Fundies Say The Darndest Things
A top 100 (you can rate them) of the best fundamentalist posts on the internet.
Gems include:
"If u have sex before marriage then in Gods eyes u are married to that person if a man rapes a woman in Gods eyes they are married it sucks for the girl but what can we do lol "
And
"Apes are just creatures twisted by Satan to mock Jesus by giving EVILolition credibility. Further more they are naturally lust crazed for human women. Since they are not natural creatures they should be exterminated forthwith as the tools of evil they are. "
Wonderful :)
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masakatsu best of all the burger meats, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 14:59,
Reply)
Oh my.....
"There are a lot of things I have concluded to be wrong, without studying them in-depth. Evolution is one of them. The fact that I don't know that much about it does not bother me in the least. "
ROFLOL!!!!!
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t0ria has forgotten how this all works, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 15:04,
Reply)
It's a goldmine
"[on the sunject(sp) of a Bible printing company]
Yes, that is a great company. I bought one of their large print version (old eyes... what can I say?).
The only thing I don't like about them is they sell foreign language versions of the KJB. I don't think that's right. We know the only true translation is the 1600's version in English.
It's too risky for anybody to translate that into other languages. Mistakes can creep in... and that can lead to heresy. True Christians should only read English."
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masakatsu best of all the burger meats, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 15:08,
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Seriously, this is the best thing ever!
"You are not a Christian for Christians don't accuse brothers and sisters in Christ of being non-Christian. "
"I am 100% pro-life, unless we're talking about capital punishment, in which case I am 100% pro-death. "
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t0ria has forgotten how this all works, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 15:17,
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I think
it could possibly be the greatest collection of human thought on the internet.
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masakatsu best of all the burger meats, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 15:20,
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I can't stop reading it!
Great find :)
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t0ria has forgotten how this all works, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 15:31,
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I'm reading it with my jaw on the floor
It's the most tragically comical thing I've seen for so long.
(, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 15:39, Reply)
Not often that I can actually be arsed to plough through that much text
but this had me hooked start to finish...
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barryheadwound Mul-ti-pass? Multipass!, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 16:04,
Reply)
[I recognise this quote as being on
a fake fundamentalist site parody.
christains4-somebody
where somebody is a republican senator, or similar. can't exactly remember.
(, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 16:32, Reply)
I like evilbible.com
Laws of Rape (Deuteronomy 22:28-29 NLT)
If a man is caught in the act of raping a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay fifty pieces of silver to her father. Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her, and he will never be allowed to divorce her.
What kind of lunatic would make a rape victim marry her attacker? Answer: God.
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funnylittlefrog, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 15:22,
Reply)
Could be considered as a life sentence by some
and therefore a higher sentence than what rapers get in our western societies.
(, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 15:29, Reply)
Uhm, or maaaaaybe
the original Hebrew was akin to 'sex outside marriage'.
It's a different language, and it's not even the same language family at that!
(, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 15:41, Reply)
It must be a huge mistranslation
if fornication and rape are confused.
Maybe Matthew 15:1-10 was a mistranslation where Jesus is criticized by the pharisees for not washing his hands before eating. He retaliates by criticizing them for not killing their children for being dissobedient.
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funnylittlefrog, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 16:07,
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Anyway, even if that's what the bible says
no one follows it any more, so... meh. 'Oh NOES, the Epic of Gilgamesh has death and shit in it! Ban it!'
Please, find a hobby. And Jesus spoke Aramaic, Matthew wrote in Greek, you read it in English. Jesus insulted someone, he cursed them, that's not exactly rare in that corner of the world, nor is it today, for example:
Fuck you.
Furthermore, the modern world doesn't have a monopoly on metaphor and poetry, a lot of the Bible is just poetic and is there to tell a story, make a point, be a fable. 'Cos god told Abraham to kill his son doesn't mean people are going out killing their kids, does it?
