I'm not quite alcoholic but....
when my missus threw away a half-full bottle of single malt I became very disspirited.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 11:16, 1 reply)

i feel a bit sad
every time i flush the toilet .
(happyjoy last changed sig on, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 11:06, 3 replies)

Lost
Series 5.

Bastards. February 2009.
(dchurch bah, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 11:04, 5 replies)

I created
The most beautiful city in the universe, populated it with the best and most intelligent beings throughout the multiverse and put it on earth.

Now, its called Antler maybe, or Antalis . . something like that, fuck it after existing for all of creation the mind does tend to wander a little bit, anyway its on Earth somewhere, if you find it please drop me a prayer.

Thanks

God
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:59, Reply)

I lost...
The front of my face and maybe a small baby (depends which red top you read).

Princess Di, aka the Queen of Hearts.

P.S. Do I win a prize for no Star Wars mention?
(Neostenine's maker, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:56, 3 replies)

My love affair with you, QOTW
We've been through some highs and lows together; first of all you helped me make sense of my marriage breakup in "That's when I knew it was over", you were also there for me when I lost my much loved cat Leonard and I vividly remember my tears of joy during our "Best Graffiti Ever" phase, when I found myself utterly spellbound with your irreverent wit and zany observational comedy. I also remember with gratitude how you helped me deal with my harrowing childhood in "DIY Disasters".

I foolishly forgave you for "Cheap Tat", although in retrospect I should have seen more of this behaviour coming. We struggled to see eye to eye during the "How nerdy are you?" phase, I'm sure you can understand why I felt it necessary to almost leave you forever when you went through your unfortunate "Mix Tape" debacle, as my respect for you reached an all time low.

I see you now for what you are. You're bipolar, joyful highs are matched by soul crushing lows and because of that I feel I need to rethink the rest of our relationship.

One more "Star Wars" figures story and it'll be over for us.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:55, 3 replies)

I've lost something of mine

Two robots, a tall golden shiny one, and an annoying little blue and white one.

Reward if found.

D. Vader
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:50, 3 replies)

My story
I once made a trilogy of films. They had spaceships, princesses, robots, a big bloke in a furry costume, some little blokes in other furry costumes, and an annoying robot that went beep. They were ace. I was talented, and my hair was lovely and thick and curly.

Then about 30 years later I made three more films involving all of the above, and the most annoying CG character ever in the history of everything, and they were not ace at all but a big pile of wank.

My mum said she threw out my talent ages ago but I don't agree.

Yours

G Lucas
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:47, Reply)

Start Wars
Actually, haven't lost my ability to do so yet, but I'll miss it after the election in November.

Yours

George W. Bush
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:42, Reply)

We had
a 6 foot tall Golly Wog (apologies to all those who take offence, but its what I'm led to believe the Robinson's mascot was called) stuffed toy thing.

Mum sold it at a car boot sale for a fiver.

Its worth in the region of £100's now :(
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:42, Reply)

Hello.
My name is Noel, and I'm the guy who buys all the Star Wars figures your parents sell at car boot sales or give to charity.

But I don't sell them on ebay. Ohhh no! I keep them all in my shed where I spend hours and hours reenacting scenes from Return of the Jedi, and cackling at your misfortune. Sometimes I glue string to their heads and pretend I'm directing a L'oreal advert. Other times I smear them with jam and watch as the giant ants and wasps engorge themselves on your unhappiness.

They usually cost less than a quid, too!

Did I lose anything? No, but I'm sure glad you did.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:41, 4 replies)

Lost
One empire, if found please return to

The Queen
Buckingham Palace
London
England
HRH1 1QQ
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:37, 1 reply)

I had a Star Wars figures story...
...that lost all its potency.
(Chester Elegante ........ladies., Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:34, Reply)

I used to love my will to live.
Then I saw this QOTW.

Guess what happened next?

Edit: I actually did have a Star Wars toy related story to post, but I’ll be fucked if I’m going to do that now
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:24, 1 reply)

Car boot
A couple of years ago, my mum had a car boot frenzy and sold loads of our old junk (for it was mostly junk).

The only thing I was a bit sad about (and a bit pissed off cos I wasn't asked first) was the sale of my Playmobil Victorian dolls' house for the princely sum of £15. I appreciate that, being 23 or 24 at the time, I probably wouldn't have got much use out of it though.

