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NEWSLETTER: "WANT TO FEEL OLD? TURN ON THE FRONT FACING CAMERA"

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This Week:
* ROBOTS TALKING TO ROBOTS - Funnyish hack
* ARGOS - A bot that posts old Argos tat
* QOTW GOLD - the /notorious/ threesome story

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   by backing it up
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    to archive.org"

B3ta email 691  - 24 Aug 2018

Alexa, read the B3ta newsletter in a robot voice:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue691

-------------------------------------------------

: ROBOTS TALKING TO ROBOTS
  An impractical but amusing interface to Spotify

  Your newsletter editor has been wasting his
  life making an interface to Alexa that works by
  getting his laptop to talk to it. You might
  think this is utterly pointless but it is fun
  and you can download the code and play with it
  yourself should you want. Or just watch the
  video.
https://b3ta.com/blog/robot-dj/

-------------------------------------------------

: RHYMING FOOD MENU 

* Trouts with sprouts
* Carrots with parrots
* Bees with peas
* Lambs and jams
* Porks with stalks
* Twiglets and piglets
* Salmon and gammon.
* Beef and Leaf
* Chicken with sick in
* Horse in sauce
* Candy with brandy

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: LAST WEEK'S CHALLENGE
  Remove a letter from an LP

  230 entries in our "remove a letter from an LP"
  challenge. That's numbers a bit like when we
  were more popular. Anyway. Still time to join
  in and pretend like it's 2004 again.
https://www.b3ta.com/challenge/letterremovedlps/popular/

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: OLD ARGOS CATALOGUE BOT
  Random pages to make you nostalgic

  Inspired by our @yorecomputer and
  @randomsmashhits project comes @OldUKCatalogues
  who write "Would you be interested in this new
  feed?"

  We are literally planning to do this ourselves
  but haven't got round to it yet - although the
  main thing we'd have done different is to
  upload the material to archive.org first so
  everyone could use it:
https://twitter.com/OldUKCatalogues

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Everyone who tweets who claims they read books is
a liar. It's like heroin addicts claiming they're
into jogging.

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: B3TANS MAKING BOTS WITH THEIR CHILDREN
  We'll be making Alexa skills with grandkids next

  Shardcore, botman extraordinaire and he who
  gave us the most useful bit of tech advice
  we've received in the last ten years ("Use
  Python. It's got libraries for everything. It's
  like putting Lego together"), anyway he's been
  repurposing his Factbot with the input of his
  Tumblraware daughter:

  He writes "hello, if you are looking for
  newsletter fodder, you might find this story of
  collaborative botmaking with my daughter
  suitable for the b3ta demographic ;)"
http://www.shardcore.org/shardpress/2018/08/23/factbot-jr/

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: THIS WEEK'S IMAGE CHALLENGE
  British Computer games

  Ok. We've got a new challenge up. British
  Computer games. You know er... Space Invaders
  where you apologise for every alien shot.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/britishcomputergames/popular

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Programming is mostly writing a cool little
function and then wanting to get a pat on the
head and you don't get one because nobody has a
clue what you're doing.

-------------------------------------------------

: CLOG RAVING
  Old music synced with slightly older video

  The Tramp Surveyor writes, "I edited some old
  BFI footage of clog dancing with some 90s rave
  music. Yeahhhh." 
http://b3ta.com/links/1496109 

-------------------------------------------------

The best way to create equality is to jumble up
the babies in hospitals. The rich will be
motivated to pay taxes to improve the chances of
their genetic offspring, everyone gets the same
lottery chance at being born into wealth, and
shouting "BABY JUMBLE" is joyful.

-------------------------------------------------

: TROUSER TROUBLE? CALL HEBTRO
  Sponsored Patreon

  Do you remember what it was like before Hebtro
  invented trousers? Men walked around in shorts.
  Make sure that never happens again:
https://hebtro.co/

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: HEADLINES OF THE WEEK
  Sentences from the world's finest journalists
  
  * "Edinburgh Zoo has denied it employs a
  penguin erector" (Dundee Courier)

  * "Christian poet harassed by porn WhatsApp
  groups run by a 'mentally challenged' rabbit
  farmer" (South Africa News 24)

  * "Mum thinks her house might be haunted by a
  'spunking ghost' - and people are agreeing with
  her" (Daily Mirror)

  * "The Two Stone Cabbage" (Manx Independent)

