Went for a meal last night with a group of people from work
One of the girls was telling us about where she was going to go on holiday and was getting more and more excited about what she was telling us before exclaiming, "And there's a jetty that actually goes out into the sea!" Cue a chorus of laughter from us all and one of us having to explain that's what jetty’s do.
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:37, Reply)

Great conversations of our time.
*Ring ring. Ring ring*

Them: "Hallo, company X"
Me: "Hi. I'm wondering if you could help me. Could you tell me if Bob Jones still works there, please?"
Them: "I'm sorry, I can't give out any details of our staff."
Me: "I don't want any details. I'm just wanting to know if he still works there."
Them: "I'm very sorry, I can't give out any staff details at all."
Me: "Not even whether or not someone is still there?"
Them: "I'm not allowed to give out any staff details."
Me: "Okay, let's try this another way. Can you put me through to Bob Jones, please?"
Them: "He's not at his desk at the moment."
Me: "So he does still work there then? Thanks. That's all I needed to know."

*click*
(davywavy, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:33, 1 reply)

I worked in retail for two years. In Norwich.
Click "I like this" if you agree that this QOTW is over before it has begun
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:30, 1 reply)

Is there anything worse than providing IT support to an elderly relative?
Ring ring... ring ring...

*click*

MrP: Hello?
Dad: I need to scan a photo and email it to someone
MrP: OK
Dad: How do I do that?
MrP: You scan the photo. Save it as a JPEG somewhere you can find it... like your desktop, if there's any space left on it (nyuk nyuk)... and then you attach it to the email you're sending.

(Now, I was anticipating questions like 'what's a JPEG' and 'how do I attach it?' However...)

Dad: which button do I press on the scanner?
MrP: you have to use the scan software
Dad: I can't see it... nope, it's not on my computer
MrP: Yes it is. *Takes deep breath* Press Start.
Dad: What's that?
MrP: You know, the start button. The big button with START written on it.
Dad: I don't have that.
MrP: Bottom left of your screen. What do you see?
Dad: Oh-ho! I've never noticed that before! What does it do?

I swear this is a true story. 5 years using Windows XP and the Start button had never been touched.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:24, 2 replies)

It was sport relief day
oh, its topical!

a few years back i had a new trainee working with me. I should say im a solicitor. 40. male. single. My firm was as dull as anything. Never anything out of the ordinary

she was 23. Karen was far from ordinary.

"so, have you got your uniform sorted for tomorrow?"
"eh?"
"comic relief Karen, we all dress up. this years theme is...(now i should have stopped myself here) school"

bless her.

she managed to fit into her school uniform and only took 90 minutes to realise i had not been completely honest with her.

she never raised a sexual harassment grievance. just as well, i was head of employment
(sarcasminasuit, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:18, 11 replies)

Thoughtless bird
My dad was on holiday with his then girlfriend in Mauritius. Running short on clothes he buys himself a t-shirt featuring the islands most famous extinct resident, the dodo. Que the following conversation:

Catherine: What's that on your shirt, it looks like a cross between a duck and a chicken!
Dad: It's a dodo.
Catherine: We've been here a whole week now and I haven't seen a single one of the critters.

Sweet mother of Moses was this woman thick.
(The Liquorice Allstar I need cricket, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:17, 1 reply)

My friend from college
was also convinced that in a combustion engine, the chambers completely fill with fuel, as opposed to just a fine mist. When confronted by the fact that just starting the car would cause the fuel tank to implode, propelling the car along like a bottle-rocket, he then claimed that only a bit of the fuel is ignited as is topped up on each stroke.

Then I had to convince him that liquids are not compressible (well only by a vanishingly small amount under extreme pressure) otherwise hydraulics wouldn't work, he then resigned but then claimed that the there was a fuel/air mix of 4 parts of air to 1 part fuel.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:17, Reply)

Speedy Pearoast
Whilst mum was visiting for a coffee one day years ago...

MUM: The school (she's a teacher) has given me one of those UPS dongles to put stuff on.
ME: You mean a USB stick?
MUM: {giggles} Ah yeah, that's it.
ME: So how big is it?
MUM: {putting hands about 3 inches apart on the table} About that big, give or take.
ME: {Gently headbutting the tabletop} Never mind.

I love her to bits and in her defence she's an excellent teacher, but she can be daft as a brush sometimes.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:07, 2 replies)

Americans
I'm sure there's probably be a lot of stories mentioning them.

Went on holiday to Utah skiiing with my parents when I was younger. Whilst over there, we went with a friend of my Dad's who was working out there to have dinner with a local family he'd befriended.

Being a kid, I was left to pass the time with the kids. Cue question from daughter (aged about 12):

'So why do you live in England?.'
'That's where I'm from.'
'But why don't you come and live in America?.'
'Erm... I don't know.'
'Well, I suppose England is sort of part of America anyway...'
'Eh?'
'Well, you speak English, don't you, so it's sort of part of America...'

