I'm sure this is olde newes
But I just love how pleased he is with himself as he closes his jacket.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFPH8rNEQd4

'Heh heh,' he's thinking 'I snatched that right in front of the whole world and no one saw a thing. I'll write a thank you note to my own genius with this tonight.'
(electricteeth, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 19:12, 3 replies)

AICMFP - I don't need it of course but I claim it anyway!

( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 14 Apr 2011, 19:07, 1 reply)

French Fancies
As a kid I always had to have the pink AND yellow ones out of a packet. But not the brown ones. They were shit.
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 14 Apr 2011, 19:02, 8 replies)

Someone I know fell out with his mother in a big way.
He insisted that he would never back down and he and his wife and kids refused to deal with her. She made it clear his attitude would cost him his inheritance. He made up with her like a newly trained puppy. I think they both got what they wanted.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 14 Apr 2011, 18:18, Reply)

A Chinese
all you can eat restaurant that I used to frequent liked to play the Carpenters back to back all day every day....I always hoped they'd done this on purpose to make people feel subliminally guilty about eating too much.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 17:57, 9 replies)

Call centre work
For the best part of two years I've been working in various call centres, it's the worst thing I've ever done for money but it beats the hell out of being on the dole (dosen't count as doing anything). Am I greedy for working here? No, I'm not, I'm not spounging off any one or getting a fair wage.

The greedy ones are the people in charge of me, who do their best to avoid giving me over time if I'm stuck in a call after 5, but if I'm 10 mins late due to snow closing the roads I lose half an hours pay. They charge customers £25 for a replacement CD that costs pennies to print and hundreds of pounds to buy originally. I make them thousands of pounds in sales and they try to avoid giving me my commission. I get constantly berated for spending more then my allotted amount of "toilet time" a day, despite my protests that holding it in for hours isn't healthy. So yeah, I might do a crappy job for money but at least I'm not fucking any one over to do it.
(Mong goose, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 17:49, 9 replies)

I once worked as a rent boy, servicing coked-up bankers in the lift of the Empire State building
...it was wrong on so many levels.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 17:44, 4 replies)

Tons and tons of white powder.
In what seems like another life now I was an unemployed university dropout with an expensive booze habit that needed paying for (a habit I still have).
Anyhow, one of my first temp jobs was for Remploy, but not for them, because they had to have able-bodied temps in for things the disabled people couldn't do.
My work day would start at 2PM with a handover from the previous shift -- which basically involved them pointing to a pallet of boxes and saying "that one next". We would then set about the boxes with stanley knives and empty the soap powder they contained into a giant sieve, whilst removing the balls and discarding them.
The air was thick with washing powder and I found out that all the Unilever non-bio powder is the same stuff in different boxes with colouring added to differentiate.
After about 6 weeks in this powder-filled atmosphere and travelling home covered in soap powder we got a new boss. The new boss took one look at us working and ordered us to stop immediately. He then ordered overalls, gloves and disposable masks and told us we had to turn the extractor fan above the sieve on at all times. Working from 2PM until 10PM in a paper mask, gloves and overall with only a 15 minute break isn't fun and, while I know there are worse jobs out there, wasn't for me and I left soon after.
Oh, and more on topic if it were a week ago -- some of the Remploy staff creeped me out, even though I know better. I swear one guy looked like that papier mache Sidebottom guy, only this wqsn't a mask.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 17:43, 5 replies)

Bit of background:
I suffer from bipolar. It's under control now, but while at uni, I was totally out of control from some pretty epic manic episodes. I ended up blowing a £3000 student loan, £750 credit card and two £500 overdrafts in less than a month.

So, I was skint, totally skint. Parents, being on the dole, couldn't send me money, and I had nothing for food, let alone anything else.

In my desperation, I sent some utterly horrible, cringeworthy videos of myself to you've been framed, hoping for a quick £250.

However, after I sent them, I realised that it takes like 5 years for a video to appear on the show after its been submitted and only then do you get paid.

My horror is that one day in the near future, I will have a respectable job, and then one Saturday night, you see my spastic face on TV acting like a mongoloid of the highest order.
( B.T., Thu 14 Apr 2011, 17:42, 2 replies)

I got temp employment checking the 'tender' totals for the Jubilee Line extension
Somewhere around the early 90s I think......a calculator and piles of great big books full of teeny tiny numbers adding up to the millions each company was prepared to do it for.