My mum also accidentally sold a load of my brother's action figures too - joke's on her though, she's having to buy them back on eBay before he notices (although a crappy Silver Surfer on a wheely surfboard and an Iceman that doesn't freeze probably won't set her back too much).

She kept my Sylvanians and Fuzzy Felt though, yay!
(claireyfairy There's a smell in here that will outlast religion, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:22, 2 replies)

Star Wars
I once had a great missile defence system but then the Cold War ended and my successors sold it all at an international car boot sale.

Love,
Ronald Reagan.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:18, 7 replies)

Valuable possessions
Dignity and a sense of perspective were once very important to me.

I lost them completely.

That's why I'm filling up the board with endless stories of lost toys and dead relatives. I'll be all over the /all list.

/grumpy.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:14, Reply)

Innocence Lost! If found, please call!
You might think that alcohol is a wonderful thing. I used to too. However, I was forced to changed my opinion about that one late evening in the autumn of 2006.

Let me take you back... *wavy lines*

I was living, after the disastrous breakdown of a relationship, with my Mum back in Essex, having made the decision to return to my native south from the frozen wasteland that calls itself Wakefield. By strange coincidence, my mother’s marriage had fallen apart at pretty much the same time.

So there we were, mother and son, still smarting from the breaks that still marked our hearts. We sat in the garden, soaking up the last of the setting sun, smoking John Player Specials, setting the world to rights, and drinking – without pause or hesitation – a huge bottle of Bacardi between us. It was a great evening, the first time we had talked (properly talked, I mean) in years.

And so it was, at about 10 o’clock, that my mother decided to throw away something that I will never get back. Right in front of my face, no less. My childish innocence that I was conceived by immaculate conception and my mother remained pure as the driven snow.

Shakily, she sat forward. Solemnly, she placed her glass on the table, and fixed me with one of her crystal gazes.

“D’you wanna know something?” She slurred, her eyes crossing slightly.
“Wha?” I replied, trying to work out which of her I should be paying attention to.
“I’ll... I’ll bloody well tell you. Listen. No, listen. “ big pause. And then:

”I’ve never had an orgasm.”

My brain took about three quarters of a second to process this. Synapses fired, my liver went in to overdrive, and I sobered up in a quarter of a second. One second after this gargantuan bombshell had been dropped, and I was stone cold sober. And, for the first time in my short but colourful life, speechless. But she wasn’t finished yet.

“I was married to to to him for TEN YEARS, and I could count the amount of times we had sex on one hand.”

Oh no. Oh Baby Jesus, NO! Why is she telling me this? Quick, change the subject.

“Oh look mum, we’ve run out of cigarettes, I’ll go and get some more...”

“No you won’t. Siddown. Three times I’ve been married. THREE. TIMES. And the nearest I got to sexual gra... gratifi... grantnfication was driving on the rumble strips on the way to Tesco.”

After that, she collapsed in to mumbling. I retired to bed, shell-shocked. We have never spoken of it again.




Until, that is, she enthusiastically told me that she’s never had it so good, or so often, as she has with her new man. So good for them.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:14, 20 replies)

I’ve never been very successful with women…

Perhaps it’s due to my overbearing sexism and lack of respect for women. Many’s the time I have referred to the fairer sex as ‘birds’, or ‘bits of fluff’.

Because of this, on a couple of occasions I have resorted to a dial up dating agency to enable me to relieve my nads of their excess tonnage.

But that’s where the trouble started…

At first, it was simple. ‘Make the call, girl comes over, straight sex’ kind of stuff. Mostly harmless. But after a while I got increasingly kinky and asked the ladies to stand there whilst I physically pushed them forcefully around the room. I even asked one to dress up as a secretary and do random administration duties…whilst all the time I was violently strangling my lamb cannon.

Unfortunately, the ladies on the agency soon refused to have anything to do with me, and I was banned from calling them again.

I got over it eventually, but often it is with deepest regret that I reminisce about:


‘Phone-A-Lay: the fluff I shoved and bossed’.


I know it’s only Friday…but meh
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:06, 6 replies)

I had an abortion
and they threw away the foetus.

