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NEWSLETTER: "SOCIAL MEDIA IS CLOSED, PLEASE RETURN TO YOUR FORUMS AND AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTION"

 
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This Week:
* BENCHES - Catalogued at last
* BAD OPINIONS - Now with MORE of them
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Rejected greetings cards

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  like some colonialist 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     Blue Peter appeal"

B3ta email 682  - 15 Jun 2018

Read this issue again and double our traffic:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue682

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: MONKEON CORNER
  Your message here, written in 10ps

  In celebration of the Great British alphabet,
  the Royal Mint has released a different 10p
  coin for each letter of the alphabet. In
  celebration of the oddness of this, Monkeon has
  created a tool that lets you see what that
  would look like representing your name. 
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/10ptyper/

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: BENCHES OF THE WORLD
  All in a handy database
  
  "One day, you're going to die," monotones
  Terence Eden. "Perhaps your family and friends
  will commission a bench in your honour? If you
  spot a memorial bench while out jogging or
  dogging, please snap a photo and add it to our
  collection of over seven thousand benches."
  OVER. SEVEN. THOUSAND. BENCHES. And b3tans -
  please add more.
http://openbenches.org 


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: JUST A THROW-AWAY JOKE
  Self service checkout

  This caused confusion in the B3ta newsletter
  team, with one of us giggling and the other
  just baffled by it. Thanks Mudface.
http://picosong.com/weiXN/


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: BUY SOME FUCKING TROUSERS
  Sponsored patreon

  Hebtro make awesome trousers. And they're made
  by some old newsletter contributors in the UK.
  They also sell shorts and want you to buy lots
  of them so they can pay their VAT bill. GO
  SPEND!
https://hebtro.co/


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: BAD OPINIONS
  Shared at last

  We've been asking you for your bad opinions
  that you don't dare share.

  * "Mrs Brown's Boys is a finely-crafted show
  full of subtle humour"
  * "The Frog Chorus is McCartney's best song"
  * "James Corden may be flawed but is very
  talented"
  * "We should trial execution for petty but
  infuriating crimes such as fly-tipping. The
  death penalty is not a deterrent against murder
  but it would be against fly-tipping"
  * "Grease 2 is better than Grease. Fact."

  If you've got more bad opinions then share them
  with our bot which we're keeping behind a
  padlock because these opinions are so bad and
  dangerous:
https://twitter.com/anon_opin


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: AN OPEN LETTER TO THE BBC
  Embrace gaming vlogging please

  With BBC viewership in the news again because
  of an ageing audience your Ginger Controller
  Rob Manuel has a suggestion: "Dear BBC: start a
  full-time gaming vlogging channel for the
  sanity of parents.  As a public service
  broadcaster I genuinely think the BBC should
  make long-form gaming vlogger videos on YouTube
  but presented by people who aren't sexist,
  alt-right or swearing all the time. Parents
  need this as it's what kids watch."
http://bit.ly/2JI7He3


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: WEIRD GAME TIME
  "You are on a Zeppelin" Text Adventure

  It starts as a typical day flying your
  dirigible across the Mars landscape, but things
  soon get weird. "A puzzly text adventure game
  involving a zeppelin, some robots, a
  paternoster lift and a space elf," explains
  creator Newington.
http://versificator.net/zeppelin-adventure


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: NEED PR? BEST CALL ED
  Sponsored patreon

  "I'm Ed Zitron and I'm running the best PR
  company in the world - and I've been reading
  B3ta for 15 years so have sponsored them."
  Thank you Ed. You're the BEST. And you have
  100k followers on Twitter. Which is pretty
  impressive, can we borrow some?
https://twitter.com/edzitron


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: OLD COMPUTER GAME JOKES
  "Software Hamlet"

  Your newsletter editor has taken it onto
  himself to write about 70 throwaway about old
  computers. It's also an unlikely tribute to
  Software City in Wolverhampton, the place that
  took most of his paper-round money in the 80s.
  If any readers have a photos of the place we'd
  love to see it.
https://b3ta.com/blog/software-hamlet/

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: TRUMP PROTEST
  A giant orange Trump-baby hovering over London 

  "We've asked the Mayor to let us fly him over
  London when Trump visits Britain on 13th July,"
  writes unclepills. "But officials at City Hall
  have told us that #TrumpBaby is 'not a
  protest'. Apparently, he is 'art'" and
  therefore needs a different sort of permit.

