we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "WHY IS THE NEWSLETTER LATE WHEN WE PAY SOME SAD FUCK TO WRITE IT?"

next issue »
« previous issue

"WHY IS THE NEWSLETTER LATE WHEN WE PAY SOME SAD FUCK TO WRITE IT?"
This Week:
* DANNY DYER SOUNDBOARD - Pwopa nawty noises
* ASHENS' FILM - Free to watch online
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Trump's visit

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "After saving the web   
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    we're planning to
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   save Teletext & WAP"

B3ta email 684  - 6 Jul 2018

Read this issue pretending to be a bat:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue684

-------------------------------------------------

: DANNY DYER SOUNDBOARD
  Pwopa Nawty Noises
  
  This significant advance in cockney technology
  will allow you generate Dyerisms from your
  phone, desktop or phablet. BTW: We enjoyed
  putting this together, there's something
  delightful perverse about making a soundboard
  in 2018, but we're on a one-website mission to
  make the Internet fun again.
https://b3ta.com/danny-dyer-soundboard/


-------------------------------------------------

Human testicles have receptors that can taste
sweet, salty, bitter, sour and umami flavours.

Tasticles.

-------------------------------------------------

: WEIRD WEBCAM TOY
  Pretend you're scanning your face like it's '92

  "I made a little toy that slit-scans using your
  webcam. Walk past slowly for entertainingly
  warped limbs" writes Jonty Wareing who also
  recently did the rejected petitions bot we
  featured. Point it out of the window for lovely
  pictures of cars, or point it at your face for
  horrifying three-eyed
  monstrosities.
https://slitscan.space 


-------------------------------------------------

Guns N' Roses name only has the single apostrophe
- after the N, hence the missing word can't be
AND as it must start with an N.

Therefore we conclude that their full name is
Guns "Number 29 Bus" Roses.

-------------------------------------------------

: IF YOU NEED PR THEN CALL ED, OK?
  Sponsored patreon

  Maybe you need some PR? Then talk to this guy -
  to vary the link we're sending you to an
  interview he gave with Lifehacker.
http://bit.ly/2MUfP8k


-------------------------------------------------

: PICTURES THAT MOVE
  Short gags for people with short attention spans

  DrivelSieve has been animating photos and
  adding sound effects. We'd say it's like Terry
  Gilliam, but he's turned into an silly old
  pillock, so we'll say it's a bit like B3ta from
  2002.
http://bit.ly/2tZzwV5


-------------------------------------------------

If you remove the two plurals from the name Guns
'n Roses it sounds like a particularly solid pub
in the West Midlands.

The Gun And Rose.

-------------------------------------------------

: WATCH ASHENS' FILM
  Quest for the GameChild

  "IT HAS RETURNED. The improved Blu-Ray cut of
  Ashens and the Quest for the GameChild, now on
  the Ashens channel! An entire feature film you
  can watch for free right now." writes one-time
  B3tan Stuart Ashen. Actually, if you squint,
  you can spot your B3ta editor in this - the
  scene at the end where a couple of thugs beat
  up a guy in prison. Yes, he is one of the
  thugs, complete with IMDB credit for "dodgy
  guy".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Tf2As_AQ6s


-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE 
  Trump posters
 
  Let's give people protesting against Trump
  visiting the UK something to hold. Do your
  worst at:
https://www.b3ta.com/challenge/protesttrump/popular/


-------------------------------------------------

: TROUSERS TROUSERS TROUSERS TROUSERS TROUSERS
  Sponsored patreon

  B3tans have legs. B3tans need trousers. It's a
  match made in heaven.
https://hebtro.co/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BEEF
  Urls that aren't much to do with us which we like

  * MICROSOFT CAPTION BOT - nice bit of AI from
  the munchkins who brought you Minesweeper which
  attempts to add captions to photos you upload.
  Refuses to work with photos of naked ladies.
  But not if they're wearing bras. Yes, we tried
  it.
https://www.captionbot.ai/


  * NOSTALGIA OVERLOAD - Lovely collection of 60s
  (and possibly 70s and 80s) postcards showing
  the heyday of the British seaside resort before
  the package holiday came along and destroyed
  them.
http://bit.ly/2KUOQsG

