories of your
  stays in terrible hotels. Go read
  notoolsovernight's description of a terrifying
  French hotel that all the hip kids will be
  staying in next week:
http://b3ta.com/questions/craphotels2


  * UNDERCOVER STUDENT - "Mid 70s. Working as a
  bellhop in the Hotel Drake Wilshire in downtown
  San Francisco. Dressed as an organ grinder's
  monkey, schlepping a couple of cases downstairs
  for a couple.

  "Standing in the lift: They are chattering away
  in machine-gun Russian. I am zoning out staring
  at the brassworks around the floor numbers. At
  the lobby, I hold the door open for them. They
  say 'Thank you' in moderately-accented English.
  I give them a polite you're welcome /
  'Pazhaloosta' in reply.

  "The woman step around and presses the Close
  Door button and then hits Stop. The guy,
  chattering excitedly pushes me up against the
  far wall without really touching me; asking how
  much I spoke, where I learned it, etc, etc...
  What the unholy fuck they were talking about, I
  had no idea; desperately telling them that I
  got the sum total of my Rooski from the movie
  Patton, that I was a student, this was a temp
  job, I wasn't a CIA operative, and certainly
  not stupid enough to blow my cover if I WAS.
  Took several minutes before they let me out.
  Scared me no end." (shamblinthru)
 
 
  * HARLOW, LAND OF MY DREAMS - After the wheels
  came off, I was temporarily housed in the Oasis
  Harlow. About 1 in the morning, I can hear some
  woman walking round knocking at people's doors,
  screaming 'I need some fackin foil, I know you
  ave, gimme sam fackin foil.' Someone shouted
  'use a fackin' spoon' 

  "After a disturbingly long period of absolute
  quiet, she pipes up "Spoon! I need a fackin
  spoon, I know you've got some..." For your
  amusement, go to tripadvisor and look up the
  reviews of the Oasis Harlow." (woff)
 

  * TENBY - "We 'won' a holiday in Tenby in mid
  November. Gale force winds & rain all weekend,
  nothing seemed to be open, and the only
  entertainment was provided by a television that
  we had to feed with £1 coins every 15 minutes."
  (twunt face)


  >> This Week - Home-Made Booze Hell <<
  SpanishFly writes, "I have a 'make your own
  absinthe' kit here, fucking terrified of making
  it... Tell us your stories of when you got so
  drunk on homemade mead you pissed in the
  cupboard:
http://b3ta.com/questions/homemadebooze/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  * LONG ARTICLE ABOUT THE TYPOGRAPHY IN ALIEN -
  fascinating if you're a design nerd.
http://typesetinthefuture.com/alien/


  * FRAMLEY EXAMINER ADVENT CALENDAR - HappyToast
  writes, "The first window made me spit coffee
  everywhere."
http://www.framley.com/advertcalendar/index.html


  * ARTIST LIVES IN CAVE FOR TEN YEARS - makes
  weird art that can be consumed as clickbait.
  Yay.
http://www.boredpanda.com/cave-carving-ra-paulette-new-mexico/


  * THREE HOURS OF CHRIS MORRIS ON THE BBC -
  worship at his comedic genius.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b04sp5pq


  * CHRIS ROCK TALKS ABOUT OFFENCE IN COMEDY -
  Fascinating interview with the legendary
  stand-up, where he particularly concentrates on
  what happens when a comedian offends people
  nowadays.
http://goo.gl/Bk5DyF


  * DESCRIPTION OF EVERY VIZ CHARACTER - Thanks
  Wikipedia for this exhaustive listing of every
  single minor character ever to appear in the
  pages of Viz, with every joke carefully
  explained.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Viz_comic_strips


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO

  >> Youtube Comment Reconstruction <<
  As ever, excellent YouTube comments re-enacted
  by veteran British thesps in what looks like
  the Downton Abbey set.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1252424


  >> How a quartz watch works <<
  Bloke quickly and engagingly demonstrates why
  your digital watch is AMAZING and actually the
  foundation of the modern technological age.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_a_quartz_watch_works


  >> Super simple electric model train <<
  This amazed and delighted us. make your own
  model train set with just some wire, magnets
  and a battery. *runs to the poundshop*
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Super_simple_electric_model_train


  >> How to Remove Your Mustache <<
  If you have a moustache... please don't try any
  of these.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_Remove_Your_Mustache


  >> CGI crowd dynamics <<
  This is what happens when an endless crowd of
  people surges into a slowly-rotating metal bar.
  Oddly mesmerising, although we reckon *some* of
  them would get up again.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/CGI_crowd_dynamics


  >> Bing Crosby Sings Death Metal <<
  This, quite obviously, should have been titled
  'Black Christmas'. Honestly, we're impressed by
  how effortless the great man makes it looks to
  growl and snarl.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1251993


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the 'Art Damage' challenge

  Last week we asked you to break or even fix
  famous pieces of art.
 
  Your favourites included:

  * Shalott: struck down by a ginger pussy
  (Rubber Dubya)
http://b3ta.com/board/11117046

  * MONDRIAN: Smashing art from
 (Barryheadwound)
http://b3ta.com/board/11116053
 
  * HOGAN: Hes back and hes giving Brian
  Sewell a run for his money.  
  (Ninj)
http://b3ta.com/board/11116032
  
  All these images, and a load more can be
  found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/artdamage/popular/


  >> New challenge: Personal Christmas Cards  <
  This week we're looking at the awful photo
  Christmas cards that politicians and other
  public figures send and then making our own. 
http://b3ta.com/challenge/peoplechristmascards/


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    Leave:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  Follow @b3ta on Twitter and win a sex with a sexy
  person.
https://twitter.com/b3ta
  
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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by MrRoborobot,
  notoolsovernight, robneymcplum, CysticSpazzGland,
  Tab Hunter, Frogbeat, pissflaps, monkeon,
  PhosphorBurnedEyes, simbosan.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
  is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via CanonCaliber.
  Top tip via NoStrings.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Middle-aged men! Make people think that you've
  just been to the toilet, by using a cotton bud
  to dab a drop of water onto the front of your
  trousers.

 
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