Girlfriend just today, accidentally
We were sitting having lunch with an old friend of hers who also happens to do Languages at uni. Myself and this girl's boyfriend joked around, mocking their accents, when my girlfriend pipes up with "that's what's corrupted my Rs".
Both of us laughed at this, prompting her (a veteran of much of my laughter) to say "it's not funny Joe, I don't just put it out for you".
I could have widdled myself.
( Dave the Mighty, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 15:41, Reply)

I was talking to my friends the other day
and the topic of conversation came up to the Jailbreak thats happening nearby my place soon.

For those who don't know, a jailbreak is (often) a charity fundraiser where teams of people are taken to a mystery location and have to get back to the original location without any money (so, by means of hitching lifts, etc). Another type of jailbreak is starting at one location and trying to get as far away as possible in 24 hours.

Anyway, my friends and I were discussing the latter. We were talking about what team I would be in, and seeing as i didnt want to go on my own, I had already talked it over with my sister, who had agreed to go with me.

We hadn't discussed a location we would attempt to get to, so i told my friends:

"I just want to see how far I can get with my sister"

Which of course, made me a lovely target of humiliation.
(DanS like you've never DanSed before!, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 15:32, Reply)

I like your "shoes"
Cantonese is a tonal language, which means the the pitch with which you say a word is just as important as the word itself. I strongly suspect that this linguistic characteristic exists solely for the purposes of making us gweilos look silly.

For example, "choy sum" with a tone 4 "sum" is the name of a particularly tasty vegetable, often served in restaurants. "Choy sum" with an almost indistinguishably higher tone (tone 5) means "remove your top". I was once given a filthy, filthy look by a middle aged waitress when I got the two mixed up.

My worst accidental innuendo involved my girlfriend's mother. She doesn't speak much English, but I had taken a few Cantonese lessons and tried to make small talk. My conversational gambit was "Ngoh chong yi lei go hai" (I like your shoes).

Alas, my teacher did not warn me that "hai (tone 5)" means shoes. "Hai (tone 6)" means "cunt".

Whoops.
(I grew it myself, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 15:26, Reply)

Drunken Laughs
Me and my mate were getting rather drunk and that, and we espied this image:

s3.photobucket.com/albums/y70/LainMcDougal/?action=view¤t=Furry_Companion_Cube_by_Anubislives.jpg
My mate suddenly said " That's Cool. Do you have a furry box?"

Both of us were paraletic with laughter for a minute.

Short, but sweet!
(Stephen5555 is posting on, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 15:17, 1 reply)

Oooohhh Sailor etc. etc.
My mate Andy rolls two cigarettes for the way home from work. One for when we're leaving and one for when we're nearly home. After the short walk to where we were parked we sat in the car and Andy put both cigarettes in his mouth while he took his keys out his pocket.

At which point two girls walked past the car and shot Andy (Rollies in mouth) and myself the dirtiest look. "What's their problem?" I asked in bemusement, to which Andy replied;

"They've probably never seen a couple of fags before"....
(DELETE_ME_PLEASE, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 15:03, Reply)

This Just Happened...
I, being the big kid that I am, have one of those phone charm-things dangling off my phone. It usually ends up hanging out of my pocket and jingling (there's a bell on it).

Just now I was clearing the table after a roast beef lunch and my mam remarked on it (in the manner of "aww a teddy. Cute.")

My 11 year old brother on the other side of the table, sensing a chance for distruction, announced loudly: "I'm going to pull it off!"

Cue me breaking into giggles and saying "Well don't do it down here!", which sparked my mam into giggles and my brother into running around the table and rugby-tackling me, stating "I hate you, Tufty! Thats digusting."

Aahhh kids...
(TuftyBee should have been working on, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 14:45, Reply)

I lost my innuendo powers
I'm usually the first one to take a dirty meaning from everyday conversations. However on this particular occasion I must have been having an off day.

I was talking to my boyfriend's dad about the colours I had chosen for the house. Both my chap and his dad have the same football allegiance and as a result, dislike too much red (I know, don't get me started). I had fitted a red blind in the kitchen but had put some lovely blue curtains in our room. His dad was teasing me about the red and I said, "Well it's only the blind that's red. I let him have his way in the bedroom!" And do you know I didn't even realise what I'd said until my chap's dad said, "I don't wanna know what you two get up to!" Try laughing your way out of that one!
( El Lazarus is calm now, Ish,, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 14:20, Reply)

first day
in my first day at my current job with a certain local authority, myself and 6 others were sitting through your standard orientation presentation. all was going as boringly smoothly as these things normally do, until the presenter imparted upon us this charming nugget of information.

