An aquaintance asked me if I had ever used cocaine.
She's so nosy!
(lanternchikk hat eine schwere Bohlenallergie, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 19:59, Reply)

whats the definition of a will?
(it's a dead giveaway)
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 19:44, Reply)

Bindun so much it needed a makeover
So, this frog walks into a bank, and meets loans specialist A mister Patrick Whack...

"The name's Jagger, Kermit Jagger" says the frog. "I need a loan."

"How much?" replies the personal banker, in a thick Irish accent. The irish Accent was important. It'd make more sense when the manager calls him Paddy.

"£10,000", replies the frog. Speaking pure Numeric. Littel known fact that frogs need an income of about 100 quid a month in order to afford their fly-catching permit.

"Well, if I'm going to loan you that much, I'll need come collateral. Are you a homo?" Patrick was a bit thick, and his brain had fudged up the word "home-owner" - being an Irishman in a joke he had no choice but to succumb to the stereotype.

"Don't be fucking daft" said the frog, I live in a pond!

"Well, do you have anything else of value?"

"Hmm", ponders the frog. "I do have this...", he says, as he produces a porcelain figurine from his pocket, in the shape of an big cock.

The banker is confused, as he can't see how it could possibly be valuable. But, not wanting to offend the frog, he asks him to wait for a minute while he goes to talk to the bank manager.

"Sir", he says. "I have a frog here called Kermit Jagger. He wants to borrow some money. Unfortunately, the only thing he can offer me is this porcelain cock. What should I do?"

The bank manager grins, and replies:

Go fuck yourself Paddy you idiot.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 19:36, Reply)

The plural of "penis"
The plural of "penis" really is just "penises". A lot of people think it's "penii" but this is a phallusy.

Sorry.
(unimaginative_username, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 19:22, Reply)

Tommy Cooper
My favourite Tommy Cooper gag was a bit visual, but...

Tommy's standing on the stage and says, "I shall now turn this stick of rock into some furniture". And he snaps it, twice.

"There you go", says Tommy, "Three piece suite".

Kills me every time that one.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 19:05, 2 replies)

Noddy Holder...
...goes to a charity shop to get fitted out with a costume for a 70's-themed disco.

The shop assistant has no problem sorting out flares, wing collars and the kind of suit jacket last seen on your R.E. Teacher, but is obviously wondering how to complete the ensemble.

In a flash of inspiration he asks "Would you like a kipper tie?".

Noddy replies "that'd be loovely. Two sugars please.".
(Undecided MORE POWER to the Interrossiter, Bosun., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 19:03, Reply)

I once knew.............
A nudist bellringer. He was never the same after the vicar told him off.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 18:49, Reply)

Borderline pun, but who really cares?
How do you tittilate and Ocelot?

You oscillate it´s tit a lot!

Thank you, thank you. I´ll be performing here all week.
(blairslovechild, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 17:54, Reply)

Ginger (führer)? Attempting theft?
Don't get caught red-headed.
(lanternchikk hat eine schwere Bohlenallergie, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 17:51, Reply)

why the fuck not eh?
Whats the difference between a wank and anal sex?

One makes your day, the other makes your whole week
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 17:41, 1 reply)

Puns, puns, puns, puns, puns...
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot.

Q: What do you call a man with a hawk on one shoulder and a kestrel on the other; who's vacuuming, at night, with the lights out?
A: Hawk-kestrel man hoovers in the dark.

Fact: Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not happy.

Q: What is a wog?
A: A wump of wood.

Q: What's green and sounds like a dog?
A: A frog.

Q: What's black and white and sounds like a horse?
A: A zebra.

...please god - make it stop!
(minimalist ..., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 17:33, 3 replies)

If you call someone "as gay as a bellringer"
is it a camp analogy?
( wynoh kills threads by his mere presence, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 17:26, Reply)

Davros' Grandad brought the Little Waster to mind for the first time in years
"So, ma eyes was playin' up, so ah went to the Eye Doctah.
'Now then, Mr Thompson', 'e says, dead posh like, 'Come in, take a seat and read the letters on the board please.'
"Well, ah'm looking around the room a bit and he gets peevish like - 'Come on, Come on, read the letters on the board'"
"'Read the lettas on the board?' Ah says to 'im. 'Ah cannat even see the cage!'"
(richardm, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 17:19, 5 replies)

Worst flight I ever had was when
I had a certain crappy pro-wrestler turned crappy actor on one side and a paleontologist on the other waving a fosilised fish at me and telling me how fucking interesting it was....

Fucking awful...

...stuck between the Rock and a hard plaice...
( SpankyHanky, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 17:13, Reply)

Was up on the deck of the USS Enterprise
.. and asked that Kirk fella for a hand with something.

He said: "Don't tell me your troubles, i've got Tribbles of my own."
(flynbo puts this one down to his misspelt youth, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 16:51, Reply)

Geordie pun no. 3
A Geordie taxi driver was on his nightly rounds, when steam started belching from under his bonnet. He stopped the car, got out to have a look, but was unable to do anything himself. So he called the AA.

