Jeremy Kyle
To quote Charlie Brooker: "Does he wake up every morning, or does he slither into our universe through a haunted mirror?"
( Droog is too orangey for crows, Mon 8 Feb 2010, 13:24, 3 replies)

George Lamb
For making 6 music, my favourite radio station, completely frigging unlistenable between the hours of 10am-1pm. His self obsessed diatribes (with obligatory giggling 'posse') are so utterly woeful that even king-of-the-pricks Moyles would roll his eyes; and his Partridge-esque belief in his own coolness, despite many viewing him as a joke, make me want to engage in a bout of rage-vomiting.

Happily, he has been moved to the weekend slot to make way for the much more capable Lauren Laverne. His other endeavour, being the presenter of Big Brothers Little Brother (which in itself is a massive cunt-siren) will hit the skids after BB is axed this Summer (and in a two-birds-with-one-stone manouver, will also remove Davina from my screen for the foreseeable future).

I can only hope this removal from my consciousness will continue to bear fruit, and that he will contract some form of disease that will force him to stay indoors and have no contact with human life for the rest of his smug, self satisfied existence, the gurning wide-boy tosser.

In the same vein, T4 and all persons associated with said cunt-hive.
( Droog is too orangey for crows, Mon 8 Feb 2010, 13:14, 5 replies)

Hmmm
Don't like Jordan? Then buy a real fucking newspaper and quit moaning.
( rofl harris, Mon 8 Feb 2010, 12:26, 13 replies)

Charlie Sheen
He fucked my wife and left her covered in coke.
(SSSSS, Mon 8 Feb 2010, 12:18, 2 replies)

Jade Goody
She's dead? Thank fuck for that. She's done the world *the* *biggest* *favour* by removing herself from it, epitomising as she did every single thing that is abhorrent about today's Heat/Reveal/Hello/Fuck Off culture.

Now, when can the rest go? I'd even be able to handle the nationwide (get a fucking life, morons!) anguish and vigils at their passing just for them to disappear forever.
(Stuffed Chimp, Mon 8 Feb 2010, 11:32, 9 replies)

Oh and another one
Professional homosexuals.

People who, if it weren't for the fact that they are gay, wouldn't know what to talk about, what music to listen to, what films to like, or have any personality.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not gayophobic. I just get bloody annoyed by the above, as they seem to think that acting in some bizarre hybrid of 1970s Carry On crossed with a poor impression of Larry Grayson makes them reeeeelly funny and lovely and interesting.

The people who think because they're gay it gives them the right to be bitchy, loud, annoying and sexist, because they're gay.

Grrrrr.

Oh famous ones? I dunno - I'd say Graham Norton is pretty close. Alan Carr a little bit too, though not as much. I suppose I'm more on about the gays I know than anything else - which probably says more about me than anything else.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 8 Feb 2010, 11:21, 31 replies)

Guilt, revulsion and a smattering of relief
You know that feeling you get when you discharge a textbook poo, and due to the speed with which it flies out of your arse it creates a splashback which gently laps at one's buttocks? I get that feeling whenever I see Jamie Oliver.

Now, I know that having my arse licked by the upsurge of toilet water created by my own excretion is pretty grim, but I'm kind of pleased that it's soothing my potentially sore crack. Just because that poo went well doesn't mean the previous did, or next one will. Then I feel a bit disgusted by my enjoyment of this moment.

The parallels here are obvious.

Jamie Oliver has made a proper effort to shift public perception of him from a big-tongued Mockney twatface with shit hair to some kind of moral guardian for the nation's diets. He's used his celebrity to promote awareness of healthy eating despite the fact that with 95% of the idiots in this country, he's pissing into the wind trying to get them to give up deep-fried whatevermakesthepainoftheirhideousfuckinglivesabatemomentarily. So I feel a bit guilty for thinking he's an incredibly annoying fuckwit with a massive face and incredibly shit hair.

Not THAT guilty, obviously.

The parallels may be less obvious than I first thought. Sorry.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 8 Feb 2010, 11:19, 6 replies)

I’ve seen Chris Moyles mentioned here alot..
My own personal hatred of him is based purely on the fact that when he speaks on the radio I imagine him lying there, writhing in his own bodily secretions like a big fat slug, inhaling pies, cakes and faeces whilst simultaneously regurgitating into a microphone covered in his own spunk all the while surrounded by Salacious Crumb-like cronies who’s only purpose is to help the fat git choke to death on his own ego.