"I have to point out that we share a building with the Social Work department. They sometimes have former prisoners come in to their office, and this can include sex offenders. You don't have to worry about the sex offenders on your way in to the office, as they use a different entrance."

Cue uncontrollable fits of giggles all round.
(pishflaps was drunk and bored on, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 14:15, Reply)

Slip of the tongue...
Everyone's mother or grandmother seems to have an incredible knack at the accidental innuendo. My mother is no different.

She would ring me from time to time to tell me all the news/gossip at home and on one particular day we were talking about a neighbour that was having an unfortunate run of health.

'She had been suffering from chest pains' my mam was telling me. So I politely enquired was she getting anything done about it to which my mother replied 'Yeah, her pipes are a bit clogged so she's going to hospital for a blow job'. Me on the other side absolutely speechless, when mam goes 'Oh look what I just said, no no not one of those but the things ....hmmmm....I think they are called angioblasts'. Not too sure what I said after that because the sheer concentration of trying not to laugh ruined my memory.
(babsbunny, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 13:25, Reply)

The work place... An innuendo minefield!
I was looking for a stapler some time ago and I don't like rifling through colleagues draws when they are not around.

I waited for a female colleague to arrive then asked her if she had one, saying "not that I'd ever want to have a good dig around in your draws, never know what you might find!"

She looked horrified, and I realised it sounded shit. HR!
(Fatty Thornton, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 13:22, 1 reply)

A Kiwi instructing Aussie carpenters
A friend of mine's mum has a thick New Zealander accent and was looking to get some quotes done for a timber deck area to the rear of her house.

She couldn't understand why all these Aussie carpenters were going all quiet on the phone when she asked them to come over and give her a quote for a 'bug wooden dick'.
(Ado Fasti, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 12:54, 2 replies)

Haven't checked all the pages...
...but I thought better spread the word anyway to help support anyone who is being disbelieved.

Whilst travelling in Bolivia, we came across a supermarket to gather supplies for our trek up some cold rock, when we came across one of the most popular brands down there.

A brand called Fanny.

Shevels upon shelves of Fanny Jam, tins and tins of dolphin friendly Fanny Tuna.

To top it off, just down the street was a Fanny Hairdressers. The locals looked most confused as we rolled around on the floor.
(Brigadier Arthur Charles, Mrs, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 12:52, 2 replies)

Flexible Learning Approach to Physics
Anyone out there who has studied physics at university may have come across this.

Usually abbreviated to FLAP, it is a collection of extremely boring modules produced by the Open University. Many of our lecturers like to hand out FLAP modules as supplementary reading after lectures, and encourage us to answer the questions as we go through them.

Of course nobody actually does this, and FLAP modules tend to end up at the bottom of the piles of paper and crap that is that is strewn across a students desk/floor and aren’t seen again until moving out time comes in the summer.

ANYWHO. In one exciting quantum physics lecture, the time comes for the FLAPS and lecture notes to be handed out but dear old Fouzia has no idea where she’s put them so quite loudly exclaims “Oh no, I can’t find my flaps!”. Of course this sets the vast majority of the class off giggling like cheeky school girls.

Following up by asking the students at the front if they can see her flaps don’t help either. Luckily she wasn’t camel toeing at the time (I think we all had a look to see if she was though).

Good times.
(Poodles! MCCCXXXVII, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 12:48, 1 reply)

i love cooking...
absolutely adore cooking from scratch everything my family and i eat.

i have made great effort over the years to develope good relationships with various butchers and greengrocers and the like not just locally but wherever i go. it always pays off.

anyway, about 18 months ago a new butcher's shop opened in a wee village not to far away. the name of the butcher? mr pigg, i kid you not. most of the beef and lamb is from his own farm and top stuff it is too.

anyway, there's a rather gorgious young lady been working there lately. the apprentice and i were in that area around lunchtime so popped in to the village for a chicken balti pie sandwich from the baker and to pop into the butcher for a ham shank or hock (one is from the shoulder, the other from the leg but both are rhyming slang as we had discussed on a previous visit) to make some soup.

