"Sorry boss - it was my little nephew's bar mitzvah, and to be honest I had a bit too much to drink."

so, I'm not in al-Qaeda any more.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 15:04, Reply)

Sorry....
I didn't mean that to read "Rswipe" that's rude.

On topic......Apart from spending all day as a "lurker" on this site (and others)i have done some bad stuff.

A couple of years ago we had a promotion running with a local radio station. It came to the final prizegiving and it was going out live from our showroom early one morning. Pretty much the most important day of the year, everyone had to be in at 8.00am sharp. I turned up at 10.30am still quite drunk. I hid through the back on the instruction of my immediate boss so that the big boss wouldn't find out. This has happened on a number of occasions (twice this year i've been sent home for "stinking of booze"). I work weekends by the way, i'm not some alchy!

I also nearly brought the entire company to it's knees through e-bay. I accidently accepted 5 different bids of less than £3,000. Our stock item was worth £22,000. The lawyers sorted that out i think and we haven't dealt with e-bay since. It is now a forbidden site on our intranet.

There are plenty other reasons i should be sacked, not least the fact that i wrote off my £36,000 company car last week!

Could do with a back-up sales job in the Glasgow area if anyone can help. My lives are running out!!
(Scoopfoot loves lamp, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 13:49, Reply)

Rswipe Nooooo!!!!
I enjoy your ramblings the most. I'm sure some techy on here could tell you how to get round that.

I might as well be sacked now.

:(
(Scoopfoot loves lamp, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 13:18, Reply)

b3ta must be psychic
about 2 seconds after posting b3ta is why i should be sacked, a gigantic red notice came up on my work computer telling me that the site was prohibited and my attempt to access it had been logged with IT... thank fuck nothing has been said yet... but as i can't log on any more you'll all be spared most of my rantings from now on!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 13:15, Reply)

Additional
I'm quite surprised by the amount of messages from people wanting the url for the free dating site (i surf at work) that i mentioned earlier on in this qotw

Get in there
( Trollman, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 13:11, Reply)

A work colleague...
...just told me this tale.

Many moons ago a patient absconded from a Mental Health ward in the Midlands. He and a colleague were dipatched via taxi to where the patient was - Blackpool police station. This on a Sunday (time and 2/3) at Overtime rates (double time). When they arrive in Blackpool, the Taxi driver says by law he needs an hours break before driving back. Quick clinical decision is made - they dont want to be wandering round for an hour with a patient, so where to kill an hour ????

Cue 2 trained nurses spending an hour on Blackpool Pleasure Beach at Sunday Overtimne rates.

The NHS - Your taxes being spent sensibly.
(kitescreech still here, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 13:04, Reply)

I work in the warehouse of a certain high-street retailer (the one which is also a fashion label and sells overpriced tat)
it's not a bad job, but the management have jargonised absolutely everything under the sun (we're not employees, we're 'associates'; it's not a warehouse, it's a 'Processing Centre' - you get the idea) and every week our department has a Team Briefing.

As I'm part of the temporary staff, I have no idea what the fuck the people doing the briefing are blithering on about, so I just switch off and look at the furniture for 15 minutes, letting my mind wander onto other things, reducing that lisping voice to background noise and trying to ignore the growing pain in my feet.

Every week I cross my fingers and hope they're never going to give us a written test about the contents of these briefings.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 12:42, Reply)

I got away with murder
H. Shipman
(kitescreech still here, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 12:32, Reply)

Thing is, 31eeweep,
That all that money would still only buy you a loaf of bread, what with the dollar being what it's worth.
( shadyron, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 11:53, Reply)