  Would you like to see a 6m tall, bright orange
  baby annoying Donald Trump while he's here? You
  can bung them a few quid to get it done at the
  link below, or let them use your central London
  garden, if you have such a thing. And if you
  have such a thing, will you be our new sugar
  daddy?
http://www.crowdfunder.co.uk/trump-baby/ 


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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Kids' books with adult covers

  Last week we asked you to remake kids' books
  with adult covers and over 100 of you did,
  producing a fine collective work of art. It's
  really worth having a look, it's a minor
  classic of a challenge:
https://www.b3ta.com/challenge/kidscoversadultbooks/


  This week we're doing rejected greetings cards.
  Please do your worst.
https://www.b3ta.com/challenge/rejectedcards/


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: SITES IN BEEFS
  Other content that tickled our net penises

  >> Smooth Criminal - with beats missing <<
  The most enjoyable way to beat YouTube's
  copyright-detecting algorithm; simply fillet
  every other beat and create a Dadaist
  masterpiece of Michael Jackson moans and meaty
  beats.
http://bit.ly/2LSzyVj


  >> CBeebies World Cup anthem <<
  Bouncy, catchy and other words that describe
  our vague understanding of football. But this
  is a lovely thing, featuring scoutmaster wonder
  dog, Duggee and the Squirrels.
https://www.b3ta.com/links/World_Cup_anthem


  >> French Métro names taken literally <<
  "Photographs acting out the names of Paris
  Métro stations," helpfully points out
  notoolsovernight. A French photographer and
  chums have a good time acting out these names -
  a nice change to see this kind of thing when it
  isn't on the London Underground.
http://golem13.fr/janol-apin-stations-metro


  >> Depeche Mud <<
  Extremely raw early set from Basildon's premier
  synth-based entertainment troupe.
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Have_a_little_bit_of_Depeche_Mud


  >> ASCII art tattoos <<
  Upside: A very cool effect. Downside: When
  you're old people will think you got your leg
  caught in a dot matrix printer. 
https://www.vrontistattoo.com/tattoo


  >> Slayer vs George Michaels <<
  Sweaty metalheads thrash their guitars in a
  pyramid while sophisticated George flirts with
  a sexy lady on a yacht. Remember mashups? This
  would be one of the good ones.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UzFFK2dXgXg


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  Subbing = good, unsubbing = bad

https://www.b3ta.com/subscribe/

-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
  The people who make it all happen

  *JOSH MCMILLAN* *AARON HOLMES* *TOM JENKINS
  BATES* *JON GRANT* *SHOWRAT * *SIMON JAMES*
  *TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY*
  *KATE * *JAMES PETTS* *STEWART NOLAN* *BRYAN
  PEACOCK* *MARK MCCREADIE* *ALEX MORRIS* *JAMES
  O'BRIEN*

  ANDREW WREN, JAMES CRONIN, ALISTAIR , IAN
  SHEEN, NEIL HEPBURN, MARK ADAMSON, ANDREW
  FLEMMING, ALAN CHARLTON, SPAZZCAPTAIN , WENDY
  GOODE, JAIMIE VANDENBERGH, CHRIS BLAKENEY,
  BEVAN JOHNSON, CRISS MORENO, JO APPS, CHRIS
  LOCKE, ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, GREG MCGOWAN,
  RICHARD BARCLAY, PATRICK CATES, 24-7 DEATH, TOM
  WRIGHT, JON BINSTEAD, SIMON NICHOLLS, CHRIS
  CARLINE, BRIAN EELES, MICHAEL TRINDER, 5 +
  REWARD DESCRIPTION, EUGENIE VT, TOM DOLAN, LEE
  BURNETT, PETER COOPER.