  Compiled with the "help" of Scaryduck who has a
  book out soon and wants you to pre-order it NOW.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07GL8ZDLK/b3ta-21

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: ED ZITRON = PUBLIC RELATIONS
  Sponsored Patreon

  Ed does PR stuff and if you want some PR then
  ED is your guy. Everybody loves PR right? 
https://www.edzitron.com/

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
  
  * PEANUTS SYNCED WITH 2112 BY RUSH - this made
  us quite like Rush, it's that good.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IOKT_sC9ac

  * MAN FINDS OLD PHOTOS - compelling thread from
  about finding a box a 100 year old slides and
  trying to use the internet to suss out who they
  are. A mystery still unresolved.  
https://twitter.com/meandmybigmouth/status/1031476453785919488

  * TWITTER WITHOUT THE ALGORITHM - Well, Twitter
  with a simpler algorithm which is just "tweets
  from people I follow, in chronological order
  and maybe some likes"
http://realtwitter.com  

  * THEME TO KNIGHT RIDER ON A BANJO AND
  ACCORDION - Gijoel writes, "The guy's got
  skills."
http://b3ta.com/links/1496229 

  * JUST WILLIAM AND THE NAZIS - Ambegris writes,
  "So I've found out there's a Just William story
  I've never read, written in 1934, in which The
  Outlaws decide to model themselves after the
  German chancellor. William himself wants to be
  called 'Him Hitler' and they start harassing
  the village's only Jewish person." Holy shit!
http://justwilliamsyear.co.uk/william-the-detective/william-and-the-nasties 

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We've given the Twitter feed @b3ta_links a poke
to get it working again after it died in the
great B3ta hard disk crash. Make sure you follow
it for the best links from our /links board. 
https://twitter.com/b3ta_links

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: THE MEANING OF GIFF
  Redefined towns for the web 1.0 generation

  * TIMPERLEY  - The small key-like object
  supplied with some brands of smartphone to open
  the sim card slot.  (Smallbrainfield)

  * MAMBLE (V) - To attempt to refute an
  accusation of mansplaining with an even longer
  and more patronising explanation (cumquat may)

  * TEIGNMOUTH - to brazenly harvest the online
  posted witticisms of people into an article,
  book, publication, script or similar.
  (garidead)

  * HEBBING END - the section of a powerpoint
  presentation that extends beyond the projection
  surface and instead is projected onto some
  nearby curtains or ceiling tiles. (alistair)

  * SKIPTON - The unfinished pint left by a
  politician after a photo opportunity.
  (Smallbrainfield)

  * ROUNDHAY - A person who changes from portrait
  to landscape mode half way through a video.
  (alistair)

  If you've got any towns you want to define,
  head over to the 'Meaning Of Giff':
http://b3ta.com/questions/themeaningofgiff

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Do an internet turd and become internet famous

  * DRAMA BE GONE - A script that mutes anyone
  who screenshotted people to demonstrate that
  the other person was a pillock would remove 80%
  of the drama on Twitter.

  * WHO WOULD HAVE YOU BEEN IF YOU WERE FAMOUS?
  The best selling music artist who's about the
  age of this writer is Eminem. So if our teenage
  dreams of being a pop star had come true, the
  market would have dictated we've have had to
  been a white rapper. Which, would have sucked,
  lucky escape there.

  * A ARTICLE IDEA WE'RE TOO LAZY TO RESEARCH -
  someone quizzing a policeman to write "27
  crimes you'll most likely get away with" would
  potentially be a good read.

  * BBC CONCENTRATE -  A BBC radio station they
  only plays instrumental music with DJs only
  allowed to speak to name the tracks /artists
  every 30 mins - for people who are working.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS

  They bought ads: EdZitron & HebTroCo.

  *THEY BOUGHT CAPS AND ASTERISKS!* *STOOBERT*,
  *JOSH MCMILLAN*, *AARON HOLMES*, *TOM JENKINS
  BATES*, *JON GRANT*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*,
  *KATE*, *JAMES PETTS*, *STEWART NOLAN*, *MARK
  MCCREADIE*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*

