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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 131: "FUCK OFF - ELSE WE'RE CALLING THE POLICE"

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This Week:
* QUIZ - Cheese or Postbox?
* VIDEO - Bukkake song
* B3TA RADIO - Your celebrity insults

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___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 131 - 16 Aug 2004

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue131/

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Cheese, Bukkake, Eggs, Toilets & Robots

  >> Cheese or Postbox? <<
  "I've always confused postboxes and cheese,"
  confesses One, "So I made this - based upon
  Rob's Female or Shemale game." Blimey. We
  didn't want to like this - we thought
  "Who are they to bring mockery to our finely
  wrought quizzes?" But it's so stupid that
  we couldn't help but laugh.
http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~pennck/pboc/#


  >> Bukkake Video <<
  "I was reading the b3ta board," writes your
  ginger overlord Rob Manuel, "and saw that
  the very talented DogHorse had written a
  song about the traditional Japanese art of
  Bukkake. I liked it so much that I TYPED
  IN CAPS FOR 15 MINUTES and then made a
  flash video so that more people could hear
  it." Yay. The track is fantastic and the
  video is surprisingly work-safe. You'll be
  singing it under your breath in meetings
  for weeks - er... we were. Oops.
http://www2.b3ta.com/bukkake/


  >> Massive, home-made Creme Egg <<
  "I missed getting this done in time," sobs
  GigerPunk, "as I was still about halfway
  through when you sent last week's newsletter
  out." Ah no worries. Sod topicality - we're
  sticking this in because your creation
  looks so bloody disgusting - we salute you
  and your nasty egg.
http://eggy.ukgeeks.co.uk/c151421.html


  >> Virtual toilet <<
  "I've made an animation," hisses Monkeon,
  "it's about a virtual toilet." Featuring the
  most joyous crocodile we've ever seen and
  a good pay off - the boy has done good.
  BTW: Someone important should really give
  Monkeon a break. His photoshop gags are
  without peer on our site. We'd love to
  see him get a book deal.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/vrwc/


  >> Robots in love <<
  "I," intones Tomsk, "I, have finally made
  something new." Woo. Thank fuck for that -
  we miss Tomsk's animations and games. His
  new one is sweet and charming and has a
  great soundtrack.
http://www.mintimperial.com/robots/


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: B3TA RADIO
  Insulting Celebrities

  This week we've asked you to tell us your
  stories about insulting celebrities. Frankly
  it's made us feel rather sorry for famous
  people and think it's no wonder half of them
  end up in such a mess.

  Our favourite comes from Supermore who writes,
  "Whilst on a piss-up in Romford, we were
  delighted to discover the radiant Martine
  McCutcheon was out with some friends in the
  same club as us. Unbeknownst to the rest of
  our group my friend approached her at the bar
  and started praising her singing and telling
  her how gorgeous she was. 

  "He then told her what big fans of hers all
  his friends were, and how shocked we'd all
  be if she came up to say hi and pretended
  to know him.

  "Well, she's a game girl Martine, because
  about half an hour later she popped over to
  our table, pointed at my mate, squealed, and
  started hugging him like a long lost friend.

  "At this point he stood up and said 'Look love,
  I've told you a thousand times, fuck off
  and leave me alone before I call the police."

  The moral of this story is don't ever become
  famous - else stuff like this might happen
  to you.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/celebrity_insults/


  You can tune in to B3ta radio from 4 to 5pm
  GMT on Friday on 104.4FM or tune in via the
  web by point Winamp or iTunes at this
  streaming link:
http://www.resonancefm.com/resonance.m3u


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Electric whisk vs. Pulp Fiction theme <<
  Fucking hell. You need to see this video.
  Two lads playing the theme tune to Pulp
  Fiction using only a guitar and a whisk.
  Inspirational and genius. If we worked
  in marketing we'd nick it for an advert
  for a movie channel. "Passionate about
  film?" etc. etc.
http://www.coconut.se/indefinit/kay_o_ulukais_guraskola.WMV


  >> Skateboarding dog <<
  Any fool can put a pet on a skateboard and push
  it downhill, but Tyson the bulldog loves
  skateboarding - and he's good at it too. Check
  out the video, if only for the look of
  simple-minded delight on his doggy face as
  he goes whizzing past the camera.
http://www.skateboardingbulldog.com/picsandmovies.htm


  >> Ubiquitous baby <<
  A simple, charming idea - take photos of
  celebs holding your smiling baby. The
  end result is a collection of cute celebrity
  pictures, along with the mystery of exactly
  whose baby Jeremy is... His proud daddy is
  always behind the camera, although there are
  tantalising hints in the gallery captions.
http://whoisthatwithjeremy.com/_wsn/page2.html


  >> Geiger counter watch <<
  Ever since we first played with a Geiger
  counter in school physics lessons we've
  dreamed of the day we could own one in wristwatch
  form. It would be fantastic device for making
  yourself utterly paranoid. "I'm not visiting
  you, Mum. The background radiation is too high."
  Finally our dreams have come true. Actually,
  we might just stick an egg box to our
  wrist and make clicking noises. That would
  convince our mum. She's not too teched up.
http://www.polismart.com/model1.htm


  >> Satanic voices from the bowels of hell <<
  "I was watching Newsround today," rasps
  MillywiggZ, "Yes I know it's shit but it's
  the only thing on before Neighbours. They
  were yapping about something called circuit
  bending. It's about creating fucked-up
  tunes by modifying old toys." Woo. We like
  the "V-tech Demonic Chit-Chat" mp3 best.
  It's like the Goat of Mendes humping a
  Sinclair Spectrum.
http://www.circuitbenders.co.uk/


  >> Did TV predict 9/11? <<
  Well, probably not. But then again...
  The plot of this X-Files spin-off, screened
  in March 2001, centres around terrorists
  attempting to fly an airliner into the World
  Trade Centre. Not to spoil the plot for you,
  but if only the Lone Gunmen had been around
  on the actual day...
http://snipurl.com/5qyw


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Mini Sheep

  In our great voyage to catalogue the cutest
  things in the world we've made a discovery:
  dwarf animals are wonderful.