  Richard Matthias, Auntiesash Hazlewood,
  Jonathan Ferguson, Tom O'bedlam, Brad Gregory,
  Graham Licence, Paul Rose (Mr Biffo), Ed Can
  Do, C Bond, Fergus Mckay, Steve Herman, Alex
  Walsh Atkins, Mick Curtis, Craig Turner, Joshua
  Thomasson, Dog Byte, Fearghas , Unklefiction ,
  Chris Gough, Fourstar , Jonty Wareing, Basel
  Kirmani, Montocat , Rob Affleck, Rhys Wynne,
  Matt Machell, Marina De Joslin, Jasper Koning,
  Ryan Rhodes, James Mounter, Chris Whitworth,
  James Macinnes, Geoff Tidey, John Higgs, Daniel
  Chote, Geoffrey Balme, Byron Geoffrey Farrow,
  Mark Wilson, Paul Cherry, Nick Ross, Ian
  Beveridge, Alex Mastin, Raul Arreola, Faith H.
  Martin, Tim Williams, David King, Jaymie
  Thomas, Sam Russell, Stephanie Radford, David
  Knoll, Ben Watson, Simon Holmes, Steve P,
  Gaynor Clarkson, Saleem Ahmad, Nicholas Martin,
  Chris Andrews, Jim Macarthur, John Hammersley,
  Andy Yates`, Andy Webber, Jack Barton, David
  Gardiner, Adam Molloy, Simon Mcdougall, Craig
  Tonks, Anna , Peter Gosling, Jason Stewart,
  Dave Nattriss, Philip Kinchington, Ian Boltz,
  Matt Drewry, Derek Roberts, Robbie Lesiuk,
  Bertram Wooster, Adam Inglis, James Clayton,
  David Harrison, Jim Frayling,  Mike Middleton,
  Richard Hobbs, Scott S. Kramer, Joe Simmonds,
  Julie Brumlik, Rob Mahon, Jamie Borrill, Paul
  Leader, Ivan Kelly, J&#464;m Mcn&#464;ven, Paul Healey,
  Andy Ashton, Tom Rees-Williams, David Mills,
  Martin Beer, Midnightrambler , Neil Ronketti,
  Matsimpsk , Jim Halfpenny, Dave Tickle, Andre
  Stiefenhofer, Matthew Forman, Gareth Noyce,
  Chris Paterson, James Woods, Pookong , Oliver
  Bewes, Iain , Adam Cooney, Sam Anderson, Albion
  Gray, Rupert Hull, Simon Henry, Simon
  Waterfall, Paul Westerman, Courtenay Ferris,
  Andy Tillett, Essy Dave, Martin Peache, Jerry
  Quartley, Bertil Hansson, Carl Morgan, Mark
  Hibbett, Daniel Brown, Rich Pope, John
  Matthews, Johnny Watters, Jamie Taylor, Adrian
  Woodfield, Stuart Ashen, Vicki Jakes, Jane
  Baker, Paul Smith, Will Goulden, Simon Cowan,
  Robin Whitmore, Steven Smith, Matthew Wilkes,
  John Docherty, Dan Stott, Siobhan Mcnally, Bill
  Atkinson, Jonathan , Starlord Mixtape,
  Gneissrocks , Steve Prowse, Tyronne Mann, Andy
  Storrar, Jay Roche, Peter Willman, Sarah
  Williamson, Kevin Johnston, Richard Chamley,
  Tom Gleeson, Mark Mcgowan, Ed Cook, Darren
  Stanley, Catroaster , Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
  Jim Woodward, Alexander Jamieson, Tom Crick,
  Ben Burton, Peter Ashtray, Adam Atack, Ac ,
  Derek Law, Mark Logue, Jon Weston, David
  Catley, John Foster, Matt Buchanan, Matthew
  Collinge, Joey Moore, Mark Hill, Joe Mcnally,
  Tom Ryan, Peter Mcminn, Ryan Doran, Konrad
  Petrusewicz, Wil Hadden, James Donnelly, Frank
  Hollis, Sean Casely, Chris Stammers, Al
  Davidson, Martin Mackenzie, Gus Nicol, Martin
  Holloway, Mike Davis, Steve Thornton, Tim
  Mouncer, Peter Wouda, Fraser Lewry, Matthew
  Morris, Wayne Myers, Rob Vincent, Chris Shaw,
  Rick Lindley, Greg Neilson, Blossomshed , Jude
  Evans, Kev Adams, Simon Smith, David
  Edmundson-Bird, @Mattdawhit , Brian Lancaster,
  Iain Henshaw, Mathew Smith, Gia Milinovich,
  Fiona James, Robert Hills, Natalee , Anne-Marie
  Scott, James Kerry-Barnard, Greenfox , Neil De
  Carteret, Stephen Waller, Luke Mepham, Stuart
  Alldred, Adam Lloyd, Andrew Scheuber, Chris
  Branch, Jonathan Wooddin, Obiw4N Shinobi, Jason
  Law, Dominic Haigh, Townsendspublisher , Steve
  Anglesey, Iain Brassington, Heidi Colthup, Ross
  Carter, Chris Evans, Edward Almond, James
  Golbey, Johnnie Shannon, Alex Lovett, Peter