And me, weeping and checking to see if their end fee matched all their figures within the telephone book sized breakdowns. Luckily, it did lead to another less crucifying gig.

..Part of the deal to OK the extension meant that there had to be a 24 hour hotline for any members of the public who might have sudden concerns about the whole shebang at 4 in the morning. So I would get in about midnight, roll my sleeping mat out, watch a couple of infomercials about miracle car wax before nodding off and waking at 6.30, when I'd put my mat on the back of my moped before anyone else got in, have a cup of tea and hand over at 8am.

Seeing as we were opposite New Scotland Yard, one day the filth decided my bike and mat was a possible bomb ( why not check with me first, I don't know) and closed the whole of Victoria, Westminster, St James' etc during rush hour.
While they were securing a cordon or something, no-one stopped my hopping back on the 49cc beast and pootling off home.

Maybe it was some sort of karma payback for the eye-blistering tedium of adding up the cost of every last nut and bolt of every shitty proposal but if that's the case, I think karma might have overdone it
( unclepills, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 17:21, 5 replies)

Naturally, game shows are designed to test people's greed...
But Goldenballs, fronted by that manic, comically stunted bell-end Jasper Carrot extracts the urine to an obscene degree.
I can understand the initial rounds of people wanting to stay in the competition and lying about their balls (titter ye not) to boost their chances of a windfall.
And the final round, despite having more of a team ethic than is particularly necessary for a game of luck, I can see where the excitement comes from, fair play.
However, the culmination of this character assassination is giving the two remaining contestants the chance to split 50/50 or steal the lot, an all-or-nothing.
The message of this seems to be 'if you're manipulative enough to get a stranger to trust you over the course of an hour, rip them off in the end and all shall be yours'.
Which is so effortlessly blatant, it makes me wonder if the bosses of ITV were adopting a 'do what you like' policy when having shows pitched to them.
After all, the reaction of any normal, functioning human would be to get creative with a rubber mallet when given the option of Katie Price's 'real life'.
(Roonerspism, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 17:20, 3 replies)

The worst thing I've done for money?
Last year I worked for an advertising company. That's pretty bad, but on the whole I was working for their corporate social responsibility arm, meaning I was theoretically working towards world peace, and I got to meet all sorts of good people like Mohammed Yunus, Bob Geldof, Desmond Tutu and Kofi Annan. So far, not bad.

However, there was another team in the office that wanted my help since they were generally clueless, interwebically. Their project? Well, they were trying to get their clients elected to high office. I even got to meet one of the clients at a meeting. His name? David Cameron.

Pretty bad, for sure. The nadir of my career? Hell no, it gets worse than that. Fresh from working for the Tories I was back working on the CSR arm, where some of our people were petitioning the UN to a commitment to interfaith dialogue, again ostensibly in the name of world peace. They needed partners in this endeavour, so I was sent to be a liaision to another organisation.

You know that song by Garbage: "If flesh could crawl my skin would fall right off my bones and run away from here"?

For every single second of every single day working with the Tony Blair Faith Foundation I had that line on constant repeat in my head. It's making me cringe just thinking about it.

I now work for a centuries-old, non-political, medical charity. I think I've tipped the karma back far enough that I can sleep at night, especially as I took a pay cut to do so.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 17:20, 2 replies)

Im greedy.
Sometimes i dont give anyone my last rolo, i just eat it all down into my belly.
(Margatemug, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 17:17, Reply)

Moar drugz
I'm in the rather grotty toilets of a seedy club, attempting the complicated task of throwing a pill down my throat. Distracted by the purple lizards climbing up the walls, I manage to drop it into the noisesome depths of the toilet.

My fellow fluoronaut, who shall remain nameless, heard the swearing and came to see what the problem was. I pointed out the pill, nestling amongst the stains and detritus at the bottom of the pan. He decided that waste was a terrible thing, so fished it out and necked it.

Much fun was had the next day, reminding him of what he'd greedily swallowed...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 17:14, 3 replies)

I worked in a sewage farm
Severn Trent, near Uttoxeter, as a summer job before college. My last week's wages were exactly the same as my first month as a teacher. The tomatoes that grew there were just the tastiest you ever ate.