Infallible logic.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 9:59, 1 reply)

Famous Movie Quotes
A work colleague and I managed to persuade another worker that the following were the correct lines from films. We told him that the lines he thought were correct were wrong; similar to "Play it again, Sam" being a misquotation from the 1942 film Casablanca:

- Frankly my dear, I don't give a shit
- You're only supposed to blow the doors off the bloody van!
- To infinity and further than that!
- I'll be back - in a minute
- Show me the money to my face! Show me the money to my face!
- You talkin' to me again?
- I'm gonna make him an offer he can't turn down
- Here's looking at you, child
- The name's James Bond. That's B-O-N-D. Bond
- I see ghosts

Also, when asked what the weather forecast was, he pointed to the TV and said, "Look it's still on there, 'Summary'. Doesn't look like Summer to me".
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 9:58, 3 replies)

google earth
The one below reminded me of when I was showing my Mrs Google earth.

Did the usual zoom in and found our house.

"Oh, isn't that clever" she says. "Go out in the garden and wave to me!".
( Not Pineapple anymore, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 9:50, 2 replies)

Oh, those primitive Iraqis...
Aged 20 I went out with a girl who was 24 and a primary school teacher, though not exactly the sharpest knife you've ever encountered in the toolshed. We were once having a discussion about teaching her class geography, and I suggested she might like to use Google Earth.
"What's that?" she replied. So we went over to my computer and I loaded up the old GE. I showed her how to use it and how to zoom in on houses etc. We found my house, her house, the school where she worked, even her car parked outside her mum's! She then asked me if we could have a look at some other countries. When I asked her to pick one, she said "my brother's fighting out in Iraq at the moment, can we have a look there?"
So we zoomed out and flicked a quater of the way round the world to Iraq. I asked "where's he based?"
"Oh, some place beginning with a B. Bangra?"
"Erm...Basra?"
"Yeah, that's it."
So I started to zoom in on a few buildings in Basra. She stopped me mid-zoom
"What are all those square things?"
"Er....they're houses."
"What?! Don't they live in mud huts?"
"...."

Remember, these people are teaching the youth of today.
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 9:48, Reply)

Another 'Ex-Girlfriend' one.....
When Tim 'The Blue Kangaroo' Cahill was playing with a injured arm, he wore a medical support, that, somehow I managed to get 'er indoors to believe that he had a prosthetic elbow. Fully working forearm/hands etc, just the elbow.

She asked me 3 weeks later (After I had completely forgot) how that could work. I sent her to wikipedia.
(indoubitabley, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 9:42, Reply)

Woof!
Dear S
Given that you have supposedly been studying for an English degree, you have lived a life remarkably untroubled by vocabulary.

How long is it going to be before you realise that a pogrom is not a breed of dog?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 9:42, 1 reply)

I've been proud/ashamed of this for a week now
Last Saturday, Hammersmith: I'm walking down the street, and a car pulls up to me and a voice shouts 'scuse me mate!' from within. I lean in, and stone me: it's Jason Flemyng, star of Lock, Stock etc, Snatch, Stardust and ITV's own Primeval etc etc.

"Do you know how to get to Goldhawk Road?" he asks.

"Goldhawk Road? It's back that way, mate," and I point to the direction he's come from. He looks glum at this news. What can I say? "Sorry," was the best I could come up with. He says thanks, looks grim and pulls off.

I turn away and start walking again, amused that Jason Flemyng asked me for directions, when it occurs to me that he was in car. He was in a car, so he probably won't think of London in terms of public transportation, as I do. He was in a car, so probably wasn't interested in going to Goldhawk Road Tube station. He was probably after Goldhawk Road itself, the street that isn't really near the station of the same name. The street that was in entirely the opposite direction to where I sent him.

So: score one for the little guy, yes, but also: fucking hell, how stupid was that? I can only assume he thinks I'm an utter cunt, and that I sent him the wrong way deliberately because nobody could surely be that stupid.

I was so upset by my own stupidity that I was tempted to email an apology to his agent. Bit stalker-y though, so I didn't. Fuck him.
(Land of Green Ginger It's dreamy weather, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 9:35, 2 replies)

"See yous later...
we're off to the spinning class. See you in an hour."
we told our officemates.

Pipes up one of them,
"An hour... wow. You won't get dizzy?"

We're scientists.
(LeSingeVert : left handed since slightly before, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 9:29, 1 reply)

Pub knowledge
All completely true, all by "bloke in pub"

"You don't want to get her a pony mate, they eat like horses"

"Clever things those homing pigeons like, wish I had the brains of a pigeon" (Hence the signature)

"Will you be fit for next weekend?" "I'm 90/20"

"He should be dragged under the coals for that"

"Do you need a licence to drive a horse on the road?"

