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NEWSLETTER: IF YOU DO ONE THING THIS WEEK, SCROLL TO THE RUDE FOOD STORY

 
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"If you do one thing this week, scroll to the rude food story"
This Week:
* MUSIC SEQUELS - Superb image challenge, yay!
* BEST DURAN DURAN ARTICLE EVER - Nerds rejoice!
* TWIX OF DOOM - Question of the week GOLD!

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving the wap     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   ... together"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   

B3ta email 657 - 27 March 2015

A permalink, do people still call them that?
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue657

Friend b3ta on Facebook: 
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan

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: BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS 
  It's not a swindle, stick them on your Kindle

  * SO YOU'VE BEEN PUBLICLY SHAMED (JON RONSON) -
   a timely read from Ronson largely about
  Twitter hate mobs being rather toxic. 
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00NLFVN8E/b3ta-21 


  * HATERZ (JAMES GOSS) - almost the flip-side to
  Ronson's book, this is a fictional account of a
  serial killer getting rid of all the people who
  he hates on social media. We found some of the
  targets worryingly close to home. 
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1781083010/b3ta-21 


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than the normal excellent photoshops

  * MATING TORTOISES - THE TRANSLATION - Slurpy J
  doing his normal (and good) trick of whacking
  his own voice over on top of whatever video is
  popular this week. It's a good shtick.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1288510


  * SLIGHTLY BAFFLING B3TA PARODY - we've always
  claimed that 'in-jokes are never frontpaged'
  but, despite not really knowing the context of
  this beyond seeing a few boarders shout
  FUCKLIFT a bit, we found the whole thing rather
  amusing. 
http://www.fucklift.co.uk/


  * CRAPLY AMUSING POLITICAL MOTION-TRACKING -
  dooranran claims, "My first attempt with motion
  tracking didn't go as well as I would've liked."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/PPB_Conservatives


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FOLLOW B3TA ON FACEBOOK

We've finally got round to adding a Facebook
page, and we're making a proper effort to make
the B3tan feed good and interesting by sticking
classic photoshops and breaking news on it. 
  
It's good, you should like it.
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan  


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK /GOLD/
  Food sex: 'Twix of Doom'

  Each week we scour our archives for a
  particularly fine story, this week? 'Twix of
  Doom' from the question, 'Rude Food'.

  My first girlfriend and I were together for
  about two and a half years. A few weeks before
  we split up we went on a short break to Cartmel
  in the Lake District, renting a cottage from my
  auntie's boss.

  We had a nice time there, wandering around the
  priory, eating toasted teacakes and crumpets in
  a small tea shop, but a more deviant event was
  on the horizon.

  'Would you eat something out of me?' she asked
  one evening. I confess I was rather bewildered
  and wondered what she could mean: A banana?
  Some chocolate? A pie?

  I suggested these things and she decided
  that a Twix would be a good idea.

  The next morning we walked to the local Spar
  shop and, being a chivalrous type, I allowed her
  to choose her Twix.

  As the chocolate was slightly soft I suggested
  that we should maybe put it into the freezer
  for a while so that it wouldn't melt in a flash
  (amongst other things) and she agreed.

  'I'm ready,' she said late that evening. She
  went upstairs before me while I retrieved the
  Twix from the freezer, following in her
  footsteps moments later. When I reached the
  bedroom she had already undressed and was lying
  on the bed, her legs apart.

  For a moment I wondered how I was going to do
  this: do I actually remove it from the wrapper
  or do I shove the whole lot in? Do I put one
  finger in or both of them? I didn't want to ask
  as I felt this would just make her nervous and
  would hardly instil confidence in the poor girl
  as she lay there, legs akimbo, about to be
  penetrated by a chocolate bar.

  I decided to insert a single finger and opened
  the wrapper, suddenly noticing that the
  chocolate was covered in a slightly grey sheen
  of condensation having been in the freezer all
  day, and was also as hard as a pavement, my
  thumbnail failing to leave an impression when I
  tested it.

  'This is going to be cold,' I warned before
  introducing the Twix. She gasped as it slid
  inside and I left about an inch of it sticking
  out. For a moment I looked at the rather
  ridiculous and mildly scary sight before me,
  before bending down and biting off about half of
  the exposed finger of Twix.

  Without warning the whole thing vanished inside
  her. Gone. I panicked, completely baffled,
  wondering what I should do.

  I didn't think it would be The Done Thing to
  prise apart her labia like a mechanic lifting a
  bonnet before rummaging around inside, so I
  just lay there, staring, wanting to cry for a
  moment.

  And then a thick, brown liquid began to ooze
  from her pubis. Terrified that it would ruin
  the sheets – which, after all, were not ours –
  I thrust my hand between her thighs and caught
  the melted chocolate as it dribbled out, but my
  hand quickly filled and I was then forced to
  consider what I was going to do with a hand
  full of rather hot melted Twix as I could
  hardly say 'just crimp yourself off, love – I
  need to go and wash my hand,' so screwing my
  eyes shut I licked it off my hand while my
  other one was slowly filling.