the apprentice fancies the young lady like mad and blushes ferociously at the thought of her.

so whilst waiting in the bakery queue i gave the apprentice a fiver and told him to nip next door and get me the ham.

poor lad.

he returned a few minutes later in a state of increased agitation clutching a bag to his chest. having walked into the shop and seen it was the gorgious lady behind the counter he got all flustered, put the fiver on the counter and asked if that was enough for a wank!!

insert length and girth...
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 15 Jun 2008, 12:47, Reply)

It's good for your eyes
I work for the world's top tele merchant - which I'm sure I can't name!
One day during a painfully dull hour of craft, we took a caller to try to liven things up a bit. This idea MASSIVELY backfired when, as our 'craft expert' was demoing a technique on how to make new bits of paper look old by soaking it in tea, the elderly caller began to tell us about how she was housebound and had recently become widowed.

Trying to stealthily move the subject back to the show, our flustered presenter quickly asked her "so... have you ever tried teabagging?"
Everybody in the gallery paused for half a second then exploded with laughter over talkback (and thus into his ear) but somehow he managed to keep a relatively straight face. It's possibly the best thing I've ever heard an old woman asked on daytime TV but I'm sure we're all going to hell for it!
(HypnoCops "Solving crimes with the power of their minds", Sun 15 Jun 2008, 12:39, Reply)

erm...
Was wandering aimlessly yesterday in Kowloon and saw a shop called (and I kid you not) "Wanko"

Snrrk snrrk. Its almost like Finbarr Saunders moved east!
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 12:28, 1 reply)

Near hernia
Recently, as I was monumentally stoned and had a near-fatal attack of the munchies, I went in to a local takeaway. As I was ordering the huge repast I had planned, my eyes strayed to the council hygiene certificates behind the counter.

Wish they hadn't!

I very nearly laughed up a lung as I read the name "Yuk Fat Ho".
They'd served three people by the time I could breathe well enough to complete my order.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 11:49, Reply)

top or bottom?
i was at my second jui jitsu class and didn't know what the hell i was doing there apart from getting bashed.

for some reason, i asked my sparring partner if he would like to be top or bottom.
(finnigan70, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 11:15, Reply)

Am I the only person who finds this hilarious?
www.amazon.com/What-Will-Do-Today-Friends/dp/1592261787

and hey, it's going for as little as four cents!

EDIT: I've just realised this book offers "35 Fun Flaps!". Damn, I only have two!
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 11:13, 3 replies)

Me and a mate
Once walked into a now-defunct bookshop in Leeds, saw the display entitled 'Tolkien's Ring' and just had to leave...
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 10:56, Reply)

My apartment
When I first inspected the apartment I now live in, about four years ago, my cousin came along as he had a car and I didn't. My cousin is gay, which makes no difference to my regard for him, but does make this story slightly more impressive.

As we walked around the large, well-maintained one-bedroom apartment, we marveled at how cheap it was and in such a good location, too. In fact, the only real problem was a bit of a musty smell, which we agreed could easily be got rid of.

"A little incest should solve that problem!" I said...

Our faces froze in horror and we retired to separate rooms to weep in desperation/wet ourselves from laughing.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 10:55, Reply)

Religious innuendo
My friend's dad used to be a priest in his local village, and when we used to go round his house, we'd always be cracking up at the brass plaque that was on his dad's desk to remind us all of his religous duty:

"Let God fill you with his great peace"

How we giggled like little children.
( flapmeister knows where your mum lives, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 10:51, 1 reply)

And just yesterday...
I'd put some stuff on the washing line in the morning, and by the afternoon here in sunny Norfolk it began to piss it down with rain.

And rather loudly I announced in front of both brother and boyfriend:

"Oh no, my knickers are getting wet!"

Whoops.
(TheHBoxster is probably playing Beatles Rock Band on, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 10:43, Reply)

A la Scorpion below
There's a carwash place here in town that offers "the best handjob in town"

It MUST have been intended, ffs its on one of the busiest roads through the city. In the red light area too.

edit . . . I see, from several pages back, that someone in Doncaster must have nicked the handjob claim from here (NZ)
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 10:40, 3 replies)

Water-bottle
When me and a friend were on a hiking trip, he suspected his water-bottle was leaking. He asked me to check it. I did and this is what I had to say:

“It sure feels wet down there”.