I should be fired for the same reasons I love my job
1. I work for the Government
2. I am a registered nurse and as such my wages normally would be around the $68,000 per annum mark.
3. However, I am not employed as a registered nurse but due to regulations within the government/health services system, I must be payed at ny substantive position.
4. As I was employed as night supervisor of the facility for more than 3 consecutive years (9 years), I am entitled to and receive income maintenance for that level of supervision. This equates to roughly $9,500 per annum as I do not receive it while on annual leave.
5. I am employed as a disability services worker (pleb) and would usually receive an annual income of about $32,000 but due to point 3. I receive the income in point 2. as well as the income maintenance in point 4.
6. Due to the nature of the industry and low wages for base rate staff, there is always a severe staff shortage and therefore overtime is always available. Due to my experience in this field and specifically "management of clients who present with challenging behaviours (violent loonies)" I am highly sought after. The overtime rate is an additional 100% and 150% on weekends + night loading. Example: a 12 hour shift on a 1 to 1 basis, usually in a hotel is worth about $1300 due to points 2. 3. 4. and 5.
7. I would usually work more than 10 overtime shifts per year.
8. My roster over a fortnight is 7 nights on 7 nights off (2 on 2 off), These shifts are 12 hours so I work 84 hours per fortnight. In this country there is a mandatory 38 week, so therefore i work 8 hours compulsory overtime each fortnight. As it is compulsory, I have the option of being paid it at a 150% loading or having a week off every six weeks.
9. I am entitled to 10 weeks paid annual leave per year.
10. I am entitled to 3 weeks paid long service leave per year (I am now in my 32nd year).
To put this in perspective: in the last financial year (1-7-06 to 30-6-07), I worked 64 nights. For my efforts I received wages of $87443.22, as well as $6800 profit from computer work. This equates to $1472 per shift.
11. I work with one lady looking after 24 mildly disabled people who basically can look after themselves. My workload is less than 1 hour from 7pm start to dispense medication and another 20 min medication round at 6am plus one 5 min check round at 1 am. As from January 2008, I will be looking after 5 of these people, thus considerably reducing my workload, in a brand new purpose built house in the community but retaining ALL of the pay and conditions described above.
12. As I only actually work less than 2 out of the 12 hours I am rostered on, I am able to do my second job at work, which is building and upgrading computers.
13. My supervisor, whom I have had a sexual relationship with in the past, is currently having an affair with the lady I work with (both are married with children). So as to give them some privacy, generally I would sleep at the other end of the ward from at least 1am to 6am.
14. The nursing industry, generally, in this country has a gender ratio of 65% female to 35% male (a good 15% of the male being homosexual). Added to this the fact that nurses are one of the primary groups of drug abusers in any given population, as well they also tend to be more sexually adventurous than the general population. Therefore there exists a more than sporting chance that sexual encounters are available when required.
15. There are several other benefits, especially due to being a government run facility with minimally checked, improper ordering of foodstuffs, toiletries etc. I have not bought, milk, shampoo, cereal, cheese, fruit, razors, stationery items etc for many years. Free very fast broadband connection plus myriad drugs if required.

From January 2008 I will consider myself in semi retirement yet still receive an almost 6 figure salry.


Sometimes I almost feel guilty, almost.
(wallynothere rnot without protection, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 10:57, Reply)

