Bullying Fatty

One morning during form class me and my friend Graeme are summoned to the head of years office. Our confusion knew no bounds, we were both top set for every subject and despite a little cheeky humour and minor misdemeanours we werent troublemakers. Our equally if not more fairly straight laced friend Paul was waiting outside the office door, relieved if anything that he was not alone in whatever crime had been committed.

We were soon called in and informed in a VERY stern manner that Ms Fish (name changed) was disgusted at us, and extremely surprised we had defied her opinion of us being Good Boys. A Letter had been sent to her, naming us all in a bullying scandal. Alf (name changed ) was then called in to face his tormentors....

I will now take the time to explain that "Alf" was a (VERY) sizeable boy, fairly smelly due to washing issues (didnt believe soap was necessary to get clean) and was if nothing else a wierdo (hid in bushes looking at girls).

"So, now why dont you explain why you've been bullying Alf", Ms Fish trumpeted.

We looked at each other somberly, nodded as one and proceeded to explain we had been taking the piss because he had etched declarations of his love for Melissa Jayne Hart (clarissa/sabrina the teenage witch) on his pencil case, and he recorded every episode of Prisoner Cell Block H.

Fish was almost purple with bufuddlement, "but, but, you mean its not because hes fat?!"

We roared with laughter! at her assumptions, at his ambiguous letter, at the fact he'd had to face us explain this to his stalwart defender of justice, and were still laughing when Fish sent us back to our classes.

I have no general issue with chubsters, but wierdos is another thing
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 16:11, 1 reply)

Glastonbury festival
The year before, we'd been sitting around the fire when my friend Angela had stood up, a little wobbly on her feet, and pitched face-first into the glowing embers. I'd panicked and pulled her out of the fire as quickly as I could.

This year, I'd just finished recanting this story to all and sundry when my mate Jackie stands up, wobbles a bit, and falls face-first into the fire. I was too busy laughing to help him out.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 16:11, Reply)

Mugging = Lolz
I had a strange conversation with a guy in a pub once about the Blue Man Group. He'd been to see them and found it really, really odd (he was a bit of a sensitive soul anyway and found most things a bit baffling). He described it thusly:

'It was these blokes, right. And they're coloured blue. And they do circus tricks, but not like normal circus tricks. There was this one trick where the guy gets hauled up on a rope, and they swung him around, and they swung him around, and then they were banging him into this wall... And they banged him into the wall... And they banged him into the wall... It was weird.'

I found the slightly baffled description funny, and had a little giggle about it.

Problem was, straight afterward, and whilst I was still amused about this, he started describing being mugged the previous week.

'These two blokes ran out and grabbed me as I was at the cashpoint. One of them grabbed the money and my card, and the other one held me around the arms. And then they hit me. And then he hit me again. And then they grabbed my phone too. And then he hit me. And then the other one hit me. And then they ran away.'

Horrific a story as it was, his habit of repetition, added to my recent amusement at his previous story, caused me to picture him standing around at the cash machine when, suddenly and stealthily, two members of the Blue Man Group appeared seemingly from nowhere to rob and beat him.

He got really pissed off that I was in hysterics at this story. I had to painstakingly explain why I was laughing. He still didn't get it.

Sorry James. but if you'd have seen what I was seeing in my head, you'd have laughed too.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 16:08, Reply)

To sum up the QOTW in one simple picture.

( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 22 Jul 2010, 16:07, 2 replies)

It took me by suprise....
I drunkenly pushed my way to the front of a crowded bar, and managed to get a spot behind a gorgeous blonde. She was served and then turned to walk out through the crowd, but as I was so close to her I succeeded in spilling her drink as she bumped into my arm. I apologised profusely and offered to buy her a replacement, and she was absolutely fine about it.
I ordered her and I a drink, as well as a shot of sambuca each, and placed them down on the bar in front of us.

“Here you go, I got us a shot as well”

She smiled.

“One, two, three, down it!”. I picked up my glass, threw the sambuca down my throat and then…just..stopped. Before I knew it, I lost control of my body. I couldn’t help myself; a smile formed across my face and then I just cracked up laughing.

I’d never seen a thalidomide scoop up a shot glass and down the contents before.

It was the action that, in my less than sober state, I found amusing for some reason. Her arm and action was like a little mechanical digger.
Again I apologized, and I felt like an utter cunt. I spluttered out a number of variations of ‘sorry’ whilst trying to hold my laughter in, but in my head I kept seeing the scene from Men Behaving Badly when Gary has that special ‘beer glove’. To her credit, the girl was very good about it and after I eventually calmed down, we got chatting. We shared a few more shots that night, and all was well again.