It might be sh*t to you, but it was bread and butter to me.
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Thu 14 Apr 2011, 17:14, 3 replies)

I'm so greedy I voted 4 times for this subject, then realised I had nothing to say.

( da5id <YOUR SIG HERE>, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 17:05, 2 replies)

I'm in mcdonalds.
And have just eaten an apple pie, but I won another in their Monopoly competition, so I'm having it now.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 17:00, 2 replies)

Your mum...
Well, someone was going to say it at some point, so why shouldn't it be me?
(The Kwyjibo A big, dumb, balding North American ape., Thu 14 Apr 2011, 16:59, 4 replies)

I seem to remember hearing that 1/10 of the world - the west - is consuming 9/10 of the world's resources.
I don't know if it's true, and I'm no fucking hippy, but I do know they've just opened a ski slope in Dubai, which, considering the area's lack of water, sounds a little obscene to me.

But fuck the povvers - I'm off for a beer, and then I'm going to go home and watch the news on my big telly while eating some nice food, and follow a story about Africa and how they're all dying.

Like everyone else, I pretend to care about others, but really I'm too fucking greedy to do anything about it other than make occasional, token gestures to numb the nagging, vague feeling of guilt I get when I realise how incredibly fucking lucky I am to live in a politically stable, rich country that to the larger extent allows me to live life exactly how I fucking choose, without ever having to go through any real hardship, including doping me right up should I ever get cancer.

Lush.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 16:52, 11 replies)

Money is greed. Pies is gluttony.
What kind of world are we living in when people don't even know what sin they're enjoying? Christ alive.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 16:50, 37 replies)

Greed?
Oh, but Han got first.
(sarcastic fringehead feet of clay, buns of steel, head of lettuce, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 16:48, 1 reply)

It's not glandular.

(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 16:48, Reply)

I want more internet fightings

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 16:42, 9 replies)

groping for cash
at my sister's wedding, she paid me £20 to grope her boss, who was(and probably still is) utterly terrified of me.
still, everyone else found it funny and i got cash.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 16:42, 3 replies)

I'm greedy for Crackling not money.
I would kill for my share. Actually sod you lot I'm taking the lot.
( SauronWibble I'll hold it, you lick it..., Thu 14 Apr 2011, 16:42, 3 replies)

I am
so Greedy I wanted first.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 16:41, Reply)

Looking after Number One
I've worked with some very Machiavellian people in my time, but my old boss took the biscuit.

At one point, when I'd got involved in a discussion about pay and promotion, he tried to test my morals to see what I'd do for money.

Basically, I asked for a payrise, and he said that the only way I could have a payrise was if I agreed to block the payrise of the guy who worked for me, who happened to be a really good mate, as he couldn't possibly afford to give us both a raise. Evil Boss was visibly enjoying making me mull over such a ruthless course of action. After giving it some thought, and him giving me plenty of encouragement to 'Look after Number One'. I finally agreed to it, and we shook hands on my payrise.

Do I feel guilty?

Not at all. What Evil Boss didn't realise was that my friend was about to hand his notice in, anyway. He'd been offered a job that day. I knew this because I'd helped him find the job, with a mate of mine at another company, and I was getting half of the £1,000 Finders Fee as a result.

Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 16:41, 2 replies)

BAH

( awayfromthenumbers, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 16:33, Reply)

I took first place...
Like a greedy bastard.

I have the occasional day I binge on shit, but by large my appetite is pathetic. But my friend (skinny as a rake) eats as a competitive sport. How he's not obese/acne ridden is anyone's guess, maybe when he hits 30?

Anyway, my friend was telling me he went to one of those godamnawful giant chain buffet 'Eat as much as you fucking can, you tasteless fat fuck' places for a work leaving do a few months back.

He ate 34 profiteroles after about 4/5 full plates of a mishmash of various cusines (Roast Duck + Spare Ribs + Lasagne + Chips all on one plate...yum yum?)

He had to go home early as felt too ill and tired to hit the pubs, and couldn't fit any beer in his belly without it hurting.

Then got home and couldn't manage to lie down to sleep without feeling sick.

He spent the night on the sofa sweating and farting (Whilst I hope watching trans-world sport) and then did a big poo in the morning which he still talks about to this day.

Jammy skinny little bastard.
(Pat_Gash, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 16:32, 6 replies)