Fit mentalist
Travelling around Canada I found myself staying in a yoof hostel in Vancouver. Some geezer from Norwich asked me if I fancied a trip to Wreck Beach, apparently it's supposed to be a nudie beach where you can get all manner of drugs. Fuck yes!
Now, by this age I should have worked out that all nudist beaches that are open to the general public and located very near major metropolis's are always packed with fat, hairy men. Alas, I was still under the impression that I would soon be surrounded by hot young naked birds as I made my way down onto the beach only to be confroned by... a bunch of fat, naked hairy men all noncing each other up. It was only the hope of securing some drugs that saw me saunter past these beached whales with beards and take my seat on the sand with the others from the hostel.
After about 5 minutes we were approached by some guy offering drugs.
"What have you got?"
"What do you want?"
"Well, I haven't done any shrooms in a while, have you got any of them?"
"Certainly, sir"
So me and a few of the lads gobbled down some strange looking blue mushrooms and proceeded to get pretty messed up. Everything was cool as long as I kept focussing on the group but every time I let my attention wander I would be faced with the image of a fat man with a pulsating little purple head and it would freak me the fuck out.
It was just as we started realling peaking that a vision of loveliness made her way onto the beach. She had a blond bob, sparkling blue eyes and a completely shaved snatch. She wore nothing more than a tiny little white vest and was happily strolling around chatting with all the guys who all seemed to know her name.
As Crystal (for that was her name) approached, I was transfixed. She was fit.. and naked... and she was looking at me. It was all a bit much.
And then she started screaming..
"you're the cunt that got Tiffany pregnant, you dirty fucking cunt. I'll fucking kill you"
And with that she started throwing sand and rocks at me, trying to scratch and kick me and just going completely mental.
Bus Ticket to Nudie beach: $2
Strong Mushrooms: $15
Getting a kicking from a hot, naked mentalist whilst tripping your tits off on mushrroms: absolutely terrifying.

P.S. just in case you were wondering if it was me that got Tiffany preganant, I didn't. I fisted her so badly there's no chance of her ever having kids.
(Stainer Has been treating objects like women since, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 4:29, Reply)