What a fucker though, laughing at a thalidomide.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 16:07, 2 replies)

In Leeds train station,
they have automatic gates to make sure you have a valid ticket before you enter or leave the platform areas.

One day, as I was making my way through them on to the platform I see a mother pushing a pram with a toddler in tow coming the other way. She put her ticket in, the gates opened and through she went with the fluid ease of a woman who has done this many times before. The toddler, not so much. As his mother walked through the gates his attention was elsewhere and he stood still for a second. Turning round and seeing the gates open and mummy walking away he starts to run. I could see what was about to happen; I knew how long the gates stay open for and I could tell that he wasn't going to make it. What I didn't predict was how perfect his timing would be. As he ran towards the gates in that way that toddlers will, totally blind to danger or obstacles, they swung shut and smashed in to his face, knocking him backwards and nearly lifting him clean off his feet.

I laughed. And laughed again when describing the scene later on.

Note: the kid was fine. They bounce when they're that age.
(Mr._Pickles, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:59, 2 replies)

Heelies Wheelie
A few years back I was in Edinburgh with the spirit-crushing harpie that was my wife at the time. We were walking along the cobbled pavement after having seen the castle and on the way back we passed a child who was whizzing around on those heelies shoes. As you can imagine, she caught one of the cobbles and did a spectacular faceplant, which lead to much leaking of fluids from her face and from mine, mainly from the mirth. Don't think anyone caught sight of me laughing, had they done so I'm sure the dad of the little girl would have given me a right hiding!
(RVD420 has his world coming down on, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:59, Reply)

Fun with Cripples
I laughed over a man in a wheelchair once. In my defence he was wearing an amusing t-shirt, which prompted the laughter but I don't think that went down too well with some people when I related the story afterwards. Oops!
(RVD420 has his world coming down on, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:55, 2 replies)

"Cleanup required..."
quick rp

About 2-3 years back in the office I was stuck on a premium rate call next to a work colleague as this woman walks past our desk, suddenly stands perfectly straight then topples face first like a domino, splatting across the floor.

After a few awkward seconds we peer over to her and she's got herself back up and was brushing herself off.

"Trapped a nerve in my back, stops my legs from working," she said, noticing that by law we wasn't allowed to move from the phones for anything short of life-ending reasons (thanks ICSTIS).
"Last night it happened to me in Tescos", and with that she walked off to the other side of the building.

I turn around with a big grin on me face, and just as me colleague is about to take a call I shout through cupped hands "SPILLAGE ON AISLE 4, WE HAVE A SPILLAGE ON AISLE 4"

Still can't look at her now without stifling a laugh :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:55, Reply)

Sex Ed...
We're learning about the miracle of birth in Biology. Cheeky child-Butters puts his hand up.

"What happens to umbilical chords once they're cut off?"

The teacher responds, "Well, I suppose they're just thrown away."

I shake my head disapprovingly... "And all the starving children in Africa..."

That teacher never really liked me after that. Later on during a tedious Science Department safety reminder, the class were asked semi-rheatorically "What's the best way to exit the building in event of fire?"

As usual, failing to keep my little mouth shut, I point to the second story window in the class and suggest "Jump?"

Not the cleverest of jokes, but this humourless sour teacher, with a vendetta against my sick sense of humour and constant class clownery reports me to the head of department as suicidal.

After several guidance councillers tried to get me psychological help, I decided to keep my depraved jokes to myself.

(Then I found b3ta!)
( Butters and his titanium codsocket, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:52, 1 reply)

First class ticket to Hull
I react very badly to sad/horrific stories. Worst ever was when my mate told me a of tragic accident where her good friend had lost his legs. I had hysterics - so much so I nearly wet myself. I laughed just as much when she (same friend, yikes) told me her dog had just died. I just can't help it. Luckily, she knows me well enough not to twat me. I don't actually find tragedy funny, I've just got odd wiring :0(
( parttimebabe is almost there..., Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:51, Reply)

I felt no guilt and I'd laugh at it again. probably.
Picture the scene, 5.37pm Friday, just jumped on the train after a long hard week at work - Sweating and swearing under my breath about the general misgivings of the previous 5 days of banality and half-arsed sexual innuendo.

A moment of silence when the trains pulls from the station, bliss! Until someone's Sunny Delight-riddled bundle of (fucking) 'joy' bumps into my legs running backwards and forwards down the train. I breathe in and don't even give an inkling to the parent that this may be terribly annoying, after all speaking to strangers on trains is...well...strange, and best avoided.