NHS Fun.
OK Tax payers, here's how your money was spent in the early 90's.
I was working on an EMI (Alzheimers etc) ward when I was asked if I could help out in a community group home for a bit in a nearby town. Eager to get out of bum wiping I readily agreed.
So I start my new job in a large Midlands town, there's the boss, me and 3 unqualified staff and 5 residents. Initially all is OK. I work 9-5, often on my own and the residents all go into town each day from about 8:30 to 4, so I hardly see them. I occupy my days by reading, going shopping and sleeping (pre interweb days). Once a week or so me and the boss do a shop for the unit - this involves about 12 bags from Tesco, although oddly only about 10 bags leave the bosses car - upon asking Im told "Its a perk of the job" - No deary, it's stealing, and I refuse to "join in". Initially I'm not too fussed as it's only once a month or so. But then it's more often 'til it's 3-4 bags a week going to her home. The remaining staff let our line manager know and she does...nothing.
At this point I'm called and told they need an acting manager at another home in town, as their boss is on long term sick leave. And again I readily agree to get out of this situation (which had all the staff worried they would get blamed for NHS fraud etc).
So I leave and start my new job - about this time in my life things aren't good at home with Mrs. Kite (medical, nothing "terminal" but very stresful for us both). So my mind is elsewhere and I'm a bit stressed. Now, my shifts should have been 9-5 again, with unqualifieds doing 3-11, a sleep in and then 7-12 (or something like that). So my shift becomes 11-3.30 most days, but I'm still getting full pay and travel money !(woo yay!). Not bad. I still get my afternoon snooze etc, and have a kebab for me lunch (on expenses) a few days a week.
It all sort of ended when my new line manager visited me on her first day. She comes in to find me with my feet up on a coffee table, kebab and coffee in hand watching the Test Match. She is not impressed and eventually politely asks me if I could stop watching the TV and talk to her.
It was about then I realised I had been taking the piss a bit. And honestly looking back I wasnt really that happy - I now work a lot harder and actually enjoy my work more. But it was a pretty fun time looking back on it.

(still miss my afternoon snooze though
(kitescreech still here, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 10:46, Reply)

When Animals Attack! Twice!
I'm, ahem, too fabulous to deserve a good sacking, clearly, but the people I work with....less so. However no one at my place seems to get sacked, even for gross misconduct. The worst that's ever happened were two guys who didn't get their contract after their probationary period, as to why.....well I just don't understand how managers work, which is probably why I'm not one. Oooooh, let's played sacked or not sacked.

First up, one of our data entry clerks, the most important part of his job was typing in a personal code used on forms that identified the person requesting payment. If the number was missing or illegible then his job became hugely complicated; he had to walk three yards, photocopy the form and pass it on to someone who would do the hard work and find out what the number should be! Yes, finding out what the number should have been used to be my job, but I'm not bitter, honest. Anyway, finding this a little too hard to manage he instead just got his biro out and changed the number until the system accepted it. Net result was thousands of pounds of tax payers money going to the wrong person and more money wasted on expensive adjustments to budgets when it was discovered. Sacked or not sacked? Why not sacked of course, he was made to sit on his own for a week. Yes, a 24 year old man was made to sit in the naughty corner, I can only presume he was threatened with a good smack if he misbehaved again. Also not sacked was a girl who I asked to file some records for me. When I later discovered them all shoved in the front of the filing cabinet she protested that 'the alphabet is too difficult so I couldn't put them in order'! It was at this time one of our managers informed me that apparently you can't sack people for being 'totally mongy', furthermore I was warned that was not an acceptable phrase to use about a collegue! I should have just spelled the word out, she wouldn't have had a clue.

Moving on, so at our work most people have to clock in and out and they're paid on these figures. One girl was discovered to be clocking in, walking straight out of the building and going home again and then coming back eight hours later to clock out thus getting paid for a full days work. Sacked? Of course not for fucks sake! Right, so let's try someone who was sacked (or 'didn't have their contract renewed', as my lawyers insist I should say), Stevey. Stevey was a lovely lad, just 17 who worked the evening shift. He was new and the gaggle of middle-aged women who had adopted him were quizzing him on his background. He was telling the story of how his parents met. Apparently they were both on holiday in Magaluf and riding on one of those big yellow inflatable banana type things pulled along by a speedboat. It hit a wave, everyone flew off and his Mum-to-be turned out not to be as strong a swimmer as she thought. Dad-to-be helped her back to the inflatable and it was love at first sight. Very sweet, but unfortunately summed up just as a manager walked past with the immortal line "So my parents met when they fell off the banana boat."! Stevey gets dragged into an office and warned about racist conduct, when the ladies he worked with backed up his story, the managers thought they were making things up to protect him. Result? Stevey stopped appearing at work shortly afterwards.