  Then, just as I thought it couldn't get any
  worse, the biscuit base popped out, completely,
  eerily clean, stripped bare of chocolate and
  caramel, like an albino penis.

  I pulled it out and, hands full of chocolate,
  quickly ate it while I awaited for her sugary
  genital deluge to stop.

  I don't think I've eaten a Twix since.
  (nasalhair)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/foodsex/post497151


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  * FOR OUR 48 READERS WHO LIKE DURAN DURAN -
  this is an absolute treat, a long-form article
  discussing both the Arcadia and Power Station
  splinter projects. This is the niche, deep and
  fascinating journalism that we want to read.

  Excellent work from Simon Price, and we really
  hope he expands it into a book.
http://goo.gl/aYKBg2


  * DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THE SHOCK-SITE KILLER? We
  were casually wikipediaing about the internet
  of the past, where people shared awful stuff.
  Wound up stumbling into this rabbit warren of a
  story about about Luka Magnotta who killed his
  roommate and uploaded the footage to a shock
  site. 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luka_Magnotta


  * THE CONNOISSEUR OF GIFS - magical, odd GIFs
  with some bloke standing in front of them. We
  don't know; it's what the kids like these days.
  Maybe.
http://thegifconnoisseur.tumblr.com/


  * MEERKATROULETTE - media twerps have been
  excited recently with both Meerkat and
  Periscope, competing technologies that allow
  you to live broadcast video from your phone.
  This site shows you random feeds.
http://meerkatroulette.com/


  * LIFE IN THE US INFANTRY - long, depressing
  reddit post from a foot soldier in the American
  Army.

  "You grew up wanting so bad to be Luke
  Skywalker, but you realize that you were
  basically a Stormtrooper, a faceless, nameless
  rifleman, carrying a spear for empire."
http://goo.gl/Ut1i1f


  * SONIC PI - here's something to download and
  install for music and programming geeks - we've
  lost a good few evenings to this brilliant way
  of using code to create music. Available for
  OSX, Windows & Raspberry Pi.
http://sonic-pi.net/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the 'Music Sequels' challenge

  Last week we asked to give the movie sequel
  treatment to songs and albums.
 
  Your favourites included:

  * Wish 2: Hot stuff from the Floyd
  (Akinkawan)
http://b3ta.com/board/11141298

  * Crossing: Back from the shops off
  Abbey Road  (Barbarossa)
http://b3ta.com/board/11140859
 
  * Topicalol: Bonnie Tyler couldn’t
  predict the weather (Fresh Water Mole)
http://b3ta.com/board/11141122
  
  All these images, and a load more can be
 found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/musicsequels/


   >> New challenge: XFiles <<
  The X-Files is coming back so we’re having a
  week of Mulder, Scully, the paranormal and
  nutjob conspiracy theories.

  How will the show fit in to our technological
  age? Will Deep Throat contact them via the Dark
  Net and will GoPro cameras finally put an end
  to grainy alien footage?
http://b3ta.com/challenge/xfiles/


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FOLLOW @B3TA ON TWITTER

Seeing as we did the big sell for b3ta's Facebook
account earlier, it would be rude not to mention
our Twitter account.

Mostly we use it for posting the front page
images on the site and also links to this very
newsletter. 
https://twitter.com/b3ta


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like Vimeo but owned by Google instead

  * TOP GEAR - It's only the last episode where
  Jeremy Clarkson confesses all -  - created by
  the genius that is Jon Harvey.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLRna0RRvxo

  * TUG OF 'OAR' ANYONE? - Clever idea for a new
  competitive sport. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXpDzaS47PA

  * GHOSTBUSTERS! Now without music to create a
  work of sinister genius.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ghostbusters_without_the_music
  * "SPANG!" - that's the noise you might make on
  seeing this.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/spang:8

  * NOTIFICATION TROLLING - We would do this so
  much, if we had the skills.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Notification_Trolling


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Chocolate gone very wrong

  "Opened this, thought of b3ta," observes mike
  woz ere. Lucky fella.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Opened_this_Thought_of_b3ta


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: OLD B3TONIANS
  News from the b3ta alumni

  * Old B3tonian @mikeisbrill writes well
  about Tinder: 
http://goo.gl/BybEs8


  * Cassetteboy uses The Guardian to criticise
  the Lib Dems' lamentable mash-up skills: 
http://goo.gl/Yqh39A

  "We thought we'd better show Nick Clegg how
  it's done, so we've made a new political rap,"
  adds Cassetteboy Mike.
https://youtu.be/vbLGG5UGEKw


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 Conan (1982): b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Conan (2011): b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Cragget,
  MaxineBasset, smaggers and tits.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Tip by robneymcplum.
  
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Friend b3ta on Facebook: 
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
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  TOP TIP:
  Enjoy a perfect solar eclipse by closing your
  fridge door really slowly.

 
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