Asalaam Aleikum - Aleikum Asalaam. The return is switched around, same in Hebrew, Shalom Elekhem - Elekhem Shalom... poetry™!
(, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 16:27, Reply)
Thanks
You've just proven my point that the bible is useless trash.
If you accept the bible, accept it fully. If you believe parts of the bible are mistranslated, then how do you know which bits? Surely It's not worth accepting the bible at all then? It's no good for someone to say they believe in the bible except bits they don't like by excusing it away with mistranslation.
Rape, murdering children and women who are not virgins, sending the devil into pigs to be murderd (animal abuse)
Very poetic ?
And in the bible, Jesus said that the old laws of the old testement are in force until the earth and heaven pass away. Matthew 5:18-19 He makes it clear that the law should be followed until the end of human existance, why then if you believe in the bible should "no one follow it any more"?
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funnylittlefrog, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 16:44,
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But didn't you see?
One of the people on this website helpfully makes the point:
"There is not a single passage or concept in the Bible that would be offensive to any human on the planet."
Brilliant, glad that's cleared up!
(, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 16:46, Reply)
.
“...they may eat their own dung and drink their own piss with you” (2 Kings 18:27)? Numbers 31 where a whole tribe of people, including the elderly and children are slaughtered. Not the virgin women of course, they were saved to be raped.
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funnylittlefrog, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 16:49,
Reply)
It's brutal
it's 'evil', it's twisted, it's fucked up, but it's moral stories and a loose history / a history twisted over time by word of mouth.
Still got poetry in it! And if poetry can't be violent then what about war poems?
Did the priest fuck you as a kid, or something? 'Cos there's no reason why anyone should act so vile towards another's beliefs.
And if they say they believe in the bible but don't fully all the rules, they believe in it, but don't follow it, it's simple as that. I believe you exist, but do I do what you say? ... Nah.
If you take out the god (which I do, most of the time, I see god as a substitute for the force behind creation, the ratio that stops that flower bursting into flames, for example. I also see god as a human urge for order, etc.) then you get human nature, people were slaughtered and the women raped, it's called a massacre, they happen all the time; and religion isn't the only thing to blame for it, take a look at the Nazis, not a religion there (in the conventional sense), yet murder, rape, the lot.
The fact that the Bible records a massacre doesn't mean it's evil, it just means it doesn't do what you do, and whitewash history. You can't tell me you've never stolen anything, you've never embarrassed anyone, you've never done a bad deed, can you? The bible shows that everyone does and that even the most righteous are capable of atrocities.
If we sent you to war there is no guarantee that you can give us that you wouldn't go round doing the whole rape and pillage thing. That passage of the book describes a war, war is hell.
(, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 17:04, Reply)
Are you seriously
comparing stealing and embarrising someone with the mass slaughter of innocent people ?
and as for the Nazis, although not a religion they weren't exactly detatched from the church, Hitler was certainly a christian and worked closely with pope pius. The Church absorbed Nazi ideals and preached them as part of their sermons in turn Hitler placed Catholic teachings in public education.
I have not acted vile towards anyone, I have made biblical quotes which I find to be repugnant. I have expressed my opinion on the bible. I am not forcing my opinion or trying to make people change their beliefs to mine. Unlike what the christians do.
You have swore at me and asked if I've been molested by a priest.. then say I'm the vile one..
If I was sent to war I can't guarantee I won't rape and pillage?? How absurd that is! rape and pillaging are evil. I and most people would never dream of doing those things. Speak for yourself. Are you using war as an excuse for doing those things?
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funnylittlefrog, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 17:20,
Reply)
Yup, yup I have!
I swore in you as an example, and made it bold as tongue in cheek and made a typically b3ta-like comment.
I'm fine with you expressing your opinions on the bible, but I'd ask you to reconsider your opinions somewhat, especially as you feel you need to really do quite some research on a matter that you could easily offend people with.