Realising what I’d said, I continued:

“If only I could say this in a different context”.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 10:39, Reply)

title?
Oh, goody, a topic I can post on, thanks to my mother, who has been blessed with the female equivalent of Finbarr Saunders for a daughter as well as her tendency to engage the mouth before the brain. Thanks to this, my mother is now a touch more clued up on expressions and practices than she really ever wanted to be.
My mums lovely, a really sweet lady, a little sheltered perhaps, tends to see the good in people and tries really hard just to make sure everyone is OK and looked after. You know the type. My dads a bit more on to it, and my brother and sister, well, we’re all pretty filthy-minded. Just to set give you an idea of the dynamic.

So the first time my bloke meets the fambly. Him and me are reasonably serious as a couple, and he wants to make a good impression, so he’s on best behaviour. Poor bloke, dealing with my family in one meeting.
All’s going well so far, we’re sitting in the living room, we’ve had a nice cuppa and some bikkies, my mum has asked my bloke all about his job, his parents, a bit about his childhood, and all is going swimmingly, until, my mum, obviously scraping the barrel slightly to sustain the conversational flow comes out with the immortal line . . . “So . . . . Tom . . . have you ever had a dog?”
Poor bloke didn’t know what to say, especially with the rest of us blatantly crying with laughter. It would have been quite rude, he thought, to join in to complete a room of people laughing at my mum. At least the first time he met her. Bless.

But it gets better. Not content with that little faux pas, fast forward an hour or so (wibbly lines) and we’re all sitting round the dinner table; Mum’s serving up, but can’t quite reach what she needs to . . . “excuse me, Tom . . . while I just come in front of you”. Again he had the commendable ability to keep a straight face as, again, we collectively herniate around him.
_____________________________________________________
Another time . . . with reference to quickly walking the dog down the alley way behind our garden (good old northern streets with the alleyways separating the houses from one road to the next) as opposed to a decent 20 minute walkie . . .

“ I’m just going to take the dog up the back” (I actually have dubious photographic evidence of this act, scarily enough)



Oh, there are loads more but I can’t remember them, as is my fashion. I’m loving this thread though, definite tea-spitting at the screen here being a regular occurrence.



To comment on length would just be wrong in this topic.
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 10:36, Reply)

Followed by a stunned silence.
About a year and a half ago I was around at the in-law's for sunday dinner with the wife, all three of her brothers, their partners and kids.

The eldest niece (aged about three) gets fed up towards the end of the meal and starts playing with a pea that has fallen from her plate onto the table. Mother in law, in all her naive innocence pipes up - "I hope you're not going to turn into a bean flicker like your Dad."
(ianb, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 10:35, Reply)

STOP HAMMERING DAVIS, SAYS CLEGG
Just a headline on the BBC news this morning.
(Article below if you're actually interested or would like proof of this licence-funded smut:
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/7455298.stm)
(LongJohnBaldry, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 10:34, 1 reply)

mike hunt
its not really an innuendo more a faux pas and it happened last night, so i feel the need to share.

picture the scene, busy chinese restuarant. Family meal, two round tables next to eachother.

We had all eaten and most of the family , about 15 of them, had gathered round one table. Myself, my dad my uncle and cousin stayed on the other.

We were talking about gag names and I mentioned some and my uncle mentioned Mike Hunt and how it was used on a film (we think it was Porkys).

At this point I was a few pints in and was laughing alot and I meant to say:

'next time i fill in a COT* im going to sign it Mike Hunt'.

I actually said:

'next time i fill in a cunt....'

i didnt get any further as we errupted on our table.

My concern was if anyone on the other table had heard.

My concerns wained because I told this joke:
Man in a lift grazes a womans breast, he says 'im so sorry, but if your heart is as soft as your breast please forgive me.' She replies ' if your cock is as hard as your elbow im in room 43.'

My aunt (jokingly) told me off for saying the word cock... i figure cunt is worse than cock, therefore I was not heard before.

*cot is a boring work document for anyone who wondered.
(jenko83, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 9:34, Reply)

In my Engineering days...
I'd often have to ream a bush to make sure a shaft would slide in...
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 9:30, Reply)