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NEWSLETTER: "HAPPY LEAP FRIDAY!"

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This Week:
* CHALLENGE - Remove letters from LPs
* VOTE - Vote on 'Shed of the year' NOW!
* QOTW GOLD - 'Wank Alarm'

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving the webs
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  by never bothing with
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     any dusting"

B3ta sex telex 69-zero  - 18th Aug 2018

Read this issue after rubbing LSD on your balls:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue690

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: THIS WEEK'S IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Remove a letter from LPs

  Similar to last week, but this time it's LPs
  and very specifically removing a letter. 
https://www.b3ta.com/challenge/letterremovedlps/

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If you're a band please call your next LP "Alexa, stop"

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: VOTE ON SHED OF THE YEAR
  It's that time of year again

  For the past 10 or so years Uncle Wilco has
  been posting his 'Shed Of The Year' on the b3ta
  boards and it's taken him from his own shed to
  being a TV show. Although he says, "We are not
  on the telly this year but you can still vote
  for your favourite from the finalists."
https://www.shedblog.co.uk/2018/08/14/shed-of-the-year-2018-finalists-announced-vote-now/

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Add your age to 1940 and then google the number
plus Cliff Richard to see what Cliff Richard
looked like at your age.

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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK /GOLD/
  Wank Alarm
  
  "When I was 11, I was into electronics. My best
  ever project was to install Maplin type
  pressure pads around the house under the
  carpet, and wire them all up to little light
  bulbs, attach all the bulbs to a wooden board,
  and label them with their locations. I did all
  of this when my parents were out, and for
  years, I could tell where people were in the
  house - roughly.

  "As I became a teenager, this actually proved
  fantastically useful as a rudimentary wank
  alert, and allow me enough time to hide my
  tadger should anyone head toward my bedroom
  door.

  "I moved out of there 20 years ago, but bought
  the house off my parents about 5 years ago.

  "Funnily enough, the system is still there, and
  god bless, it mostly still works. As my old
  childrens bedroom is now my grown up office, it
  still performs the exact job it did all those
  years ago. Only it now warns me of my missus'
  approach. I'm never going to reveal it to her
  but I shall pass it on to my son one day."
https://www.b3ta.com/questions/technohacks/

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The oldest millennial was born in 1981. There's
millennial parents out there who had children at
18 whose kids got their A-level results this week.

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: TROUSER TROUBLE? CALL HEBTRO
  Sponsored Patreon

  We reckon 99% of our readers probably have
  legs. And most people who have legs probably
  want to cover them in some trousers. Speak to
  Hebtro. They'll sort you the shit out.
https://hebtro.co/

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: HEADLINES OF THE WEEK
  Real sentences from the web's finest journalists

  * "An escaped parrot stuck on a roof told its
  rescuers to ‘f*** off’" (The Scotsman)

  * "The couple didn’t order a strip tease at the
  steakhouse. But they got one anyway." (Miami
  Herald)

  * British gran complains her holiday in
  Benidorm was ruined by ‘too many Spanish
  people’ (The Mirror and pretty much everyone)

  Compiled with the help of Alistair Coleman who
  has a book out soon and wants some publicity
  ok? So pre-order it NOW!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07GL8ZDLK/b3ta-21

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We know we're meant to hate Elon Musk but doing
acid, hanging out with pop stars and posting
jokes on Twitter sounds like he's living the best
life.

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: LAST WEEK'S IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Letter Change Companies

  Last week we played with company logos and
  changing letters. It was a pretty strong
  challenge as it's clear and easy to enter so
  there were over 100 entries. Which was nice.
  It's still open actually if you want to either
  add new ones or just look at the results.
https://www.b3ta.com/challenge/letterchangecompany/popular/

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Best explanation of Bitcoin so far: imagine if
keeping your car idling 24/7 produced solved
Sudokus you could trade for heroin. (@Theophite)

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  * CIRCUIT BENT BIBLE - did you know you could
  buy an electronic bible for about £20 on
  Amazon? Well you can, to read you the Lord's
  words as you skip through the hell we call
  life. And this rather too perky chap has
  circuit bent it to make it all wibbly wobbly.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fyc-OTa9xpY

  * "ENHANCE! ZOOM!" - shout Bladerunner inspired
  phrases like "up! zoom! enhance" at your
  computer until you get shot in about 17 moves.
  But still, fun interface.
https://www.enhance.computer/

  * FAIL GIFS - 60 short videos that should be
  titled "we now go live, over to Brexit"
https://imgur.com/gallery/krJ3g3Y

  * AI DRAWINGS - interprets text and tries to
  draw it. It's not very good.
http://t2i.cvalenzuelab.com/

  * OLD COMPUTER MUSEUM - we want to go to this
  museum but it's too far away from us.
https://twitter.com/ThatAndromeda/status/1027988913904742400

  * LOOPING ANIMATIONS - this guy must be a
  psychopath, it's all too nest and perfect
https://www.instagram.com/wannerstedt/

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Offering our services to pop stars who want 12”
undance mixes. Techniques include: adding /
removing beats in the bar to trip up dancers,
slowing the song as it goes, changing the order
of the lyrics, a bit in 3/4, and making the
record unexpectedly too quiet.