Better than that was Ern. Ern was another genuinely great guy from Nigeria who was over here getting a degree and the first of our animal attacks. Somehow a bat had found its way into the office and couldn't get out again. The middle aged women were cowering under a table screaming as it swooped around desperately trying to get out. One of our managers and Ern leapt into action and tried to corner it. After some Scooby Doo-esque chasing they finally herded it behind a filing cabinet. The manager picked up one of the lady's coats and, when it made it's break for freedom, gently smothered it and lay the coat covered bat down on the middle of the floor. As the ladies reappeared from under the tables the discussion about where to let it go or whether it should be left there while they called the RSPCA began. It was halted abruptly however as they heard a yell of delight from Ern who raced past them, jumped into the air and landed two footed on the bat coat with a scream of triumph and a dull crunch. In Nigeria, you see, bats are considered vermin and are treated as such. Ern turned round expecting to be congratulated to see everyone staring open-mouthed and one women, who was now the proud owner of a bat entrail smeared coat, burst into tears. The poor guy was absolutely distraught when he understood what he'd done but nevertheless the same manager who he helped capture the bat informed him his contract was not being renewed just a week or so later.

Incidentally, this was also the manager who a few months earlier had been heroically protecting the same ladies from a rogue wasp which had also got into the building. He ninja'd around after it with a can of bug spray and the first time it stopped he emptied pretty much the entire can at the wasp. Unfortunately the wasp had chosen to stop on a smoke detector and five minutes later three fire engines were outside and one very embarrassed manager was trying to explain. Yes, he's blatantly still there.

So, overall, I think the reason I should be fired and probably will be is because I'm not a gigantic fuck up! Well. Either that or my manager reads b3ta and I've just talked myself out of a job. Oh well.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Sat 11 Aug 2007, 10:36, Reply)

Previous job
08.00 Clock in
08.00-08.30 Tea break
08.30-09.00 Little bit of work (mainly get the newbies to do the hard stuff)
09.00-09.30 Tea break
09.30-10.30 Little bit more work (with two fag breaks, just to keep me on my toes)
10.30-11.30 "First break", just like school
11.30-12.30 An actual hour of work (punctuated with fag breaks, ripping the piss out of Andy Miller til he throws stuff at me, using the office phone to see if I've found a million in my lucky wallet, wandering about looking as if I'm doing something)
12.30-12.45 Preparing for lunch ie. calling up and ordering my lunch so I don't have to waste my break cuing for food and winding down so I can be nice a relaxed for my lunch
12.45-14.15ish Eat lunch, take the piss out of Minge (unfortunate nickname but when he shaved his goatee thing off he was known as Shaven Haven until he grew it back), have a couple of pints)
14.15-15.00 Stand around with a hose making the floor wet, picking on Andy Miller and Dale, smoke fags.
15.00-15.30 Tea break
15.30-17.00 Hide upstairs playing cards, telling Brian we've all shagged his wife, drinking a bit more
17.00 Clock out, another hard days graft finished, it's time for a couple more pints

This is the vague plan of the day, although we did work out one day that shit breaks also accounted for about 45 mins a day and timed correctly meant that you didn't have to do the difficult work as it was miraculously done after your constitutional).
Apart from the early starts this job was fantastic and I don't have a clue how I didn't get sacked
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 10:14, Reply)

I worked for the Puppy Marketing Board
After I unveiled my first campaign, they figured out that I'd lied about having a degree in Biology.


(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 10:03, Reply)

Ah, the irony...
Quite simply, I was fucking my 'married with 2 kids' boss's mistress behind his back.

As it was, I was about to hand in my notice to go traveling, the company makes me redundant, I get 3 1/2 months paid 'gardening leave' and a not inconsiderable redundancy payment, when otherwise I would have got naff all for quitting.

I'm now back from traveling and I'm still happily doing bugger all on the proceeds other than drink and party.