  * PHANTOM ISLANDS - artefacts of the age of
  maritime discovery and colonial expansion.
  During centuries of ocean exploration these
  islands were sighted, charted, described and
  even explored  but their existence has never
  been ultimately verified. Fascinating stuff and
  well worth an explore.
http://andrewpekler.com/phantom-islands/


  * VOODOO WEB SCIENCE - An incredible
  experimental tool that allows you to encode
  small webpages inside a URL. The secrets of the
  universe are in this thing if you could just
  guess the address. 
http://about.bitty.site   


  * 50 SHADES OF BLOCK CHAIN - what do you get if
  you force a bot to read Fifty Shades of Grey
  and a ton of cryptocurrency whitepapers? Some
  lols.
https://twitter.com/blockshade/status/1014338653366054912


  * GAY HISTORY THREAD - fascinating Twitter
  thread where someone finds a load of gay rights
  badges in a loft and... you read it. 
https://twitter.com/gawanmac/status/1013167833684041730

-------------------------------------------------

Whoever you support in this World Cup we can all
agree that ITV is a pile of shit.

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEKS' ISSUE
  Make some stuff, become 'B3ta famous'

  * IF ADS TOLD THE TRUTH #17 - edit Amazon Alexa
  ads for accuracy and have the users repeating
  all requests three times with increasing
  frustration.

  * THUMP TRUMP - an interactive toy that allows
  people to dominate the Don. 
 
  * VHS VIDEO CHOOSER - this week we were
  struggling in this world of infinite choice to
  work out what to watch and we thought "wish we
  could visit a video store in 1985 and select
  from there." Maybe hook up some Wikipedia lists
  of old VHS releases to a nice interface?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1985_in_home_video 

  Send your stuff to:
http://b3ta.com/mailus


-------------------------------------------------

: THANKS

  Wil, Cr3, Kris, Matt Round.
  Tip via ma0sm.
  LInks: via The_cold_stare, Enzyme


  Subjlols via @beaubodor.
  Proofing from @simonmacmichael.

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS

  * JOSH MCMILLAN, * AARON HOLMES, * TOM JENKINS
  BATES, * JON GRANT, * SHOWRAT , * SIMON JAMES,
  * TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE, * MR PHIL DONNELLY,
  * KATE , * JAMES PETTS, * STEWART NOLAN, * MARK
  MCCREADIE, * ALEX MORRIS, * JAMES O'BRIEN.

  GEORGE STEPHENSON, NAT KING COLESLAW, ANDREW
  WREN, JAMES CRONIN, ALISTAIR , IAN SHEEN, NEIL
  HEPBURN, MARK ADAMSON, ANDREW FLEMING, ALAN
  CHARLTON, SPAZZCAPTAIN , WENDY GOODE, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, CHRIS BLAKENEY, BEVAN JOHNSON,
  CRISS MORENO, JO APPS, CHRIS LOCKE, ALBERT
  MARSHMALLOW, GREG MCGOWAN, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  PATRICK CATES, 24-7 DEATH, TOM WRIGHT, JON
  BINSTEAD, SIMON NICHOLLS, CHRIS CARLINE, BRIAN
  EELES, MICHAEL TRINDER.

  Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, lee burnett, Peter
  Cooper, Chris Saunders, Mike Middleton, Richard
  Matthias, AuntieSash Hazlewood, Jonathan
  Ferguson, Brad Gregory, Graham Licence, Paul
  Rose (Mr Biffo), Ed Can Do, C Bond, Fergus
  McKay, Steve herman, Alex Walsh Atkins, Mick
  Curtis, Craig Turner, Joshua Thomasson, Dog
  Byte, Fearghas , unklefiction , Chris Gough,
  fourstar , Jonty Wareing, Basel Kirmani,
  Montocat , Rob Affleck, Rhys Wynne, Matt
  Machell, Marina de Joslin, Jasper Koning, Ryan
  Rhodes, Chris Whitworth, James Macinnes, Geoff
  Tidey, John Higgs, Daniel Chote, Geoffrey
  Balme, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Mark Wilson, Paul
  Cherry, Nick Ross, Ian Beveridge, Alex Mastin,
  Raul Arreola, Faith H. Martin, Tim Williams,
  David King, Jaymie Thomas, Sam Russell,
  Stephanie Radford, David Knoll, Ben Watson,
  Simon Holmes, Steve P, Gaynor Clarkson, Saleem
  Ahmad, nicholas martin, Chris Andrews, Jim
  MacArthur, John Hammersley, Andy Yates`, Andy
  Webber, Jack Barton, David Gardiner, Adam
  Molloy, Simon McDougall, Craig Tonks, Anna ,
  Peter Gosling, Jason Stewart, Dave Nattriss,
  Philip Kinchington, Ian Boltz, Matt Drewry,
  Derek ROBERTS, Robbie Lesiuk, Bertram Wooster,
  Adam Inglis, James Clayton, David Harrison, Jim
  Frayling,  Mike Middleton, Scott S. Kramer, Joe
  Simmonds, Julie Brumlik, Rob Mahon, Jamie
  Borrill, Paul Leader, Ivan Kelly, J&#464;m
  McN&#464;ven, Paul Healey, Andy Ashton, Tom
  Rees-Williams, David Mills, Martin Beer,
  midnightrambler , matsimpsk , Jim Halfpenny,
  Dave Tickle, Andre Stiefenhofer, Matthew
  Forman, Gareth Noyce, Chris Paterson, James
  Woods, pookong , oliver bewes, Iain , Adam
  Cooney, Sam Anderson, Albion Gray, Rupert Hull,
  Simon Henry, Simon waterfall, Paul Westerman,
  Courtenay Ferris, Andy Tillett, Essy Dave,
  Martin Peache, Jerry Quartley, Bertil Hansson,
  Carl Morgan, Mark Hibbett, Daniel Brown, Rich
  Pope, John Matthews, JOHNNY WATTERS, Jamie
  Taylor, Adrian Woodfield, Stuart Ashen, Vicki
  Jakes, Jane Baker, Paul Smith, Will Goulden,
  Simon Cowan, Robin Whitmore, Steven Smith,
  Matthew Wilkes, John Docherty, Dan Stott,
  Siobhan McNally, Bill Atkinson, Starlord
  Mixtape, Gneissrocks , Steve Prowse, Tyronne
  Mann, Andy Storrar, Jay Roche, Peter Willman,
  Sarah Williamson, Kevin Johnston, Richard
  Chamley, Tom Gleeson, Mark McGowan, Ed Cook,
  Darren Stanley, Catroaster , Iain Fuller, Iain
  Ruxton, Jim Woodward, Alexander Jamieson, Tom
  Crick, Ben Burton, Peter Ashtray, Adam Atack,
  AC , Derek Law, Mark Logue, Jon Weston, David
  Catley, John Foster, Matt Buchanan, Matthew
  Collinge, Joey moore, Mark Hill, Joe McNally,
  Tom Ryan, Peter McMinn, Ryan Doran, Konrad
  Petrusewicz, Wil Hadden, James Donnelly, Frank
  Hollis, sean casely, Chris Stammers, Al
  Davidson, martin mackenzie, Gus Nicol, Martin
  Holloway, Mike Davis, Steve Thornton, Tim
  Mouncer, peter wouda, Fraser Lewry, Matthew
  Morris, Rob Vincent, Chris Shaw, Rick Lindley,
  Greg Neilson, blossomshed , Jude Evans, Kev
  Adams, Simon Smith, David Edmundson-Bird,
  @mattdawhit , Brian Lancaster, Iain Henshaw,
  Matthew Smith, Gia Milinovich, Fiona James,
  Robert Hills, Natalee , Anne-Marie Scott, James
  Kerry-Barnard, Greenfox , Neil de Carteret,
  Stephen Waller, Luke Mepham, Stuart Alldred,
  Adam Lloyd, Andrew Scheuber, Chris Branch,
  Jonathan Wooddin, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, Jason Law,
  Dominic Haigh, TownsendsPublisher , Steve
  Anglesey, Iain Brassington, Heidi Colthup, Ross
  Carter, Chris Evans, Edward Almond, James
  Golbey, Johnnie Shannon, Alex Lovett, Peter
  Coombe, David Ault, Kate Devlin, Alex Hayton,
  James Shakespeare, Jiminy Hall, Tim Weaver,