"Me car's brokken doon an' ah canny fix it", he said to the operative.

"What's the problem, marra?", asks the helpful AA employee.

"Ah divven't knaa, but there's loads o' steam comin' oot the engine".

"Reet. Soonds like yer owerheat'n'", replied the AA man.

"Owerheat'n? Nah, Ah'm in Waallsend man".


translation available on request
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 16:47, Reply)

A Scotsman...
...goes to visit his local Vicar. Upon entering the vicarage and sitting down, the Vicar enquires, "Would you like a cup of tea, or a merangue?" the Scotsman replies "No, you're right, I'll have a cup of tea"


(sorry!)
(Cow_Tipping_Samurai, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 16:47, 2 replies)

A fellow farm hand....
....Was heading out to the hay fields. He asked me if I was coming. I said, "Nah, I'm just breathing heavy."
(insectra, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 16:44, 1 reply)

Two brothers...
A woman has identical twin boys, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal.

The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
(Rikaitch is full of crap ideas., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 16:44, Reply)

sadly one of my proudest moments.
I was talking to a friend about odds and ends at the gritty bottom of an all night session.

"you do know the Israeli army have their own martial arts?"

"what's it called, Jew jit su?"
(The_Greyhound wrote www.luckymcdanger.blog.co.uk on, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 16:43, 1 reply)

On the subject of hair care
Ah tried some of that there herbal shampoo the other day, ye knaa.

Ah thorit were quite nice mesel.

must be read in a Geordie accent
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 16:40, Reply)

D I Y (or the worst fucking pun in the fucking world ever, fuck) !!!
Went to provide moral support to a mate who's band was playing the other night.

They're a death metal outfit named Saw. Lots of "Grrrrrr's", and "Arrrgggghhhh's", loads of fun, really.

The venue was a bit shit, though. The stage was really low down. I recall mulling about before the gig while they were setting up. I suggested we elevated the stage by sticking some breeze blocks on the floor and putting some planks of wood down.

"Great idea, Spanky," says my mate. And we set about cobbling the stage together, A-Team style.

There was one problem, though. There were five band members but when they'd all clambered onto the stage, it bowed and sagged and creaked like a motherfucker, and the effect of being on a stage was lost; their combined weight meant the mock stage was almost touching the floor.

"You need to be higher up," I suggested. "The people at the back won't be able to see you."

By this time people were starting to filter into the venue. It was too late to piss about with the stage. I advised it might be ok if one of the band stood to one side.

"Mikey," said my mate. "You can stand over there by the stage."

Mikey looked incredibly pissed off: "Is this 'cause I'm black?" he grumbled.

"No," sighed my mate, "It's because you're the heaviest."

Still complaining, Mikey steps off the stage and sets up his amp on the floor by the rest of his bandmates from the mighty Saw. With a creak the stage settles down and looks damn fine, if I do say so. The four remaining band members seem to soar higher into the air. Now it looked like a proper fucking gig.

It was awsome.

But the venue was fucking tiny. Halfway through one of their better songs - I'm gonna rip off your head and wank down the hole - Mikey swings his bass and smacks a girl standing near the front full in the face. She goes down like the proverbial sack of shit, blood gushing from a head wound.

Oh, dear...

But apart from that it was a fucking fine evening.

Walking back to the tube afterwards Mikey asks for my assessment of the evening.

I sigh, look him in the eye and say:

"Band Saw, four higher, by black and deck 'er."
( SpankyHanky, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 16:36, Reply)

Woman goes to a hair salon in Geordieland
"What can ah dee f' yee pet"? asks the hairdresser.

"I'd like a perm, please", comes the reply.

"Whey aye", the scissor monkey says. "Ah wandered lernley as a cloud..."
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 16:35, 10 replies)

A band are setting up in a pub for the evening's gig
The lead singer, taking a break from mic check, grabs a barstool and peruses the cocktail menu. He summons the barman over, and asks for an Innuendo.

So the barman gives him one.






A sound engineer sees the drink, likes the look, and orders an Innuendo for himself. The barman gives him one too.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 16:33, 1 reply)

Oldies
She was only the groom's daughter but all the horsemen knew 'er.
He was only the pump attendant's gay son but he knew a lot about benzole.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 16:21, Reply)

How do you get two whales in a Mini?
Drive over the Severn bridge.

(/tumbleweed. I tried to work Narwhals in there, but no luck.)
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 16:19, Reply)

Freud...
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.

Probably bindun but it's the first thing I thought of.
(Skawt, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 16:15, 2 replies)

What do you call...
...a man with a wooden head?
Edward

...a man with a wooden head and two wooden legs?
Edward Woodward

...a man with a wooden head, two wooden legs and a wooden knob?
I don't know, but Edward Woodward would

Apologies for crapness.
(eesnahk, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 16:14, 1 reply)

Probably bindun
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Cook it in a microwave until its Bill Withers.
(twentington, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 16:06, 1 reply)