  Coombe, David Ault, Kate Devlin, Alex Hayton,
  James Shakespeare, Jiminy Hall, Tim Weaver,
  Lisa Westhaven, James O'malley, Emma Lay, Phil
  Wade, Rossoverthere , Tim Jokl, Catherine
  Mcallister, Steve Laker, Damien Smith, Jim
  Dabell, John Faragher, Eric Von Borstel,
  Malcolm Franks, Richard Beckett, No Reward
  Description: (None For No Reward), Nick Morgan,
  Rog Sharples, Ben Brice, Iain Moffatt, Justin
  Brett, Louise Allen, David Green, Matthew
  Mould, Riven A Buckley, Robin , Luche , Ian
  Appleby, Pete , Tobie Fysh, Gavin Tommey,
  Stuart Richards, David Barton, Jess Baker, Tom
  Freke, Jan Spielhoff, Sean Flanagan, Mike
  Congreve, Chris Johnson, John Field, Emma
  Sykes, Carl Mesner Lyons, Ross Dobson, David
  Stark, Adam Beardwood, Dominic Le Garsmeur,
  Mark Benson, Chris Goode, Andrew Robinson,
  Nicky Hewgill, Michael Kitt, Tim Beachy, Rose
  Johnson, Paul Topping, Connor Parslow, Daniel
  Moeller, Irene Semanchuk, Alexandre Strube,
  Craig Naples, Steve Bryant, Richard Speed,
  Alastair Dodd, Rhys Jones, Joseph Mulvaney,
  Julie Beacock, Sentient Meatbag, Dan Tasse,
  Peter Royal, Harry Wearne, Duncan Strickland,
  Andy Candler, Deny Coughlan, Russ Anderson,
  Nick Kent, Dave Gee, Pete Ashton, Peter
  Keelback, Wine School Of Philadelphia, John
  Griffiths, Nick Murdoch, Rob Potter, James
  Meers, 5Telios , Paul Mancini, Al Napp, Tanya
  Kant, Jon Ramster, David Whittam, Jace Otting,
  Bsg , Andrew Harris, Chris Ward, Adam Tickner,
  Peter , Emily Payne, Tim Polglase, Ted Bowyer,
  Matt Carr, Bobod , Michael Bryan, Richard
  Midwinter, Neil Ives, Mark Ryan, Ben Chapman,
  David Bond, Ben , Robert Simpson, Gary Sharp,
  Andy Shirling, Fenris Games, James , Jim
  Lucking, Mark Madgwick, Ben Sugden, Russell
  Webster, Sham Courtney, Louis E, Andrea Vail,
  Rohan , Sam Brown, Marc Lindberg, Hugh Noble,
  Nigel Ford, Gwyn Fisher, Matt Loren, Centuries
  Of Sound, Amy Oliver, Christina Freeman, Paul
  Braithwaite, Tom Clark, Gregg Kuljian, Richard
  Abraham, Paul Slade, Alex Wrottesley, Ivan
  Shiel, Claire Allen, Iain M Barker, Dan Fairs,
  Tony East, Cat Conner, Jennifer Moquin, Claire
  Zolkwer, Seirian Hanner, Thea Mallett, Nick ,
  Ben Cowell-Thomas, Robert Purkis, Oli , Andy
  Nattan, Alex Wren, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Ilya
  &#268;olak-Anti&#263;, Adam Kaczmarek, Mike Carter, Daz
  Wright, Stewart C. Russell, John M, P
  Underwood, Thepfy , Hadleigh Charles, Mark
  Mcintosh, Stephen Williams, Peter Wood, Darren
  John Harris, Mike Booth, Simon Lumb, Tim
  Knight, Fuzzyfreaks , Stephen Mcauley, Phil
  Barns, Wigglywigglyworm , Lyra Jay, Lee Ball,
  Richard Keeling, David Ellinor, Rachel Tougas,
  Ben Groom, Mr Flibble, David Parry, Emma Nicol,
  Paul Bayfield, Swedemason , Jon Bounds,
  Stéphane.

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THANKS:

Words: Dave Stevenson and Rob Manuel.

Linky lovelies: presferatu, Ambegris, Yoofaloo,
gijoel.

Subjlols: @AlecofWharf

Site stuff: Wil, Kris, CR3, Monkeon, HappyToast.

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: PLEASE SUPPORT B3TA PATREON

  This is all funded by you. Please chuck money
  in so we can do stupid newsletters and make
  stupid bots instead of doing a proper job.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta


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  TOP TIP:
  Four out of five holes in your head are the
  exact same shape and size as your finger. This
  is not a coincidence. (Digeridude)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/

 
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