Result!
(littlestanjunior, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 10:02, Reply)

Doing fuck all
I come in to work in the mornings, vaguely cash up whilst pissing about on the tinterweb (b3ta and facebook mainly), I then go down and open the pub up, taking the lap top with me so I can piss about on the net some more. If anyone calls with a queery I tell them to call back when my shift finishes. If I ever feel I may have to do work I call someone else in so I can remain sat on my arse doing fuck all, justifying this with the line "I thought it would be busy, but I can't send you home now, it would be unfair for you not to get paid, I'll just get on with some paperwork".
Oh, did I mention I work in a pub? This means I have a constant supply of booze.
Fortunately, the pub is mine so I can't be sacked, though this was basically what I did befor I took over, so Mike, if your reading this, "screw you, you never paid me my bonus, and I had sex on your office desk!"
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 9:58, Reply)

My boss is a gormless dwarf
Yes, he is a tad short. And to go with that he is a boring little cunt. He thinks he can program computers, but he is fuckin hopeless at it. But anyway, why should I be fired? Cause Im also doing his Missus whenever he goes on a sales trip. That'll teach him for not giving me a raise!
(hixy, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 9:18, Reply)

I worked for the Kitten Marketing Board
We sold all 100,000 copies of my Shaved Pussy Calendar, but the resulting false advertising claims sent us broke.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 8:49, Reply)

I went into a K hole at work and I worked at a pharmacy
It was the turn of the millennium and a drug called Ketamine was all the rage. I took my snort bullet with me into my work as a Pharmacy Tech. Towards the end of a day I decided the little bumps I had been taking all day weren't cutting it, so I went into the bathroom and finished off what seemed to be a minimal amount of what powder I had left.

I went back behind the counter and all seemed to be in order. A customer came up and gave me her last name and as I turned to get her meds I fell into a hole.

Not literally. Ketamine is a disassociatetive and in high doses your body continues to do things while your mind is elsewhere.

I came back into consciousness with the Pharmacist holding both my shoulders shaking me asking, "Are you all right?"

Apparently I had been wandering around looking like a Teletubby completely oblivious to my surroundings as I drooled and made guttural noises. The line had backed up and they were all wondering if this was a joke or I had gone retarded.

I ran into the bathroom and told everyone involved that I was having stomach problems. They gave me the benefit of the doubt and I came back the next day, but supposedly the Pharmacists were not to leave me alone in the pharmacy anymore.
(anotherlogan and the whit he shites, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 4:49, Reply)

I call my boss 'Titties'.
It's true, he has boobs, he's not even overweight. When he walks, watching them bounce is often hypnotising.
(chakaflange, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 4:36, Reply)

I got fired from the games shop for having sex

Not on premises or during work time or anything, just having sex in general.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 2:06, Reply)

the end of my skiving for ever :(
Im 26 and havent worked full time for more than 3 months.........I live in a nice house, in a nice place, and can afford to go out most weekends with my mates to get wasted..........
i am at the end of a three year PhD, during which I have been fully sponsored to the tune of £12G a year tax free, no council tax, student status = free overdraft.
Unfortunately I am forced to do Teaching Asiistant work which frankly means doing shite all for 3 hours a week pretending to teach C++ to a bunch of students who quite blatantly know more than me.
For this I am paid around £800 quid for 20 hours work.

P.S. I have yet to actually do much work towards my PhD and clock up an average of 6 hours actual work at uni per week.

My money runs out in two months so am spending my last two wages on a trip to Texas, driving lessons and test and a huge amount of recreational drugs.

