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NEWSLETTER: "WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU CUT A CENTIPEDE INTO FIVE PIECES? TWENTYPEDES"

 
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"What do you get if you cut a centipede into five pieces?  Twentypedes"
This Week:
* ART - "I Put A Pigeon In A Box"
* VIDEO - World's most un-viral dog
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - British Superheroes

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "What do you call a 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | financially savvy   
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| centipede? Footsie 100."  

B3ta email 662 - 1 May 2015

Read this issue whilst pretending to be a cat:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue662

Tweet b3ta on Myspace: 
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan

-------------------------------------------------

: SPOSORED LINK
  Trailer Park Boys - Live On Stage
  
  Stars from the Hit TV show are coming to the UK,
  from Gropecunt lane to Ticklecock bridge. A show
  Perfect for anyone who likes swearing Candians,
  nudity and meth.

  Get on your Chicken Bike along to... 
http://kililive.com/artists/trailer-park-boys


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  Other than making sweet love and jam

  * "I PUT A PIGEON IN A BOX", write zef, "Isn't
  he pretty?" Our satire-dar is sensing Damien
  Hirst-esque ideas at play here. Maybe Charles
  Saatchi will buy it?
http://www.zef.so/feathered/


  * WORLD'S MOST UNVIRAL DOG - fred zeppelin
  writes, " Otter the Dog wouldn't like
  skateboarding. She's not really into anything
  that much."
http://bit.ly/please-go-viral-little-doggy-please


  * SHIT RAINBOW BLOG - tomcookie writes, "My
  tumblr of badly-drawn rainbows with rants as to
  why they're wrong."
http://badrainbows.tumblr.com/


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: B3TA ON FACEBOOK

  This week we've been amusing ourselves writing
  shit "What's your X name?" things.

  * What's your "Regional Bus Company" name?
http://bit.ly/beepbeepticketsplease

  * What's your 'birth' name?
http://bit.ly/amazing-how-do-they-do-this

  * What's your 'e-mail' name?
http://bit.ly/so-clever-so-amazong

  * What's your Tory name?
http://bit.ly/yeah-tories-they-are-nice

  Yeah. Join us. JOIN US.
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan


------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the 'Celebrity Death 2' 
  challenge

  Last week we asked you to imagine awful
  deaths for your most disliked celebs.
 
  Our favourites included:

  * McCartney: Always look before you cross.
 (Tribs)
http://b3ta.com/board/11147163

  * Grylls: Gentle Ben fires up the barbie. 
(The Twisted Omentum)
http://b3ta.com/board/11147506

  * Farage: on his voyage to self destruction.
 (monkeon)
http://b3ta.com/board/11148068
  
  All these images, and a load more can be
  found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/celebdeath2/

   >> New challenge: Celebrity Deaths 2 <<

  People are crazy for Marvel and DC's very 
  American superheroes, but the British 
  superheroes of literature have been somewhat 
  lacklustre. Design an impressive but still 
  very British super goodie or baddie..
http://b3ta.com/challenge/britsupers/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  * Scary peice on the future of journalism in the
  facebook world. We're partly linking this to
  remember to watch the hour long video at the end.
http://bit.ly/you-work-for-facebook-now


  * The guy who writes the headlines at 'The
  Argus' is a clickbait genius.
http://bit.ly/yay-for-the-argus-you-make-us-lol


  * Pretentious-O-Meter is a clever little idea
  for a site - it compares the public ratings of
  films with the critics and concludes whether a
  film is pretensions or mass market. You'll enjoy
  spending 5 mins typing in a list of your
  favourite films.
http://pretentious-o-meter.co.uk/


  * Can someone build a bot that replies to all
  news stories on Twitter with how old they look? 
http://how-old.net/


  * Comment is Weird. Odd parodies of Guardian
  Comment is Free posts. Is this funny? Is this
  shit? 
http://commentisweird.tumblr.com/


  * Scottish Grindr users on the 2015 general
  election
http://bit.ly/now-lets-ask-mumsnet-about-anal-sex


  * Colouring for Grown-Ups
http://imgur.com/gallery/apqc7


  * Hit up page 105 of the manual and zoom in on
  the text on the phone...
http://bit.ly/be-careful-what-you-screengrab


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Follow @b3ta on Twitter. Why? Because you'll get
funny pictures in your feed. 
https://twitter.com/b3ta


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like websites that wobble about a bit
  
  * JOKER'S NEW TATTOOS - there's been much mirth
  this week about the unlikeliness of anyone
  getting tattoos like that.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Jokers_New_Tattoos


  * GRRRRRRRR! - Don't mess with kitties dimmer,
  he's trying to eat.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Grrrrrrrrrrrr


  * HOMEPRIDE ADVERT - recut as a horror trailer.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XshEOQQR1D4