  Lisa Westhaven, James O'Malley, Emma Lay, Phil
  Wade, RossOverThere , Tim Jokl, Catherine
  McAllister, Steve Laker, Damien Smith, Jim
  Dabell, John Faragher, Eric von Borstel,
  Malcolm Franks, Richard Beckett, No Reward
  Description: (None for No Reward), Nick Morgan,
  Rog Sharples, Ben Brice, Iain Moffatt, Justin
  Brett, Louise Allen, David Green, Riven A
  Buckley, Robin , Luche , Ian Appleby, Pete ,
  Tobie Fysh, Gavin Tommey, Stuart Richards,
  David Barton, Jess Baker, Tom Freke, Jan
  Spielhoff, Sean Flanagan, Mike Congreve, Chris
  Johnson, John Field, Emma Sykes, Carl Mesner
  Lyons, Ross Dobson, David Stark, Adam
  Beardwood, Danny Kodicek, Dominic Le Garsmeur,
  Mark Benson, Chris Goode, Andrew Robinson,
  Nicky Hewgill, Michael Kitt, Tim Beachy, Rose
  Johnson, Paul Topping, Connor Parslow, Daniel
  Moeller, Irene Semanchuk, Alexandre Strube,
  Craig Naples, Steve Bryant, Richard Speed,
  Alastair Dodd, Rhys Jones, Joseph Mulvaney,
  Julie Beacock, Sentient Meatbag, Dan Tasse,
  peter royal, Harry Wearne, Duncan STrickland,
  Andy Candler, Deny Coughlan, Russ Anderson,
  Nick Kent, Jonathan , Phil H, Andrew Anderson,
  Ian Silvester, Ben Webb, Graham Freeman, Dave
  Gee, Peter Keelback, Wine School of
  Philadelphia, John Griffiths, Nick Murdoch, Rob
  Potter, James Meers, 5telios , Paul Mancini, Al
  Napp, Tanya Kant, Jon Ramster, David Whittam,
  Jace Otting, BSG , Andrew Harris, Chris Ward,
  Adam Tickner, Peter , Emily Payne, Tim
  Polglase, Ted Bowyer, Matt Carr, Bobod ,
  Michael Bryan, Richard Midwinter, Neil Ives,
  Mark Ryan, Ben Chapman, David Bond, Ben ,
  Robert Simpson, Gary Sharp, Andy Shirling,
  Fenris Games, James , Jim Lucking, mark
  madgwick, Ben Sugden, Russell Webster, Sham
  Courtney, Louis E, Andrea Vail, Rohan , Sam
  Brown, Marc Lindberg, Hugh Noble, Nigel Ford,
  Gwyn Fisher, Matt Loren, Centuries of Sound,
  Amy Oliver, Christina Freeman, Paul
  Braithwaite, Tom Clark, Gregg Kuljian, Richard
  Abraham, Paul Slade, Alex Wrottesley, Ivan
  Shiel, Claire Allen, Iain M Barker, Dan Fairs,
  Tony East, Cat Conner, Jennifer Moquin, Claire
  Zolkwer, Seirian Hanner, Thea Mallett, Nick ,
  ben cowell-thomas, Robert Purkis, Oli , Andy
  Nattan, Alex Wren, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Ilya
  &#268;olak-Anti&#263;, Adam Kaczmarek, Mike
  Carter, Daz Wright, Stewart C. Russell, John M,
  P Underwood, Thepfy , Hadleigh Charles, Mark
  McIntosh, Stephen Williams, Peter Wood, Darren
  John Harris, Mike Booth, Simon Lumb, Tim
  Knight, FuzzyFreaks , Stephen McAuley, Phil
  Barns, wigglywigglyworm , Lyra Jay, Lee Ball,
  Richard keeling, David Ellinor, Rachel Tougas,
  Ben Groom, Mr Flibble, David Parry, Emma Nicol,
  Paul Bayfield, Swedemason , Jon Bounds,
  Stéphane.

-------------------------------------------------

: SOCIAL MEDIA PROMO
  Block / unfriend B3ta NOW!
  
  We've spoken to a young person (36) and they
  say MySpace isn't the thing anymore and we
  should get on Beebo and Friendster. So here we
  are:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
https://www.twitter.com/b3ta


-------------------------------------------------

: ANY OTHER BUSINESS?

  * Sub to the newsletter via 
https://www.b3ta.com/subscribe/

  * Submit YOUR content to newsletter:
https://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  * Fund the newsletter via the patreon:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

  * Write a joke that we might stick in next week:
https://www.b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/all/

  TOP TIP: When you find yourself stuck with
  someone talking at you incessantly. Simply tap
  them on the head mid-sentence and say "snooze".

next issue »
« previous issue