That feels better.
(catbrain likes the hairy scratchings bestest, Mon 8 Feb 2010, 11:07, 5 replies)

Bill 'I just cant wait to continue my witty banter' Turnbull
What a monumental cnut.

I literally cannot stand the man. His pathetic campyness and attempts at humour...

Plus, the way that he'll finish reading the autocue, then turn to continue the conversation with that cheeky ineffectual laugh and prod as the music is turned up and the cameras pull away to cut to the local news or what ever...

Also, how he demands anyone who he interviews who has a talent that they replicate it in front of him so he believes they really can play the trumpet/sing/do a press up...

Total epitomy of the annoying daytime TV presenter.

ARGH!

Twunt.
(mobi I completed the Internet on 'hard'. Twice., Mon 8 Feb 2010, 11:01, 5 replies)

I even hate myself
Bono
(unicornflakes, Mon 8 Feb 2010, 10:31, Reply)

Barry fucking Norman
I was quite indifferent to him in the past, would not even feature on my celebrity rageometer. That was until I saw this product with his smug little face emblazoned on it!

www.pickleodeon.co.uk

Cunt of the highest order!
(Fridgy, Mon 8 Feb 2010, 10:24, 5 replies)

I coulda been a celeb.
No - really. When I was even younger than now I had a fair bit of money, very nice suits, and a stunning girlfriend. This isn't fantasy: read on dear B3tans.
The girlfriend was in medja and I was asked to be a stand in for a last minute no-show on a local radio show - just because I was there at the time. More very trivial stuff follows on - but each with more exposure. A few months later and I'm judging a beauty show. Just because I looked the sort of bloke who should be judging a beauty show and could prattle vacuously to fill in silence.
But I knew I had no real opinions (Young Larry was an empty headed muppet in truth) and I knew I was an utter sham. So I just stopped it all dead. Not once have I regretted that - but I have always been glad it showed me who I was, and who I didn't want to be.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Mon 8 Feb 2010, 10:24, 3 replies)

Tangiental...
People who say of an irritating fuckwit of a festering boil on the pockmarked face of "da meejuh": -

"oh, it's just an act. It's a persona. They're lovely people really..."

So this lovely, caring, kind person just decided one day to act like a twat. In every publicly visible role. And kept doing it. For several years.

HOW THE FUCK IS THIS A MITIGATION?

(the Wests, lovely couple - really sweet, the butchering of young women is just an act you know...)

If what you do all day is pretend to be a cunt, then you're a cunt.
(nordelius, Mon 8 Feb 2010, 9:49, 10 replies)

You know who I hate?
Anyone more successful than me, who managed to get there with less talent than a drunken five year-old..

Like David Walliams and Matt Lucas. I could have come up with some stupid catchphrases and one-dimensional characters, and re-recorded pretty much identical sketches, and made a fortune. Easily. Like a camp homosexual McDonalds worker, who would leer whenever he said, "Do you want me to make it a large one?" in a vaguely threatening homosexual manner. Or a mental-health office receptionist, who was herself (stereotypically) 'mental', and who constantly did 'hilarious' things like trying to answer a banana, or mistake a visitor for a hatstand. See? That's at least as good as anything they came up with for 'Little Britain,' that steaming pile of televisual horseshit.

Or any kind of sports commentator. All they do is tell you what's happening (in front of your very eyes), and, occasionally, spout the kind of useless facts Rainman himself would have found too boring to bother with.

Footballers, and any other sportsman who is obscenely overpaid. You get paid more than most doctors and nurses - they save lives, while you chase each other about a field and occasionally rape and kill a stripper. How is that fucking fair?

Or Bono, who blatantly sees himself as the Second Coming of Christ and attaches his name to any charity event going, while hoarding vast millions and swimming in a vault full of change like Scrooge McDuck (in my imagination). "Oh, you want to save Africa, Bono? You need loads of money to do it? Why don't you use the millions you amassed selling your boring faux-rock to idiots, then? You smug, hypocritical cunt."

And Stephen Hawking, for not electing to wear a full Dalek outfit and have his electrical voice match the Daleks'. Because that would have been awesome.