  Last week we brought you tiny horses and this
  week we've found miniature sheep. The
  expression on the face of the second animal
  would probably make even Victoria Beckham
  smile.

  BTW: If you're an amateur genetic engineer,
  we'd really like to see midget giraffes.
  Actually - that's a great idea for a website.
  Imagine a version of b3ta run by out of
  work geneticists. Please - someone - make
  this happen.
http://www.agrisupportonline.com/minisheep.htm

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us at http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


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: BIT TORRENT TV
  What we've been watching this week

  Bit Torrent rocks. Since Kazaa has gone down
  to shit it's the best way of downloading
  telly programs onto your computer for watching
  at your own leisure.

  To download stuff you need to install a client.
  There are many many, but for PCs we prefer ABC.
http://pingpong-abc.sourceforge.net/download.html


  >> Millennium <<
  Chris Carter - the creator of X-Files - put
  together Millennium in the late 90s. It's
  almost a period piece now, where you can wallow
  in the nostalgia that Nostradamus's predictions
  will come true. Odd to think the Y2K bug was
  to the 90s what the Cold War was to the 50s.
  Anyway, this site has been releasing one
  episode per day for the last two weeks. That
  should fill up some time between wanking and
  eating pizza.
http://www.torrentz.com


  >> Angel <<
  Pity us Whedon fans. First Firefly cancelled,
  then Buffy pulled and now Angel. Arses. Oh well,
  we've got five more episodes of Angel before the
  big bad closes the show for good. BTW: What is
  it with TV networks cancelling genre fiction
  in favour of reality shows? The rather promising
  Wonderfalls lasted only a derisory 4 episodes.
  Bah. We think production companies should
  bypass the TV networks and create a new
  Hollywood, based on DVD or possibly web
  distribution.
http://www.torrents.co.uk/


  >> Blake's 7 <<
  We've always ignored Blake's 7, assuming it
  was a load of campy old crap from the 70s
  with wobbly sets. Noticed it on a torrent
  the other day and thought what the heck.
  Gosh. It's both compelling and bleak. The
  first episode features the hero being smeared
  with paedophile allegations. Two episodes are
  available via Suprnova, but to be honest we
  need to see the rest of it now. We're thinking
  of buying the DVDs. Maybe.
http://www.suprnova.org/


  BTW: We've got a theory that the most
  interesting TV is currently being made in
  Russia. If you've got a working torrents
  to stuff that'll make us gasp with disbelief
  then get in touch.


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Pointless DVD Extras Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted extra features on DVDs:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/dvdextras/

  We asked B3ta boarder 'jinxx' to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Jinxx writes -


  #1 "Groundhog Day Uncut Collectors Edition - I
     guffawed heartily when I saw this, it had to
     have the top spot simply because I needed a
     cup of tea to calm myself. (CMU)
http://b3ta.com/board/3022897

  #2 "CG On/Off - Star Wars is rubbish, but we seem
     to watch it anyway - I think I'd watch more of
     it if there was an option like this. (monkeon)
http://b3ta.com/board/3036442

  #3 "Blessed Scene Selector - Probably the best
     scene selection menu in the history of time, a
     fine tribute to one of the best actors Blighty
     has ever produced. DIIIIIVEEEE!" (Thor_sonofodin)
http://b3ta.com/board/3041727


  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, B3ta contributor Pollollups gave us
  the suggestion, "Secret Government Departments"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/secretgovernmentdepartments/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * TESCO SUPER-HERO - "My girlfriend invited me
    to a fancy dress party," boasts James, "The
    theme was super-heroes and villains. Inspired
    by the B3ta competition a few months back I
    had no choice but to go as Tesco Value Man."
    James. We dare you to go shopping like that.
http://www.radioprune.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=7


  * MATCHSTICK ROCKETS - "I used to do that when
    I was a kid," squeaks MrMoose on reading
    last week's newsletter, "but instead of just
    one boring old matchstick, insert several
    into a cork, cover them each in foil and throw
    into the fireplace. Then you won't know where
    they're going to go! And it makes nice
    smoke-trails too if you turn the lights off."


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * HUMAN CATAPULTS - bungee jumping is so
    Pepsi Max 1990.

  * POWERPOINT DAD - a series of skits on the
    corporate father who uses glossy presentational
    software to explain why it's time for bed
    to his kids.

  * ANAL SWORD SWALLOWERS - we'd be impressed
    anyway. Maybe some bum fire eating as an
    encore.

  Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by Rob Parker, Friendlygiant101
  and Harkins.
  Top Tippery by Mr Jada.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
  Proofing by the bonkers b4ta conkers. (74950)

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  TOP TIP:
  If you get a bit of metal or something sharp
  stuck in your eye, get a friend to lick it out.
  The object will stick to their tongue and not
  get painfully pushed into your eye, like it
  would if you used your finger.

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