  THEY BOUGHT CAPS: GEORGE STEPHENSON, NAT KING
  COLESLAW, ANDREW WREN, JAMES CRONIN, ALISTAIR ,
  IAN SHEEN, NEIL HEPBURN, MARK ADAMSON, ANDREW
  FLEMMING, ALAN CHARLTON, SPAZZCAPTAIN , WENDY
  GOODE, JAIMIE VANDENBERGH, CHRIS BLAKENEY,
  BEVAN JOHNSON, CRISS MORENO, JO APPS, CHRIS
  LOCKE, ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, GREG MCGOWAN,
  RICHARD BARCLAY, PATRICK CATES, 24-7 DEATH, TOM
  WRIGHT, JON BINSTEAD, SIMON NICHOLLS, CHRIS
  CARLINE, BRIAN EELES, MICHAEL TRINDER

  They bought a mention: Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan,
  lee burnett, Peter Cooper, Rebecca McManus, Bex
  Cook, Hannah Chubb, Martin Davies, George
  Preston, Chris Saunders, Mike Middleton,
  Richard Matthias, AuntieSash Hazlewood, Brad
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  Joshua Thomasson, Dog Byte, Fearghas ,
  unklefiction , Chris Gough, fourstar , Jonty
  Wareing, Basel Kirmani, Montocat , Rob Affleck,
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  Jasper Koning, Ryan Rhodes, Chris Whitworth,
  James Macinnes, Geoff Tidey, John Higgs, Daniel
  Chote, Geoffrey Balme, Byron Geoffrey Farrow,
  Mark Wilson, Paul Cherry, Nick Ross, Ian
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  Martin, Tim Williams, David King, Jaymie
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  Simon Holmes, Steve P, Gaynor Clarkson, Saleem
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  Barton, David Gardiner, Adam Molloy, Simon
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  Jason Stewart, Dave Nattriss, Philip
  Kinchington, Ian Boltz, Matt Drewry, Derek
  ROBERTS, Robbie Lesiuk, Bertram Wooster, Adam
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  OBiW4N SHiNOBi, Dominic Haigh,
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  Paul Mancini, Al Napp, Tanya Kant, Jon Ramster,
  David Whittam, Jace Otting, BSG , Andrew
  Harris, Chris Ward, Adam Tickner, Peter , Emily
  Payne, Tim Polglase, Ted Bowyer, Matt Carr,
  Bobod , Michael Bryan, Richard Midwinter, Neil
  Ives, Mark Ryan, Ben Chapman, David Bond, Ben ,
  Robert Simpson, Gary Sharp, Andy Shirling,
  Fenris Games, James , Jim Lucking, mark
  madgwick, Ben Sugden, Russell Webster, Sham
  Courtney, Louis E, Andrea Vail, Rohan , Sam
  Brown, Marc Lindberg, Hugh Noble, Nigel Ford,
  Gwyn Fisher, Matt Loren, Centuries of Sound,
  Amy Oliver, Christina Freeman, Paul
  Braithwaite, Tom Clark, Gregg Kuljian, Richard
  Abraham, Paul Slade, Alex Wrottesley, Ivan
  Shiel, Claire Allen, Iain M Barker, Dan Fairs,
  Tony East, Cat Conner, Jennifer Moquin, Claire
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  Paul Bayfield, Swedemason , Jon Bounds,
  Stéphane.

  Thanks everyone for supporting us, and if you
  don't, please consider it.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

-------------------------------------------------

: REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY SOCIAL MEDIA PROMO
  Block / unfriend B3ta NOW!
  
  Social media has largely become a machine for
  amplifying the word "Trump" and making us all
  hate each other, so block us now at:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
https://www.twitter.com/b3ta

-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP: WHEN CROSSING ROADS - rather than
  looking both ways before crossing simply add the
  vectors of both directions and look straight
  ahead. (Crack, 10 votes)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/  

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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK /GOLD/
  Three's a crowd
 
  My sex misconception was that having my first
  threesome would be a good idea.

  It didn’t happen by accident. One of my best
  mates, let’s call him Darren, had a girlfriend
  who was liberal to the point of having no
  inhibitions whatsoever. This suited Darren
  perfectly and he used to boast to me regularly
  about the latest perversion they’d tested in
  the bedroom (or the kitchen, or the park… you
  get the idea).

  I was midway through Uni at the time but Darren
  and I had been friends all the way through
  school, been in sports teams together and it’s
  fair to say we knew each other about as well as
  two guys can, or so I thought. His girlfriend
  Jenny was a couple of years older than us but
  we’d both known her at school too. She was a
  stunning girl and great fun but unashamedly
  also a sexual deviant.