That's not actually true but it makes a change from all those fucking Star Wars figures claims.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 10:05, 1 reply)

My Sexuality
This is a bit tricky for me, for when I was born my mum really really REALLY wanted a girl. What she got was me the little male fraction, complete with miniature willy and balls.

This as you can imagine was a great disappointment to mum (never knew of or saw a father around) so she decided to take some action. Over the course of a few months elastic bands and string were applied tighter and tighter to my little chap and his pets until they were just useless husks.

A bribe to a doctor got these wasted flaps of skin removed, and oiver the years my food and drink was spiked with female hormones, with her planning to pay for me to have plastic surgery to add some womens bits downstairs.

But disaster struck again, and mum was declared bankrupt on my 9th birthday, and the sordid truth came out. Suddenly I had to confront the fact i wasn't a girl, but a horribly mutilated boy, years and years of therapy and drugs later im just about coming to terms with the fact that I have no sexual organs, my groinal area looks like a bloody action man for five minutes! I will never understand what it feels like to have sex, will never orgasm, this is very very hard for me, but i struggle through on my own.

Still, by all accounts I have got a cracking pair of tits.
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 9:57, Reply)

Cheers
Hello my name is Tim and I am an orphan, I never had a family and therefore never had a mum to throw anything out.

Dont feel sorry for me though as I am the one that your parents sent all your toys to and have made a fortune selling them on Ebay! Bwa ha ha!

I'm now off to roll in some of the money I made from this while you get back to work

:-)
(mon bison powered by magnets, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 9:52, Reply)

I once had a..
cousin that worked in a department type store, and therefore could get access to toys well in advance of everyone else - and for next to nothing to. Therefore I once got a hoard of Star Wars figures, the original ones, basically the whole range. My mother deciding we didn't have the room sold them all at a car boot sale for about 10p each. This was a few years before I saw them selling at £10-15 each after the re-releases made them all popular. I even had all the ships too, and an At-At.
(cactusrob, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 9:50, Reply)

Lamby
When I was very young, I had a favourite toy, a cuddly lamb called "Lamby". It was more than a toy, it was my best friend and companion and would go with me everywhere. As a consequence of being owned by a very active male child in the late 60s/early 70s, Lamby wasn't the most hygenic of playthings, he also had a neck like a giraffe as that is how I used to carry him ie by the neck. I remember one day (very hazy memories as I must've been about 3 years old at the time and my grey cells aren't what they used to be) mother had managed to pry the mangy, filth encrusted toy from my grip and tossed him into the washing machine. I spent the next 2 hours inconsolable as Lamby had his annual bath. Peace prevailed when I was reunited with a newly cleaned Lamby. This went on for what I thought was years, but I am sure it couldn't have been for more than a couple of years, until one day Lamby didn't return, and my mum said he was lost. I mourned the death of Lamby for a long long time and it wasn't until years later, when my mum owned up to finally chucking out my beloved lamby as he was starting to stink and that no amount of washing would ever get him clean. I still miss him now. I am 43.
(urgle-splurgle molesting small goats since, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 9:38, Reply)

Proper Frank Spencer moment.
Many, many moons ago, I was addicted to Williams Defender. I could go in the arcade of my mis-spent youth and play for hours and hours on just one 10p.

Fast forward a couple of years and one morning I went into the arcade (was waiting outside for them to open to be honest, I really was *that* sad), put 10p in the slot and was happily playing for all of about 30 seconds when smoke started pouring out of the front of the screen and then all of a sudden caught fire.

The 10p had fallen straight through, thanks to the numpty that 'looked after' the machines not putting the coin tray back in place, and landed on the transformer shorting the whole thing out.

So, bang goes any more Defender playing for me - these things are as rare as rocking horse shite and even more expensive to buy.

Quite a few years later, and I still have the Defender madness.

Unbenknown to me at the time, there is a huge number of people rebuilding these types of machines and putting old PC's in them and running MAME.

I had the idea of making a MAME PC before I knew about this 'community' and was more-or-less designing this thing in my head when one Saturday I woke up quite early and thought, "fuck it, today I am actually going to get off my sorry arse and build this fucker", so went off to the local wood merchants, got a load of MDF, 2x2 and chipboard and set about making the box to the exact dimentions of an old Williams Defender (as that would be the primary game to be played on the box).