And, lastly, I hate Samuel L Jackson. Simply because he is easily cooler than I will ever be. And when I say, "Motherfucker," it sounds nothing like the way he says it. And that makes me sad
(Godwin's Lawyer is more evil than Hitler, Mon 8 Feb 2010, 4:48, 14 replies)

Celebrities "who are famous just for being famous"
Have you ever been out and about and you're with a group of cool people just chatting away and the girlfriend of one of your mates has a pathological need to be noticed? (Or the boyfriend, whatever) She or he puts an instant dampener on things and disrupts any conversation and instantly ruins the mood and the whole night.

That's how I see these so-called celebrities who are famous just for being famous. Some people are famous for doing amazing things or producing art. Writers. Artist. Scientists. Not these twats. They just rely on a smile and an irritating personality in the hope that there's a camera nearby.

Ego has never been pretty. It never will be. If you rely personally and professionally on getting papped and written about, you obviously have something wrong with you. To my mind, that can only mean you feel so bad about yourself you cut your arms to shreds or your dick is so small you need to compensate.

The worst offenders off the top of my head are

Jordan / Katie Price / Pouting slag

Peter Andre / Piece of meat

Peaches Geldof / My Daddy Is Rich So Notice Me

Anyone From Big Brother / I Look in the mirror at night and scream, "Why?"

Heather Mills

Alex Reid - alright I'd fuck him, but he's riding on Jordan's success - does she have a bigger dick than him or what?


JUST GET OUT OF THE MEDIA, WE'RE NOT FUCKING INTERESTED YOU SLAGS!
(badfox1 wonders who he's played by this episode on, Mon 8 Feb 2010, 1:28, 2 replies)

hate beyond measure
Lady Ga Ga

You think that talent is being weird for the sheer sake of it

You compare yourself to Andy Warhol-dream on dearie

Just do the world an intellectual favour and feed yourself into a wood chipping machine
(shug, Mon 8 Feb 2010, 0:04, 4 replies)

I'm sorry I've only just had time to check B3ta this week...

...but if Bono doesn't get the most votes I'll be extremely upset.
( Turquoise Hexagon Sun has just dropped acid on, Sun 7 Feb 2010, 21:59, 1 reply)

My top two candidates have to be:
CJ de Mooi off Eggheads, nobody looks as smug as him, he's such an arse, he even sulks when he gets one wrong, or acts surprised. Mug.

Ben Fogle, what a complete waste of oxygen that man is, public school nonce who is a representation of everything that is wrong with the BBC these days.
( JebediahSpringfield, Sun 7 Feb 2010, 21:56, 3 replies)

I really hate
Where to start? Here's my list.

Michael McIntyre - you must have read my mind. Pretentious, pretends not to be posh when he clearly is and is about as funny as needing a shit whilst having root canal surgery.

Vanessa Feltz - shoot her now. If she really is a size 12 then I'm getting my arse down to Weight Watchers pronto.

Ricky Gervais - oh that character you played in the Office, genius, where did you get your ideas from? He didn't. He is David fucking Brent, and he's still dining out on that fucker now.

Katie Price/Jordan/whatever - absolutely vile oxygen thief.

Lewis Hamilton - gappy toothed big headed twat. And when I say I don't support this stupid cunt, I get accused of being racist. Nope, I just hate him with a passion.

John Goodman - I can't watch anything with him in because he's fat and American and gets on my tits.

There are undoubtedly more but that's all I can muster for now.

EDIT - I have also got to add Tim The Big Dawg Westwood, Trevor Nelson, Fearne Cotton and Jeremy Kyle to this list - all wankers.
(Pumba Look for the red flashing light again... no!!!!!, Sun 7 Feb 2010, 21:33, 2 replies)

All of the others previously mentioned plus...
Eastenders.
oh and that Activa advert, TLC my arse, Total Load of Cunt more like
(i lick the clit of wife it's better than yoghurt lids, Sun 7 Feb 2010, 20:49, Reply)

Gerry frigging Ryan
Only Irish people will really get this, he's a real gobshite whos on the radio during the week, always talking about womens knickers, bodily functions and being an utter shuddering cunt. And they put the ugly fucker on the tv aswell sometimes, I just don't get why anyone would choose to watch the ramblings of a retarded fool, it's beyond me!! Oh the bile is rising....... and {breathe} gone
(hashorangutan is watching iCarly on, Sun 7 Feb 2010, 20:42, 3 replies)