I'm an atheist, in practical terms, but I see people like you as turning atheism into a new religion, please, be careful with that. Also, Hitler was not a Christian, he saw Jesus and the son of a Jewish Whore and Christianity likewise as a result of Judaism... you don't think he'd have been all too happy with that, would you? Furthermore, the Pope was just a cunt, but many members of the Catholic Church saved those from persecution, for example in Poland.
And yes, embarrassing someone is bad, maybe not as bad as slaughter, but... it's bad, and you appear to have ignored my other point that if we gave you a rifle and sent you to Vietnam that there's no way of being sure that 'embarrassing someone' doesn't become 'raping them'. You just said it's absurd, what guarantee is there?
People are evil, not religion. If you believe people wrote the bible then where did this evil come from in the first place, eh? And just take some more consideration for other people's values; if you don't care about them in a comfortable surrounding just imagine how you'll feel about them when you've got a bayonet in your hands. War isn't an excuse, war is a reason.
Remember, Lo Tirtzakh, thou shalt not kill... religion hasn't got it all wrong, has it?
Nana out, peace out, motherfucker!
(I'm not ignoring you, if you write a reply I'll read it, just to give you the courtesy.)
(, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 17:26, Reply)
saying
"FUCK OFF" because you don't like someone else's opinion is not tongue in cheek and is not b3ta-like, it is actually against b3ta rules.. FAQ's
There is somebody really annoying on the board, is it OK to be rude to them?
Absolutely not. If you are really annoyed by another boarder, you can click the 'Ignore' button under their posts and everything they post will be hidden from you (you can always un-ignore them later if you like). Please don't be horrible to other people just because they are new, or you didn't like their picture, or posted something that bothers you. If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything.
I disagree when you say People are evil, not religion. I believe religion makes people evil.
that if we gave you a rifle and sent you to Vietnam that there's no way of being sure that 'embarrassing someone' doesn't become 'raping them'. - I and most people find rape disgusting and would never under any circumstances rape anyone as I believe it to be a horrendous crime. I think you need to have a bit more credulity in human kind.
I have done my research, I've read the bible. Why would people be offended by me reading quotes from their own book. Do they have so little confidence in their book that they would be so easilly offended.
Hitler was a christian, he was baptized as roman catholic, attended a monastry school, was an alter boy, was confirmed as a "soldier of christ"
"I had excellent opportunity to intoxicate myself with the solemn splendor of the brilliant church festivals. As was only natural, the abbot seemed to me, as the village priest had once seemed to my father, the highest and most desirable ideal.” -Adolf Hitler (Mein Kampf)
"I am now as before a Catholic and will always remain so," to General Gerhard Engel, 1941
he never left the church before his death and was never ex-communicated.
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funnylittlefrog, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 17:43,
Reply)
Just for the record
I am NOT trying to get involved in a religious argument or inflame this conversation any further, but are you familiar with Godwin's Law? en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Godwin's_law
Seems appropriate to mention it!
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t0ria has forgotten how this all works, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 18:27,
Reply)
This should be on sikipedia.
ATHIEST DAD: Hey!
ATHIEST MOM: Hi, honey! I'm pregnant again. I guess I'll just get another abortion, since "fetuses don't count as human life."
ATHIEST DAD: Okay, get as many abortions as you want!
ATHIEST MOM: Oh, and don't go in the bedroom.
ATHIEST DAD: Why not?
ATHIEST MOM: There are two gay men fucking eachother in there.
ATHIEST DAD: Why are they here?
ATHIEST MOM: I wanted to watch them do it for awhile. They just aren't finished yet.
ATHIEST DAD: Okay, that's fine with me!
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@RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Sun 27 Jan 2008, 15:25,
Reply)
I love the attitude atheists apparently have...
"Darn it! Pregnant again! Guess that just means I'll have to get another abortion...honestly, I don't know!"
"...fetch me a coathanger, dear!"
(, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 15:41, Reply)
...because the Ferret has died.
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@RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Sun 27 Jan 2008, 15:43,
Reply)
The termination terminated it
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@RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Sun 27 Jan 2008, 15:49,
Reply)
I already do,
*invites*
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@RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Sun 27 Jan 2008, 15:40,
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watches
whilst performing an abortion on athiest mom
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funnylittlefrog, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 15:43,
Reply)
*speaks monkey*
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@RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Sun 27 Jan 2008, 15:44,
Reply)
*turns into johnny vegas*
*and god wails*
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@RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Sun 27 Jan 2008, 15:54,
Reply)
*does not reply due lack of wit*
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@RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Sun 27 Jan 2008, 16:49,
Reply)
Oh my stars...
That's so disturbing.
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barryheadwound Mul-ti-pass? Multipass!, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 15:26,
Reply)
several million years for a monkey to turn into a man. oh wait thats right. monkeys dont live several million years.
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@RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Sun 27 Jan 2008, 15:30,
Reply)
Oops
haha just posted that one right after you did! Still, it's absolute gold.
EDIT: but perhaps even better, partly because it's just so lovable, is this gem "If we're evolved from monkeys, them how come we can't speak monkey?" Awwww he has a point....
(, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 15:35, Reply)
'i know if i didn't fear god's judgement i would have killed many many times'
lol,rofl,lmao etc...
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barryheadwound Mul-ti-pass? Multipass!, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 15:38,
Reply)
Some of the comments at least have some knowledge behind them
Others, however, are more like this (on evolution, about how across millions of years, monkeys became men):
"several million years for a monkey to turn into a man. oh wait thats right. monkeys dont live several million years."
Oh dear.
(, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 15:33, Reply)
HA!
Beat ya to it.
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@RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Sun 27 Jan 2008, 15:41,
Reply)
"I can sum it all up in three words: Evolution is a lie"
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
There's 3 types of people in this world, people that can count and Chrsitians who can't.
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Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 15:57,
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5 out of 4 people cant do maths you know.
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@RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Sun 27 Jan 2008, 16:02,
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some of these must be taking the piss, surely..
"These objects in space have yet to receive mans touch, and thus have no sin to weigh them down. "
"The more sin, the heavier something is."
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a username Tue 30 Mar 1971 til, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 17:25,
Reply)
Does that mean Dawn French is up there with Hitler?
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chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 17:41,
Reply)
*sings "he ain't hitler
hes my brother..."
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masakatsu best of all the burger meats, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 17:50,
Reply)
easily the best
I can sum it all up in three words: Evolution is a lie
(, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 20:20, Reply)
Pure Gold
Deoxyribonucleic Acid, for example... sounds impressive, right? But have you ever seen what happens if you put something in acid? It dissolves! If we had all this acid in our cells, we'd all dissolve! So much for the Theory of Evolution, Check MATE!
This has amused me for hours. And it now threatens to give me nightmares for a very long time
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lord turkey boy and the cleft of venus, Mon 28 Jan 2008, 2:29,
Reply)
I have to put up with this shit all the time!
It drives me nuts. You would not believe the depth of ignorance that is out there. And wilfull ignorance at that.
(, Mon 28 Jan 2008, 4:32, Reply)
that is just terrifying.
I'm really hopping a lot of those statements were made in parody or by trolls.
this is a murder suicide waiting to happen
I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don't think he's ready to date yet. What's worse is that he's sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!
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KittyWaste lives at Sleepingplanet.com, Mon 28 Jan 2008, 5:31,
Reply)
I rather suspect not, sadly.
Most can be tracked down to fundie boards where even if there *are* by trolls, seem to get through and accepted quite openly but the 'normal' denizens. So if they can;t tell the difference....
Seriously, though, I suspect the vast majority are genuine.
(, Mon 28 Jan 2008, 11:55, Reply)