10 long minutes pass whilst the annoyance of the seemingly duracel-battery-operated trouser-spawn continues. Until the train pulls into the station.....Alas, poor Timmy / Timmetta (I forget which sex the kid was) seemingly doesn't have the greatest balance when the speed decreases and does a (pretty amazing technique) arced dive through the air into the doors of the train.

"HA! I knew that would happen" I think for a split second...

I double check the kid's not dead (I don't actually care, but it might look bad in front of the other passengers), a second later the parent appears and gathers the poor thing up - wailing away, as you'd expect.

I think my tasty internal laugh is over, but no! there's more fun to be had, the parent takes the clearly shellshocked nipper into the first glass section and sits on the nearest seat whilst she comforts Timmy/Timmetta - sadly she doesn't notice his/her hand reaching behind her when the 1st class area automatic door shuts, on said kid's hand.

"HA!" I think again. "HA HA FUCKING HA"

I don't even dislike kids, but that's what a week in the office does to me. A horrible heartless fuck I am indeed.
(Pat_Gash, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:50, 2 replies)

Recently I was caught out by a Lebanese Loop
For those not up on the terminology, a "Lebanese Loop" is a (presumably slightly racist) piece of police terminology for a device that is hidden in a cashpoint so it retains your card. After a spotter has seen you enter your PIN, they then retrieve your card at a later time and go on a spending spree. In my case I'd clocked the spotter and called the bank but not in time to prevent £850 leaving my account in 10 minutes.

Anyway, I was on the phone to the police a bit later, giving them a description of the suspicious man who was hanging around the cashpoint. I said he was Asian, and though I'm not great at placing accents I think he was Pakistani. I got put on hold, and my girlfriend started trying to make me laugh by being outrageously (but ironically) racist while I was on the phone to her majesty's finest.
She said: "How on earth are they going to catch him from that description? You know all Pakistanis look the same."
I replied with: "Does't matter which one they catch then, does it?"
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:49, Reply)

Why? Why?
Why would you laugh at a kitten being run over??!! Why?
It's just.... wrong, really wrong!

What next? War on badgers?!
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:49, 7 replies)

I used to know a girl called Martha Cuntcasket (*)
My reasons for disliking her were all based on ways in which she was a terrible terrible person.
She was also gigantic, but this had nothing to do with why I disliked her - a fact I would have to clarify when I told people things like "She's working in the zoo now. As a walrus"

So people would ask why we didn't get on. And I wouldn't want to get in to the whole mess of complex interactions betweens various friends and enemies, or how she was never happier than when she was baiting the sharks with a bucket of ducks. So I made a little story to explain the situation. It went like this.


"Well, this happened a few years ago, I don't think we had even met by then, so you probably aren't aware of the situation

"back then I had a two year old son, Toby, I don't really talk about him much now, but he was a big part of my life back then

"I know that this wasn't her intention, and really there isn't any direct blame, but back then Martha took some actions, and they led to Toby's death"

At this point my friend would look appropriately somber, but also very awkward, because they had merely been curious about how I relate to Martha, and maybe hoped to learn a little about the two of us as people. At this point I would pause a few seconds, allow them to catch their breath, and the add the final piece of the story.

"She put him in a pie"


Now maybe I should feel guilty about this, but I find it fucking hilarious. And when I meet my tragic end Satan and I will be absolutely shitting ourselves over it.


(*) this wasn't her real name
(teebie jeebie, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:47, 3 replies)

It seemed funny at the time
But giving someone a subscription to the Daily Mail proabably went a bit too far.
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:44, Reply)

you're such a bastard, morrybyte
"oh yeah, well so's ye mum."
"my mum's dead"
Now, being about thirteen i'd heard that retort before so said "only cos you were such a fat bastard to squeeze out of her vag."

He stared at me aghast and ran off.

You guessed it, his mother died giving birth to him. Every time i hear "so's your mum" i've got to giggle at myself walking into the most awkward moment of my life.
( morrybyte made a subtle namechange at, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:44, 3 replies)

Empty House
I used to knock about with a group of lads and lasses at school (not chavs or baddies) and we happened upon a huge empty house when a ball went over its wall. We for some reason decided to climb through a broken window to investigate (no idea why). It was indeed empty and had been for some time so we decided to kind of hang out there on nights.

One day when I knew everyone was up in the attic room I banged on the front door and shouted through the letterbox "I FUCKING KNOW YOU'RE IN HERE, IM GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU'S!!" Me and my mate were in stiches, certain they were all paralysed with fear.