You Say it Best!
Once had the chance to interview Ronan Keating. I did so after a bottle of Vodka (he was obnoxiously late, and the offie was just round the corner).
In my Drunken State i thought it would be hilarious to only speak to him in his own song lyrics. The interview began as such.
"Ronan. Its amazing how you can speak right to my heart, Without Saying a word you just light up the dark."
"just some advice, Life is a Rollercoaster, You've just got to ride it"..... So far so good, a baffled Ronan Keating Was blubbering Nonsense about relief work in africa in retaliation and staring at me as if i was a piece of shit on his £300 shiny shoes, But unable to do anything because he was trying not to lose his rag infront of an audience. This ridicule continued for a few minutes untill i couldnt resist the finishing blow....... "Ronan, You say it best When you Say nothing at all............"

"Because your a Cunt"

That did it. He Walked out and Demanded to the college i was studying at that i write him a letter of apology for what i had done. In Hindsight, maybe i shouldnt have got drunk, Maybe i shouldnt have spoken to him in only his own lyrics, and maybe i shouldnt have called him a cunt........ But come on, Ronan keating?? As if you wouldnt!!
( Glovington, Sun 7 Feb 2010, 20:35, 3 replies)

Big Brothel
For the first couple of series Big Brother was passable, nothing to write home about though. Quite early on, people twigged that the BB machine was a quick fix for becoming a so-called "celebrity". It became a parody of itself when Channel 4 started fucking with the housemates in more wierd and wonderful ways, hiring old housemates as expert analysts, choosing the housemates based on a rudimentary quota system (expect a blonde girly girl, a lesbian/gay, a thicko, a wannabe celeb or two, an alpha male and a bitch), and worst of all having ex-housemates on Celebrity Big Brother!

The last one here grinds my gears the most. Since it became a parody of itself people have been applying just to become celebrities and everything that goes with it, and Channel 4 suddenly realised that Jade Fucking Goody was celebrity enough to go on the celeb version! Not only her, but her mum as well!

I have to stop now or I'll choke on all this bile.
(welshyboy, Sun 7 Feb 2010, 20:29, 2 replies)

Danny F***ing Dyer
Hate his documentaries with a fiery passion

However he was good in The Business
( RossThePiper Stretch Armstrong is my Father, Sun 7 Feb 2010, 20:17, 1 reply)

Chip diddy iddy biddy chip
'My names chip diddy chip
I dont ever tolerate lip diddy lip
I dont play around im just trying to do ma music
but say the wrong thing n i'l flip diddy flip
some say its luck but i dont give a ...
wave to ma haters like see you at the top
im the best in the bizz rite next to the kid
everybody say ma name now Chip Diddy Chip'

Need I say more? arrogant, annoying, immature, cocky, irritating... eurgh
(MissFlee tried again on, Sun 7 Feb 2010, 19:48, 3 replies)

More love
Sorry to say I have worked with some famous bods. Omid Djalili - lovely, lovely man. Ditto Adam Hart-Davies. Jeremy Clarkson, however, is a denim and leather clad sausage-skin of shit, who believes that his polyphobic sarcasm is genuine wit and wisdom because so many other reactionary cretins agree with him. And Nick Knowles - the best example of a non-entity who has self-inflated like a frog who has shoved a bike pump up its own arse.
(dunlintemminck after 40 years it's come to this?, Sun 7 Feb 2010, 19:46, 2 replies)

Arsene Wenger
Just buy a decent goalie and striker. Maybe even a defender whilst you're at it! And make sure Cesc stays
(Dr Zoidberg is going for a scuttle, Sun 7 Feb 2010, 19:22, Reply)

Al Gore
You preach about how the world is warming up, butyou buy "credits" so you can fly in a private planes, and live in a house that can hold a small town, and drive a car that gets like 2 miles to the gallon. Give me a break. Wanna make a difference with the environment - everyone ditches the damn credits and makes real changes - you Giant Douche.
(Subway Riding the rails underground, Sun 7 Feb 2010, 19:20, Reply)

Brad Pitt & Angelina Joile
For the love of all things Holy, these two pretenious fucks are constantly news. Who gives a rats ass that they have adopted a Benneton Ad. These two fuckwads make news for shit that you and I do and no one even cares. You are keeping yourselves news on purpose, divorce, have an affair, have an open marriage I dont give a damn, just stop already.
(Subway Riding the rails underground, Sun 7 Feb 2010, 18:54, 2 replies)