  The night of Darren’s birthday was when it
  happened. We were all a bit drunk and in no
  mood to stop when the music at the nightclub
  finished, so it was decided to go back to their
  house to continue the party. In the back of the
  cab, Jenny in the middle and Darren and me on
  either side, it became clear I was in for more
  than I’d bargained when she started groping me.
  A quick glance to the left revealed that Darren
  was already getting a hand job. He turned to me
  and said “Jenny’s always fancied a threes-up
  with you and me, how about it?”.

  Well, what could I say? Nothing, as it
  happened. She winked at me, I smiled nervously
  in reply and she unbuttoned my flies with her
  free hand …

  After an awkward payment to the blushing
  cabbie, we piled into their house and into the
  living room. I had no idea what to expect, it
  felt like losing my virginity again. She
  dabbled with the idea of just getting down to
  it right there, but Darren pointed out that the
  bedroom would be more comfortable. Our trio of
  bodies gradually made its way through the
  hallway and up the stairs, Jenny occasionally
  stopping to lick or fondle our various body
  parts. By the time we arrived at the bedroom,
  our clothes were all over the house.

  I let Jenny dictate the pace when she wasn’t
  using her skills on Darren as I really didn’t
  know what I was doing; I’d had plenty of solo
  partners myself but this was my first
  ménage-a-trois so I didn’t want to overstep
  whatever boundaries remained. Nevertheless,
  trying to be passive and gentlemanly in such
  rare circumstances just doesn’t work.

  Growing bored of switching attention back and
  forth between our respective cocks, Jenny
  commanded Darren to fuck her hard, and he
  happily obliged. While he was busily shagging
  her from behind, I decided to engage in a bit
  of ‘spit roasting’, then she insisted that we
  swap ends. It was certainly a weird feeling to
  be fucking my best mate’s girl while he was
  being fellated by her a couple of feet away,
  watching my every thrust intently. It was all a
  bit surreal and I didn’t think it would go any
  further, but Jenny wanted to try every
  conceivable position available to the three of
  us. She laid me on the bed, straddled me and
  invited Darren to fill her vacant rear
  entrance. It turns out that double penetration
  is much more difficult than porn movies would
  have you believe.

  After an unenjoyable sojourn into shitty city,
  Darren decided it was time to watch me and
  Jenny for a bit while he “cleaned himself off”…
  yuck. I was still lying on the bed so Jenny
  assumed the classic ‘69’ position and began
  giving me a very fine blowjob while I got to
  work on her. Darren couldn’t stand just
  watching so after a few cursory wipes he
  decided to resume his previous position in
  Jenny’s wrong ‘un, which was fine for him.
  However, it placed me in the unenviable
  position of having to look directly up at his
  sweaty ballsack and arse. I closed my eyes and
  tried to concentrate on Jenny’s excellent
  technique rather than my best friend’s
  pendulous undercarriage slamming into her
  chocolate exit strategy.

  With my eyes closed, I was finally starting to
  enjoy the experience myself. I could feel the
  pressure building as Jenny demonstrated her
  lack of a meaningful gag reflex and could tell
  she was enjoying my oral generosity too. She
  was really wet to the point of dripping into my
  mouth, so I lapped it up like a dog eating a
  melted ice cream. I’d never experienced
  anything like it before, but it was a real turn
  on to know she was getting so much pleasure,
  even if she did taste a bit different to most
  of the girls I’d been with before. After
  another minute or two she finished me off in
  her mouth. Feeling rather exhausted and self
  conscious again, I opened my eyes again only to
  find that Darren was already lying next to us.
  Confused, I looked up and noticed a trickle of
  light brown fluid running from Jenny’s fudge
  box, all the way down her lady-garden and
  stretching onto my own lips.

  Unfortunately for me, while I had been lost in
  mutual oral pleasure with my eyes closed,
  Darren had quietly emptied a remarkable load of
  hot monkey custard into Jenny’s backside, and
  then he’d pulled out with predictable results.
  It wasn’t my tongue that had made her beef
  pocket so impressively moist after all. The
  worst part was that I’d swallowed most of the
  devil’s own cocktail in the mistaken belief
  that it was my prize for being so good at
  cunnilingus. I ended up blaming the ensuing
  bout of puking on the evening’s drinks.

  So kids, my advice to you is: if you ever end
  up being asked to a threesome, for goodness’
  sake, either get the boy/girl ratio right or
  ensure that gravity is on your side.

  Apologies if the ending to this tale has left a
  nasty taste in your mouth too. (chart cat)
https://www.b3ta.com/questions/sexualmisconceptions/

-------------------------------------------------

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