Of course they surely were paralysed with fear, which became apparent when they finally appeared some hour or so later. The girls were crying and the lads looked very, very pale. We were still laughing ourselves silly and when they explained we fessed up.

I got a nice kick to the bollocks and had to apologise profusely for quite some time but every now and then i couldnt help but giggle at the prank :-)

chortle
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:39, Reply)

Last year
on the road to Mongolia. We'd been driving for four days at this point and were on our way from Prague to meet up with some other people at Auschwitz. It was hot and sticky and I was beginning to feel the dirt. I thought something and then thought "Oh fuck, that's terrible. I can't believe I just thought that... but I have to say it."

So I turned to my team-mate and said "I hope this camp has some good showers."

Hello, Hull.
(cypherspace is not a toaster, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:37, Reply)

So this is like Schadenfreude
From December 09, but without the long German loanword? :)

Hahahahahahahahaha

Erm

I'm doing it wrong I think
(Cloudane, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:35, Reply)

I want to be the first to "do it wrong" here (ahahahahahahahahaha that was actually last week's question see etc etc)
just so I know that everyone who does it from now on is even stupider than me and I can laugh at them (not that I don't anyway).
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:35, Reply)

Silverstone.
Everything there is so fucking expensive, especially the food. So I couldn't help but laugh* when a little girl made her way down a grassy bank to the vendor, payed the extortion for a burger, and made her way back, only to trip and have the whole thing to fly out of her hand and land on the grass, which promptly stuck to it like velcro. When she picked it up, it was more grass than burger.

She didn't even get a single bite in.

_{*because I'm a cunt}
( Green Spanner and his magical lack of activity, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:35, 1 reply)

Oooo, my question
That's a first.

OK then.

Jewish Museum, Berlin. Not an inherently funny place. The exhibits are really heart-wrenching. There's a lot of suitcases, clothes, the boxes of stuff Jewish families left behind when they were forced to leave their apartments. Really grim as it brings the human experience of the whole thing home to you.

I had wandered quietly around for an hour, and was now looking at exhibits about Jewish life in Germany before Nazism, and how long-lasting and vibrant a tradition there had been. There was an old English couple looking at a display case nearby.

'Are you alright, dear? Very upsetting, isn't it?'
'Yes, love. That Hitler, eh? What a... what a bloody silly sod!.'

At which point I began to giggle, gleefully and uncontrollably.

The couple looked at me like I was a bastard. The other people in the gallery looked at me like I was Satan's Spawn. The assistant who was standing around looked as if he might be about to suggest I leave.

And I just stood there. Giggling despite my efforts to stifle it.

Bloody silly sod indeed.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:33, 12 replies)

Me wife sat on a chair once
at a pram club, and in front of about 20 parents and countless midgets the chair snapped and she fell flat on her arse.

After I helped her up, I quietly whispered to a few of her friends there just out of the wife's earshot "Well if there's one thing we have all learnt, is how quick can I hide a hacksaw?"

Sniggers all round :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:27, 2 replies)

I laught when footballers suffer broken legs ect
just because they deserve it.

and I wouldn't mind breaking my leg for 50 grand a week and a year and a half off work
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:23, Reply)

4th
do we count 4th's? ive never tried

*Edit with story

Ive got a tendancy to laugh at things that really shouldnt be funny, mrs monkey hates when i laugh during arguments.

I was at a christening do on sunday, my mate comes out of the bogs and tells us hes just seen a spastic fall over. We all kind of chuckled and asked if hed checked the man was alright. My mate said he was laughing too hard and had just walked away. We half chided him for being a bit of a twat, saying he could have at least picked him up.

As we're telling him off a rather miffed man with a crutch walks past and we all roar with laughter at his expression. Felt pretty guitly :-/

The bloke did later laugh at the bar about it, said he just had a wet arse and felt like a donut getting back to his seat.
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:23, Reply)

second
mwahaha

/edit - bugger it, third.

Ok, my guilty laugh?

Seeing a blind man fall into a hole that had a workman in it. The workman had watched him tap his way up the road, following his guide dog.

His response after being challenged by my mother as to why he failed to stop the visually-impaired gent toppling base-over-apex into a five foot deep trench?

"Didn't he see the signs?"

I could barely hold the tears of laughter in. I'm going to hell...
(Chad, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:22, 3 replies)

first?
oh cock :(
(stickyfiddle, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:22, Reply)

First!
Hahahaha! Hahahahahahaha!

Sorry
( le brian, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:22, 1 reply)