A few hours later (after sweating perfusly just sawing a bit of 2x2 in half and realising that there was a bloke hot-tarring the roof at the same time), I had the basics of a Defender lookalike.

Of course, to start with I was counter-sinking the screws carefully, laying the perspex into little cut grooves and generally taking a lot of care with the woodwork side of things.

Five minutes in, I was just wacking nails and screws into it just to make it good enough to hold it's own weight.

Anyway, once it was upright I soldered lots of wires into the back of an old keyboard and touching the wires together obviously showed on the screen which key they were wired to, so then soldered all the buttons etc...

Fast forward a few days and, viola! the machine is finished - well, it actually never got completely finished as once it started playing games, I would pop out to the garage to add the finishing touches and have 'just a quick game' which always meant playing 'till well past midnight.

Anyway, fast forward about 8 years and due to my ex misses buggering off and leaving me to pay her multitude of debts I had to sell the house (familiar story I'm sure).

Loads of crap got thrown away, a lot by my current girlfriend who, quite honestly was ruthless (bear in mind, I had a draw full of broken guitar strings that I just couldn't bring myself to throw away, so my idea of ruthless probably isn't the same as many peoples).

Finally, it came to clearing the garage out - I say 'garage', but over the years I built a bar in there with pumps, put fake olde worlde wooden beams in, a payhone, a fruit machine and more-or-less turned the place into a proper pub.

Well, the time came to move the MAME machine.

It was then that I realised that I had made an error in the magnitude of Frank Spencer realms.

Yep, it was far too wide for the door and far too tall to get out the other end of the garage.

No problem, thinks I. I'll just dissasemble it and reassemble it at the other end.

Of course, this would have been fine had I continued making the thing with the care and thought that I first put into it. Which I didn't.

Screws were welted through the wood and were not coming out without a fight.

Didn't happen. Slowly but surely it was dawning on my what had to happen.

I just couldn't do it. It was my friend of many years.

The last thing I heard was the cackling laughter of my girlfriend and my 'best mate' smashing the thing up to get it out the door and burning it in the garden.

I was, and for the most part still am, truly gutted.

Sorry for length and boredom rating, but I thought I'd post something a bit different to 'my virginity was taken', 'my porn stash was nicked' or 'my drugs went missing'.
(dchurch bah, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 9:32, 9 replies)

*Clears throat*
I had my adenoids out when I was small.

Loved and lost? Well, I was fairly attached to them...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 9:24, Reply)

Going to Hull?
I’m something of a raconteur and have built up quite the fan base over the years. People come from far and wide to hear my tales. Now, when one speaks for a living, one needs to lubricate one’s mouth. Some of my contemporaries preach the virtues of honey and milk, others waters mixed with flowers and such concoctions.

Me, I’m fond of a glass of wine and have perfected the art of brewing my own using water, and well, I won’t say, lest you should steal my recipe ;)

I’m also fussy about the vessel in which it comes. After all, I’m not some crummy student on a mission to kill brain cells. I taste. I savour. I enjoy.

So which vessel is my favourite?

Well, I have been given gifts in goblets by Kings of far lands. I have drank from the same vessel with rich men and poor but the only one I have ever coveted, for my sins, was that of my Father – a simple wooden vessel, carved by his own hands.

When I grew up and left the family home, I joined a travelling flock of raconteurs of sorts and drank from many’s the vessel. Indeed, I may even have forgotten about my Father’s cup.

Near the end of my first life, I returned home to face charges with the local magistrate – something about inciting rebellion - but the cup was no longer there. My Mother had given it to my uncle Joe. I asked him what happened to it. He said he lost it somewhere in Europe.

Years later, my fans still look for it. It’s virtually an industry influencing tourism, philosophical debate, any number of books attempting to explain the mystery as well as create elaborate fantasies surrounding it.

Dan Brown is my biggest fan.

Yours,
Jesus H. Christ
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 9:16, 1 reply)

\/ adding to Vipros's post
Tell your mum if you want to keep stuff! Jezus everyone is making out their mum is some sort of evil bitch who threw away millions of pounds worth of stuff so now you have to work instead of sailing aboard the luxury yacht you would be if you had sold all the star wars figures/comics/other crap.

When my mum was having a clear out she called me and I went over and we threw stuff out together.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 9:15, 2 replies)