Roll on eviction, starvation, getting dumped ( off girlfriend) and a immensely shitty xmas I should have foreseen .......lol

Good times :)

Fucking consequences lol
(L.T. Smash Humungous fail since, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 1:00, Reply)

because
I spend my time browsing craigslist for loose women to plough
(shamen Geekius Maximus, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 22:49, Reply)

I blame YOU!!!
If I were the boss of me, I would fire myself for reading B3ta qotw stories for the last two hours before having my cigarette break...followed by two more hours of B3ta goodness. Thank you, thank you. If it weren't for you guys, I'd probably be spending my work day working.
(BrainSurgerysFun, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 22:33, Reply)

Where to start!!....Late shift....
11.15:Start work.
12.20:Lunch (45 mins).
13.30:Back to work.
14.15:Unofficial tea break (20 mins-ish).
14.45:Back to work.
15.30:Tea break (Which should start at 16.30)
16.45:Back to work.
18.15:Unoffical tea break (15 mins)
19.20:Hometime.
Most breaks involve time on b3ta.
I cannot tell you where I work for obvious reasons!!!!
( Mstandot I suppose I should post more often., Fri 10 Aug 2007, 22:21, Reply)

The Posh Peoples' Department Store.....
When I was 17 I had a dream Saturday/summer hols job at the (then) 'Posh Peoples' Department Store' in Knightsbridge. Better than a paper round any day.

One fine summer I was told that I was being sent to do a stint in the basement stock rooms with - as luck would have it - one of my mates.

The real highlight, though, lay in finding a three foot long, very flexible steel spanner of some sort. Which, when combined with a carefully woven set of elastic bands and the spokes from a broken* umbrella made a rather splendid bow and arrow. The arrows would quite easily pass straight through an empty cardboard box, and when fired at the door embedded themselves with a truly marvellous arrow-embedding thump/whirring.
It was our supervisor who discovered just what a great sound it was when he paid a surprise visit, pushing on the door just as an arrow was hitting the other side. Cue one of those "oh shit we're fired" moments where time stands still.

Supervisor was a good sport about it though and all he wanted was to have a crack with it himself.

History doesn't record what the Health and Safety Inspector might have made of all this.

*tradition holds that there's no such thing as broken umbrellas in the stock room at the PPDS. Good God, man. There may have been a little assistance.
(Thomas_The_Spankengine, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 21:23, Reply)

I was a complete slacker
When I applied for my job, I was told that it required someone with a 'high boredom threshold'. It was my dream job, supervising a usually empty room, unlimited internet access, unlimited free food and coffee, and a twizzly chair.

Once I was 7 hours late for work and nobody even noticed.
A while later I got made redundant, but at least I got 6 good years of being paid to do nothing.

Aah, salad days!
(Hericane a magical darkness lingers here, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 20:50, Reply)

Sports Shop
I used to work for a well known "sports" shop (i.e. tailor for the chav classes) owned by a twat who also owns a few sports teams in Wigan.

As I was a part time worker whilst at uni I put in much less than the expected 100%. Highlights include:

Coming in every weekend still E'd out of my tits

Getting drunk at lunchtime with my semi jayky supervisor and her friends

Selling my area manager (he didn't know it was me getting him his drugs) E's & speed through ubove supervisor who was shagging him

refusing to push the storecards on moral grounds (not wanting to go to hull for encouraging people who cant get credit elsewere a glorified credit card with 27% intrest)

making indecent suggestions to the 17 year old Saturday girls

getting stoned at breaktime with a former armed robber and heroin addict who would descibe how to perform random criminal acts (from cooking up crack to stealing slot machines from motorway service stations)

Sleeping most Sundays in the stockroom (no managers most Sundays)

My favourate moment was locking a cocky new start in the dark upstairs storeroom and forgetting about him. the only way up to the room was a rickety old lift, when you pulled open the lift door on any floor the lift stalled and would not move until you shut it. We meant to lock him up for 10 mins or so but the shop got busy and we forgot... untill 5pm when we knocked off. Fortunately my mate Big Mick had put his notice in so he took the rap.

I wish I sill worked there.
(bugger-luggs, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 20:34, Reply)

Obvious but true
I do fuck all.
(Hoopla, Fri 10 Aug 2007, 19:47, Reply)