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: ED ZITRON = PUBLIC RELATIONS
  Sponsored Patreon

  Do you need some PR in your life? Best call ED.
https://twitter.com/edzitron

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: LISTEN TO THE SOUNDS OF 1905
  Using the audio facilities of your computer

  Zuowan makes mixes based on ancient recordings
  and writes "only 12 years away from the dawn of
  the jazz age, here is 1905. This was one of
  those mixes where I started off lamenting the
  paucity of good material, then by the end found
  I had no way to cram in all the best stuff
  unless I made the mix 6 minutes too long, so
  that's what it is. So it starts a bit slowly,
  with many of the best bits towards the end."
https://centuriesofsound.wordpress.com/2018/08/10/1905/

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: SHIT MIDI YOUTUBE CHANNEL
  The entertainment never stops at b3ta dot com

  Simon Carless writes, "If you've ever wanted to
  hear MIDI versions of Baby D's 'Let Me Be Your
  Fantasy' or The Beloved's 'Sweet Harmony'
  played on a special MIDI jukebox in a tiki bar
  (actually my basement), then my new MIDI Tiki
  Show YouTube channel is for you."
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCtRtOAXaRMvfI2Uchhb3e0Q

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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories

  * WHO THE HELL UPDATES CELEB DEATHS ON
  WIKIPEDIA SO QUICKLY? - "I included a reference
  to your newsletter question in my latest
  article for Slate" speaks Stephen Harrison
https://slate.com/technology/2018/08/the-people-who-update-wikipedia-pages-when-celebrities-like-aretha-franklin-die.html

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Show us your shit and get famous a bit

  * TWITTER DEATH - The truly brave way to leave
  Twitter would be to write a bit of code that
  soft blocked all your followers until it was
  zero. Then you’d have nothing to come back to.

  * PAYWALL BUSTER - A Chrome extension that
  keeps a list of sites with a paywall - that
  automatically opens a incognito browser if you
  click them to get past the "four free articles
  a month" bollocks.

  * JOURNALIST TIME WASTER - A bot that replies
  to every single #journorequests with 100
  variations on the phrase "yeah, me", "I know
  all about that" & "you've come to the right
  place" and keeps replying similarly to their
  every request for more info

  Send your stuff to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

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: PATREON THANKS

  They bought ads: EdZitron & HebTroCo.

  *THEY BOUGHT CAPS AND ASTERISKS!* *STOOBERT*,
  *JOSH MCMILLAN*, *AARON HOLMES*, *TOM JENKINS
  BATES*, *JON GRANT*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*,
  *KATE*, *JAMES PETTS*, *STEWART NOLAN*, *MARK
  MCCREADIE*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*

  THEY BOUGHT CAPS: GEORGE STEPHENSON, NAT KING
  COLESLAW, ANDREW WREN, JAMES CRONIN, ALISTAIR ,
  IAN SHEEN, NEIL HEPBURN, MARK ADAMSON, ANDREW
  FLEMMING, ALAN CHARLTON, SPAZZCAPTAIN , WENDY
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  WRIGHT, JON BINSTEAD, SIMON NICHOLLS, CHRIS
  CARLINE, BRIAN EELES, MICHAEL TRINDER

  They bought a mention: Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan,
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  Stéphane.

Thanks everyone for supporting us, and if you
don't, please consider it.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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: NEWSLETTER CREDIT CRAWL

  Thanks to Wil, Kris, Alistair Coleman, Happy Toast.
  Links from Tusk & Simbosan
  Joke by Monkeon. A bit of proofing by CCC.
  Newsletter written by Rob Manuel in a bad mood.

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: SOCIAL MEDIA PROMO
  Block / unfriend B3ta NOW!
  
  Apparently people are moving to Mastodon? Fuck
  knows why, follow us there and enough people do
  we'll start posting on it properly.
https://mastodon.social/@b3ta
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
https://www.twitter.com/b3ta

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How many gammon does it take to change a
lightbulb?

Millions. First to successfully campaign to leave
the EU, and then to wait in the dark for the
proper inefficient incandescent light bulbs to
make a comeback.

https://www.b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/all/

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