"It's that self-defecating humour"

and a final one from "woman in pub"

"Eeee y'know, when they said about that Global Warming on the news, I thought they were talking about a company"
(Worthless wishes he had the brains of a pigeon, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 9:29, Reply)

Dogging
I had a chat with my lodger once and we started talking about weird sex and how he knew a friend of a friend who claimed to have sex with his dog.

Later he told me that this was more popular than he thought and that people actually met up at night in car parks to do have sex with dogs. That was why it was called dogging.

I put him right on that one.
(BearWithLittleBrain, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 9:27, 2 replies)

The girl in the next office
Being the nice chap I am, I often give her a lift home. One such time, she was half listening to the radio and came out with this gem:
"snee, when you want to concentrate on the radio, do you look at it to hear it better?"
"Um, no - I'll usually turn up the volume..."
( snee held his breath since, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 9:25, 1 reply)

me
sometimes i wonder how i hold onto my job.

i am trying to book a telecon with a client and a surveyor, fairly high value £3M terminal dilapidations claim (landlord suing for outstanding repairs to a building at the end of a lease, in case anyone cares, which i certainly don't). this means lots of fussing about online availability of dilaps schedules and licences to alter and dreadful phrases like "so that we can be sure we are all singing from the same hymn sheet".

so the client is based in the states, and we are trying to book a time for the conference call. he suggests 3.30pm UK time on mon next week. and i reply (to all):

"thank you for facilitating the conference call and i confirm that i am available to dial in at the time you suggest. however, just to remind the uk contingent that the clocks go forward this weekend."

i only realised quite what a monumental tool this made me look after i pressed send. i can only think i left my brain in the pub last night...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 9:22, 6 replies)

In the post office..
..the other day a woman asked the assistant how much it would be to post a package to Australia. When told the price she said, "it's not in the EU then?"

An old guy I worked with years ago told me that all the stars are planets.

And one of my own; when I was a kid I thought that sealing wax was ceiling wax. I couldn't figure out why people would want to wax their ceilings.
(Haywood Manley, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 9:20, 6 replies)

Julia HK

Her again.

Announced to the office that she didn't like showers because the soap got too slippery.

Spat coffee all over my desk on that one.
(Suck it and Sea, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 9:03, Reply)

HK Julia

Another one from Hong Kong Julia.

We were talking in the office about mobile phones and the new ones which were digital rather than the old analogue - this was a few years ago.

She asked which would be the best one to get as she used to call her friends in HK late at night (when they were having their breakfat).

Naturally, being the font of knowledge I told her that she needed to go into one of the mobile shops and ask for a special HK phone, because these new digital ones would only transmit English so she would need a special one if she wanted to speak chinese to her mates.

Off she trotted.

She almost lamped me when she came back as everyone in the shop laughed at her.

Oops
(Suck it and Sea, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 9:00, Reply)

Are you coming out for St Patricks day?
Ignorant Englishman: Are ya? I've bought a big stupid fucking green hat with stupid fucking jangly fucking bells on it and I'm going to drink loads of Guniness and do a fucking jig when I get to the pub. The pub have decorated everything in green for St Patricks day and have 'The fairytale of New York' on a non stop loop. Its going to be ace, to be sure!

Me: Do you know when St Georges day is?

Ignorant Englishman: Whats that?
(Spaff_Quaffer Wise fwom your gwave., Fri 19 Mar 2010, 8:54, 12 replies)

Hong Kong Dummy
A woman at my place of work was born in HK but had lived in London most of her 30 years.

As we were in the Insurance industry we used to phone brokers on a regular basis.

Dumb bint called Julia (not her HK name) phoned a broker up one morning, but his phone was picked up by a colleague who told her that broker X was not in the office but had gone to the Market. She hung up the phone and announced to the office that she couldn't believe that he had gone shopping this time in the morning!

Oh how we laughed. Oh how red she went when we explained.

If you don't get this then you won't find it funny & not explaining it to you.

More stories of Julia to follow.
(Suck it and Sea, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 8:51, Reply)

A long time back, I taught my mother to play
roadrash.
I told her she had to press enter to kick and went off for a shower.

I return some time later to find her still at the starting line.

Kicking.
(Archeleus hates cabbage, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 8:47, Reply)

My mum the other day
'What, you can still do internet shopping in the middle of the night?'

Oldies, what are they like?
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 8:43, Reply)

Public hair
What?
You know, down there?
(Archeleus hates cabbage, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 8:42, Reply)

Bollocks!
Friend of mine told me this story the other night - he witnessed this first hand.

Picture the scene. 1st year medical students, in an anatomy exam. In one module, they had to identify, on plastic models, the male and female reproductive bits. One student came up to my friend and said, "This model's cheating - it's both male and female".

"That can't be - what do you mean?", replied my friend.

"Well", said the student, "it's got a penis", as he pointed to that organ, "and ovaries", while he pointed to the testicles.

This guy is training to be a doctor of medicine. You'd think he might have known what his bollocks were by this time.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 8:38, 1 reply)