  *  RAPEY MJ - occasional B3tan David Firth has
  recut some old Jacko footage to make him look
  like a rapist. His management have kicked it off
  YouTube with a, "This video is no longer
  available due to a copyright claim by SME." But
  it's been copied elsewhere.
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=de8_1430375722


  * THE PRIVATE GENTLEMEN'S YACHT CLUB
  'Biscuitkünt' - "Some friends of mine have made
  this", writes yehyeh72a "and it's mint!"
http://youtu.be/T2-uEHL2zjo


  * CONSERVATIVE POLITICIANS NEVER DO UNUSUAL
  MEDIA APPEARANCE - to attempt to reach voters
  who ignore other channels...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vcPLwGY-zc


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: LOOKALIKE
  Noddy Holder and Germaine Greer

  In other news Noddy Holder is slowly morphing
  into Germaine Greer. (Thanks to Kat Elliott for
  pointing this out.)
http://bit.ly/the-fate-of-all-men-as-they-age


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Introducing a lady with a lovely surname
  
  ProjectWeasel writes, "One for the 'funny name'
  corner - Polish fashion designer EVE MINGE. If
  you scroll to the bottom of her homepage you get
  a nice quote too -  'the magical world of Eva
  Minge is a mixture of passion, timeless design
  and wide creativity.'"
http://bit.ly/fanny-name-corner


-------------------------------------------------

Songs that mention "hands" that are improved when
replaced with "feet":

* I Want To Hold Your Feet
* Grandma's Feet
* Lay Your Feet On Me

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  Yes, there's more, so much more!

  * GENERAL AFFECTION SONG - old B3tonian
  @swedemason has done this for Sky News. It's
  pretty good.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KyISprZphtM
  

  * ALIENS CARTOON - scoppied writes, "I didn't
  make this animation, based on a certain sci-fi
  franchise that's seen better days - my absurdly
  talented little sister iscoppie did. She'd never
  put her stuff forward to you guys herself as
  she's too modest, but I fucking will. This
  latest video of hers took her months of work and
  is highly entertaining, geeky and irreverent, so
  I thought you'd like to see it. I'm sure she'd
  be cool with you putting it in the newsletter,
  and indeed not putting in the newsletter, so do
  whichever you think more appropriate."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hoRrZ3WCZD8#t=265


  * MAD ALIENS BLOKE - dekka10 writes, "I made
  this video to mock Giorgio and his ideas in
  front of a few friends a while ago. I noticed
  that people on the internet liked it. I thought
  I'd fork it over to you if you ever run dry on
  ideas for one of your Friday newsletters
  (kissy-kissy)."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IABsBprJJPo


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories

  * THANKS! - paultashby writes, "Just wanted to
  say thanks for mentioning Derek and Wilf's book
  Dear Mr Le Bon in last weeks mail. The
  kickstarter has reached the not inconsiderable
  16k it needed to fund 7 days ahead of schedule
  and there are now some very happy pensioners in
  the Bournemouth area, who are looking forward to
  having their living rooms full of books and not
  being able to find their slippers for jiffy
  bags. Appreciated."

  * TOP TIP CORRECTION - The Magic of Chutney
  writes, "Piss on your garden. It adds nitrogen.?
  This not a great way of distributing all that
  lovely nitrogen in an efficient fashion. Besides
  someone might see you stood with your cock out
  in the middle of the lawn at 2 in the afternoon,
  and that can lead to all sorts of trouble! No,
  Piss onto the compost heap instead (or if you
  have one of those plastic "dalek" type
  composters, widdle into that) It has the bonus
  feature of accelerating decomposition too!"


-------------------------------------------------

: SHIT VIRAL CONTENT GENERATOR!
  Just imagine this so we don't have to make it

  [X] photos of [news thing] improved by [TV show]
  quotes


-------------------------------------------------

    YES!  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    ANTI-YES!  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

: SPOSORED LINK (LET'S REPEAT IT, OK!)
  Trailer Park Boys - Live On Stage
  
  Stars from the Hit TV show are coming to the UK,
  from Gropecunt lane to Ticklecock bridge. A show
  Perfect for anyone who likes swearing Candians,
  nudity and meth.

  Get on your Chicken Bike along to... 
http://kililive.com/artists/trailer-park-boys


-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Master_Slob,
  MrRoborobot, tits & mutated monty. Image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Subjlols via Doghorse. Top tip via
  robneymcplum.
  

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Friend b3ta on Facebook for fun times:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
-------------------------------------------------


  TOP TIP:
  MEN: If, for a reason that at the time seemed a
  perfectly logical dare, DONT stand on something
  to enable you to put your penis into a Dyson
  Airblade hand dryer, as it feels like its
  ripping the skin off and is still tender the
  following day.

 
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