NEWSLETTER: "URGENT: YOUR 'DOG TOYS' HAVE BEEN IMPOUNDED BY CUSTOMS"
This Week:
* FLAPPY BIRD RETURNS - using the third dimension
* SAD GOODBYES - to the best Beatles podcast ever
* FESSHOLE LIVE - B-B-B-Birmingham date announced
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Maybe we'll save the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | web next week, any time
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| now... together"
B3ta sex telex 904 - 26th April 2024
Read this issue if you like, who cares:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue904
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making the neighbours despair
* MATT ROUND'S 3D FLAPPY BIRD - Matt writes,
"We've brought arcc"s 3D Flappy Bird game out
for everyone to play, with the added bonus of
50% off an arcc ticket if you score 25+"
https://vole.wtf/crow-flies/
* BYE BYE EGGPOD - In rather shocking news
EggPod Chris has announced his live show will be
the final EggPod episode. Middle aged men are
weeping into their mono copies of Rubber Soul.
https://twitter.com/IAmTheEggPod/status/1780846788...
* DONALD TRUMP SINGS SHAGGY - Swedemason is
pretty much B3tan Diaspora these days as he
can't be arsed to post his Joe links on the site
but the work is so good it ends up here anyway.
This is slicker than ever.
https://b3ta.com/links/Latest_from_swedemason
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
It's time for you to buy some clothes, ok?
You might think the best place to buy clothes is
George at ASDA but you are wrong. The ideal
place is a website run by a couple of blokes who
make all their stuff in the UK, charge a pretty
price for it, but design it all to last so
over-all it financially works out. Also there's
a bit of a sale on so get stuck in.
https://hebtro.co/its-a-sale/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions coughed up like an owl pellet
Each week you type some bollocks into a google
form, we bin most of it, and then tweet out a
few bits to see if anyone can be arsed to click
'fav'. Some stuff we enjoyed this week includes:
* POSTMAN SMACK - "I'm a postman, and when I'm
delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I
just keep the drugs for myself, what are they
going to do? Complain that the postman stole
their drugs?"
* IT'S A TRAP! - "My wife says I'm
'condescending', but she pronounces it
'condense-sending'. I can't correct her because
that would be condescending, you see. It's
killing me."
* RE-RE-WIND - "I decided to sleep with a guy I
was dating who I really liked. We were having
sex and when he finished he moaned 'INSIDE' in
the voice of an old school garage music MC.
Ghosted him ever since, can't be having that"
Follow the account that only has followers
because people mistook it for that funny one
where Bono sticks his hand into a blender.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
BUY TICKETS. We've just played Dublin and
fucking loved it, so it's Northampton next (like
about 3 tickets left) then Durham and Brighton.
OOH AND JUST ANNOUNCED, WE'RE COMING TO
B-B-B-B-B-B-BIRMINGHAM TOO.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
BUY THE BOOK - ideal for toilets, as you'll get
about 50 wipes out of it. Just don't show us the
photos.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Hyperlinks from your favourite webmasters
* "HELLO, I'M BRIAN YAMS!" - An attempt to
generate names in the Bob Mortimer format of
normal first name and unlikely noun surname.
Could do with a description of what it is on the
page itself, though. Has Jakob Nielsen taught us
nothing?
https://hicks.design/else/mortimiser/
* POINTLESS BUT OKISH GAME - The sort of
guessing game that used to come as a 20 line
BASIC type-in with Input magazine. Strangely
addictive, though. You'll play it till you win.
https://stakkoo.com
* WHERE'S MY FUCKING PHONE YOU BLIND BASTARDS -
The mundanity of searching for your lost phone
crossed with Neil Buchanan's Finders Keepers
house trashing. Raid the room.
https://rad-reys.itch.io/wheres-my-phone
* SAT NAV CIRCA KNIGHTRIDER - Fascinating device
that mashed together lots of not-quite-ready
tech in a way that worked but was expensive &
awkward
https://maphappenings.com/2024/04/11/story-of-etak...
* DOES THIS MAN MAKE YOU FEEL HORNY? - Bearded
dude makes his own terrible musical instrument
with the main potential use of startling cats.
https://b3ta.com/links/Gratuitously_silly
* "I GOT MY HEAD CHECKED, BY A JUMBO JET" -
We're rather fond of the 'Look Mum No Computer'
guy on Youtube, whose general shtick is to make
music with old technology - this example is from
a live show where he does a version of Blur's
Song 2 on the fly from an audience request.
https://b3ta.com/links/Someone_in_the_crowd_reques...
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Big-Screen Comedy Cameos
* Cumquat May tackles Are You Being Served in
the most basic of ways
https://b3ta.com/board/11406411
* Monkeon ponders whether he's been slimed by
Timothy Claypole
https://b3ta.com/board/11406286
* Christhebarker walters down the soup
https://b3ta.com/board/11406207
* See all the other images from the 'Big-Screen
Comedy Cameos' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/bigscreencomedycameos/po...
>> This week: The 60s Internet <<
If the web had existed in the 1960s, what sort
of swinging sites and flower power memes would
they have had? Show us the 60s internet.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/the60sinternet/popular
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you in the ideas cock
* ALAN PARTRIDGE HOTEL TOOL - between which two
places is your Premier Inn equidistant? Pick a
Travelodge / Prem Inn and it tells you locations
that are exactly equidistant from it so you can
live there and have access to their fine
facilities.
* JOHNNY BALL'S THINK OF A CUCUMBER - yes we
have just typed filler here so how could it
work? Mostly it's started to get very obscene in
our head. Do not build this.
* LOFT WANKERS - A tumblr account posting
screenshots of middle-aged men hosting video
podcasts from their loft conversions, with the
pointy-triangle shaped wall behind them.
Go on, show us your massive missives:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Lot of rich people in
Birmingham, lot of ghosts in a lot of houses -
Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec,
Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe. No, actually done a
couple of bits recently, do sign up.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
Like Liz Truss, we too are victims of the Deep
State, who've conspired to prevent the B3ta
newsletter having more subscribers. Take a blow
against the unelected blob by telling your
friends to sign up.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'DICKHEAD PARENT' FESSHOLE
"Daughter recently had one of her milk teeth
fall out. She put it under her pillow expecting
a quid from the tooth fairy. All I could find
was 47p, because nobody actually carries cash
anymore. Swapped the tooth for the 47p plus a
'tax bill' showing 53p deducted. She's gotta
learn."
